a feeling of desire for you, anticipating our next kiss, anticipating the first time you make me yours and I almost die from our mutual pleasure anticipating the first time weβre somewhere where you make me coffee and those 3 little words I havenβt heard in a long time slip out of your mouth
I try to banish the clouds of doubts and insecurities in me everytime Iβm in love, I get like this everytime I start to feel comfortable in a new sanctuary I start to question if iβm worthy, if iβm deserving is it possible that really, Iβm the problem and the one who sabotages everything
Cover me with a blanket of lies and tell me you love me tell me Iβm the only one for you and false promises about youβll never leave and how youβre not like the other guys Love me at your convenience, love me when Iβm easy Iβll believe the fantasy and play my role of the perfect and polite princess until one day, I grow out of my role and explode and Iβll discover once again youβre like everyone else who can only stand me for a short while and accuse me of being a crazy bitch and leave
putting in bold letters I support ICE in your facebook profile pic I quickly unfriended yours and your husbandβs joint facebook account the one created after he stepped out on you and karma was served to you for being a homewrecker several years ago the one created to keep tabs on him so he wouldnβt do it again and as I write this, I almost laugh hysterically because of course it makes sense that you support Trump, ICE, and everyone who wants to destroy and rips rights away from everyone whoβs not white and straight After all, didnβt you yourself tear a family apart? so it makes perfect sense also I always wondered who the other woman was from your hateful vitriol of immigrants and latinas she must be one hell of a Latina who almost took your man
going from βpeople watchingβ energy to βJunoβ energy is not for the weak itβs accepting that finally your time has come and your turn is here despite your many attempts to build an impenetrable wall no one can get through someone was brave enough to get to know you, to claim you as theirs and while there is still a jaded part of you that attempts to not make much of this because at the end they all leave the romantic in you wins and you fall like alice into the wonderland of love
once my boundaries are crossed, I CUT YOU OUT LIKE TAGS ON MY CLOTHING (like the great Conan Gray said)
itβs not romance, itβs harassment placing me on your dream girl altar and telling me about your boner Even after IΒ told you no But then you still threw me your delusional love and when I was honest right away and I told you βIβm sorry but noβ somehow now Iβm a crazy bitch, a stranger whoβs letting her mental illness talk for her after calling out your misogynistic behavior All I said was no to you and the insults come on cue I warned you, didnβt I and now foul, you cry I told you I wasnβt ready for what you had to offer but you kept playing the part of my great admirer and maybe Iβm fucked up in the head but your fantasies I needed to behead I needed to keep myself safe from men like you who try to bully me into loving them into giving in because your endless attention and compliments havenβt you read my story? Iβm not no longer a woman who bends and bends to manβs thirst for me
In therapy Iβm supposed to write about the last thing that cause me grief and I think itβs funny considering the tons of poetry and journal entries Iβve written about it Iβm tired of writing about it, Iβm tired of talking about it Iβm tired of thinking about it and I want to tell my therapist I donβt have homework for this week but this is part of therapy this is what I need to address the unhealed trauma within so Iβll write for the 1000th time about the last thing that caused trauma and grief hoping my therapist will provide valuable insight on how to let go of it
one day Iβll give my testimony of how I burned down to ashes and resurrected from them and wrote my powerful chapter called empowerment and love and how the worst of me had to happen in order for me to to become the powerhouse in front of you
that silver lining turned into a dark cloud real quick
phosphene blooms across the room when I catch you staring at me and I feel an electric shock go through me this feels like a new kind of crazy this feels like a new stirring of hope I never expected to feel this way ever again And this feels like my silver lining a long time coming
temptation all around me to repeat the same unhealthy stories to the sabotage the healthy energy in front of me it would be so easy to do so allow it all to combust in front of me but I wonβt this time Iβll be different this time Iβll do my best to make it work this time he knew the poet in me before he met me and I have no hidden corners of myself left and with all that said I know we have a chance of making it
from my favorite movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
Wish I could say Iβm a chill and cool kind of girl when it comes to love but Iβm not because once Iβm into you and I let you in it will be hard to get rid of me because I am a nurturer and Iβll love you with my whole heart and Iβll make you the center of my world and find ways for us to get closer wait, wait, wait this version of me no longer exist she went up in flames a few years back Nowadays, the slightest sirens go off in me and I want to run away and block him Cease and desist any evidence of him, the slightest offence and it takes everything out of me to remember my skills learned in therapy Tell him, I need a bit of time to process and weβll talk in the morning I know that after a good nightβs sleep, Iβll look at things differently and wonβt fuck up my new love story because of a single simple misunderstanding
Iβm the girl who screamed wolf in love in my poems one too many times always acting like Iβm the victim always acting like Iβm the hurt party always acting like Iβm fucked over in love when the truth is I too have broken hearts I too am shit at relationships I too dispose of men once they fall off from my pedestal and so perhaps, I need to stop screaming wolf and accept that every once in a while I am the wolf whoβs capable of destroying and disposing of people as well
I need to exorcize you and you out of me before I step into a new chapter of love Itβs not fair to him to allow past chapters to haunt me and make me question my sanity and maybe thatβs ghosting you and sharing our story of toxic love in spanish and while my methods may be a tad questionable itβs the best I can do for now and for me, itβs enough
canβt seem to get away from my demons no matter how fast i run, no matter how healed I claim to be they always haunt me in my dreams, or when Iβm at my most vulnerable and happy thinking life might finally be going right for me But out of the blue, my new boyfriend annoys me, unexpected bills show up, my stalker is back and creeping on my blog, and I fight with my teenage son I wonder what did I do to piss off the universe this time