As 2022 ends, I feel a sense of gratitude and peace in my heart for how many blessings I’ve had this year. I’m closing this year off with immense serenity in my life. That’s saying a lot for me who used to live in chaos and for adrenaline rushes. I’m not saying I’m “healed” or “cured” of my BPD but I will say that I’m so much better at managing my emotions. This year has been about recovery from my BPD symptoms that often left me in a constant influx of emotional chaos. While I still feel my emotions intensely, they don’t control me like they used to. I’m a much happier and content person at the end of this year than I was starting off the year. In fact, this has been one of the best years of my life. I wanted to give you some insight into what helped me:
1.Routine and Consistency pays off-
In the latter half of 2021, I started to pay really close attention to how I was spending my time and learned what was working for me and what wasn’t. When I’m not working, I incorporate a routine of wellness and creativity that helps me feel balanced in my otherwise super busy life with 2 jobs and 3 kids. I make time for exercise 1 to 2 times a week and write daily. I’ve learned that this combination has helped me so much in bettering my mental health. The endorphins from walking/running always makes me feel better especially after a rough day. Writing every day has been instrumental in helping me manage my emotions. I journal every day and try to write poetry daily even when I’m not super inspired. Do I like everything I write? No, but I don’t filter out anything I’m thinking no matter how crazy or dumb it seems like at the time. If it’s a poem, I tell myself, well I can always revise and edit later. This first draft is almost always going to be rough.
Here’s a poem I wrote about it:
2. Find your own Happy Place or Happy Places
This year I’ve felt a sense of overall contentment in my life because I’ve learned how to be happy. Happiness is a hard emotion for me because I’ve been depressed and anxious for the majority of my adult life. However, one of the things I learned this year is to build happiness, and sometimes that looks crazy. Music, writing, nature, exercising, and food are a few of the things out of many that bring me joy. This year, I even made a playlist called “Happy Music” with Yung Gravy and Jack Harlow songs that hype me up. Here is that playlist:
3.Take back the Power from the things that have made you feel powerless
I used to live in a world of insecurity and fear about a lot of things. I allowed my fear of failure to keep me from living a full life. Last year, I decided to stop doing this and just started living unapologetically and authentically. I stopped caring about how I’m perceived to others for the most part. One example is that I was always too afraid to call myself a writer/poet because 1) I wasn’t published 2) I didn’t feel like I was intelligent or eloquent enough in my writing to do so. In fact, when I was posting poetry in 2016/2017 I used to call my writing mediocre and I now think that was a disservice to myself. It was me devaluing myself and my art. This year, I’ve learned not to judge what I’ve written or decide to post. It might resonate with someone or it might not resonate with anyone.What matters to me is that I’m being brave enough to share it with the world.
4.Whatever you do, don’t suppress your feelings.
This one is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. For years on end I had been conditioned that anger and sadness were these negative emotions that I should try my best not to feel and express. Even when I allowed myself to feel them, I still spiral into a loop of shame and guilt about it. I went through a process this year of learning to let go of that shame and guilt and fully feel those emotions, express them (sometimes through exercise or writing), and organically letting go of them. I’ll admit, sometimes I do get hateful when I’m like this and a hateful poem happens but I tell myself, this is me in this moment and doesn’t define who I am. It’s like an emotional burp or first thought that needed to be expressed. Yes, sometimes I call my poems emotional burps or first thoughts. Doing this has helped me find more contentment, satisfaction, and gratitude in my life in general.
Here is an example of one of those “emotional burps”:
5.Be Protective of Your Energy
I cannot stress this enough. The only way I was able to really thrive this year is to understand I could not extend my emotional bandwidth. One thing that kind of drained me was men,relationships and sex so in May when “C” stopped responding to me, I decided to delete his contact info, archived our photos and pretty much ended that relationship on my own terms. I was honestly really proud of myself because I took it in stride and accepted it because well me and him had a good run. I also told any other men I was kind of entertaining that I wasn’t available for anything aside from a platonic friendship. With that, I decided to give myself a year of celibacy from that part of my life. It was rough starting out because aside from a couple of months here and there, I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been romantically involved with someone. 7 Months later, I’m much better. I’ll admit that celibacy does suck at times but it’s been completely worth it. It’s the break I needed to really discover who I am without the validation from relationships and men I’ve been dependent on since the age I was teenager. I plan to date sometime in May after my divorce is final provided I feel like I have the energy. Right now, my energy is really happy and thriving and I’m continuing to build on this.Here is a poem I wrote about missing my white jacket after me and “C” ended:
6.Acknowledge and take accountability for your part in your misery
I’ve been doing this on and off for the past 5 years but if I had to be honest with myself, I’ve also blamed others unfairly for my misery. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge that the actions of other people have caused me pain or that I condone that pain but at the end of the day I can’t control them. I can only control myself. This means I choose what situations I put myself in, who I allow into my life, what energy I let in, etc,etc. I used to think that life happened to me and I didn’t have much power over it. Thanks to a deep level of self awareness and introspection, I’m hyper aware of much control and power I have over my life and damn, it’s way more than I expected. It took me a while to get here and it sucked because now I can’t blame my parents, my exes, or that idiot who put a triggering status post on facebook about politics- it’s really me and how I react to it/them. As difficult as it has been to acknowledge this, it has also helped me feel this sense of peace in a lot of ways. I sleep way better at night understanding this concept. I also understand that there are things I won’t have control over but I always have a choice as to how I react to it. Here is a poem I wrote about it:
2022 was one of the calmest and best years of my life. This year was my year to rest and recharge because I know 2023 will be chaotic with all the changes I’m making in my life. These changes will be uncomfortable but like someone once told me, “you have to go out of your comfort zone in order to grow”. I hope that whatever happens; I continue to grow and learn from the experience. I’ve healed and transformed into the healthiest version of myself but still understand that I’m a work in progress. I look forward to continuing this journey of self discovery and am excited about what’s to come.
