Poetry: Bilingual

I wrote this in January of 2022.

me at work living that bilingual life

Stuck in between Spanish and English
is a bilingual nightmare
constantly switching between languages
gives me a lifelong jaqueca
and at times I don’t get it right
it’s switching between two identities
Latina or American
it gets hard and confusing at times
but it’s who I am
Hablo con mamá en Español
I speak to my sons in English
Hablo con los pacientes en Español
I speak to my coworkers in English
and to code switch parece una comedia
I’m told that I’m fun and loud en Español
pero soy profesional y reservada in English
eventually I learn to meld
my American and Latina personalities
and I find my most authentic
bilingual and bicultural identity

Poetry: The Ultimate Queen

I wrote this in December of 2021.

And those flames burn 🔥 😍

At 40, I feel like the ultimate Queen
after losing layers and layers of my princess skin
The broken princess I had to beat
to finally feel enough and complete
Friends and men full of duplicity
Have no place in my world of authenticity
I no longer wear my crown of guilt and shame
It caused me too much emotional pain
Instead I wear a crown of confidence and power
being true to myself is my superpower
Fuck anyone who thinks I’m too much or not enough
You assholes were never deserving of my love
I am the ultimate Queen
and I’m finally making myself seen

Poesia: Chingona Bilingue

Here is a link to the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/10/31/happy-halloween-whats-scarier-than-a-regular-bitch/

Cometiste un gran error
que me rompió en mil pedazos
antes estaba llena de ternura
ahora busco venganza
mis palabras se convertirán
en espadas aguda de furia
Gritando como tus mentiras
jodieron mi mente y mi vida
Me dices que debería olvidarlo todo
Cariño, debes acostumbrarte
tu y esa rompieron mi cordura
ahora deben enfrentar las consecuencias
Estuviste mal en traicionar a una chingona bilingüe
Te matare en español y en inglés

Poetry: Writer Identidad

I wrote this in 2008 in my creative writing class. I actually hated that class because I didn’t fit in. It’s a long story for a blog post at a later time.

 

I don’t want to be
a style ,a genre
a multicultural read
with scattered Spanish
in my text
that is interpreted
as Chica or Latina lit
-NO!-
I refuse to be a mere category
Or a trend or a fad
When there is a much bigger message
Than the stereotypes
people want to imply

 

Poetry: Sanity

I wrote this in January of 2018 when me and my starter husband had opened up our relationship. The person “B” who inspired this poem was the first guy I was with after this transition. It’d be the first of unstable whateverships/relationships from that year that would restart this unhealthy pattern. This poem is also a perfect example of my black and white thinking. I idealized my husband and devalued the other person. I also felt guilt and shame sleeping with someone else who wasn’t my husband even though we were in an open relationship.

me in 2018 around the time I wrote this poem

I’m disappointed once again -being here with you
You represent everything I thought I wanted
But-
You don’t compare to him
You make my body sing with kisses
but don’t sweep up the mess that I am
You give me pleasure
but can’t handle my pain
You are there to fuck me
but never to rescue me
SO I choose him
Who chooses to be there for me
When I chase for death in a bathtub or a bottle
Because while sex and lust feels good
When it’s happening
It doesn’t compare to the love
and support he’s provided in keeping me alive
So I say goodbye to a life
Full of lust filled fantasies
and accept the one and only who truly
cares for me

Poetry: The Elephant

I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression.

me around the time I wrote this poem.

The sun is shining 

Everything is green and bright

And yet winter feels eternal 

In my heart

The blackness that is my sadness

Seems to seep and ooze everywhere 

Inside of me 

Is this what true loneliness feels like?

Will I ever get rid of what feels like

  my forever depression?

Or do I just learn to live

 with the elephant that 

  lives on my chest?

