I wrote this in September of 2001, probably about a one night stand. It’s amazing how great sex fucks with my brain. Lol.
I saw myself last night
In a sea of the most passionate lovemaking
of my life
It was like your body
Knew me like an old friend
Even though we just met
2 nights ago
I wrote this on January 1st, 2003 about this dude that I hooked up with a week prior. I was upset about John and of course wanted to escape from my feelings of rejection. So I started once again seeking validation from men and ended up hooking up with some guy from the bar.
The night I met you
I was drunk and blue
Because of that impossible love
Who said I wasn’t good enough
So I decided to drink my pain away
and then you came my way
With your charming and smooth manner
I should’ve known you were a player
But you told me everything
That I wanted to believe in
How you had never met anyone like me
And that you wanted us to be
It sound almost too good to be true
But i was feeling lonely too
So i decided to give in to you
Afterwards you promised to call
But instead you went awol
And many days later I sit here
In a river of foolish tears
Wondering why why why
I always fall for the same false lines
I wrote this in 2019 when I was reflecting about the way men have often objectified in a way that they almost always seem to just want the fun and sexy part of me but seem to often have problems seeing the rest of me. I’ve almost always felt like I’ve been good enough to be their lover but never good enough to be introduced to their mother. Do I still feel this way? I honestly don’t know. I like the attention and validation I get from men because of my looks but sometimes it feels so hollow.
Tell me I’m pretty, tell me I’m sexy
Tell me I’m beautiful
Objectify me, fuck me,
Forget about me
Try to come back to me
And when I deny
your lust filled request,
Put me down, threaten me
Try to hurt me-
Your words mean nothing to me
You’re not the first
But will be the last
Who tries to destroy me
You’re not the first
But will be the last
Who treats me like a doll
to fuck at your convenience
You’re not the first
But will be the last
That tells me I’m not good enough
Tell me you miss, tell me you want me
Tell me you’re sorry
Be persistent in your quest
In trying to get me in your bed
with empty promises
about how this time it will be different
Sorry to my past, my present, and
I am pass being the girl
that’s just used for fun-
I am pass being the lover
you never introduce to your mother
I’d rather live in a world
of solitude and calm
than to once again fall
into the objectification trap
I wrote this in April 2002 after sleeping with Lucas for the first time. This situation was fucked up and crazy for many reasons but that’s another story time blog post. Let’s just say that I’m not great at making the best life choices at times.
I finally fucked
the forbidden married man
It was good, it was great
it was wonderful
It was a heaven full of ecstasy
It was dirty, it was shameful
it was ugly
It was a hell full of guilt
Me and Valentine’s Day have a history – well a sordid kind of history full of trauma and drama. Since I can remember I’ve always wanted a Valentine Day where I had the perfect day with my special someone. To me that would feel like a hallmark movie. This hallmark movie would include chocolate, flowers, lots of hand holding and kissing in, romantic dinner and a grand romantic gesture from my partner. The gesture would be so thoughtful, it would make me tear up with happiness. Yes, my expectations were high on this day but hey don’t blame me – I grew up on 90s rom coms and Telenovelas. Let’s talk about my history with this day.
At 14, I was super hyped about this day because I finally had a special someone to celebrate this day with, my first boyfriend, Jude. We went to the Valentine’s Day Dance at the school where we slow danced to the most romantic 90’s songs. Picture Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey playing in the background as I feel myself falling in love. Jude even bought me a rose and unexpectedly gave me this nice sterling silver bracelet and I teared up. I felt like wow, this is so romantic and magical, is this real? Is this too good to be true? Well, ha-ha it was. A week later he broke up with me around my birthday because he realized we were better off as friends. Also, he needed the bracelet back, it has been his mom’s that he had stolen to give it to me. It would be my first taste of drama and trauma surrounding this holiday.
In my late teens and early 20s I was always single on Valentine’s Day. Because of that I would get salty as all my partnered coworkers would get flowers delivered to their office or talked about their stupid romantic plans. One day me and my close friend/coworker Mary- said fuck it, we’ll be each other’s valentine. We’ll send flowers to each other and go out to lunch. It was a great Valentine’s Day that year. We had our own kind of Galantine’s before Leslie Knope made it a thing.