December 19th is National Emo Day and I wanted to honor it by sharing my spotify playlist with my favorite Emo Songs. I started listening to Emo music when my best friend introduced me to Taking Back Sunday and Brand New in college. I liked the music but didn’t get into it until the summer of 2021. I remember I was on my summer staycation from hell and had this feeling of numbness and shock in my body as I was doing my power walk and no song was hitting the spot for me to feel something. I was also having a lot of intrusive and negative thoughts at the time so I was trying to feel something, anything to get out of my head and stay safe. None of the music I was listening to was hitting the spot and then I decided to try my former angry playlist and Cut without the E came on and omg my anger came out in full force. It was like this weird gift from the universe because well, I finally felt something and it was powerful. It feels strange to say that rage felt empowering to me but it did. It knocked me out of my self pity and hardcore suicidal ideation into my anger phase of the grief I was in and it was what I needed at the time. It was the song I needed to get me through one of the hardest times in my life. Anyways, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to the album, “Tell All Your Friends” by Taking Back Sunday that summer. Then I rediscovered Brand New, and discovered Fallout Boy, Panic!At the Disco and the music really resonated with me. I always joke around with my friends that “maybe I just like these white boys yelling angry lyrics in my ear” lmao. But seriously, there is something about that white boy angst and anger that really hits the spot when I’m in a bad mood. Well, rap music also hits the spot but that’s another blog post. Lol. This summer I was actually lucky enough to see Taking Back Sunday with Third Eye Blind in concert with the same best friend who introduced me to TBS. It’s weird to say but it was one of the most joyous experiences of my life. It was one of the times when I was thankful of the intensity of emotions that comes with my BPD because when I’m happy, oh boy, it’s almost overwhelming but in a good way.
Below is a video of me in the summer of 2021 and the summer of 2022. There is a clear difference in both versions of me. I remember being so reactive and full of rage when I recorded the video where I’m in my room and immediately posting it on tik tok. I was in my “fuck the world” stage of grief. The video at the concert is me in this state of complete happiness and joy. I remember thinking “wow, I’m just really happy at this moment listening to this song. There is no room for anger in my heart”. It’s dramatic to say that it was cathartic for me but it was. To diminish that moment to something less than that would be invalidating what I felt at that moment.
- Helena -My Chemical Romance
- Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off- Panic!At the Disco
- Cut without the “E”-Taking Back Sunday
- Motorcycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind
- The Kill-Thirty Seconds to Mars
- There’s No “I” in Team-Taking Back Sunday
- Seventy Times 7-Brand New
- Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional
- Sugar We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
- Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades-Brand New
- I’m Not Okay (I Promise)-My Chemical Romance
- Head Club- Taking Back Sunday
- The Patron Saint of Liars- Fall Out Boy
- The Only Difference Between Matrydom and Suicide is Fame- Panic!At the Disco
- Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
- Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
- A Decade Under the Influences-Taking Back Sunday
- Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things to do Today- Fall Out Boy
- Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional
- Jude Law and A Semester Abroad- Brand New
Here is my spotify playlist of my favorite emo songs for your listening pleasure:
In honor of Taylor Swift’s Birthday, I decided to share my favorite Taylor Swift songs! I didn’t become a Swiftie until last winter when Red (Taylor’s Version) came out. Maybe it was because it was such an emotional time for me but I cried when I watched the “All Too Well” video the first time and the second time when I made my three kids watch the video with me. My youngest son unwittingly knows the lyrics to “Anti-Hero” and “Karma” because some days, I blast Swift from Alexa and my record player. I don’t think you get the full Swiftie experience unless you listen to her on vinyl. Also, in November, I spontaneously found myself at a Taylor Swift Dance Party and it was beyond amazing. I’ve included a short clip of it at the bottom. Anyways, this playlist includes what I consider the best of her work and music that’s gotten me through some of my toughest times or has uplifted me in some way. I hope y’all enjoy it:
All Too Well (The 10 Minute Version)
My Tears Ricochet
Death By a Thousand Cuts
Right Where You Left Me
Better Than Revenge
Long Story Short
The Way I Loved You
Call It What You Want
I Bet You Think About Me
Back to December
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
Below is a link to my Taylor Swift spotify playlist for your listening pleasure:
