Stuck in between Spanish and English is a bilingual nightmare constantly switching between languages gives me a lifelong jaqueca and at times I don’t get it right it’s switching between two identities Latina or American it gets hard and confusing at times but it’s who I am Hablo con mamá en Español I speak to my sons in English Hablo con los pacientes en Español I speak to my coworkers in English and to code switch parece una comedia I’m told that I’m fun and loud en Español pero soy profesional y reservada in English eventually I learn to meld my American and Latina personalities and I find my most authentic bilingual and bicultural identity
one day the karens will rise up and protest on the streets with their short blond hair auspiciously blowing in the wind and their know it all smirks, armed with latest iphones in their gucci bags with signs that say, live, laugh and love or I want to speak to the manager they’ll stomp in their $100 uggs with a purpose to be seen and heard with a purpose to complain about everything wrong in their world with a purpose to take their name back one will get on the megaphone and talk about the oppression they face because of their name or the pale color of their skin or their higher social status and people-well they’ll laugh at them, they’ll love the absurdity of their message and live for this-the least empowering moment in history
I’m at another one of life’s crossroads trying not to make a turn for the worst don’t stop but don’t go too fast I want my momentum to last I slow down and observe and carefully ride life’s curves and this time I really listen and reach out to close friends I’m not okay but I will be okay soon I’ll find my way I’m still grasping for a stable sense of self and learning how to love and accept myself
As 2022 ends, I feel a sense of gratitude and peace in my heart for how many blessings I’ve had this year. I’m closing this year off with immense serenity in my life. That’s saying a lot for me who used to live in chaos and for adrenaline rushes. I’m not saying I’m “healed” or “cured” of my BPD but I will say that I’m so much better at managing my emotions. This year has been about recovery from my BPD symptoms that often left me in a constant influx of emotional chaos. While I still feel my emotions intensely, they don’t control me like they used to. I’m a much happier and content person at the end of this year than I was starting off the year. In fact, this has been one of the best years of my life. I wanted to give you some insight into what helped me:
1.Routine and Consistency pays off-
In the latter half of 2021, I started to pay really close attention to how I was spending my time and learned what was working for me and what wasn’t. When I’m not working, I incorporate a routine of wellness and creativity that helps me feel balanced in my otherwise super busy life with 2 jobs and 3 kids. I make time for exercise 1 to 2 times a week and write daily. I’ve learned that this combination has helped me so much in bettering my mental health. The endorphins from walking/running always makes me feel better especially after a rough day. Writing every day has been instrumental in helping me manage my emotions. I journal every day and try to write poetry daily even when I’m not super inspired. Do I like everything I write? No, but I don’t filter out anything I’m thinking no matter how crazy or dumb it seems like at the time. If it’s a poem, I tell myself, well I can always revise and edit later. This first draft is almost always going to be rough. Here’s a poem I wrote about it:
2. Find your own Happy Place or Happy Places This year I’ve felt a sense of overall contentment in my life because I’ve learned how to be happy. Happiness is a hard emotion for me because I’ve been depressed and anxious for the majority of my adult life. However, one of the things I learned this year is to build happiness, and sometimes that looks crazy. Music, writing, nature, exercising, and food are a few of the things out of many that bring me joy. This year, I even made a playlist called “Happy Music” with Yung Gravy and Jack Harlow songs that hype me up. Here is that playlist:
3.Take back the Power from the things that have made you feel powerless
I used to live in a world of insecurity and fear about a lot of things. I allowed my fear of failure to keep me from living a full life. Last year, I decided to stop doing this and just started living unapologetically and authentically. I stopped caring about how I’m perceived to others for the most part. One example is that I was always too afraid to call myself a writer/poet because 1) I wasn’t published 2) I didn’t feel like I was intelligent or eloquent enough in my writing to do so. In fact, when I was posting poetry in 2016/2017 I used to call my writing mediocre and I now think that was a disservice to myself. It was me devaluing myself and my art. This year, I’ve learned not to judge what I’ve written or decide to post. It might resonate with someone or it might not resonate with anyone.What matters to me is that I’m being brave enough to share it with the world.
4.Whatever you do, don’t suppress your feelings.
