Poetry: Another Pathetic Guy

I wrote this funny poem after a really bad date in 2001. I was obviously very salty at the time.

I write the same pathetic poem

  about another pathetic guy

From the first conversation 

  you didn’t seem to have an ounce of promise

  With your arrogant way of talking

but I decided to give you a chance anyways

But little would I know

  how you would try to make me feel

 Like some ignorant ho

Little would I know

I would enjoy your landlord’s company

  more than your own

Never had I seen 

  how arrogant somebody could be

Never had I felt 

  such repulse towards a male

Never will I see

  a future between you and me

Poesia: Te Amo

Escribí este poema después de que tuve una disolución desastrosa en el 2001. Soy bien dramática cuando una relación amorosa acaba.

Te Amo

Pero te odio

Te extraño

Pero me olvido

Te deseo

Pero tu amor es feo

Te quisiera tener aquí

Pero tu me haces sufrir

Te quisiera besar

Pero me mandas al fondo del mar

Te quiero conmigo

Pero tu eres frío 

Te guardo en mi corazón

Pero contigo pierdo la razón

Poetry: The Jungle Part 2

I wrote this about the PULSE club shooting in 2016.

Everyone claims prayers thoughts

For those they sprouted 

Hatred against (just a few days ago)

Only because of their untimely 

Deaths.

If they had gone 

On living -they would 

Have continued to be 

Hated by most–

Now they are loved 

And remembered and

Prayed for in the their death 

Because they are dead.

It’s too late for you

Prayers warriors, you

Religious zealots and

bigots , your prayers 

And love falls on 

Angry ears, ears of 

The victims families , ears 

Of their loved ones, ears

Of the LATINX,Puerto Rican, 

LGBTQ Community

People who weren’t  

Given two fucks about 

Or treated with hatred 

Because your Bible told 

You so. 

Story: The Ocean

List of pros I made when Mr.Toxic ghosted me in late 2019

I wrote this in the summer of 2019 when Mr.Toxic had once again ghosted me. I think so much of me was obsessed with him because of the chaos he brought into my life. Also, even though I hate to admit it, he brought so much inspiration to my life that I ended up writing over 50 pages of poetry/ mini stories about him. He was my muse for a while and I think I became addicted to him.

There once was a girl and she fell in love with the ocean. The ocean engulfed her with its salt smell, and the warmth of the water on late nights. The girl swam and swam, deeper and deeper into the ocean-loving it more each day. One day the ocean got tired of the girl and decided to make the biggest wave to throw her back to the land. When the girl woke on land, she was disoriented, confused, lost and hurt. She wondered if her late night swims had been a beautiful and hopeless dream. So a few weeks went by and the girl returned to her normal reality of her every day . She went through her normal routine even though her heart hurt-she slowly recovered from the crash of the ocean and just as she was almost to her normal self. The ocean decided to call her back again. At first, she couldn’t believe it-she thought her ears were deceiving her-but it was clear that the ocean wanted her to swim in it again-for whatever reason. The girl felt special and lucky and even though she was hesitant -she swam again in the ocean. This time -it was deeper and more intense. She felt at one with the ocean. She felt honored to learn all of its secrets and was completely enthralled by it. She was finally beginning to feel safe and so vulnerable she started to float and let the ocean carry her. All of a sudden the ocean got tired and threw her again-this time the crash was way more devastating . It felt like she couldn’t breathe at times. She knew that she should deal better since this had happened once before but this time she cried more than ever. She felt worthless and used in every sense of the word. She wondered what sin she had committed that the universe had handed her such unimaginable and tremendous pain. It was hard this time to get back to normalcy. It was hard for her to go about her day and not burst into tears because her poor heart would spasm when something brought back the memory of the ocean. And then the process repeated itself a few more times. It was more exhausting and devastating each time. It’s like she couldn’t learn and see how damaging the ocean was to her soul. Finally there was a time where it was so brutal the girl finally learned to tune out the ocean’s song and she never swam again. 

Poesia: Inocencia Perdida

Escribí este poema en 2006 cuando pensaba en mi juventud y como mi sensualidad siempre fue algo polémico y tabú.