After that, I was with my co-parent/roommate, and this is what I wrote about that day in 2014:
“Valentine’s Day is a waste of a day for older married couples with kids. I suppose that sounds slightly bitter and biased based on my own experiences. I don’t ever remember my parents celebrating Valentine’s Day and they’re still married. So much importance and consumerism is given to this particular day it makes one wonder -how did we as a society eat up all the hype concerning this particular holiday and regurgitated it with “oh so much love, kindness, flowers, chocolates, cards, etc.” The world would be a much better place if love and kindness was practiced more often. It could be part of the new movement called “love and kindness” awareness and it could be marketed with T shirts, pins, and don’t forget the Bumper Stickers” Somehow I think this already happens with the movement “make America kind again” after the last brutal election. Anything can be marketed and consumable by the masses if it makes them feel good about themselves. And that’s why Valentine’s Day is still such a big deal. People that celebrate “their love” can now prove their awesome love by snapchatting or instagraming that shit. Valentine’s Day is just another symptom of the curse of consumerism. `
I was obviously very bitter and jaded when I wrote this. To be fair to my coparent/ roommate, he did try his best some years to fulfill my unrealistic expectations of the day and well- he couldn’t. I do have to mention that one day-I was pleasantly surprised that he bought me a coach perfume, I mentioned wanting it as a joke. I didn’t think he would get it for me, but he did.
In 2018 we opened our marriage and started hooking up/dating dudes. I was also going through a period where my hypersexuality was very intense. I was at a social event drunk, and I got the bright idea that I needed to hook up with someone, anyone that night. So, I met this random dude at the hotel room. I met him from an app, and he had no pictures-and that was for good reason. Ugh, he wasn’t attractive at all, but I was drunk, wanted to have sex, and I was too cute to be alone on Valentine’s Day. Drunk me + hypersexuality +God Complex =no standards for hooking up. Anyways me and this guy have incredibly hot sex and he’s talking dirty. This is all normal except then he starts saying weird things like “I could picture spending my life with you” or “I can see us really falling in love” as he’s ramming me every which way. I don’t want to ruin the mood, so I just figure its weird kink and go with it. I don’t want to ruin the mood and figure, maybe this dude is just lonely or whatever. So, after we have this hot sex, we both go our separate ways. I don’t expect to hear from him. Well, the next day, he blows up my phone wanting to hook up again and I respond telling him “No, it was a onetime thing”. He responds, “we had good chemistry and I’m falling in love with you”. I responded, “I’m not looking for anything like that”. After that what follows are texts, slut shaming with every name in the book “whore, bitch, slut, while also trying to convince me that according to him “we could be so good together”:” I do call him out on his misogyny, but he doesn’t want to hear and says he doesn’t care and continues to insult me while trying to convince me to see him. I’m confused and think “wow, this happened to me as a consequence of my own actions, maybe I deserve it, Idk”. I do proceed to block him. It could have been a nice memory of hot sex of Valentine’s Day but once again it’s marked by trauma and drama. Will I ever have a nice Valentine’s Day? I just want to feel loved and be loved on that day? Why is it so hard?
Fast forward to last year, when I was in love with my recent ex, the second Andrew. That year I had all of the ingredients for my hallmark movie like Valentine’s Day, right? We celebrated V-day on Feb.13, the Saturday before it because of my hectic work schedule. It was really close to perfect. There was good food, wine, butterflies in both of our stomachs cause we’re in love, and dancing. He even makes a grand and thoughtful gesture and I’m so touched I’m almost moved to tears. This is my Hallmark real life movie. Fucking finally, right? I’m so happy and I feel so loved, I share that happiness out in the world with a tweet. Now my relationship with the second Andrew is polyamorous so I’m careful that I don’t tag him and make sure his other partner Sharon is not following me on twitter. I don’t want to hurt any feelings. I ‘m just so grateful to feel loved and be loved by this wonderful man, it’s important for me to share it out there in the world. Among everything crazy and chaotic in my life, I have this perfect memory of love. It’s almost too good to be true right, and it was, a few days later, I hear from him how Sharon’s feelings were hurt by my tweet. I told him about how I made sure that she didn’t see my tweet, but he tells me I’m accountable because my twitter is public. So, to smooth things over, I felt forced apologized for tweeting out my fucking happiness. It was great (insert sarcasm). I remember afterwards feeling this incredible sense of shame and guilt for Sharon’s feelings being hurt by my tweet and at the time I wrote in my journal, “maybe we should break up so she can have him all to herself, I don’t have the time or energy to fight for a man”. I didn’t of course but maybe I was starting to see the cracks in my relationship with the second Andrew. There is a lot more to this story about the second Andrew, but that content will be shared much later this year or next year. I could say that I wish I hadn’t been informed about Sharon’s feelings, but I’ve learned to accept that it happened, and it is what it is. It was just annoying that it was once again another Valentine’s Day followed by drama and trauma.