Below is a short video I made of the Taylor Swift Party I went to in November, it was so much fun! I love how I’m just exuding happiness and joy in this video, it’s a complete turnaround from who I was last year:
To tell the story of the first Andrew, I need to first tell the story of Matt. Matt is my son’s oldest bio dad. Matt has been one of my muses for a lot of my poetry. Matt has also been one of the reasons for why abandonment is such a trigger for me. I won’t say that Matt ruined my life because my son is wonderful and amazing. Matt is just one of the reasons my life has been well, so complicated. I met Matt in an AOL Chat Room when I was 16 and he was 21 in November of 1997. When we first started talking, he pretended to be 19 and going to the University of Hawaii. He was charming and I got this ego boost that an older guy would take an interest in me. Eventually we decided to meet up after a couple of weeks of chatting. I had just started working at Sears so I got the idea that we could meet there after my shift. Well, we met after my shift and he showed up in his friend’s car with his friend. 16 year old naïve me got into his car and then he told me the real truth about himself. The truth was that he was 21 years old and in the Army. He lied to me because he didn’t think I’d talk to him if I knew the truth. I didn’t know what to say. I mean yes, he sounded sketchy but I was stuck in the car with no way out. He then told me that we were going to a friend’s party on base and to lie about my age and say I was 18. Looking back now, I’m lucky that I didn’t end up in a ditch somewhere. We made it to this party and it’s awkward as fuck for me cause I’m awkward as fuck and I didn’t imagine that after 2 weeks of buildup conversation with Matt, our first date was going to be this-a party full of strangers who are drunk, happy ,loud as fuck singing karaoke. I’m miserable but try to my mask my social anxiety by a lot of smiling and nodding . After a few minutes, Matt notices my discomfort and offers to get me a drink. He comes back with a Heineken . I’m still trying to impress Matt and I tell him it’s my favorite drink and try to drink it as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to . So he takes me to the back and we make out. I try to put the brakes on what’s happening. He tells me that I won’t hear from him if I don’t put out. In my head, I still want Matt to like me and suddenly we’re in the back seat of his friend’s car with him hooking up. Him and his friend take me home afterwards.
I saw him again the following weekend and he sneaks me into the barracks where I spend the night. I won’t go into specifics but we’ll just say we had amazing chemistry and it was a night to remember.
Here are a couple of poems I wrote about that night:
Afterwards he ghosted me and I got mad and I wrote this poem:
However, I’m not one to stay down for long and I decided to meet another guy I had been talking to online (AOL Chat room of course) for a few months. His name was Jeremy and he was 16 . We had grown close in our online friendship but I had never seen a picture of him. Our friendship was nice, he made me laugh and constantly complimented me. He asked me to go with him to his school’s military ball that would take place in Mid December. I agreed to go. He picked me up from my house and when I saw him, he wasn’t who I pictured him to be and well there was zero chemistry but now I was stuck in this awkward situation with this dude. Idk why I kept getting myself into these situations aside from the fact that I was 16 and really didn’t make the best choices (lol). So we get to the dance and he introduces me to his friends, I don’t remember the names of all of them but I remember meeting Andrew, his best friend. I call him the first Andrew because there was a second Andrew that comes many, many years later in my story of love and lust. Anyways, I’m with Jeremy most of the night but he takes a break to go to the bathroom and well I start talking to Andrew and I don’t mean to sound corny but the attraction and chemistry between both of us was electric that night. I don’t want to say it was love at first sight but it sure felt like it and we exchanged phone numbers. I remember even dancing with Andrew and feeling this strange feeling of magic. If this had been a telenovela where the main character meets her soulmate, there would be some sappy Spanish love song playing . Me and Andrew, well, we had the Sugar Ray song “Fly”…oh I miss the 90’s sometimes. Lol.
After the dance me and Andrew connected through the phone and AIM (short for AOL Instant Messenger). As we talked more, we realized there was definitely a connection there and we wanted to explore it and we went on a first date and it was absolutely wonderful filled with these sparks inside of me that felt like electricity. And he liked me too. A lot. He wasn’t like the other guys I had dated before. I mean guys like Matt were attractive and all but Andrew felt like something special and unique to me. He lived on the other side of the island by the beach so we had romantic dates at the beach and of course the mall because we were teenagers. The bus ride to see him was about an hour and hour each way but I didn’t care. To me, he was worth it. And he got lost in me too. It was strange and felt absolutely like a movie kind of love. The feeling was really mutual this time and while we lived far away, somehow we made it work for 4 months.
