my pleas for love fall on the deaf ears of the universe I scoff and get angry with her Wondering what’s left to heal what’s left for closure what’s wrong with me that I need to fix in order to attract someone to love for the crazy, creative and complex woman that I am
me manifesting that one day I’ll be holding a book with my stories
middle age me is not seeking revenge on all who caused me trauma I’m simply trying to make sense of the fuckery that happened to me I’m simply trying to address the unhealed trauma that still lies within me and haunts me in my dreams I’m trying to process and understand that I never deserved any of it I’m trying to get rid of that shame and guilt I’ve carried from it and while sometimes that looks vindictive I’m sorry but the only way to my journey in healing work is through uninhibited storytelling
the empty wineglass sits at the edge of the coffee table after I’ve written another poem about you it needs to be refilled so my mind gets tired of being inspired by the memory of you
I’d never say I lost time with any of my love stories- they all taught me something about myself They all inspired me to write poetry and two of them help me create my three kings even if some of my love stories left me decimated and almost destroyed me they were all worthy for the love I felt the growth and progress I had
next valentine’s day I want to be calm especially if I’m still alone I want my nervous system to be ultra regulated and not the mess it currently is
next valentine’s day I don’t want to entertain vengeful fantasies of getting my baseball bat to scare couples in the middle of their romantic dinner
Next valentine’s day I don’t to keep playing the role of bitter,jaded, and lonely bitch who allows herself to become a wreck at the mere mention of romantic love
Next valentine’s day I’m rewriting the script of grief stricken lonely girl and will make it a day that will reflect on all of the love I have in my life
I’ve written dozens and dozens of poems about our story of lust and love but today I found your purpose with you I found inspiration and motivation to make myself better hoping you could really love me hoping you wouldn’t see me as just a sexual commodity hoping to make myself worthy of you and while now I see it was a delusion of mine to do all of these things for your love it still helped me to become better than before it still brought me the resilience, strength and courage to start living the life I always wanted to live and plan the future I had always dreamed of with you and after you- I became the empowered woman I am today and for that I thank you
never set out to become a feminist but somehow ended up becoming everything opposite of what I was taught a woman should be in my young girl’s mind a husband and children should have made me happy even when I observed all of the women around drown in misery always complaining about their husbands and kids I thought that maybe with me, it’d be different and when I found myself in my grown up conditioned woman narrative I almost tried to die in that reality and knew it was never for me and for a while I searched for answers in others until I looked within and understood, i alone am magic I alone without a man am really enough and the only one responsible for my happiness and to make my dreams come true all a man ever did was drag me down and made me feel like the dirt on his shoe or like an ornament to take out at times for his convenience and when I realized all of this that’s when I became an unintentional feminist, unapologetic and unashamed to be the woman I always wanted to be but had been too afraid to embrace until my middle age
I’m looking for the rhythm of a new heartbeat to fall in love with A heartbeat that goes with the flow of my intense intimacy A heartbeat who doesn’t call me angel or princess only calls me by my name a heartbeat who’ll fall in love with the real me and not the idea they have of me or the persona I play on social media A heartbeat who can handle my crazy and chaos A heartbeat who accepts and understands me and never tries to change me
me and my family have immigration jokes for day on end and some of my friends think that’s sick and awful but its one of the only things that helps me and my family keep our sanity in Trump’s American is making fun of our misery and misfortune
it’s how we’ve survived generations of corrupt governments and wannabe dictators its how we’ve passed resilience and strength to future generations
sure, we may cry at first as the life we’ve worked hard for starts falling apart and our plans for the future are shattered because of a few megarich and corrupt maga idiots who run our government but right after we wipe our tears and break out in jokes and laughter especially now that what’s supposed to be the land of the free gets more and more fascist and we swim closer and closer to nazi waters the only thing we can do is try to find a way to smile, to laugh, to find a bit of joy no matter how fucked up in may seem in this dystopian clusterfuck
rose gold cross ripped from her neck handcuffs cutting into her smalls wrists mami and papi can’t explain why they’re nowhere to be found she thought officers were supposed to be good people but they hurl insults at her and call her a criminal and at 10 she can hardly grasped the severity of the situation they tell her over and over again “we’re taking you back to where you came from” and it’s beyond her compression because her birth certificate says Illinois because America is the only home she’s ever known
I’m pregnant, it’s yours, I want to keep it I start crying “Just get rid of it you tell me he fairytale died that day
I’m at your apartment drunk And you;re drunk, we fight, then we kiss And you take me in-but then you feel guilt And kick me out I The fairytale died that day
I’m at your apartment I want to hold you and kiss you I yearn for you You imply I can’t be trusted The fairytale died that day
la incertidumbre ha sido mi lección más grande en mis últimos 5 años Nunca sabiendo qué hacer cuando un terremoto emocional me va a sacudir violentamente tratando de buscar propósito por el dolor y el duelo tratando de hacer arte de esto Algunos dicen que era alquimia y magia pero yo pienso que alguna palabra o concepto que todavía no ha sido descubierto