Poetry: Forgiving My Younger Self

I wrote this poem in February of 2022.

I forgive myself at 15 for crying over an idiot
who was never worth my time and energy
but he did spark my poetic voice

I forgive myself at 20 for writing more than 50 poems
about a 6 week relationship in 2001
but it did make for some hilarious blog content in 2021

I forgive myself at 25 for not fighting harder for my dreams
and for swallowing my anger and angst for the comfort of others
but that year I became a playwright

I forgive myself at 30 for drowning the writer in me
as I lost myself in my roles as wife and mother
but that year I launched my blog

I forgive myself at 35 for swallowing a bottle of xanax
because I felt like a failure as wife, mother, and worker
but the dark poetry from that time is some of my best

I forgive myself at 40 for wanting to die for two weeks in July
after being discarded by the “supposed” love of my life
but that summer I found the confidence to call myself a writer

Poetry: Bilingual

I wrote this in January of 2022.

me at work living that bilingual life

Stuck in between Spanish and English
is a bilingual nightmare
constantly switching between languages
gives me a lifelong jaqueca
and at times I don’t get it right
it’s switching between two identities
Latina or American
it gets hard and confusing at times
but it’s who I am
Hablo con mamá en Español
I speak to my sons in English
Hablo con los pacientes en Español
I speak to my coworkers in English
and to code switch parece una comedia
I’m told that I’m fun and loud en Español
pero soy profesional y reservada in English
eventually I learn to meld
my American and Latina personalities
and I find my most authentic
bilingual and bicultural identity

Poesía: Advertencia

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/12/26/poetry-why-dont-you/

porque no te armas de valor y le dices la verdad
en vez de correr de tus sentimientos con infidelidad y borracheras
estas haciendo dano a ti y a ella
pronto tu conciencia te devorara
no te estoy juzgando, estoy preocupado por ti
la gente está empezando con sus chismes
hasta piensan que soy la causa de ti infidelidad
y mientras me río de sus chismes
nuestra colega me contó la verdad
que ella es cómplice en tu infidelidad
y la mirada en su cara me dijo todo
ella está desesperadamente enamorada
esto es un juego de amor peligroso que estás jugando
donde tres personas se van a quemar

Poesia: Maletera Del Carro

Escribi este poema en enero del 2022.

Iba en la maletera del carro
llena de las mentiras de mis padres
que toda estaría bien
y nos íbamos hacia la alegría
a un lugar misterioso y mágico

Iba en la maletera del carro
asustada y llorando lágrimas
mientras mi mami me abrazaba
me decía”cállate, pronto llegaremos a
nuestro destino”

Iba en la maletera del carro
y casi me sentía sofocada
pero mi mami me susurraba
“duérmete, casi llegamos”

Iba en la maletera del carro
y cuando salimos
el sol no sonrió
y fue el primer dia
en nuestra nueva patria

Poetry: The Revenge of the Karens

I wrote this in January of 2022.

Karens always think they’re the best

one day the karens will rise up and protest on the streets
with their short blond hair auspiciously blowing in the wind
and their know it all smirks, armed with latest iphones
in their gucci bags with signs that say, live, laugh and love
or I want to speak to the manager
they’ll stomp in their $100 uggs with a purpose
to be seen and heard
with a purpose to complain about everything
wrong in their world
with a purpose to take their name back
one will get on the megaphone and talk about the oppression
they face because of their name or the pale color of their skin
or their higher social status
and people-well they’ll laugh at them,
they’ll love the absurdity of their message
and live for this-the least empowering moment in history

Poetry: Restless and Unsettled

Aqui esta la version en Espanol:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/12/17/poesia-inquieta/

I am restless and unsettled
realizing you never loved me
I was just another girl to you
nothing special, nothing meaningful
just someone temporary to pass the time with
I’m growing tired of this repetitive story
Another love that expires when I ask
for something more
Another story that starts off with so much promise
only to end up as another tragedy

Poetry: I’m Done Apologizing

I wrote this in January of 2022.

me in January of 2022

I’m done apologizing for being too much or not enough
I’ve always been enough
I’m done apologizing for being crazy
I’m God’s creation of a perfect imperfection
I’m done apologizing for being too bland or too spicy
I’m a perfect blend of whatever I want to be
I’m done apologizing for being me!

Poetry: Writing is My Lifeline

I wrote this in January of 2022.

me in January of 2022 in my writing attire

Writing is my lifeline
with it, I’m almost fine
without it I’m almost lost
and my mind pays the cost

Writing is my lifeline
Especially since I’m borderline
It’s brings my truth to the forefront
It’s almost my antidepressant

Writing is my lifeline
It’s part of my life’s design
I accept it as my passion
and also my ammunition

Poesía: Amor Propio

Here is the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/12/20/inner-wealth/

siempre valía mucho más de lo que pensaba
pero no sabía valorarme, no sabía amarme
estaba desesperada por el amor de mis amantes
y les deje que me trataran como una muñeca de trapo
Pensaba que no era suficiente
conformandome con lo peor
No entendía que lo que necesitaba
era un amor propio para sentirme completa y amada

Poetry: Fighting

I wrote this in January of 2022. I was angry.

I ask myself this question every day

Fighting for my cause
I question everything I learned
I take time to pause
my childhood lies burn
and make feel lost

Fighting for my family
I get so fucking angry
Why are people so shitty?
insulting my ancestry-
projecting their insecurities onto me-
Wait, are they jealous of me?

Fighting for my life
I pause of a while
thinking about all of my strife
and the past I need to reconcile
to move forward with my life
but this fight is worthwhile

Poesia: Anhelo Egoísta

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/12/16/poetry-confession/

Que hago perdiéndome en la fantasía de ti
acaso es nuestra química que me ciega?
o puede ser que tu en realidad eres mi alma gemela?
qué importa que estes con otro
abre tus ojos y veras
que tu y yo debemos ser
descarta de la otra
para que podamos empezar a vivir nuestro
cuento de amor

Poetry: My Real Diagnosis

I wrote this in January of 2022.

if I had to be honest with myself

my real diagnosis should be “failure at love”
childhood trauma gave me abandonment issues
teenage trauma cemented it and added identity issues
combined with chronic emptiness
I couldn’t stand the constant void within
so I chased love trying to fill it
constantly sought out validation from men
to stop feeling ugly and alone
I’ve used them and they’ve used me
as band aids for our mutual loneliness
and when I start to feel sure of their love
it suddenly disappears
and all of my issues came back with force
with suicidal ideation entwined
And still I dusted myself off
and tried my luck with love over and over again
thinking each time it will be different
except it never is
they always tire of me and decide to leave
and once again my insanity hits and I break
Intrusive thoughts spiral in my head in an endless loop
“’i’m a failure to love,i’m a failure at love,
i’m a failure with love,i’m never enough,
i’m worthless, death must be better than this”
this was my tragic love story for 26 years
but on year 26, I said “fuck this tragic love story”
and I got the courage to change it
I’m not a failure to love, I’m not a failure at love
or I’m not a failure with love
I’m enough by myself, I can be alone by myself
and I turn into a success story of love