This year, I decided to flip the switch and rather than feeling sorry or pity for myself to for
being alone; I’m turning this day which is traumatic into a triumphant one. I have declared it my self love day where I’m my own Valentine. I’ve made it so that the only one that can ruin the day is me. Lol. My plan is to take the day off and do the following:
- Wake and exercise.
- Buy myself flowers.
- Watch an episode or two of “You” because I need some time with my king (Joe Goldberg).
- Listen to the Queens on vinyl and write.
- Drink wine and eat tacos while I watch “Kill Bill ” and other violent movies.
- Do all this while I wear my red lingerie and take gratuitous selfies for some sexy self-care later. Wink, wink.
It looks like I’m finally getting my own romantic movie starring myself after 25 years. Except we won’t call it a Hallmark movie, it’s more of an Indie film. I will post an update on how it all went on next Valentine’s Day.
I wrote this in November of 2002. November was such a chaotic month that year that I don’t remember who wrote this about. I think it was probably a one night stand that I had a connection with. It’s obvious that I read way too much into the situation than I should have.
My mind tries to forget
Everything that happened last night
But my heart puts up a fight
My mind tells me it’s wrong and a mistake
But my heart yells that it wasn’t just sex
But it was also fate
My mind considers it a lost cause
but my heart finds a love feeling once lost
For the thirsty Thursday before Valentine’s Day, I have a sexy playlist for y’all. I’m a very sensual person which should be obvious from reading my blog. I’ve have had different types of sex from one night stands to FWBs to bdsm partners to longterm romantic partners. I’m not in any way ashamed of my sexual adventures. I’m actually proud of my versatility in my sexual adventures that I’ve had for more than 2 decades. It’s one of the perks of my BPD, my hypersexuality. The way I see it, when I get to be an old woman in my 90’s I won’t regret looking back on my life wishing I had tried a certain sexual experience because chances are I’ve probably tried it. Now, have I been slut shamed and judged for my adventurous sex life? Oh yeah, I’ve been slut shamed many, many times since I started having sex and as recently as last year. I could write more about slut shaming but that’s another blog post. Sex for me is one of the best things in life. And I’m not just talking with a partner;I’m also talking about sexy self love with your plastic boyfriend from Amazon (aka your vibrator) and a fantasy in mind. This playlist can be played while you’re fucking or making love to your partner or masturbating. It could be played whether you feel like a sensual princess or a seductive Queen.In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…not everybody does it but everybody should”. Also, as someone that works for Public Health, I will tell you to get tested for STI/HIV on a regular basis if you are sexually active and always, always use protection.
The ones in bold really get me going:
Dress -Taylor Swift
Need You Tonight-INXS
Earned It -The Weekend
I Touch Myself -Divinyls
Come and Talk to Me-Jodeci
Any Time, Any Place- Janet Jackson
Doin’ It-LL Cool J
God is a woman-Ariana Grande
Good For You-Selena Gomez
I’ll Make Love To You-Boyz II Men
Lights Down Low-MAX
Red Light Special-TLC
Sexual Healing-Marvin Gaye
I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd
Leave The Door Open-Bruno Mars
I Want Your Sex-George Michael
Like a Prayer- Madonna
Freak Like Me-Adina Howard
WAP-Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion
Love You Down-Ready For The Word
Below are the links for your listening pleasure:
I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.
After making love to him
I lie awake in his arms
And the only thought
that crosses thru my mind
is that “I want to stay here
With you my love”
But even wishing something like that
Would be violated by our complicated lives
And maybe even regretful sacrifices
So I lie in bed in a life
that is anything but the truth
and wonder to myself
If to you,
I will ever be worth more
Than just your special friend
In April, my parents leave the country and I do what most responsible 20 year old single moms do when they have the house to themselves- throw a party for me and my coworkers. It wasn’t a huge party and to be honest it was kind of lame. Lucas and Paula are there and we drink,hang out and talk.
