your wretched goodbye brought a radical change within me left behind was the naive girl who fell in love with you left behind was the stupid bitch who made a home in you left behind was the insecure woman who made you her world the woman who stands before you made a 360 turn the woman who stands before lives life according to her own terms without apologizing, without accommodation, without toning herself down the woman you left behind no longer exists she turned into ashes and out of the ashes turned into a brave and powerful queen who learned that her love is the rarest type of jewel that she reserves only for those who love her and accept her exactly as she is
When I open my eyes,I whine and grunt Another day where I whine,whine, whine Working to live? Or living to work? I can’t remember which is better Living is really just guesswork Maybe today I won’t feel so much anger Perhaps I should find hope in this new day Instead of living in doom and gloom Maybe the darkness will stay away Or I’ll cry at work in the bathroom again
I wish I could be perfect to everyone in my life, the perfect mom, the perfect coparent, the perfect mistress but the pressure gets too loud within me And I need to get away from how I want to be perceived I’ll never be the perfect anything I’m never be June Cleaver or the perfect dream girl I can only be authentically and imperfect me And maybe me and everyone in my life need to accept that’s the best I can be
My diagnosis doesn’t define me, It empowers me, it makes sense of my nonsense I’m not crazy or chaotic or even hard to love I’m a dream come true wrapped up in complexity sure at times I feel like a nightmare But don’t all of us get rough at times So whoever gets scared and runs away from me Sorry not sorry, I’m too much and you’re just not enough
The debut collection of poems Visceral from Melia Cogan is appropriately named since it will make you feel a multitude of intense emotions internally. As a person that feels intense emotions, I loved this book. The book is divided into 3 sections titled Love, Rage, and Death. Reading this book felt like going through a roller coaster of emotions-from sexy to anger to sadness. Personally, for me, this is a good thing. I resonate with poetry that makes me feel my emotions. I picked my favorite poem from each section. This was hard since all the poetry in this collection is amazing.
The first section Love captures the magical feeling of what it’s like to be in love, make love, and be loved. Her poems in this section makes even the most jaded of us feel like there is a world where love is possible. The first poem “Daemon-Lover” leaves you breathless with the raw emotion and sensuality felt throughout the poem. The second stanza is fire as it states, “With a spirit strong as seventy/As his throbbing passion sears me/ With its ‘blind encompassing throbbing power ”(Cogan, 22-25) It makes you feel like you are witnessing passion on display. You might have to take a cold shower after reading this poem. The other poems in this section not only capture the passion of being in love but also the complexity of other feelings that come with it.
The next section of the book is Rage, and you feel the anger and rage within this section.
My favorite poem in this section is Women’s Inheritance which captures the essence of what’s like being a woman in the 21st century. It addresses the misogyny that our modern patriarchal society continues to administer to women. The poem also conveys the disappointment that women feel after being used and discarded nonchalantly by men. The sixth stanza captures this feeling as it states, “Finally, you who I love with my whole self / Could not display this mythical manly bravery/ To tell me the truth/ Why not?” (Cogan, 30-33). The other poems in this section captures the anger felt with different experiences in life ranging from expectations in relationships to abandonment issues. Cogan expresses a raw truth about anger that most people are afraid to express and that is a kind of bravery you don’t see often.
The last section is Death and I’ll just say that you should have a box of tissues by your side because it will probably make you cry. In this section, Cogan is versatile in exploring the theme of death. In this section, my favorite poem is Remember Me for the Birthdays which is how the poet wants to be remembered by her loved ones. The eleventh stanza conveys this as it states, “Remember how I filled you with the urge/to push forward and explore/To engage life, expanding in all good directions” (Cogan, 37-40). Cogan is skillful at portraying grief in a conscientious manner that’s both thoughtful and respectful.
Melia Cogan brings a raw vulnerability and talent to her debut collection. I highly recommend this poetry collection if you are looking for a versatile collection that explores the depth of the human experience. I’m excited to read and review her next poetry book, Love Pangs. Below are the links for both Visceral and Love Pangs.