Mi inocencia se perdió

 Cuando sentí esa rara sensación

No era las mariposas

  De las que todos hablaban

Si no–

El calor especial 

Entre mis piernas

Ese calor que yo 

Sentía al ver mi segundo novio

con apenas 16 anos

Mi sensualidad

Se me escapaba 

 de mis manos virtudes

Que diablos importa la inocencia, 

  Cuando el calor de los dos nos llevaba

   a un placer ilimitado!

Playlist: For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry)

This playlist that I will share is titled: “For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry). I don’t handle breakups very well. Actually, I handle them poorly and go kind of nuts. Music helps me cope with the multitude of emotions I have. This playlist is the kind of playlist you play out loud in your car or at home with your headphones as you write mediocre and sad poetry. This playlist is based on the disastrous and heart wrenching breakups I’ve had throughout my life. These are songs I go to when I’m feeling numb or the waves of sadness come. I’ve put in bold the ones that I like to put on repeat.

1.Wrong Direction-Hailee Steinfeld

2.Someone You Loved-Lewis Capaldi

3.Rest Stop-Matchbox 20

4.Dangerously- Charlie Puth

5.Don’t Speak-No Doubt

6.Goodbye to You-Michelle Branch

7.Stone Cold- Demi Lovato

8.Lose You to Love Me-Selena Gomez

9.Too Much to Ask- Niall Horan

10.River of Tears- Alessia Cara

11.The Night We Met- Lord Huron

12.What a Time-Niall Horan with Julia Michaels

13.White Flag- Dido

14.Consequences- Camila Cabello

15.I Have Nothing-Whitney Houston

16.I’m Going Down-Mary J.Blige

17.It Must Have Been Love- Roxette

18.Another Sad Love Song- Toni Braxton

19.Hello- Adele

20.Breakdown- Mariah Carey

Below are links for your listening pleasure:

Childhood Memory: 1986

Me around the age of 5, shortly before immigrating to the States

I was standing on one side of a closed door and I heard a conversation that I will never forget. I remember being five years old and running such a high fever that my vision started to get blurry and I had a massive headache. I remember the loud whispering between my parents. My father wanted to take me to the hospital, my mother argued they couldn’t because it was too much money. It was something that my newly arrived immigrant family could not afford. I remember that was the first time I felt something extremely heavy within me. I didn’t know then what it was but it would be the first time of many times I would feel that guilt of being a burden to my parents. Eventually it would turn into a certain type of guilt that made me swallow words and feelings so I wouldn’t inconvenience anyone. I have carried this guilt within me throughout since I can remember.This is a quiet BPD trait. This trait would lead me to becoming a people pleaser later on in life. As I have gotten older, I’ve gotten more aware of this and have become more assertive in making my needs known and met. I’m still not where I want to be but at least I’m way better than I use to be.

Below are a couple of links about Quiet BPD:

https://themighty.com/2018/12/quiet-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-signs-child/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202107/what-is-quiet-bpd

Poesia: Una Vez Mas

Escribí este poema in 2019 después de que “el Toxico” que dejo una vez más. Estaba determinada a no volver a su lado, pero no fue así.

yo en 2019 determinada a no volver con el Toxico

Una vez mas 

Me dejaste en la peor oscuridad 

Sola y abandonada

Me encuentro con un rio de lagrimas

Que no quieren parar

  Y el dolor en mi corazón 

No me dejan dormir

Mi recuerdo de ti

Me fastidia mi ser

Una vez mas 

Me dejas con una infinidad 

De preguntas

¿Porque te fuiste?

¿Porque no me amas?

¿Porque me usaste?

Pero esta vez

Es la última vez

No puedo seguir 

En el infierno que 

Es la confusión 

De tu supuesto amor

Pero esta vez

Me valoro lo suficiente

Para parar la locura

De regresar a ti

Pero esta vez

Me acostumbre  

A vivir sin tus besos

Pero esta vez

Dejaste de existir para mi 

Here We Go Again: Delta Edition

So I’ve been in denial for the past few weeks. I haven’t been keeping up with the COVID numbers as I usually do and have been ignoring the news about this new Delta variant of COVID. Last year, COVID basically consumed most of my life since I was an essential worker for the Department of Public Health and Kroger. 

me in April 2020

It was basically an adrenaline rush that kept going strong with constant policy changes at both jobs until October/November  and there was peace and almost going back to normalcy until late December when the COVID vaccination phases started. During this time, this took a toll on the mental health of me and my fellow coworkers. There were times that were so dark for me, that I wondered on some mornings if it  would be the day I would be committed to the psych ward.

me in August 2020 on one of my worst mental health days

However, I was super fortunate to have support from friends and my then supportive partner during that awful time.  I was also seeing Mr.Toxic who was my pandemic buddy who I would freak out with every time something new happened with the virus. Up until a few weeks ago, things had basically gone back to normal at both my jobs. Masks were basically a thing of the past (well for us that are fully vaccinated) and I wasn’t getting any calls about Covid. 