There were of course a few wrinkles in our storybook romance. Jeremy -his best friend and my close friend had “fallen in love” with me after meeting me in person. This meant that we kept our budding romance a secret from him. It was rough and we both felt so guilty. Eventually I had to tell Jeremy that I was dating Andrew when Jeremy professed his love to me one night. After I told him the news, Jeremy didn’t take it well at all and said that he was holding a knife to his wrist and he was going to take his life because I didn’t love him. I don’t know how but I talked him down from the brink. It was really hard on me that I had caused him so much pain and I felt absolutely horrible and responsible for his pain. I honestly don’t know why Jeremy still kept being my friend after this and it was so awkward but somehow our friendship made it. The other wrinkle was that I was missing something very important that month-my period. I was somehow able to get in touch with Matt and tell him my dilemma and he told me he would give me the money to take care of it if I was pregnant. I was in this weird place of shock and awe. My parents had made sure to shelter me so much from the world that things like abortion or teen pregnancy weren’t really talked about. In fact, my Catholic parents were very much about abstinence education only. I also felt awkward about going to the drug store to get a pregnancy test at 16. A few days after talking to Matt, I started spotting and thought it was my period. I had also heard that girls have irregular periods sometimes so I convinced myself of that I. I was adamant that NOTHING would interfere with my love story with Andrew.
From January to April, my romance with Andrew grew and it was filled with so much intensity, chemistry, and connection. He was cute and so intelligent and not at all like the other shallow guys I had dated before. We would have these 2 or 3 hour long really deep and profound conversations. We couldn’t get enough of each other but I was way more obsessed. Around this time, I also noticed I was gaining weight so I figured I would start exercising and really limit my calorie intake (hello almost eating disorder). Anyways, I got so obsessed with him, I started skipping school on a weekly basis to “surprise” him at school when he got out. Yes, I took an hour and a half long bus ride for “love”. And people asked me why I relate to Joe Goldberg-lol.
I fell so deeply “in love” with Andrew, all I thought about was him and only him. It was crazy but I was also a pregnant teenager who was denying her pregnancy to herself at the time. Andrew was also really into me as well, He was so into me that his grades started slipping bad really bad. This was bad for him considering the fact that he really needed a JROTC scholarship for college. He gave a shit about his future while I didn’t give a shit about mine. So one day in April he called me and told me he had to break up with him because his mother said I was too much of a distraction and blamed me that his grades had slipped. I was shocked but didn’t cry and told him okay. We didn’t do the whole “let’s be friend bs” cause we both knew how horrible it would be for both of us. Even at 16 and 17, we both knew better. Jeremy told me that it was really hard on him and he was upset for a while. And I, I fell apart. I’m not sure if I had BPD at the time this happened but I was so deeply hurt, I wanted to die and stayed up at night and wondered which way would be the least painful to take my life. I also remember crying on my bedroom floor playing Mariah Carey’s “Love Takes Time” or Luis Miguel’s “Historia de Un Amor” on repeat.
I was borderline almost depressed catatonic when it happened. Usually, after a breakup, I would find a way to being strong and find anger within and be like “fuck this dude” and give myself a pep talk of “I’m a strong Peruvian Woman” , I’m going to write some angry ass poetry or stories ; this time it didn’t happen. The first Andrew has been one of my few exes to escape my scathing and salty angry poetry. It could have been a combo of the pregnancy and teenage hormones and the fact that I felt like I had lost the love of my life. I just felt absolutely in the pits of despair and devastation and my friends and parents tried their best to take me out of it. Nothing worked though. I still went to school but I was a zombie. I functioned enough so that my parents and friends didn’t press me too hard about how “I needed to get over it and move on”.
The one thing that brought me out of my almost catatonic depression were the flutters in my stomach I was starting to feel. That is, however, a story for another time.
To make a long story short, I did manage to contact Andrew a few years later after I found out that Jeremy had told him about my pregnancy and we did make amends. He forgave me for lying to him and I forgave him for breaking my heart. I was still kind of slightly Joe Goldberg obsessed with him years later and looked him up every now and then when the nostalgia hit. For some reason, years later, he stayed on my pedestal for a while. One day, I finally realized he was just a 16 year old dude in love who knew how to treat me with the love and respect I needed at the time. He was the first guy that I really felt deep and intense feelings for. He was great but he was just another chapter in my book of lust and love.
My relationship with music is probably the healthiest life long relationships I’ve ever had. I honestly don’t know what I would do without it. I listen to music as a way to process both the bad and good things that happen in my life. Music is one of my favorite coping mechanisms I have when I’m having strong emotions. I have a playlist for almost any kind of mood or emotion you might be having: Feeling Sexy- I have a playlist for that, Feeling like a Bad Bitch -I have a playlist for that, Feeling like Your Heart has been shattered in a million pieces and you’re gonna be alone forever- I have a playlist for that too. I like to listen to music first thing in the morning to get my day going. I also listen to it throughout the work day to break up the monotony of the day. Sometimes I even spontaneously serenade my coworkers with my horrendous singing-haha. Music has saved me on numerous occasions from the bad and intrusive thoughts I do have from time to time. I also love to listen to super loud music when I’m power walking and jogging. I listen to all kinds of music from gangsta rap to mainstream pop to boleros. My favorites artists are usually singer songwriters like Taylor Swift, The KID Laroi, Shakira, and Alejandro Sanz. I am super fortunate to be bilingual so I have a huge music catalogue to choose from. No matter what happens in my life, music has always been a way to either help calm me down when I’m angry or perk me up when I get in one of depressive moods. I will be sharing some of the playlists I listen to depending on my moods. Below is a link to posts about a few of my playlists.
