Poesía: Injusto

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/26/poetry-unfair/

Me siento
molesta, enojada, frustrada
cuando pienso en ti

Estoy
deprimida, miserable, desilusionada
desde que me abandonaste

Mientras tu estas
Feliz, reluciente, brillante
eres un idiota miserable

Es injusto
que el destino me lleve a alguien
que me daría un dolor tan profundo

Poetry: Nostalgia

I wrote this poem in 2004 when I was feeling nostalgic about my ex boyfriend A after I had a dream about him. That love story is actually super complicated but that’s another blog post.

Me at age 16

The light falls on his eyes for a few minutes

And I see the flecks of green in them

But what I really see is a different life

I see the life that could’ve been mine

I see the kids we never had

I see the us that was and couldn’t be

But mostly what I see

Is a world full of remorse

Because of adolescent lies and pride

That made us say 

Sorrowful goodbyes

Goodbye Hazel Eyes

And the almost happy future

Held in them 

Poetry: Waiting

This another poem inspired about the great breakup of 2001. I probably wrote this when it first happened. My sense of reality is shook up after a break up and it feels like a never ending nightmare that I’ll never wake up from after it happens. This doesn’t happen with every break up…just the ones that really affect me.

Waiting 

So I wait for the phone to ring
To hear you say
this loneliness has all been a horrible dream
So I wait for you to show up at my door
To tell me you can’t stand being away from me no more
So I wait for your love letter in my mailbox
To begin getting back together

Flash Fiction: Once Again

I wrote this in 2004 and revised it recently. It’s not based on anything from real life.

hard truth

They’re driving back from the theater. All evening he’s been quiet and she wonders what is going on. She reaches for his hand but he won’t give it to her. She tries to look into his eyes and he looks away.She can feel him cold and distant. She no longer recognizes what is supposed to be “them”. With tears in her eyes, she says, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing.” he says as he’s still evading her eyes.

“Do you still love me?” she asks with a quivering voice. 

“I’m sorry.I’m in love with someone else. It’s nothing you did. These things happen, I hope–

“STOP!” she yells. She’s barely holding it together at this point. 

“I’m really sorry, I just want to-”

“STOP! I’m done with this. Stop the car.” she screams at him. 

“You’re being crazy, at least let me-”

“NO. I want nothing from you! Stop the car NOW!”

“You need to calm — he stops mid sentence as he sees her taking off her seat belt and unlocking the door. He stops the car. He says, “I just want–” 

“Fuck what you want” she says as she gets out of the car.

“But I-”

“There is nothing left to say”. She tells him. She walks away while she cries and laughs.She whispers to herself  “fuck.once again”.  

Poetry: Fence

I wrote this in 2007 about my husband. I was frustrated that he was always so guarded with his emotions and his past. I hated that I could give him my vulnerability and he couldn’t give me his. Looking back now, I should have realized how incompatible we were at the time, but my stubborn and optimistic self wanted things to badly work.

me around the time I wrote this poem

A steel and locked fence guards you.

It does its job well.

Your insecurities and emotions never

come out to play with mine.

Your past never comes out to 

join mine in a game of nostalgia.

Will your fence ever open for me?

Poetry: Veins

I wrote this poem in the fall of 2007. I wrote this one about my husband. It was a good moment but even during the good moments, I’m still insecure.

me in 2007 when this poem was written I look so happy …lol

Veins of love’s 

moss grow

every minute

I’m with you

Will the veins 

ever run out

of moss?

Will you ever 

leave me?

Poetry: Young and Dumb

I wrote this in 2006 when I was remember the days of my youth.

always remember that…

Young and Dumb 

My mind tries to fight
What my heart wants to write
About being young and dumb
You’d think I’ve moved on
But it doesn’t happen
And my paper is dampened
With words about being sixteen
And doing many sinful things
Getting drunk and hooking up
Was my beginner’s luck
But I still had plenty of luck
Being young and so dumb
My pen and paper will have to settle
For not knowing any better

Pattyat16
Me circa 1997, at 16. 

 

Poesia: Podría Ser

Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John. Pensaba que a lo mejor cambaría de parecer pronto pero no fue así.

tal vez

Podría ser que yo no soy
Aquella mujer
A la cual no quieres ligarte

Podría ser que yo no soy
Aquella chica
Que siempre va a misa

Podría ser que yo no soy
Aquella princesa
Que no te compadezca

Pero después de probar
Estos deliciosos labios
Nunca dirás adiós

Y después de sentir
Mi cuerpo dedicado a ti
Solo pensaras en mi

Y después de estar conmigo
Conocerás el amor verdadero
Y no te arrepentirás
De echar todo lo que podría ser

Poetry: Unhappiness

I wrote this poem in fall of 2005 when I was feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities of being a mother, a girlfriend, a student and a worker. As usual at that time, I took on too much and was trying to be everything to everyone. One trait of BPD that I’ve carried throughout the years is over extending myself sometimes to my detriment in order to make other people happy.

Me with my middle child circa late 2005

Feelings I can’t turn off

Quickly come in droves

Don’t know what to do 

My options are few

Do I follow my gut?

And get away from this rut

Or do i stay here ?

And become what I fear;

A woman that settles

And lets others meddle 

A woman with no mind

And with everything, she is fine

But can I turn off the real me?

And stay so unhappy