I can’t wait around for you to choose me I’m losing sleeping with dread and anxiety imagining you loving her I think this needs to end soon before I lose it I’m not made to be the “other”woman I’m not meant to be a third party in anyone’s love story
I fucked many recklessly without a purpose some part of me was looking for love it was a temporary cure when I wanted to avoid emptiness it was a temporary cure for my painful loneliness so I used the the magic of my body to feel like somebody, like I was worthy But one day I got tired of how it wasn’t enough and found my worth and self love I mean, sure it was fun but I’m done, done and done I forgive the person I once was who mistook lust for love I didn’t know any better and settled for prince charmings when I really needed a king to match my love energy A king who accepts all of me and not just her body A king who wants to evolve and grow with me
I wish for sleep to take me away to a dreamless land but I’ll take unpleasant dreams about ghosts from my past just so my body can get a full night’s rest But sleep evades me,it runs away from me like a lover who lures me with a taste of love only to abandon me on a whim and I try and try and try to shut down my mind but tonight an emotional triggers hit me and trauma visits me My body and mind remembers the adrenaline rush of emotional and physical wounds and it scares sleep off I wonder what to do next and get angry at my traitorous body but I remember-trauma is complex and while most of it has been processed There are still remnants that come out to be seen, to be addressed And I end up here with the nightmare of insomnia that won’t let me rest And while it’s scary I remember it’s also temporary eventually my body has to give in and I’ll fall asleep
I’m constantly shunned from men who profess their love when I show up feral and without a filter They’ll call me their princess until I show them my wild They always love me beautiful and submissive and they leave when I get assertive and subversive They feel deceived when they fall for a polite princess And somehow end up with an amazon Queen Maybe it’s the Incan in me who can’t reign it in They say, “you’re too much, you’re too crazy” Is there a man out there who can handle my duality?
I am restless and unsettled realizing you never loved me I was just another girl to you nothing special, nothing meaningful just someone temporary to pass the time with I’m growing tired of this repetitive story Another love that expires when I ask for something more Another story that starts off with so much promise only to end up as another tragedy
my real diagnosis should be “failure at love” childhood trauma gave me abandonment issues teenage trauma cemented it and added identity issues combined with chronic emptiness I couldn’t stand the constant void within so I chased love trying to fill it constantly sought out validation from men to stop feeling ugly and alone I’ve used them and they’ve used me as band aids for our mutual loneliness and when I start to feel sure of their love it suddenly disappears and all of my issues came back with force with suicidal ideation entwined And still I dusted myself off and tried my luck with love over and over again thinking each time it will be different except it never is they always tire of me and decide to leave and once again my insanity hits and I break Intrusive thoughts spiral in my head in an endless loop “’i’m a failure to love,i’m a failure at love, i’m a failure with love,i’m never enough, i’m worthless, death must be better than this” this was my tragic love story for 26 years but on year 26, I said “fuck this tragic love story” and I got the courage to change it I’m not a failure to love, I’m not a failure at love or I’m not a failure with love I’m enough by myself, I can be alone by myself and I turn into a success story of love
My emotions cloud and distort my reality anger brings out passive aggressive social media post sadness tells me I’m worthless joy makes everything seem magical numbness makes me want to end it all hyper-sexuality makes me want to fuck almost everyone
My emotions cloud and distort my reality I get paranoid, mad, sad, happy, and horny all in one day My escapes used to be fucking and drinking But I got older and wiser And now I run and I write
My emotions cloud and distort my reality And I learned to regulate and control them I observe, I listen without judgment and I honor my emotions
My emotions cloud and distort my reality but now only for a short time And I’m in control again I’m no longer a mess of destruction and chaos
I’m not meant to be loved behind closed doors or only at night or kept as your little secret I’m not meant to be the mistress, the side chick or your on call whore I’m not meant to be devoured at your convenience in 2 hour increments I’m meant to be taken out in public in the daytime and introduced to your family and friends I’m meant to be part of your relationship status, your girlfriend, your partner in crime I’m meant to be paraded and exhibited everywhere but most of all I’m meant to be loved out loud
Easy E,Tupac, and Dr.Dre calmed me down when I was lost amidst a nervous breakdown I couldn’t remember who the fuck I was or where I came from then I blasted some Gangsta Rap in my ear and remembered who the fuck I was I’m a Queen from the land of the Incas raised in West L.A and Paradise I’m made to withstand earthquakes and hurricanes even when they come disguised as humans that’s when I turned my grief into anger and rage and knew I wouldn’t be “just okay” I would make this my greatest comeback in my life story
I was never the marrying kind Don’t know why I forced myself into that line Maybe because of society’s expectations I made marriage my destination But it wasn’t really who I ever was Forever is not meant to be in my book of love But still I tried for seven years And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear I felt trapped in a cage of my own making Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking But it was never truly me Living this suburban reality And one day I wanted to sleep forever My mind collapsed from society’s pressure to continue this facade of being the perfect wife With my perfectly imperfect life My authenticity I had to put aside I’m a wife and mother of three There’s no such thing as being free But these were the lies I told myself The critic in me I learned to quell I learned I could be a mother but not a wife My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride There would no more anniversaries We were done with self imposed forgeries And a new chapter started with us One full of laughter, friendship and familial love
Life on the BPD 