This playlist I’m sharing is called “Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself”. This playlist is filled with songs about feeling empowered after life gets you down because of a job loss, a break up, or maybe even just a bad day. It’s about getting your strength back and remembering who were in the first place and getting ready to conquer the world. It’s about finding yourself after losing your spark. It’s about feeling like a bad bitch again. I’ve put in bold my favorite songs from this playlist.
1.Confident- Demi Lovato
2.7 Rings- Ariana Grande
3.It’s Like That-Mariah Carey
4.Build a Bitch- Bella Poarch
5.Everything I Want to Be- Save Ferris
7.Independent Women Part 1-Destiny’s Child
8.Make It Happen- Mariah Carey
11.U.N.I.T.Y- Queen Latifah
12.Look at Her Now- Selena Gomez
15.Express Yourself- Madonna
16.None of Your Business-Salt N Peppa
17.Most Girls- Hailee Steinfeld
18.Free Your Mind- En Vogue
19.Good As Hell-Lizzo
20.THAT BITCH-Bea Miller
Below are the links for your listening pleasure:
Me and Valentine’s Day have a history – well a sordid kind of history full of trauma and drama. Since I can remember I’ve always wanted a Valentine Day where I had the perfect day with my special someone. To me that would feel like a hallmark movie. This hallmark movie would include chocolate, flowers, lots of hand holding and kissing in, romantic dinner and a grand romantic gesture from my partner. The gesture would be so thoughtful, it would make me tear up with happiness. Yes, my expectations were high on this day but hey don’t blame me – I grew up on 90s rom coms and Telenovelas. Let’s talk about my history with this day.
At 14, I was super hyped about this day because I finally had a special someone to celebrate this day with, my first boyfriend, Jude. We went to the Valentine’s Day Dance at the school where we slow danced to the most romantic 90’s songs. Picture Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey playing in the background as I feel myself falling in love. Jude even bought me a rose and unexpectedly gave me this nice sterling silver bracelet and I teared up. I felt like wow, this is so romantic and magical, is this real? Is this too good to be true? Well, ha-ha it was. A week later he broke up with me around my birthday because he realized we were better off as friends. Also, he needed the bracelet back, it has been his mom’s that he had stolen to give it to me. It would be my first taste of drama and trauma surrounding this holiday.
In my late teens and early 20s I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Because of that I would get salty as all my partnered coworkers would get flowers delivered to their office or talked about their stupid romantic plans. One day me and my close friend/coworker Mary- said fuck it, we’ll be each other’s valentine. We’ll send flowers to each other and go out to lunch. It was a great Valentine’s Day that year. We had our own kind of Galantine’s before Leslie Knope made it a thing.
After that, I was with my co-parent/roommate, and this is what I wrote about that day in 2014:
“Valentine’s Day is a waste of a day for older married couples with kids. I suppose that sounds slightly bitter and biased based on my own experiences. I don’t ever remember my parents celebrating Valentine’s Day and they’re still married. So much importance and consumerism is given to this particular day it makes one wonder -how did we as a society eat up all the hype concerning this particular holiday and regurgitated it with “oh so much love, kindness, flowers, chocolates, cards, etc.” The world would be a much better place if love and kindness was practiced more often. It could be part of the new movement called “love and kindness” awareness and it could be marketed with T shirts, pins, and don’t forget the Bumper Stickers” Somehow I think this already happens with the movement “make America kind again” after the last brutal election. Anything can be marketed and consumable by the masses if it makes them feel good about themselves. And that’s why Valentine’s Day is still such a big deal. People that celebrate “their love” can now prove their awesome love by snapchatting or instagraming that shit. Valentine’s Day is just another symptom of the curse of consumerism. `
I was obviously very bitter and jaded when I wrote this. To be fair to my coparent/ roommate, he did try his best some years to fulfill my unrealistic expectations of the day and well- he couldn’t. I do have to mention that one day-I was pleasantly surprised that he bought me a coach perfume, I mentioned wanting it as a joke. I didn’t think he would get it for me, but he did.
