Mi corazón se rehúsa a dejarte no importa que duro lo intento no importa con quien estoy para escapar los pensamientos de ti es inmoral que te ame pero mi corazón es demasiado salvaje para escuchar logica y razon te quiere a ti y solo a ti
I’m constantly shunned from men who profess their love when I show up feral and without a filter They’ll call me their princess until I show them my wild They always love me beautiful and submissive and they leave when I get assertive and subversive They feel deceived when they fall for a polite princess And somehow end up with an amazon Queen Maybe it’s the Incan in me who can’t reign it in They say, “you’re too much, you’re too crazy” Is there a man out there who can handle my duality?
I’m 18 and walking across the football stadium to receive my diploma the one I almost didn’t get, my parents and I breathe a sigh of relief
I’m 24 and I hold my baby boy in my arms, it’s love at first sight he’s the best birthday present and I’m humbled
I’m 28 and I’m graduating from college,it’s been a an arduous journey to get here but I make it and my dad cries and tells me how proud he is of me
I’m 30 and holding my third baby boy, he’s my rainbow after the worst storm everyone in my family holds him and there is an overflow of love
I’m 36 and my oldest son is walking across the gymnasion to receive his diploma I cry with elation and pride, my heart is filled with pride and joy for him
I forgive myself at 15 for crying over an idiot who was never worth my time and energy but he did spark my poetic voice
I forgive myself at 20 for writing more than 50 poems about a 6 week relationship in 2001 but it did make for some hilarious blog content in 2021
I forgive myself at 25 for not fighting harder for my dreams and for swallowing my anger and angst for the comfort of others but that year I became a playwright
I forgive myself at 30 for drowning the writer in me as I lost myself in my roles as wife and mother but that year I launched my blog
I forgive myself at 35 for swallowing a bottle of xanax because I felt like a failure as wife, mother, and worker but the dark poetry from that time is some of my best
I forgive myself at 40 for wanting to die for two weeks in July after being discarded by the “supposed” love of my life but that summer I found the confidence to call myself a writer
My heart sings when you’re near me, people tell me its infatuation that I fall too fast for the wrong men but they’re wrong, so wrong What I feel is love
Stuck in between Spanish and English is a bilingual nightmare constantly switching between languages gives me a lifelong jaqueca and at times I don’t get it right it’s switching between two identities Latina or American it gets hard and confusing at times but it’s who I am Hablo con mamá en Español I speak to my sons in English Hablo con los pacientes en Español I speak to my coworkers in English and to code switch parece una comedia I’m told that I’m fun and loud en Español pero soy profesional y reservada in English eventually I learn to meld my American and Latina personalities and I find my most authentic bilingual and bicultural identity
I am restless and unsettled realizing you never loved me I was just another girl to you nothing special, nothing meaningful just someone temporary to pass the time with I’m growing tired of this repetitive story Another love that expires when I ask for something more Another story that starts off with so much promise only to end up as another tragedy
I’m done apologizing for being too much or not enough I’ve always been enough I’m done apologizing for being crazy I’m God’s creation of a perfect imperfection I’m done apologizing for being too bland or too spicy I’m a perfect blend of whatever I want to be I’m done apologizing for being me!
siempre valía mucho más de lo que pensaba pero no sabía valorarme, no sabía amarme estaba desesperada por el amor de mis amantes y les deje que me trataran como una muñeca de trapo Pensaba que no era suficiente conformandome con lo peor No entendía que lo que necesitaba era un amor propio para sentirme completa y amada
Fighting for my cause I question everything I learned I take time to pause my childhood lies burn and make feel lost
Fighting for my family I get so fucking angry Why are people so shitty? insulting my ancestry- projecting their insecurities onto me- Wait, are they jealous of me?
Fighting for my life I pause of a while thinking about all of my strife and the past I need to reconcile to move forward with my life but this fight is worthwhile
Que hago perdiéndome en la fantasía de ti acaso es nuestra química que me ciega? o puede ser que tu en realidad eres mi alma gemela? qué importa que estes con otro abre tus ojos y veras que tu y yo debemos ser descarta de la otra para que podamos empezar a vivir nuestro cuento de amor
my real diagnosis should be “failure at love” childhood trauma gave me abandonment issues teenage trauma cemented it and added identity issues combined with chronic emptiness I couldn’t stand the constant void within so I chased love trying to fill it constantly sought out validation from men to stop feeling ugly and alone I’ve used them and they’ve used me as band aids for our mutual loneliness and when I start to feel sure of their love it suddenly disappears and all of my issues came back with force with suicidal ideation entwined And still I dusted myself off and tried my luck with love over and over again thinking each time it will be different except it never is they always tire of me and decide to leave and once again my insanity hits and I break Intrusive thoughts spiral in my head in an endless loop “’i’m a failure to love,i’m a failure at love, i’m a failure with love,i’m never enough, i’m worthless, death must be better than this” this was my tragic love story for 26 years but on year 26, I said “fuck this tragic love story” and I got the courage to change it I’m not a failure to love, I’m not a failure at love or I’m not a failure with love I’m enough by myself, I can be alone by myself and I turn into a success story of love