Lucas eventually leaves the party and Paula cries to me about how upset she is that she can’t really have a true relationship with Lucas.It was a weird and awkward situation for me to be in considering my feelings for Lucas.
Around this time, Ron comes and spends a weekend with me and my son. I notice that he tries to discipline my son and yells at him and complains about how bratty son is. This does not sit well at all with me and I start to grow distant from him. I know that I need to break up with him but I procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate on this.
Around mid April, my son gets sick with pink eye and strep throat and I do as well and stay home a few days. On one of those days, Lucas comes by to spend the evening since his wife is out of town. He comes with food and alcohol. We spend a few hours watching TV with my son and eventually my son goes to sleep in the back bedroom. We start drinking and put on some music. Our soundtrack was Matchbox 20, 3 Doors Down, Hoobastank , Linkin Park , Shakira ,and of course Nickelback, Below is a playlist of the songs that “we fell in love to”:
We start dancing and there is so much chemistry and we kiss. One thing leads to another and we have sex in one of the bedrooms. It feels like this is a surreal dream and I feel like I’m really in love AGAIN. I’m in disbelief that I could fall in love again. In fact, I’m so in love that I’ll overlook the fact that 1) he’s married with no plans of leaving his wife 2) he’s still sleeping with my close friend Paula and of course 3) I’m still dating Ron. However, none of this matters to me because I think that eventually our special and unique love will conquer all because like duh…that’s what happens in romantic movies and telenovelas. Looking back on this, I think that most likely I had undiagnosed BPD based on the choices I was making. I mean, I even come up with nicknames for both of us based on the Brazilian telenovela, “El Clon”- He’s Lucas and I’m Jade. Here is a clip from that meeting that I felt captured the magic of our first meeting:
So after having sex, we start a whatevership that’s mostly phone calls and long ass emails where I vent to him about Ron and he offers advice. We also come up with more corny nicknames like Superman and Superchick. I cringe right now as I’m typing this but I’m trying my best to not judge my 21 year old self.
In the middle of May, I not only get more distant with Ron but I eventually ghost him for weeks. I was in love with Lucas but still felt a deal of shame and guilt about the whole situation. However, I couldn’t stay away from Lucas because I LOVE HIM and nothing else should MATTER, right? I’ll admit it, I was downright obsessed. And he fed into my “fire of love” with his emails and sweet words of love. Below is an excerpt from one of his emails:
At one point, I started to write a book about “us” because I feel like this is the GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER! Nothing compares to our “forbidden love”. I’m actually laughing right now as to how absurd it all feels. Like, wow, this was my real life 20 years ago. Then again, I do go on to repeat similar unhealthy patterns almost 20 years later so there’s that. After numerous emails from Ron asking me where I am, I decide to finally break up with Ron. I do it the worst possible way which was via email. I actually tell the story of how that all went dowin later on this month through poetry about how I processed it and endured Ron’s rightful wrath. Yes, Ron may have been emotionally abusive at times but he still deserved more than an email. After this, I vent to Lucas about it and this was his response:
In late June ,me and Lucas start to fizzle out and the emails are fewer and shorter. I process this through salty poetry and of course drinking and finding my next victim, Damon.
Eventually Lucas tells me he’s going to work things out with his wife and the emails stop. I accept it but it’s still hard for me to process but I find my next victim, Damon. Damon is there to catch me. He’s a new start for me, not exactly the start I want, but an escape from the feelings of worthlessness and abandonment I was feeling. That time was intense for me. I broke someone’s heart and had my heart broken at the same time while getting into a new relationship. It’s chaos, but hey that’s life on the BPD. As I’m at the end of this story, I never imagined that this is how I would tell this story. In my mind, this story has always been larger than life. I do want to add that I did run into Lucas a few years later when I’m working at Target and a few years after that I ran into his marriage announcement in the local newspaper and yes, I wrote a poem about that too.
Looking back, I don’t judge anyone in this story. I think that we were all just doing our best to find love. And of course, at times, even our best looks shitty. Also looking back on the emails and my journal entries from that time period , I see how these unhealthy patterns in relationships have presented in my life over and over again as recently as this past year. It almost makes me want to stay alone forever to be honest because it sucks to keep repeating this story over and over again. However after almost 6 months of therapy, I’m learning to not judge my past self because she was just doing the best with the information she had at the time. Still, I think it will be a long time before I think about dating.