Me in May of this year when Masks were no longer mandated at my second job

That changed this past week when once again the numbers are rocketing out of control with the Delta Variant. I also started getting calls again about Covid at my DPH job and once again masks have enforced for all employees at both of my jobs

August 2021-Here we go again

At this point I’m honestly anxious about quite a few things:

  1. How long before school goes remote? I’m particularly worried about my 10 year old who is a social butterfly and hates remote learning. Also, all of these constant changes and transitions from in person to online learning cannot be good for the kiddos. I imagine therapy will be needed at some point for some of these kids.
  2. I will be facing this COVID surge without the support of a romantic love interest this time around. I’m kind of anxious about how I will cope but then again I really have no choice in this matter. Idk. Then again, I am lucky in having a great support system with my friends and my family and now my therapist. I’m also more determined to turn to my set of healthier coping mechanisms (DBT, journaling, exercising , writing, etc.) which I hope helps me stay away  from my usual unhealthy coping mechanisms (alcohol,binge shopping, dating apps, etc). 
  3.  Will there ever come a point where COVID does become like the flu or will this stupid virus keep mutating and keep getting more contagious? Will we as a society ever get back to a sense of real normalcy?

It will be interesting to see how all of this will play out with the new surge. I hope that the new administration will be way more proactive than the previous one. I also hope that mental healthcare  ends up being more accessible to the general population because a lot of us will need it. 

Below is the link for the COVID related post from last year:

Poetry: Another Mate

I wrote this little gem of a cringy poem in 1996 when my ex boyfriend tried to get back with me when I was already in a relationship with another dude. Sad thing is that when I broke with the dude I was dating, I did go back to my ex and it was terrible. It would be a pattern of relationship choices that would follow into adulthood.

Me with a friend circa 1996

Why did you show up at such a bad time?

A time when I’m with someone  who might be the one?

Who is to me all the things you could never be

It’s not that I want to hurt you

But it’s that I don’t feel anything for you

I might’ve loved you before

  but I don’t feel the same anymore

And although you might get pissed

  I need to say this

I don’t love you anymore

   So there’s the door

So please if you really love me so

  You would just let me go

For it’s too late

  For I’ve found another mate

Poetry : I Hate to Whine

I wrote this poem in 2001 after a really horrible breakup with the second “S” who cheated on me with ex wife the entire time he was with me. Needless to say, I was super angry about this and being the 20 year old I was at that time included lots of cringy cliches in this poem. The upside to this that at least I didn’t go slash his tires. Lol.

me at age 20

I hate to whine

But I can’t get you out of my mind

It’s your lying, scoundrel face I see

and the pile of emptiness left in me

It’s the deep hurting pain

Why did you have to be so damn lame

I hate to whine 

but I was looking for a sign 

That you weren’t the old repetitive story

A hero who’s lost all his glory

That you were my true soul mate

Not someone who would fill me with hate

That you were the man of my dreams

Not the one who wears the crown of pathetic, loser king

I hate to whine 

But you literally wasted my time

I didn’t think you were this disgusting 2-face rat

Who was just full of a lot of crap

I didn’t think you were such a creep

And that I could feel heartache so deep

Poem: What is Said

I wrote this poem in 2002 when I was about to break up with this guy “R” that was kind of aggressive and mean to me throughout our relationship. He was also kind of a jerk to my toddler son at the time. Instead of ending things, I ended up cheating on him and eventually ghosting him at a time when he needed me the most. Needless to say, he was pissed and wrote me lots of hate filled emails in CAPS LOCK and colored ink. It was pretty intense. I felt horrible after that.

Me in 2002 with “R” except he’s cropped out of the picture

What do you say

when you fall out of love

with that special somebody?

How do you explain 

that they no longer have your heart?

What do you do

when you see the hurtful expression 

on their face?

As you tell him,

you’re no longer his to hold.

How can you live after

 causing so much pain?