my roots are locked in a this land that calls me an other, a forever foreigner a land where Iβve never felt welcomed and yet this is what I call home this is where I went to school this is where my children were born and raised this is the only other place Iβve called home
Mario on the screen as my brother plays Nintendo I reach for the control as Mario dies for the second time my Primo stops me and says this is not a girl’s game at 7, I sulk at the unfairness of it I too want to go on adventures in a pixelated reality but I know better than to say anything at 7, I’m old enough to understand it’s best to stay in my Woman’s Place
I wrote this poem in October of 2022 with the help of Quora.
honestly though…
what do most people not understand about borderline personality disorder? what are borderline psychopaths? can you trust someone with borderline personality disorder? can someone who has bpd have empathy and feel bad for what they have done? does a borderline individual ever had a hard time getting over someone or can they easily forget? what is borderline personality rage? what hurts a person with BPD? why is borderline personality so contradictory? do people with BPD act normal to everyone except the person theyβre splitting on? are people with BPD childlike ? can unconditional love treat borderline disorder? does a person with bpd make their partners go crazy? how do borderlines show they love you? do borderlines ever find happiness, hope or a genuine connection? what does a bpd episode look like? should someone with BPD ever disclose that to a potential mate? when do relationships with PwBpd start to fall apart? are borderline psychotic? can borderline disorder be cured?
cautiously I try to paint you into my future and see how you fit into my vision of forever hoping youβll be the one whoβll prove me wrong and Iβll stop standing on the hill named βIβm too fucked up to be lovedβ
the breeze kissed my face in Lima as we drove past the ocean and I was enchanted I was in love with the place I was born in with the place of my ancestors my Peru is beautiful and magnificent with a rich history of a people who have been conquered, of a people who have endured – of a proud people who carry their patriotism in their hearts and bones and the best part-I get to call this place home
All of the ingredients for a long term love and I fawn I donβt think Iβve ever here before you you shower me with consistency, desire, attention and respect you actually care about how Iβve slept you know how to reassure me repeatedly Iβm worthy enough to be loved and all of my past romantic tragic comedies were a all practice and experience for you a real sanctuary to lay me love in
in the dark shadows of the earth lies the outliers and outcasts the ones we many times ignore or only talk about in quiet whispers we pity them, weβre afraid of them, we avoid them we donβt want to catch their disease of poverty or insanity we donβt know how to see their humanity and honestly it makes us, and not them, the real monsters
for a brief moment, everything felt perfect your hand on the steering wheel another hand on my thigh, a taylor swift song blasting from the radio it felt like anything was possible and this was my moment of ultimate redemption
in Lima, I never had to tone down my theatrics everyone was just like me not filtering what was on their mind they left no thoughts behind loud and emotional is seen as normal passionate is the standard i never had to reign myself in I could just be without thinking without doing any explaining
drove towards the moon, full of uncertainty and ambiguity Wondering whatβs next for me, tired of being the foundation tired of acting like I donβt crash out
Drove towards the moon full of uncertainty and ambiguity trying to manifest something softer and calmer for myself where Iβm not fighting for survival
I donβt want to work that extra shift but my discover statement tells me otherwise- it tells me that once again I’m falling into a world of debt- for daring to live a life above my means, above my class and if Iβm not careful I can slip back into poverty status so Iβll work that extra shift and stop trying to live a higher class life thatβs not meant for me yet-
I sigh at the horizon in front of me as L.A is under siege again and this time theyβve declared a state of emergency I want to avoid the news, turn off my phone for a few days, lock myself away in a cabin with my boyfriend somewhere in the appalachian mountains where I can forget the rest of the world But I canβt, I canβt, I canβt I wasnβt raised to look away in the face of injustice or when the safety of my loved ones are compromised instead I remain hypervigilant Always on alert of this administrationβs next dickhead move hoping itβs enough to keep my loved ones protected from chaos and destruction hoping one day this madness will end
in Lima, people sing out loud at the table, in the car they donβt carry the shame and embarrassment of Americans they show their happiness, sadness, anger and all of their emotions out loud unafraid to be cast as emotional and dramatic they wear badges of passion, grief, anger and love on a prominent place without caring about what the judgment of others and itβs fucking beautiful