Poetry: The Ultimate Queen

I wrote this in December of 2021.

And those flames burn 馃敟 馃槏

At 40, I feel like the ultimate Queen
after losing layers and layers of my princess skin
The broken princess I had to beat
to finally feel enough and complete
Friends and men full of duplicity
Have no place in my world of authenticity
I no longer wear my crown of guilt and shame
It caused me too much emotional pain
Instead I wear a crown of confidence and power
being true to myself is my superpower
Fuck anyone who thinks I鈥檓 too much or not enough
You assholes were never deserving of my love
I am the ultimate Queen
and I鈥檓 finally making myself seen

Poem: Depression

I wrote in December of 2012 when I was amidst a great depression.

So true-Life is hard

Recognizing the triggers of 

My depression is one of 

The hardest things I have to do

It鈥檚 when I鈥檓 silent

Wishing all the bad things 

Would go away

It鈥檚 when I stop listening 

To music 

It鈥檚 when I struggle 

To open my eyes 

And face another dreadful day

Poetry: Restless Spirits

I wrote this in 2010 when I got my first salaried job after college. I thought I was losing a part of my carefree identity. One of the BPD traits I have is this constant confusion and change in my identity. This is apparent in this poem.

I want to be torn by life

Restless spirits of the past

bother my feelings of the future

I鈥檓 slowly becoming the cliche

I never wanted to become

The right amount of kids 

Mr.Right and now the salaried job

The carefree single girl

 is forever almost gone

and became the adult woman

But still a tiny part of her

Holds on to a string 

Of hope, carefree hope

That her former self

Is not completely killed

By the new woman 

In the conservative clothes 

and family

Poetry:Traitor

Aqu铆 esta la versi贸n en Espa帽ol:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/08/08/poesia-desgraciado-2/


Perhaps I鈥檓 crazy,

Perhaps I鈥檓 dramatic 

But I must say

You鈥檙e a traitor

for what you did to me

Causing me so much  heartbreak

and misery

Pretending to 鈥渓ove me鈥

Behind your 鈥渘ice guy鈥 disguise

was really an asshole

who lured me with sweet lies

into a web of treachery

and infidelity

Poetry: A Poem for My Third Born

A Poem for My Third Born

You were the rainbow
That came after the most dreadful storm
You were wanted, you were planned
You were loved
You were everything
Anxiously, I waited for your arrival
Counting down the months, the weeks,
And eventually the days
Cautiously, I felt hope
With every flutter,
And every kick
You were a ninja
Determined to reassure
This worried mama that
You were okay-
And I glowed bright
From your inner light
And finally
The day came
I would get to meet
My newest love made creature
And with your birth
Life finally felt complete

My Youngest Son Circa 2012

IMG_1190

My son is 11 Me and my youngest on 6/26/22

Borderline Awareness Month: I Could be 1 in 10

Basically me most of last week

I knew I wanted to write a post for Borderline Personality Awareness month, but I didn鈥檛 know it would be this post-about having suicidal ideation once again. It鈥檚 hard to write about this since I haven鈥檛 been here since last summer. Here is a place where I want to do everything or anything to stop the intense emotional turmoil and pain, I鈥檓 in. Here is a place where I write dark poetry about ways to end it all. I mean my poetry got so dark; Sylvia Plath would have been proud of me. Here is a place where I cry multiple times a day and any little thing is a trigger, and my coworkers start asking me if I鈥檓 okay. Here is a place where it feels like none of the healthy coping mechanisms (writing, music, keeping busy, talking to friends, mindfulness, long walks in nature, etc.) are working and I started to wonder what the point of it all is. What鈥檚 worse about this happening this time around was that there was no tragedy or life changing circumstance to trigger these feelings of wanting to die. If I had to pinpoint the trigger of this major depressive episode, it was as simple as upping the dosage of my mood stabilizer. Now, I was already in a low mood since last week because my quality of sleep had gone to shit lately so last week, I asked my medical provider to up the dosage on my mood stabilizer that I take at night to sleep. I was also working an extra shift at my second job, so I was more tired than usual. 

My stubborn and determined ass making it work each day

On Monday night, I started on the new dosage and on Tuesday morning I woke in a state of extreme anger and agitation. I鈥檝e been here many times before but this time it felt different. Everything and everyone annoyed me to the point that I wrote some really mean and cruel poetry and played my ANGRY AF playlist on repeat. This was the alternative to what I really wanted to do, which was to punch walls or smash something to bits and pieces. I also imploded on myself and went into self-hate mode where I hated my brain chemistry, my BPD, and well basically myself. Being in this negative mindset felt like several steps backwards based on all the progress I鈥檝e made and that made me spiral even more. I cried at lunch that day. I went to my second job and felt fine after.

