not feeling romantic lately as my community is torn apart and cruelty is served to them by this administration with no end date as I watch Americaβs Gestapo treat my people as worse than animals but somehow Iβm suppose to block this all out and reply to your sext about all the ways I want you to ravage me
put me on a pedestal and watch how quickly I fall for saying no to you For standing up for myself for making myself heard Youβll cry foul and wonder, where did my dream girl go? but donβt you see- I wasnβt made for altars and pedestals I was made for thrones A throne where I know my worth A throne where Iβm valued A throne where Iβm appreciated as a whole person and not just seen as an object as affection and masturbation So quit seeing me as a saint or angel and understand Iβm a chaotic queen
womenβs empowerment is sold and neatly packaged with sabrina carpenterβs new album always the heroine for this consumerist society even if the intentions feel a bit icky, feel a bit 1950s, with a man pulling her hair like a bitch giving off sub energy that feeds into the handmaiden narrative of America is trying to write for women and with the shitstorm of the past 2 weeks, I donβt feel sane enough to form an opinion yet, except that this feels like a weirdly perverse distraction from the rise of fascism taking place in our country
Once again Iβm thrown off the pedestal for standing up for myself for wanting respect Iβm accused of being a stranger and crazy My response is : I did warn you, I did tell you I have no space in my life for you, I was never looking for romance I never asked for your love, and now iβm the villain and youβre another victim a victim whoΒ love bombed me over and over again a victim who harassed me with unsolicited dick videos and pics who never asked for my consent and forced himself into my world Sorry for not being the girl of your dreams but Iβm also sorry for any ounce of my energy I was pressured to invest in you maybe now youβll leave me alone and maybe even one day, youβll learn to ask for consent and perhaps even learn to treat women with respect
a feeling of desire for you, anticipating our next kiss, anticipating the first time you make me yours and I almost die from our mutual pleasure anticipating the first time weβre somewhere where you make me coffee and those 3 little words I havenβt heard in a long time slip out of your mouth
consent is honesty and respect it doesnβt matter how many time Iβve kissed you It doesnβt matter how many times Iβve slept with you Always ask me if Iβm okay with whatever you wanna do Instead of pressuring me, instead of harassing me with your supposed admiration for me with your stupid pet names for me Iβm not dear, hottie, beautiful, girl or princess Call me by my god given name and maybe then I would take you seriously instead of ignoring you, pretending youβre a mosquito Impossible to get rid off
I try to banish the clouds of doubts and insecurities in me everytime Iβm in love, I get like this everytime I start to feel comfortable in a new sanctuary I start to question if iβm worthy, if iβm deserving is it possible that really, Iβm the problem and the one who sabotages everything
Cover me with a blanket of lies and tell me you love me tell me Iβm the only one for you and false promises about youβll never leave and how youβre not like the other guys Love me at your convenience, love me when Iβm easy Iβll believe the fantasy and play my role of the perfect and polite princess until one day, I grow out of my role and explode and Iβll discover once again youβre like everyone else who can only stand me for a short while and accuse me of being a crazy bitch and leave
putting in bold letters I support ICE in your facebook profile pic I quickly unfriended yours and your husbandβs joint facebook account the one created after he stepped out on you and karma was served to you for being a homewrecker several years ago the one created to keep tabs on him so he wouldnβt do it again and as I write this, I almost laugh hysterically because of course it makes sense that you support Trump, ICE, and everyone who wants to destroy and rips rights away from everyone whoβs not white and straight After all, didnβt you yourself tear a family apart? so it makes perfect sense also I always wondered who the other woman was from your hateful vitriol of immigrants and latinas she must be one hell of a Latina who almost took your man
Iβll leave an emotional stain on your life that will be hard to get rid of Youβll curse the day I was born Youβll regret the day you ever meet me because I demand respect, because Iβll never be your safe place because Iβll say βnoβ to being relegated to the role of mistress and youβll accuse me of being crazy and narcissist just because I wanted to be treated with dignity just because I want to be seen as more than another girl to pass the time with
going from βpeople watchingβ energy to βJunoβ energy is not for the weak itβs accepting that finally your time has come and your turn is here despite your many attempts to build an impenetrable wall no one can get through someone was brave enough to get to know you, to claim you as theirs and while there is still a jaded part of you that attempts to not make much of this because at the end they all leave the romantic in you wins and you fall like alice into the wonderland of love
once my boundaries are crossed, I CUT YOU OUT LIKE TAGS ON MY CLOTHING (like the great Conan Gray said)
itβs not romance, itβs harassment placing me on your dream girl altar and telling me about your boner Even after IΒ told you no But then you still threw me your delusional love and when I was honest right away and I told you βIβm sorry but noβ somehow now Iβm a crazy bitch, a stranger whoβs letting her mental illness talk for her after calling out your misogynistic behavior All I said was no to you and the insults come on cue I warned you, didnβt I and now foul, you cry I told you I wasnβt ready for what you had to offer but you kept playing the part of my great admirer and maybe Iβm fucked up in the head but your fantasies I needed to behead I needed to keep myself safe from men like you who try to bully me into loving them into giving in because your endless attention and compliments havenβt you read my story? Iβm not no longer a woman who bends and bends to manβs thirst for me
my rage comes in like a bright orange burst and it explodes in social media posts, my notebooks, and journal itβs my inner child scared and anxious who feels threatened and take it upon herself to call on middle age me to defend her, to protect her from the cruelty and abuse happening in front of her so many families like mine torn apart so many immigrant children like me many years ago crying for their parents not understanding why this is happening and I feel the heavy weight of impotence not knowing how I can help or what to do to stop all of this needless pain and suffering happening in front of me and all I see is a bright orange burst of rage ready to punch walls because my empathetic and soft heart feels the cries, the whimpers, the screams of the parents and kids whose only crime was to leave their country in search for a better life
Iβve walked through the warzone of my love life long enough to know when a bomb is about to explode (when I fall of some guyβs dream girl altar) It’s a minefield full of suppressed feelings consequences of accommodating to a manβs ego And Iβll tread ever so carefully I donβt want to be alone, I just want to be loved, Iβll bend and bend until you call me Gumby Except Iβm not and then Iβll snap and another bomb will go off βYouβre crazy,β youβre dangerousβ β I donβt recognize youβ all for expressing my feelings and wanting respect and dignity