In 2018 we opened our marriage and started hooking up/dating dudes. I was also going through a period where my hypersexuality was very intense. I was at a social event drunk, and I got the bright idea that I needed to hook up with someone, anyone that night. So, I met this random dude at the hotel room. I met him from an app, and he had no pictures-and that was for good reason. Ugh, he wasn’t attractive at all, but I was drunk, wanted to have sex, and I was too cute to be alone on Valentine’s Day. Drunk me + hypersexuality +God Complex =no standards for hooking up. Anyways me and this guy have incredibly hot sex and he’s talking dirty. This is all normal except then he starts saying weird things like “I could picture spending my life with you” or “I can see us really falling in love” as he’s ramming me every which way. I don’t want to ruin the mood, so I just figure its weird kink and go with it. I don’t want to ruin the mood and figure, maybe this dude is just lonely or whatever. So, after we have this hot sex, we both go our separate ways. I don’t expect to hear from him. Well, the next day, he blows up my phone wanting to hook up again and I respond telling him “No, it was a onetime thing”. He responds, “we had good chemistry and I’m falling in love with you”. I responded, “I’m not looking for anything like that”. After that what follows are texts, slut shaming with every name in the book “whore, bitch, slut, while also trying to convince me that according to him “we could be so good together”:” I do call him out on his misogyny, but he doesn’t want to hear and says he doesn’t care and continues to insult me while trying to convince me to see him. I’m confused and think “wow, this happened to me as a consequence of my own actions, maybe I deserve it, Idk”. I do proceed to block him. It could have been a nice memory of hot sex of Valentine’s Day but once again it’s marked by trauma and drama. Will I ever have a nice Valentine’s Day? I just want to feel loved and be loved on that day? Why is it so hard?
Fast forward to last year, when I was in love with my recent ex, the second Andrew. That year I had all of the ingredients for my hallmark movie like Valentine’s Day, right? We celebrated V-day on Feb.13, the Saturday before it because of my hectic work schedule. It was really close to perfect. There was good food, wine, butterflies in both of our stomachs cause we’re in love, and dancing. He even makes a grand and thoughtful gesture and I’m so touched I’m almost moved to tears. This is my Hallmark real life movie. Fucking finally, right? I’m so happy and I feel so loved, I share that happiness out in the world with a tweet. Now my relationship with the second Andrew is polyamorous so I’m careful that I don’t tag him and make sure his other partner Sharon is not following me on twitter. I don’t want to hurt any feelings. I ‘m just so grateful to feel loved and be loved by this wonderful man, it’s important for me to share it out there in the world. Among everything crazy and chaotic in my life, I have this perfect memory of love. It’s almost too good to be true right, and it was, a few days later, I hear from him how Sharon’s feelings were hurt by my tweet. I told him about how I made sure that she didn’t see my tweet, but he tells me I’m accountable because my twitter is public. So, to smooth things over, I felt forced apologized for tweeting out my fucking happiness. It was great (insert sarcasm). I remember afterwards feeling this incredible sense of shame and guilt for Sharon’s feelings being hurt by my tweet and at the time I wrote in my journal, “maybe we should break up so she can have him all to herself, I don’t have the time or energy to fight for a man”. I didn’t of course but maybe I was starting to see the cracks in my relationship with the second Andrew. There is a lot more to this story about the second Andrew, but that content will be shared much later this year or next year. I could say that I wish I hadn’t been informed about Sharon’s feelings, but I’ve learned to accept that it happened, and it is what it is. It was just annoying that it was once again another Valentine’s Day followed by drama and trauma.
This year, I decided to flip the switch and rather than feeling sorry or pity for myself to for
being alone; I’m turning this day which is traumatic into a triumphant one. I have declared it my self love day where I’m my own Valentine. I’ve made it so that the only one that can ruin the day is me. Lol. My plan is to take the day off and do the following:
- Wake and exercise.
- Buy myself flowers.
- Watch an episode or two of “You” because I need some time with my king (Joe Goldberg).
- Listen to the Queens on vinyl and write.
- Drink wine and eat tacos while I watch “Kill Bill ” and other violent movies.
- Do all this while I wear my red lingerie and take gratuitous selfies for some sexy self-care later. Wink, wink.
It looks like I’m finally getting my own romantic movie starring myself after 25 years. Except we won’t call it a Hallmark movie, it’s more of an Indie film. I will post an update on how it all went on next Valentine’s Day.
In April, my parents leave the country and I do what most responsible 20 year old single moms do when they have the house to themselves- throw a party for me and my coworkers. It wasn’t a huge party and to be honest it was kind of lame. Lucas and Paula are there and we drink,hang out and talk.
Lucas eventually leaves the party and Paula cries to me about how upset she is that she can’t really have a true relationship with Lucas.It was a weird and awkward situation for me to be in considering my feelings for Lucas.
Around this time, Ron comes and spends a weekend with me and my son. I notice that he tries to discipline my son and yells at him and complains about how bratty son is. This does not sit well at all with me and I start to grow distant from him. I know that I need to break up with him but I procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate on this.