That I try desperate not to awake

Writing, exercise, friends, tv-

Everything to keep it calm

But no matter what

The elephant always seems 

   To wake up

Poesia: El Amor y El Odio

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/?p=4784

Fue el destino cruel
hacerte cruzar la línea
Entre amor y odio
Fuistes una desperdicia de tiempo
Nunca sabras
lo bueno que pudimos ser
tu amor era solo una pantalla de humo
Hasta pensaba que teníamos
Para siempre
Quería creer que tu eras un amor verdadero
pero tu eras otro “lo que sea”
Y yo fui otra falda
No hay nada más que decir
es tiempo de olvidar todo lo que fuimos
o pudimos ser

Poesia: Otro Mas

For the English Version of this poem, click link below:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/19/poetry-i-thought/

Fuistes otro amor falso
otro lleno de perfidio
pretendiendo tener buenas intenciones
me causaste una desconfianza profunda

Espinas de odio crecieron en mi
aprendiendo que era otra falda más
fue una verdad difícil de tragar
Ahora gritaré todo mi miseria y rencor

Poesia: Orgullo

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/30/poetry-pride/

Nunca sabrás del dolor
Que sentí por tu abandono
nunca veras
las lagrimas que llore por ti
nunca descubrirás
como me llenaste con agonía

Porque soy demasiado orgullosa
para admitir que fui una babosa
Por que tengo demasiada dignidad
para estar llena de miseria por tu culpa
Por tengo demasiado respeto
Para convertirme en un desastre

Poesia: Lo Siento Por Ti

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/23/poetry-so-you/

Lo siento por ti
piensas que has ganado
pero serás otra mujer usada
crees que te ama
pero es una de sus mentiras
piensas que el es tu príncipe azul
pero tu dignidad parara en el suelo
tienes un canalla y mentiroso a tu lado
que te dejará con un mal sabor en tu boca
no digo esto porque te tengo envidia
es una advertencia
para que no acabes como mi
otra de sus muchas mujeres
que el trate como una muñeca de trapo

Poesia: Frases

Escribi este poema en el 2008 cuando estaba enfadada con mi esposo por que el no me daba mi lugar en frente de su familia. Su familia de el eran racistas conmigo.

Yo en el 2008 con mi segundo hijo

Frases incompletas

Salen de tu boca 

Por que tus palabras 

Son huecos sin hechos 

Miradas insolitas

Recibo de tu gentuza

Porque mi apariencia

No les agrada a ellos

Vidas deshechas

Por no querer contemplar

Que nuestro falso amar

Arruina todo por el miedo

A la soledad

Poetry: Small

I wrote this in 2007 when I transferred to a 4 year University. It was a rough experience.

me with my friends in 2007

I feel small in this enormous and elitist world
it doesn’t seem like I will ever fit
It only seems like a perfect fit
for my younger, blonder, whiter,
and younger counterparts
Older, hispanic, and poor is not acceptable here.
Should I even try ?
When I’m destined for failure on this institution’s steps
Failure on the steps is what I feel here-
a place where my browner, poorer self
feels like an outcast, an undesirable- by the eyes of prejudice

Poem: My Sleeping Poem **trigger warning**

I wrote this poem in December of 2016 after my almost love affair with death on December 5th. It’s strange how aside from my journal entries from that month, I hardly remember that month. I just remember feeling so broken inside and like a failure after that happened that it was so hard to get up every morning. I do know that writing saved me during that time because I started journaling way more consistently. I would learn years later after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder that up to 10 percent of people with BPD die by suicide. Five years later, I’m glad that I had people by my side that prevented me from becoming one in ten. I’m glad that afterwards, I was able to slowly come back from this even if I was mostly depressed the year after and it was a fight to get up every single day.

For more information about the high risk of BPD and Suicide, here is a link from Psychology Today with info about it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201512/the-destructive-power-borderline-personality-disorder

me and one of my best friends in December 2016

I wanted to sleep

Sleep beckoned me

Like a magical place

Where I could forget

Forget-

The burdens and responsibilities

Forget-

The performance reviews, the report cards, the bills

Forget- 

The husband, the kids, the friends

I wanted to sleep

So I planned my journey there

Call in sick, act natural,

Take the bottle of xanax

I wrote love letters 

To my children, my husband, and friends

Just in case I fell in a forever dream

I wanted to sleep

Selfishly, without interruptions 

I wanted to sleep

So I didn’t have to think 

About my mediocre and suburban reality

My lost dreams of greatness

My wastefulness on this earth

I wanted to sleep

But I was interrupted

By my husband shaking me

Halfway carrying me 

To the couch, forcing coffee

Down my throat

I wanted to sleep 

But I had to wake up

And endure the reality of life