I’m finally free from the chains of love I felt truly a slave to it Thinking I needed it, thinking I wanted it But the truth is the only person I ever needed was me I never needed anyone else to care for me, to love me it’s always temporary until they leave Today marks my independence day from love’s heavy and terrible weight Because I am worth more than another fickle soul Who I always become too much for Because I deserve a sense of emotional stability After so many emotional scars caused by love
he watches her as she sleeps and the emotions she stirs up in him this was supposed to be a casual agreement where only each other’s primal needs got met she’s not easy or convenient she has way too many issues and yet here he is starting to love her
People say I shouldn’t give up on love and it’s really just my bad luck But how do I explain How love makes me insane It’s not the men I pick It’s really me, me, me I’ll become the version they want me to be thinking they’ll stay with me- behave, swallow my words, hide my anger, implode on myself in the privacy of my journal but keep my mask of sweet princess on- but this never last for long something always happens it’s just a matter of when when will I get tired of hiding who I am and start being erratic and crazy When will they get tired of my bullshit and decided to leave and almost always, this ends up as an emotional catastrophe for me so I’ve come up with a solution I’m going to make my newfound solitude a haven, a sanctuary to fall into give myself as much time as I need to enjoy the gift on my own company understanding that this isn’t an ending but rather a brand new beginning for me to write and edit my own unconventional love story
I believe in second and third chances because more often than not I’m the one who’s written off because more often than I’m left after the first time I fuck up because more often than I’m expected to be almost perfect and this weighs on me heavily but it’s my cruel reality so I’ll give a second, a third, even a 4th chance because I believe people can change because I accept people for the humans they are because even if my benevolence burns me at times at least I don’t commit an emotional crime cause judgment without compassion makes one an inhumane and callous robot
I wonder where all of my money goes but then I go home to the bottomless pits that are my kids and then I go upstairs to my bedroom where my closet is exploding with clothes and then I look under bed full of shoes and then I go downstairs to my record player and looks at my various vinyls and we won’t even talk about my newly acquired furniture from Amazon now I understand my money goes to my busy life and my BPD spending impulsivity
My heart blooms like a flower in the spring taking in the beauty of everything I’m no longer so angry and feel a freedom to just be I take things in stride and no longer feel the need to fight Is this what healing looks like?
Hope lies in the next minute, the next hour, the next day,the next week Hope makes us believe there is something to look forward to even in our darkest hour Hope gives us the strength to continue on when we don’t want to
Faith found me one day and told me to keep going when I didn’t want to Faith made me believe in GOD when I wanted to fall into the abyss of depression Faith held me as I cried endless tears of my about my latest life’s catastrophe Faith loved me when I couldn’t love myself Faith brought me people who believed in me When I couldn’t believe in myself Faith decided to one day bring it’s accomplice HOPE
Your false love swallowed me into an ocean of oblivion and I almost drowned You consumed my mind with anxious thoughts of whether or not I mattered to you And thoughts of death visited me when you ignored me Feelings of worthlessness and emptiness threatened my wretched existence over and over again because of your inconsistent love But one day, I was enough by myself I didn’t need your pseudo love So I’m banishing you to the land of past lovers who never deserved the magic of my love
I feel raw with emotions It’s like someone has ripped off the scab of an almost healed heart and it’s bleeding once again And while this time it’s not pulsating with anger and rage it still hurts like a small paper cut you can’t see but it’s still there
I wish I could be perfect to everyone in my life, the perfect mom, the perfect coparent, the perfect mistress but the pressure gets too loud within me And I need to get away from how I want to be perceived I’ll never be the perfect anything I’m never be June Cleaver or the perfect dream girl I can only be authentically and imperfect me And maybe me and everyone in my life need to accept that’s the best I can be
My diagnosis doesn’t define me, It empowers me, it makes sense of my nonsense I’m not crazy or chaotic or even hard to love I’m a dream come true wrapped up in complexity sure at times I feel like a nightmare But don’t all of us get rough at times So whoever gets scared and runs away from me Sorry not sorry, I’m too much and you’re just not enough
I saw a cross written in the sky and I wondered, “Is that you God? Is that your sign that I shouldn’t lose faith or hope and I need to keep going,to keep living? Is that you God ? Telling me everything will be fine and one day peace will be mine
I wrote this in March of 2022 for World Bipolar Day.
I wear the stigma of a bipolar diagnosis and hide this big secret This secret has been a part of me since my teens This secret explains my sometimes uncontrollable insanity This secret at times robs me of my sleep This secret has taken me on many fun and lustful adventures This secret makes me write, write, write so I don’t want to die, die, die I keep this secret and take medication for it But one day, I’ll scream out loud my mental health truth I’m bipolar 2 I’m not enough to ruin your life but just enough to fuck it up a little at a time