This one is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. For years on end I had been conditioned that anger and sadness were these negative emotions that I should try my best not to feel and express. Even when I allowed myself to feel them, I still spiral into a loop of shame and guilt about it. I went through a process this year of learning to let go of that shame and guilt and fully feel those emotions, express them (sometimes through exercise or writing), and organically letting go of them. I’ll admit, sometimes I do get hateful when I’m like this and a hateful poem happens but I tell myself, this is me in this moment and doesn’t define who I am. It’s like an emotional burp or first thought that needed to be expressed. Yes, sometimes I call my poems emotional burps or first thoughts. Doing this has helped me find more contentment, satisfaction, and gratitude in my life in general. Here is an example of one of those “emotional burps”:
5.Be Protective of Your Energy I cannot stress this enough. The only way I was able to really thrive this year is to understand I could not extend my emotional bandwidth. One thing that kind of drained me was men,relationships and sex so in May when “C” stopped responding to me, I decided to delete his contact info, archived our photos and pretty much ended that relationship on my own terms. I was honestly really proud of myself because I took it in stride and accepted it because well me and him had a good run. I also told any other men I was kind of entertaining that I wasn’t available for anything aside from a platonic friendship. With that, I decided to give myself a year of celibacy from that part of my life. It was rough starting out because aside from a couple of months here and there, I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been romantically involved with someone. 7 Months later, I’m much better. I’ll admit that celibacy does suck at times but it’s been completely worth it. It’s the break I needed to really discover who I am without the validation from relationships and men I’ve been dependent on since the age I was teenager. I plan to date sometime in May after my divorce is final provided I feel like I have the energy. Right now, my energy is really happy and thriving and I’m continuing to build on this.Here is a poem I wrote about missing my white jacket after me and “C” ended:
6.Acknowledge and take accountability for your part in your misery
I’ve been doing this on and off for the past 5 years but if I had to be honest with myself, I’ve also blamed others unfairly for my misery. It’s not that I don’t acknowledge that the actions of other people have caused me pain or that I condone that pain but at the end of the day I can’t control them. I can only control myself. This means I choose what situations I put myself in, who I allow into my life, what energy I let in, etc,etc. I used to think that life happened to me and I didn’t have much power over it. Thanks to a deep level of self awareness and introspection, I’m hyper aware of much control and power I have over my life and damn, it’s way more than I expected. It took me a while to get here and it sucked because now I can’t blame my parents, my exes, or that idiot who put a triggering status post on facebook about politics- it’s really me and how I react to it/them. As difficult as it has been to acknowledge this, it has also helped me feel this sense of peace in a lot of ways. I sleep way better at night understanding this concept. I also understand that there are things I won’t have control over but I always have a choice as to how I react to it. Here is a poem I wrote about it:
2022 was one of the calmest and best years of my life. This year was my year to rest and recharge because I know 2023 will be chaotic with all the changes I’m making in my life. These changes will be uncomfortable but like someone once told me, “you have to go out of your comfort zone in order to grow”. I hope that whatever happens; I continue to grow and learn from the experience. I’ve healed and transformed into the healthiest version of myself but still understand that I’m a work in progress. I look forward to continuing this journey of self discovery and am excited about what’s to come.
Easy E,Tupac, and Dr.Dre calmed me down when I was lost amidst a nervous breakdown I couldn’t remember who the fuck I was or where I came from then I blasted some Gangsta Rap in my ear and remembered who the fuck I was I’m a Queen from the land of the Incas raised in West L.A and Paradise I’m made to withstand earthquakes and hurricanes even when they come disguised as humans that’s when I turned my grief into anger and rage and knew I wouldn’t be “just okay” I would make this my greatest comeback in my life story
This was my response to prompt #30: The time of day you prefer
Sunday mornings make me jump out of bed ready to seize the fuck out of the day First my overpriced coffee while I blast out music in my ears and tune the world out Write, write, write whatever crazy thing has been lingering in my mind then I drive to the only place where I can get fresh bread I stand in a line full of the local hipsters for my gluttonous must have rush back home where I write and plot more blog content for next month will there be another playlist? more angry poetry about an ex who screwed me over? or am I changing the narrative and finally being honest about my recovery Sunday mornings are always an opportunity for my creativity to come out in full force without judgment, without apologies
This was my response to prompt #24: Your Top Priority
I build the life of my dreams through discipline and hard work while I appreciate everything I have at this moment even the minor annoyances and especially the moments of calm and silence I’m no longer relegating myself to a side character or a side chick or a passenger in my life I’m writer, the master, the driver of the life I’m creating
Believing in myself feels like an act of rebellion after years of self loathing and self destruction I finally feel enough and complete Is this some kind of dream? Do I really love myself? Do I really accept myself? Do I really care about myself? I do and I do and I do I’m ready to live out my truth I’m complicated and complex and not terrible or a hot mess I’ve been forever misjudged and thought I was too much The reality of my authenticity Brings out a new transparency I was never too much or not enough or even the hardest to love I might be a complicated puzzle to solve But I’m always, always, worthy of love
