my oldest son moved out in same week my youngest started high school people keep asking me how I am and honestly I donβt know yet all I know is there a major hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger and I call it partial empty nest syndrome
the rocking chair tells a story about the white working class for the past 60 years from grandfather to father to sons from the greatest generation to the boomer generation to the boomer generation and skipped all the way to the zoomer and alpha generation (side note: the boomer knocked up a pretty little millennial thing in his late 40βs)
the rocking chair has seen the first man on the moon to the alpha losing his shit when tik tok went dark for several hours
the rocking chair tells a story of the white working class from breaking the generation curse of illiteracy to educational achievements from factory days to caseworker days to bolton hall days
the rocking chair holds the dreams, the hopes, the struggles of 4 generations of the white working class
Kam Highway would see many changes in our family three teenagers in one house, our parents were saints at first we lived in abject poverty trying to find change in the secondhand couch for ramen or popcorn chicken or anything to put food in our tummies this apartment saw the awkwardness of my adolescence saw my brother almost fall into the wrong crowd saw my sister fall in and out of love until she finally landed her first husband next door and we had a pizzeria next door and also the interesting neighbors like the marine next door who beat his unfaithful wife or Tipper the stripper who was in a toxic relationship with the landlordβs son their song was Kiss and Say Goodbye by the Manhattans and the fun thanksgivings with all of the neighbors
my childhood was not easy and at times full of chaos good to inspire my creativity, one where I never needed much imagination since real life served up a lot of telenovela energy from toxic family dynamics to immigrant trauma to the ghetto melrose place in hawaii my childhood felt like a constant barrage of episodes where the adults couldnβt keep it together
for a long time I thought the universe had forgotten about this lovergirl thought my destiny was to be alone but the universe was plotting and planning writing a silver lining I had quietly manifested and prayed for taking the time to write a new song that inspires poems about love, hope, and joy making sure I had enough time and introspection in order to be ready for my version of 11:11
even in our middle age, our mami still tends to us calling us, asking about our eating habits and love life giving bits of wisdom and encouragement still worrying about us she doesnβt have to but itβs her nature to do so itβs a habit of almost half a century thatβs hard to break itβs a tradition of an unconditional motherβs love
my rage comes in like a bright orange burst and it explodes in social media posts, my notebooks, and journal itβs my inner child scared and anxious who feels threatened and take it upon herself to call on middle age me to defend her, to protect her from the cruelty and abuse happening in front of her so many families like mine torn apart so many immigrant children like me many years ago crying for their parents not understanding why this is happening and I feel the heavy weight of impotence not knowing how I can help or what to do to stop all of this needless pain and suffering happening in front of me and all I see is a bright orange burst of rage ready to punch walls because my empathetic and soft heart feels the cries, the whimpers, the screams of the parents and kids whose only crime was to leave their country in search for a better life
floating in a neon pink haze , the afterlife awaits no more suffering, no more mental health crisis no more dark doses of reality this could be lovely and nice but Iβm pushed out by forces beyond my control wake up in a fog my soulβs purpose has not been fulfilled I must continue telling my story
there are days I donβt feel strong enough to be their mom maybe itβs insecurity that weighs heavily on me after every fight, after every conflict it was easier when they were small and I was their favorite person the one they ran to the moment I opened the door nowadays I work much and they have their own interests to have much to do with me nowadays they bring up grievances of everything Iβve done and am doing wrong is this karma for being a bad daughter to my mom is this karma for being selfish and self absorbed for a few years of their lives Who knows- maybe itβs not about being strong, being right, or being respected maybe itβs about them knowing they are loved
miss the days when I was your favorite person, when you greeted me with excitement when we played candyland for your hours Nowadays. Iβm lucky to get a βhiβ from you, nowadays, I hear more from you through cashapp than IRL nowadays when I ask you about your day, you murmur a one word response and overnight you went from my sweet cherub to a tall and lanky stranger I donβt recognize and while I still hear you play with your legos I know those days are coming to an end soon While growing up is inevitable to the passage of time itβs still heartbreaking and painful because youβre the last one of my trinity making the transition from boy to man
Itβs fading fast, the time where you willingly spend time with me Soon youβll prefer your friends to me Soon youβll lock yourself in your room and only come out for food Your voice is changing and youβre already taller than me and your hormones makes you all kinds of angry and me and everyone in the house are in denial that youβre growing up because youβve been the baby for so long our little rainbow who lights up our family and itβs hard for us to accept our baby is blossoming into a young man and every day my heart hurts more thinking how fast itβs all going, and how soon Iβll be forgotten slowly fading into your background
ego finally captured, Iβm calm and humbled the spiral of paranoia is gone no one hates me, no oneβs out to get me it was a false narrative I created in moments of madness it was fake news as I let my emotions get the better of me and control me Iβve gained clarity again
I punish the men in my life with silence I learned it from my mom sheβd last days without saying a word to my dad after a fight always waited until he broke down and apologized she always needed to win and while Iβm not as brutal as her I need to protect myself when a man makes me feel like Iβm not good enough, like Iβm a monster so I walk away calm and give a silence so deafening theyβre ask a million questions why theyβll search answers in between the lines of the posts I write and if theyβre smart enough and get the hint, theyβll stay away from me