So it’s no secret if you have been reading my blog that I have been calling the guy that I’ve been involved in a tumultuous situationship with- TOXIC. Most of the time, when I describe him to people, I talk about him being terrible, bad, and Toxic. Now, I’m not excusing his behavior that at times has been detrimental to me and has made me feel unsafe BUT I realized the other day-he’s just a person. He’s a person with many issues and trauma. I had this tendency to blame him  for a lot of my issues instead of taking accountability for my part in our toxic situationship.  I really had to look at myself in an honest way and I realize how easy it is to blame him or make him the villain of our tumultuous situationship. It was easy to write all of this poetry and these journal entries about him about how he treated me like shit. What has not been easy is admitting my own part. Admitting that I had my own toxic patterns and  issues that I brought to our situationship. That  he really showed me who he was at first and instead of really seeing him,I did what I almost always do in relationships;I fell in love with his potential and for the person I wanted him to be. He has ghosted me and  broken communication with me so many times and that shit hurt my soul.  However, I’ve also lied to him and gone crazy on him more times than I can count. I’ve gone to his house for the sole purpose of yelling at him and  I lied to him for a year and a 1/2 about the fact that I was in another relationship. And he’s forgiven me time again and time again. I’m not proud or saying that I deserve the shitty way he’s treated but I have to admit that I’ve been almost equally as shitty to him. 

 I would also complain that he’s an alcoholic but guess who often brought him the beer . It was me, I was the enabler. So while it would still be easy to call him toxic or bad I really don’t think he deserves that title. I think that like most of us he’s trying to do his best with his issues and sometimes that best can look shitty to other people. And I don’t want people to think I’m idolizing him. I think that I’m really taking a hard honest look at myself and at him at this point. I’m trying to make sense and find peace with this situation with him. There is an appeal of going back to him continually and while it has to do with this intense chemistry and the amazing and mind blowing sex; it has to do with much more than that. The other night when I saw him he told me he felt like he didn’t belong anywhere and it’s strange how much I relate to that. Also, we both get how dark we can be, how irrational and crazy we both can be and it doesn’t scare either of us away. We just accept that part without promises or expectations of anything that resembles a relationship or commitment to each other. The other night we both agreed we possibly won’t ever be ready for a relationship with each other or with other people. We both feel too damaged beyond repair to ever be of any good to anyone in a romantic way. I used to hate myself for caring about him,  or going back to him BUT I’m done doing that. It’s been a long and hard 3 year journey to get here: peace and acceptance.  Instead, I forgive him and myself for past wrongs and learn to enjoy the fun and crazy times we share.  Or as my mom says, live for the moment. With him, it really is living life on the borderline.  

us in late 2018

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