December 19th is National Emo Day and I wanted to honor it by sharing my spotify playlist with my favorite Emo Songs. I started listening to Emo music when my best friend introduced me to Taking Back Sunday and Brand New in college. I liked the music but didn’t get into it until the summer of 2021. I remember I was on my summer staycation from hell and had this feeling of numbness and shock in my body as I was doing my power walk and no song was hitting the spot for me to feel something. I was also having a lot of intrusive and negative thoughts at the time so I was trying to feel something, anything to get out of my head and stay safe. None of the music I was listening to was hitting the spot and then I decided to try my former angry playlist and Cut without the E came on and omg my anger came out in full force. It was like this weird gift from the universe because well, I finally felt something and it was powerful. It feels strange to say that rage felt empowering to me but it did. It knocked me out of my self pity and hardcore suicidal ideation into my anger phase of the grief I was in and it was what I needed at the time. It was the song I needed to get me through one of the hardest times in my life. Anyways, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to the album, “Tell All Your Friends” by Taking Back Sunday that summer. Then I rediscovered Brand New, and discovered Fallout Boy, Panic!At the Disco and the music really resonated with me. I always joke around with my friends that “maybe I just like these white boys yelling angry lyrics in my ear” lmao. But seriously, there is something about that white boy angst and anger that really hits the spot when I’m in a bad mood. Well, rap music also hits the spot but that’s another blog post. Lol. This summer I was actually lucky enough to see Taking Back Sunday with Third Eye Blind in concert with the same best friend who introduced me to TBS. It’s weird to say but it was one of the most joyous experiences of my life. It was one of the times when I was thankful of the intensity of emotions that comes with my BPD because when I’m happy, oh boy, it’s almost overwhelming but in a good way.
Below is a video of me in the summer of 2021 and the summer of 2022. There is a clear difference in both versions of me. I remember being so reactive and full of rage when I recorded the video where I’m in my room and immediately posting it on tik tok. I was in my “fuck the world” stage of grief. The video at the concert is me in this state of complete happiness and joy. I remember thinking “wow, I’m just really happy at this moment listening to this song. There is no room for anger in my heart”. It’s dramatic to say that it was cathartic for me but it was. To diminish that moment to something less than that would be invalidating what I felt at that moment.
Helena -My Chemical Romance
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have without Taking Her Clothes Off- Panic!At the Disco
Cut without the “E”-Taking Back Sunday
Motorcycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind
The Kill-Thirty Seconds to Mars
There’s No “I” in Team-Taking Back Sunday
Seventy Times 7-Brand New
Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional
Sugar We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades-Brand New
I’m Not Okay (I Promise)-My Chemical Romance
Head Club- Taking Back Sunday
The Patron Saint of Liars- Fall Out Boy
The Only Difference Between Matrydom and Suicide is Fame- Panic!At the Disco
Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
A Decade Under the Influences-Taking Back Sunday
Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things to do Today- Fall Out Boy
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional
Jude Law and A Semester Abroad- Brand New
Here is my spotify playlist of my favorite emo songs for your listening pleasure:
I was never the marrying kind Don’t know why I forced myself into that line Maybe because of society’s expectations I made marriage my destination But it wasn’t really who I ever was Forever is not meant to be in my book of love But still I tried for seven years And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear I felt trapped in a cage of my own making Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking But it was never truly me Living this suburban reality And one day I wanted to sleep forever My mind collapsed from society’s pressure to continue this facade of being the perfect wife With my perfectly imperfect life My authenticity I had to put aside I’m a wife and mother of three There’s no such thing as being free But these were the lies I told myself The critic in me I learned to quell I learned I could be a mother but not a wife My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride There would no more anniversaries We were done with self imposed forgeries And a new chapter started with us One full of laughter, friendship and familial love
This is my response to prompt #15: the best kind of surprise
Love surprises me with a glance, with a slight touch on my hand And 99.9 percent of me wants to run I don’t want to take a chance once again with my sanity but the romantic in me say “fuck it” maybe this will finally be a different story one where my lover doesn’t leave
I wrote this in December 2018 when my husband forgot our 8 year anniversary. Iguess I was a little salty and kind of still processing the breakup of our marriage.
He forgot our 8 year anniversary I didn’t remind him because it didn’t really matter. Hopefully, this time next year, we will be divorced. There was no use in feeling sad or spilling tears Over something that would end soon. There was no use in feeling devastated over Something that never should have happened. Vows that should never have been taken. Promises of love that were doomed from the beginning. Empty words that were never believed in. 8 years of marriage; an institution we thought would bind us for eternal life. So that maybe the sting of resentment and neglect wouldn’t break us apart. He forgot our 8 year anniversary Just like he forgot all of his promises to “Try harder” or “to change” So I wouldn’t leave. He forgot our 8 year anniversary. And it’s fine. You don’t celebrate something That is already dead.