Cover me with a blanket of lies and tell me you love me tell me I’m the only one for you and false promises about you’ll never leave and how you’re not like the other guys Love me at your convenience, love me when I’m easy I’ll believe the fantasy and play my role of the perfect and polite princess until one day, I grow out of my role and explode and I’ll discover once again you’re like everyone else who can only stand me for a short while and accuse me of being a crazy bitch and leave
The princess and the queen live within me And they each serve a purpose the princess cares about the men in her life She’s soft and submissive, kind and generous She’ll do anything for love, she’s loyal But sometimes the princess get taken advantage of And the queen steps in The queen is determined, she is strong and opinionated And ambitchous and bossy She’ll do anything to protect herself and her kids and gives zero fucks about anyone else And lately I’m trying to find a perfect balance of embracing these two beings who live within me
I’d rather live in music, daydreams, and fantasies than face the monotony and routine of real life who wants to deal with spreadsheets when I can get lost in dreams about finding the one who wants to answer to karen’s idiotic questions when I got taylor swift on repeat who wants to open and read another email about another stupid workplace policy when I can fantasize about the best sex I had the a few nights ago real life is too boring for me when I have music, daydreams, and fantasies waiting to inspire the writer in me
Hope lies in the next minute, the next hour, the next day,the next week Hope makes us believe there is something to look forward to even in our darkest hour Hope gives us the strength to continue on when we don’t want to
Your false love swallowed me into an ocean of oblivion and I almost drowned You consumed my mind with anxious thoughts of whether or not I mattered to you And thoughts of death visited me when you ignored me Feelings of worthlessness and emptiness threatened my wretched existence over and over again because of your inconsistent love But one day, I was enough by myself I didn’t need your pseudo love So I’m banishing you to the land of past lovers who never deserved the magic of my love
My diagnosis doesn’t define me, It empowers me, it makes sense of my nonsense I’m not crazy or chaotic or even hard to love I’m a dream come true wrapped up in complexity sure at times I feel like a nightmare But don’t all of us get rough at times So whoever gets scared and runs away from me Sorry not sorry, I’m too much and you’re just not enough
Thanks to learning about my BPD I’m finally free to be me There is a reason for my numbness and for why I’m such an emotional mess Genetics and trauma played a part for me constantly falling apart There is a reason for my impulsivity and for why I distort reality There is a reason for men running away from me when I go from being sweet to being crazy And now that I know I have BPD I can conquer the world of DBT I hope that after I’m more calm And stop going off like a bomb Hopefully I have more control over my emotions And there will no longer be hysterical explosions
this year I lost myself in poetry to help with unexpected loss and grief to make sense of my nonsense and I discovered my voice And I discovered my brand of crazy and there’s hardly a day that goes by without using poetry as therapy I no longer filter myself, I no longer judge myself I allow whatever swims in my mind to land on paper and sometimes it profound and great Sometimes it’s emotional and angry but most of the time it heals something within Maybe poetry should be my new lover because it’s always rescued me from my chaos of emotional instability
Existing was this never ending sorrow Existing was a “what the point of it all” status Existing was a horrible and exhausting nightmare I couldn’t want to wake up from But now.. Existing is welcoming the excitement of the morning sun Existing is looking forward to my next chapter Existing is a hopeful and lovely dream I’m currently living in
sentandome en nuestra felicidad de recién casados, le doy las gracias a Dios por tanta felicidad vendrá muchos recuerdos que haremos de nuestra vida compartida criando a nuestros hijos desde bebitos a adolescentes angustiados discusiones triviales, responsabilidades, y facturas de la casa y un día le contaremos a nuestros nietos nuestro cuento de amor nos pelearemos de quien inició nuestra relación (fui yo) hoy dia, soy la mujer más feliz en el mundo en convirtiéndome en tu esposa
This was my response to prompt #24: Your Top Priority
I am the ONE
I build the life of my dreams through discipline and hard work while I appreciate everything I have at this moment even the minor annoyances and especially the moments of calm and silence I’m no longer relegating myself to a side character or a side chick or a passenger in my life I’m writer, the master, the driver of the life I’m creating
Believing in myself feels like an act of rebellion after years of self loathing and self destruction I finally feel enough and complete Is this some kind of dream? Do I really love myself? Do I really accept myself? Do I really care about myself? I do and I do and I do I’m ready to live out my truth I’m complicated and complex and not terrible or a hot mess I’ve been forever misjudged and thought I was too much The reality of my authenticity Brings out a new transparency I was never too much or not enough or even the hardest to love I might be a complicated puzzle to solve But I’m always, always, worthy of love
This was my response to prompt #12: Something to celebrate
I’ll be celebrating with these two homegirls
Tonight I celebrate with friends, with champagne and music We celebrate how far I’ve come and make a toast to a future full of potential and promise we laugh about all my past drama, dance to Taylor Swift and Yung Gravy and cry with joy about everything good in my life tonight is a celebration of the life I’ve work hard to build tonight is a celebration of who I fought hard to become
I was never the marrying kind Don’t know why I forced myself into that line Maybe because of society’s expectations I made marriage my destination But it wasn’t really who I ever was Forever is not meant to be in my book of love But still I tried for seven years And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear I felt trapped in a cage of my own making Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking But it was never truly me Living this suburban reality And one day I wanted to sleep forever My mind collapsed from society’s pressure to continue this facade of being the perfect wife With my perfectly imperfect life My authenticity I had to put aside I’m a wife and mother of three There’s no such thing as being free But these were the lies I told myself The critic in me I learned to quell I learned I could be a mother but not a wife My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride There would no more anniversaries We were done with self imposed forgeries And a new chapter started with us One full of laughter, friendship and familial love
Life on the BPD 