Around mid April, my son gets sick with pink eye and strep throat and I do as well and stay home a few days. On one of those days, Lucas comes by to spend the evening since his wife is out of town. He comes with food and alcohol. We spend a few hours watching TV with my son and eventually my son goes to sleep in the back bedroom. We start drinking and put on some music. Our soundtrack was Matchbox 20, 3 Doors Down, Hoobastank , Linkin Park , Shakira ,and of course Nickelback, Below is a playlist of the songs that “we fell in love to”:
We start dancing and there is so much chemistry and we kiss. One thing leads to another and we have sex in one of the bedrooms. It feels like this is a surreal dream and I feel like I’m really in love AGAIN. I’m in disbelief that I could fall in love again. In fact, I’m so in love that I’ll overlook the fact that 1) he’s married with no plans of leaving his wife 2) he’s still sleeping with my close friend Paula and of course 3) I’m still dating Ron. However, none of this matters to me because I think that eventually our special and unique love will conquer all because like duh…that’s what happens in romantic movies and telenovelas. Looking back on this, I think that most likely I had undiagnosed BPD based on the choices I was making. I mean, I even come up with nicknames for both of us based on the Brazilian telenovela, “El Clon”- He’s Lucas and I’m Jade. Here is a clip from that meeting that I felt captured the magic of our first meeting:
So after having sex, we start a whatevership that’s mostly phone calls and long ass emails where I vent to him about Ron and he offers advice. We also come up with more corny nicknames like Superman and Superchick. I cringe right now as I’m typing this but I’m trying my best to not judge my 21 year old self.
In the middle of May, I not only get more distant with Ron but I eventually ghost him for weeks. I was in love with Lucas but still felt a deal of shame and guilt about the whole situation. However, I couldn’t stay away from Lucas because I LOVE HIM and nothing else should MATTER, right? I’ll admit it, I was downright obsessed. And he fed into my “fire of love” with his emails and sweet words of love. Below is an excerpt from one of his emails:
At one point, I started to write a book about “us” because I feel like this is the GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER! Nothing compares to our “forbidden love”. I’m actually laughing right now as to how absurd it all feels. Like, wow, this was my real life 20 years ago. Then again, I do go on to repeat similar unhealthy patterns almost 20 years later so there’s that. After numerous emails from Ron asking me where I am, I decide to finally break up with Ron. I do it the worst possible way which was via email. I actually tell the story of how that all went dowin later on this month through poetry about how I processed it and endured Ron’s rightful wrath. Yes, Ron may have been emotionally abusive at times but he still deserved more than an email. After this, I vent to Lucas about it and this was his response:
In late June ,me and Lucas start to fizzle out and the emails are fewer and shorter. I process this through salty poetry and of course drinking and finding my next victim, Damon.
Eventually Lucas tells me he’s going to work things out with his wife and the emails stop. I accept it but it’s still hard for me to process but I find my next victim, Damon. Damon is there to catch me. He’s a new start for me, not exactly the start I want, but an escape from the feelings of worthlessness and abandonment I was feeling. That time was intense for me. I broke someone’s heart and had my heart broken at the same time while getting into a new relationship. It’s chaos, but hey that’s life on the BPD. As I’m at the end of this story, I never imagined that this is how I would tell this story. In my mind, this story has always been larger than life. I do want to add that I did run into Lucas a few years later when I’m working at Target and a few years after that I ran into his marriage announcement in the local newspaper and yes, I wrote a poem about that too.
Looking back, I don’t judge anyone in this story. I think that we were all just doing our best to find love. And of course, at times, even our best looks shitty. Also looking back on the emails and my journal entries from that time period , I see how these unhealthy patterns in relationships have presented in my life over and over again as recently as this past year. It almost makes me want to stay alone forever to be honest because it sucks to keep repeating this story over and over again. However after almost 6 months of therapy, I’m learning to not judge my past self because she was just doing the best with the information she had at the time. Still, I think it will be a long time before I think about dating.
Sometimes I wonder if Paul aka my own “Jake Gyllenhaal”ever felt this.Probably not. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 19 and he was 29. He honestly had no business dating a teenager but to him I was mature for my age cause I had a kid. He loved the passion and excitement I brought at the beginning but left cause he didn’t have the emotional bandwidth at the time when I wanted to be treated as something more than an easy and convenient snack. When the “All Too Well” 10 minute version came out, I felt like whoa this song is way too relatable. And it wasn’t because of my most recent breakup; it was because of unresolved trauma from Paul. It was me revisiting a traumatic time in my life where there was a strange power dynamic with this divorced man who had tons of more life experience than I did. Also, like the “Jake” in the “All Too Well” video he was all about the “fuck the patriarchy, I love strong women vibe” UNTIL that strong woman demands to be treated better, until that strong woman holds him accountable for his actions. People may say “oh you read too much into a casual relationship” but this mutherfucker was meeting my parents and son within the first two weeks of dating me. Tell me how this looks like to an impressionable 19 year old young adult confused and looking for love.