I wrote this in September of 2001, I guess I was frustrated with dating because it sucked getting stuck in relationships I had no business being in. Half the time, I did it to not be lonely but then I found myself miserable.
A Liberal Kind of Love
Holding hands and kisses
on the cheeks is
what we are no longer about
Hot and sweaty bodies
fucking with a goodbye
note in the morning
is now our nature
Respect, honesty, and trust
are long forgotten words
Deception, disillusionments and selfishness
are now our sacred words
I wrote this about my ex Juan in the year 2000.Juan was an interesting character. I met him in October of 1999 while I was working at a gas station. We dated from October to December. He was either super charismatic or I was super dumb. We had fun. Since we lived with our parents, we had to be creative as to where we would have sex. I remember one time we had sex at work during my shift on my boss’ desk. Lol. However, Juan also conned me out of almost $3000 I had saved up saying his family needed the money. I hated myself afterwards. I also cheated on him with Sam. Anyways, Juan ghosted me in December and tried to come back sometime around January or February of the next year. I agreed to meet him because I was interested in getting my money back. Well, I got in his car and while he was driving around my neighborhood, he kept trying to put his hand in between my legs. I kept pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop and kept getting more aggressive. Idk how but eventually I gathered my strength and anger and elbowed him in the crotch and managed to get out of the moving car. I never heard from him again. I should have been traumatized from that incident but I wasn’t. I think that while I was in the car with him, I was more pissed than scared of him. Looking back at this incident, it feels crazy that this didn’t affect me.
My dear amor
How can I tell you?
That I no longer love you
How can I hurt you?
By saying that all of the extraordinary feeling I once felt
have gone and faded away from my heart and soul
It’s not that I’ve falling in love with someone new
It’s just that our special bond has been broken in two
When you use to kiss me I used to think I was in heaven
Now I just feel empty
So sorry to say, but baby you’re fired
I wrote this in 1997 after a really strange situation after a hookup. So I hooked up with this guy I met off the internet and he was 19 and in the Air Force. Well it turned out that his girlfriend (a freshman) went to the high school I went to and she found out and confronted me about it. I had so many feelings of shame and guilt. Looking back on it, this dude was a predator dating/hooking up high school girls. Ick!
You thought it would be fun
To use me as a hit and run
Thought you would never see me again
You thought it was great
Just to use me to mate
Thought you wouldn’t hurt anyone
You thought no one would find out
about our little love bout
Thought it would be fine
After you crossed that thin line
Between friendship and something more
Little would I know
How much it would hurt me so
To let you take me away
In your warm embrace
Little would I see
How bad you would be for me
to be led by your persuasion
into your lust filled creation
I wrote this in 2000 about Sam. He was my FWB for over year and of course I developed feelings for him. I also felt guilt and shame because I was the “other woman” during that entire time. I also kept sleeping with him even though I was suppose to be a few “monogamous” relationships during that time. Maybe that’s why I have trust issues. I know how shitty and dishonest people can be because I’ve been shitty and dishonest myself. I also have this habit for falling for people I have no business falling for.
My friend Sam
I like having you as my special friend
I like it when we get together
and we have wild and crazy sex
You make me feel better than when I’m with him
I suppose that it’s because it’s just sex
The more I’m with you, the more i look into that beautiful ocean
I call your eyes, the more I hear the achy familiar sound of your voice when you answer the phone,the more tender kisses you give me all over, I’m falling in a dangerous
Situation here, the lust that I’m suppose to be feeling for you is now falling into this deeper emotion called love
I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t supposed to happen
I know that you belong to another and I know she’s the one you love
and to you I’m nothing more than a warm body to warm you up at your convenience
This is why I have to leave you my special friend Sam
I can’t stand hearing your heys of feeling your tender kisses all over my body and just tonight I’m all yours but tomorrow forget I ever existed in your life
With this my friend
I say goodbye and I hope you live happily ever after with the love of your life
I wrote this in November of 1999 after I met Sam, this guy who ended up being my FWB for almost a year. We hooked up that first night in his car. He was honest about being in a relationship but Idk…I guess hormones took over. Lol.
I can’t stop thinking
About how our bodies started linking
Movie, dinner, a walk under the stars
I never thought our date would go so far
You told me you had someone in Miami
I knew you were suppose to be off limits to me
But once I felt your delicious kiss
I knew I could no longer resist
So I surrendered myself
To the lust I felt