That anger tho

On Wednesday, I felt I was in a better mood and thought I was in control of my emotions. I even wrote a poem about how my therapist was so instrumental in helping me. Then the afternoon came, and I got a rejection email from a grant I applied for that really hit me straight in the gut. Once again, I was extremely angry and agitated. And I almost went into my 鈥淚鈥檓 going to be reactive AF鈥 mode. However, I was able to stop myself. I headed to my second job and cried on and off the first two hours of work while I was stocking. Luckily, I reached out to my friend 鈥淜鈥 through text and she was responsive. Also, I was closely working with my supervisor the latter part of the night so that kept my mind busy. I ended up going to sleep later than I鈥檓 used to and woke up on Thursday a complete and utter emotional mess. Because of the state I was in, I made the responsible decision not to drive that day, but I still went to work. For the first two hours at work, I cried, and I couldn鈥檛 do anything to stop it. My coworkers kept asking me if I was okay and I lied and said I had a raging headache. I鈥檓 not completely out to the whole office yet about my BPD or all my mental health issues. Maybe they bought the lie or maybe they didn鈥檛. Throughout the morning, I tried my best to practice mindfulness to calm down and it helped a little. Then I had a second cup of coffee and that did the trick because I was finally able to be coherent enough to chat with a couple of my coworkers. I want to think that my 鈥渕asking skills鈥 from the past really helped in making my coworkers not suspect how much of an emotional mess I was. I reached out to my friend 鈥淜鈥 once again and other friends and they were all responsive so that helped. And then lunchtime came, and the dark and intrusive thoughts came out in my poetry, and I cried a lot. I guess getting the worst of it out helped because my mood improved in the afternoon. I decided to clean up and organize my office. I made a list of tasks to occupy me at work for the next few days. I made a separate list of tasks I wanted to accomplish in my personal life. I also decided to do something kind for myself and signed up for swimming lessons since I never learned how to swim.聽 I went to my second job and that also kept me busy which helped me tremendously. On Friday, I woke up in a much better mood and drove to work. I felt this huge sense of relief, but I finally felt like I was back to what is now my normal optimistic and confident self. This sent me into a bit of euphoria that got me side eye from one of my coworkers. Lol. Okay, I know it鈥檚 kind of ridiculous for a middle-aged woman to get excited at the supermarket over cuatro leches cake and a sour patch energy drink but damn after a 3-day suicidal ideation episode, it鈥檚 the little things that count. I took the terrible experience as another way to learn about myself and maybe try more preventive measures next time I switched meds or upped a dosage.

Back to myself on Friday

聽I learned that my mental health was declining when I started listening to the same angry or sad song over and over again. I don鈥檛 know how many times I listened to 鈥淭hat鈥檚 Hilarious鈥 by Charlie Puth last week. I also learn that when I鈥檓 in the worst of it, I need to listen to the 鈥淔uck Love 鈥渁lbum by The Kid LAROI. Don鈥檛 ask me why, something in my brain finds his teenage angst and anger comforting. I also learned how I dissociate during these episodes. It was like a watching this train wreck of emotions take over my body and mind and not being able to do much about it. It was difficult and scary to experience. The best thing I did was keep going to work at both jobs no matter what. I feel like this kept me busy enough from spiraling even further. Also, planning something to look forward to like scheduling swimming lessons was extremely helpful. Reaching out to friends about how I was feeling bad and getting their love and encouragement helped me as well. And of course, understanding that the feelings of hopelessness and despair won鈥檛 last forever and honoring those feelings through journaling and writing poetry is important. For some reason, documenting what鈥檚 going on helps me process and get through an episode like this quicker. When I get into a major depressive episode that causes suicidal ideation, it gets scary and lonely. Having a diagnosis like borderline personality disorder makes me 1 in 10 people who could give in to that hopelessness and take action to take my own life. Even at my worst, there is a voice inside of me that is determined not to be that 1 in 10 because well, I鈥檓 too awesome to die. Also, if anything else, I don鈥檛 want to do that to my children and leave them with that trauma. I鈥檓 proud of how I handled this depressive episode. I listened to myself and used all the resources I had to get over it quicker. I remember that last year and the year before then, I had many of these episodes and would either try to drink it away or buy something from Amazon or do something self-destructive. I didn鈥檛 do that this time around. The fact that it鈥檚 been 10 months since this happened shows how much my mental health has improved. For anyone going through this, understand that you鈥檙e not alone and it鈥檚 okay to feel how you feel. The important thing is to keep going because even if it doesn鈥檛 feel like it at the time, there will always be something in life to look forward to or get excited about. It could be new food to taste or that new album from your favorite artist that鈥檚 about to come out, or even seeing a rainbow after it rains.聽

Find your happy 馃槉

Below are links for mental health resources:

Suicide Prevention Line:

Find a Therapist:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/georgia?gclid=CjwKCAjw7IeUBhBbEiwADhiEMcK17jQiGvlOptBOpmmcrZrblC_QKsu7vFMvZKGmhz31TnJ2GFb4QBoCyHwQAvD_BwE

DBT: Mindfulness

Understanding the Link between Borderline Personality Disorder and Suicide