I remembered when he brought me around his friends and it was kind of embarrassing that I couldn’t drink with them due to my age. I should have seen the first red flag when he told me that the major reason for his divorce was that his ex-wife was “crazy” and he painted himself as the victim. I should have seen the second red flag when he told me “not to fall in love with him” when we were having sex for the first time. After maybe 6 weeks, we were suppose to spend Valentine’s Day together and he never showed up.Instead of picking up the phone and letting me know he wasn’t going to make it, he sent me an email the next day with some bullshit excuse and telling me “not to be mad at him”. At 19 almost 20 years old, I had the maturity to understand that he wasn’t making me a priority when I was making him one and I had to speak up. I understood something was changing as he grew even more distant from me and I tried to accommodate to what he needed even if it hurt And then after one week, he killed me with an email. He didn’t even think I was worth a phone call.
Later on he contacted me about wanting to be friends. And I, thinking it was the mature thing to do and still wanting to please this person that I had grown attached to and cared for, accepted this offer of pseudo friendship. Yes, this dude had kill the very essence of my soul with an email (not thinking I was worth a phone call) and I was still trying to reassure his ego by remaining friends. I did this as I cried at night wondering why I wasn’t good enough. I faked this friendship as my heart was breaking wondering how I always get stuck with these confused boys whose “intentions were never to hurt me” but somehow always do in such a way that I end up losing myself. I did this as I would throw up every time after I got off the phone with him.To add insult to injury, he accused me of giving him an STD shortly even though he had also been sleeping with his ex wife ( either cheating on me or very shortly after we broke up). During the time I was with him, it was only him and I had never given him reason to think differently. Did my sexual passion or my Latinidad give him a pass to judge and slut shame me? The things he had gone crazy over suddenly transformed me into a whore in front of his eyes. I handled that whole situation with grace, went to get tested for his peace of mind, was slut shamed by the nurse who did the testing. Still remained in contact with him and yes, this friendship was just a ruse to have access to sex with me again if things didn’t work out with his ex wife. I found out months later when he asked me to dinner and we slept together. I remember feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself cause I felt nothing and very numb the entire time we had sex in the parking lot of a church (yes-he was a super classy guy-lol). After that, he disappeared. It feels like a life time ago and yet a few of those unhealthy patterns emerged again in my love life in October of that same year (“S” aka the great breakup of 2001) and in other relationships throughout my adult life. Lol. I wish I could say that the chapter of Paul ended after he disappeared but it didn’t.
He messaged me through myspace sometime around 2005 even though he was married at the time. Me, trying to be polite chatted with him for a couple of weeks. In March of 2020, he also messaged under the ruse of friendship and as we were chatting he sends this message:
I hadn’t talked to him since April of 2020 BUT I didn’t feel closure from this situation so I reached out to him on November 14th of this year and sent him this message:
After sending this message, I proceeded to block him. And honestly, I felt this great sense of relief and closure. It really bothered me that I didn’t stand up for myself at the time and he basically got away feeling like he was a “good or nice guy” in the situation and I let him continue to objectify me out of the facade of being polite. I will also say that while revisiting this was traumatic; it made me also reflect something. For example, how reactive I am when certain similar situations in my life have occurred. If I feel slut shamed, judged or objectified; I explode in a fit of anger and rage. I don’t do this all of the time because I’ve learned to ignore and process those situations in a healthy manner, however, if my emotional bandwidth isn’t there, LOOK OUT! That being said, as weird as it sounds, I’m glad that I got I revisit this traumatic experience in my life because I needed to truly heal from it and closure. Also, I don’t plan to reach out like this to all of my exes, I have mostly healed and gotten closure from most of my breakups; but I do have to say that certain relationships have marked me and there are certain unhealed parts of those relationships I haven’t healed from that need to be addressed. This might look like reaching out to them or writing a blog or another poem about them.
This playlist that I will share is titled: “For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry). I don’t handle breakups very well. Actually, I handle them poorly and go kind of nuts. Music helps me cope with the multitude of emotions I have. This playlist is the kind of playlist you play out loud in your car or at home with your headphones as you write mediocre and sad poetry. This playlist is based on the disastrous and heart wrenching breakups I’ve had throughout my life. These are songs I go to when I’m feeling numb or the waves of sadness come. I’ve put in bold the ones that I like to put on repeat.
1.Wrong Direction-Hailee Steinfeld
2.Someone You Loved-Lewis Capaldi
3.Rest Stop-Matchbox 20
4.Dangerously- Charlie Puth
5.Don’t Speak-No Doubt
6.Goodbye to You-Michelle Branch
7.Stone Cold- Demi Lovato
8.Lose You to Love Me-Selena Gomez
9.Too Much to Ask- Niall Horan
10.River of Tears- Alessia Cara
11.The Night We Met- Lord Huron
12.What a Time-Niall Horan with Julia Michaels
13.White Flag- Dido
14.Consequences- Camila Cabello
15.I Have Nothing-Whitney Houston
16.I’m Going Down-Mary J.Blige
17.It Must Have Been Love- Roxette
18.Another Sad Love Song- Toni Braxton
20.Breakdown- Mariah Carey
Below are links for your listening pleasure: