in Lima, I never had to tone down my theatrics everyone was just like me not filtering what was on their mind they left no thoughts behind loud and emotional is seen as normal passionate is the standard i never had to reign myself in I could just be without thinking without doing any explaining
I sigh at the horizon in front of me as L.A is under siege again and this time theyβve declared a state of emergency I want to avoid the news, turn off my phone for a few days, lock myself away in a cabin with my boyfriend somewhere in the appalachian mountains where I can forget the rest of the world But I canβt, I canβt, I canβt I wasnβt raised to look away in the face of injustice or when the safety of my loved ones are compromised instead I remain hypervigilant Always on alert of this administrationβs next dickhead move hoping itβs enough to keep my loved ones protected from chaos and destruction hoping one day this madness will end
I breathe in America I exhale out Peru Iβm distant, cold, and reserved at times Iβm warm, nurturing and dramatic at times I was born in Peru, land of the Incas land of the conquistadores and have the blood of both run through my veins along with their determination and fortitude I was raised for most of my life in America and lost part of my language and culture and gained an individualistic American mindset I breathe in America, I exhale out Peru never had a choice in this bicultural existence
I found love and it wasnβt at a bar or an app I found it on the soil I was born on, I found it in the embrace of my homeland I found it in welcome from everyone I met and reconnected with I found it in the accent I never had I found love as the prodigal daughter of my country I hadnβt seen in 32 years
weβre not promised tomorrow, so we must make the best of our todays- creating community with our friends, reconnecting with our roots loving our children with a loud fervor weβre not promised tomorrow, so we must appreciate everything we have the legs that take us on walks and runs the creativity that flows from our minds the laughter shared with loved ones
the plane slowly takes off and I take flight with it I leave behind past troubles,past trauma and go on an adventure to find healing and the best version of myself
look at that Goddess, very awkward, very full of herself
gratitude taste like mamiβs sopa de pollo gratitude smells like my loverβs cologne gratitude feels like a warm hug from my son gratitude sounds like my sisterβs car in my driveway gratitude looks like me looking at the Goddess in the mirror
I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I planted my feet on the soil I was born on until I breathed the air my parents and ancestors inhaled until I tasted flavors from almost a lifetime ago I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I returned to my homeland and it was the piece of the puzzle found I needed to finally complete me
my oldest son moved out in same week my youngest started high school people keep asking me how I am and honestly I donβt know yet all I know is there a major hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger and I call it partial empty nest syndrome
the rocking chair tells a story about the white working class for the past 60 years from grandfather to father to sons from the greatest generation to the boomer generation to the boomer generation and skipped all the way to the zoomer and alpha generation (side note: the boomer knocked up a pretty little millennial thing in his late 40βs)
the rocking chair has seen the first man on the moon to the alpha losing his shit when tik tok went dark for several hours
the rocking chair tells a story of the white working class from breaking the generation curse of illiteracy to educational achievements from factory days to caseworker days to bolton hall days
the rocking chair holds the dreams, the hopes, the struggles of 4 generations of the white working class
Kam Highway would see many changes in our family three teenagers in one house, our parents were saints at first we lived in abject poverty trying to find change in the secondhand couch for ramen or popcorn chicken or anything to put food in our tummies this apartment saw the awkwardness of my adolescence saw my brother almost fall into the wrong crowd saw my sister fall in and out of love until she finally landed her first husband next door and we had a pizzeria next door and also the interesting neighbors like the marine next door who beat his unfaithful wife or Tipper the stripper who was in a toxic relationship with the landlordβs son their song was Kiss and Say Goodbye by the Manhattans and the fun thanksgivings with all of the neighbors
my childhood was not easy and at times full of chaos good to inspire my creativity, one where I never needed much imagination since real life served up a lot of telenovela energy from toxic family dynamics to immigrant trauma to the ghetto melrose place in hawaii my childhood felt like a constant barrage of episodes where the adults couldnβt keep it together
for a long time I thought the universe had forgotten about this lovergirl thought my destiny was to be alone but the universe was plotting and planning writing a silver lining I had quietly manifested and prayed for taking the time to write a new song that inspires poems about love, hope, and joy making sure I had enough time and introspection in order to be ready for my version of 11:11
even in our middle age, our mami still tends to us calling us, asking about our eating habits and love life giving bits of wisdom and encouragement still worrying about us she doesnβt have to but itβs her nature to do so itβs a habit of almost half a century thatβs hard to break itβs a tradition of an unconditional motherβs love
my rage comes in like a bright orange burst and it explodes in social media posts, my notebooks, and journal itβs my inner child scared and anxious who feels threatened and take it upon herself to call on middle age me to defend her, to protect her from the cruelty and abuse happening in front of her so many families like mine torn apart so many immigrant children like me many years ago crying for their parents not understanding why this is happening and I feel the heavy weight of impotence not knowing how I can help or what to do to stop all of this needless pain and suffering happening in front of me and all I see is a bright orange burst of rage ready to punch walls because my empathetic and soft heart feels the cries, the whimpers, the screams of the parents and kids whose only crime was to leave their country in search for a better life