Poetry: A Letter to My Previous Muses

I wrote this in December of 2021.

Maybe I was too harsh with my words
Frustrated with rejection and abandonment
I was filled with anger and resentment
that needed to bleed on paper
Maybe I’ve been too much of a critic
Cutting you down with petty words and insults
Perhaps I was projecting my own insecurities
Maybe I should have taken some of the blame
of your unexpected departures
I know I’m not an easy woman to be with
often times I’m too emotional and needy
And maybe, just maybe
I forgive all of you and me
We were all trying our best to love and be loved
And sometimes even our best isn’t enough

Poetry: The Perfect Blowjob

SO …I’m a hyper sexual person at times. My sex drive tends to be intense and insatiable. I use to think that it was both a blessing and a curse but now I really accept that it’s part of who I am and I’m no longer ashamed or feel guilty about it. This poem from 2015 is about me really enjoying blowjobs.

What most women loathe

I have learned to love

Maybe it’s our long term connection 

And our mutual appreciation

Or maybe it’s uncontrolled lust

That makes pleasing you a must 

The way my lips and tongue

Slowly encounter every

Delicious inch of you

Drives my crazy,

Drives me mad, 

I must have all of you

So I take you deeper in my throat

And as I hear you

Moan, I find a sense 

Of heaven that excites me

For once you are vulnerable

To me and that’s not how it usually is

I know that you are about to reach

Your point of ecstasy

And somehow that feels 

Empowering to me…

I happily take you 

In my hand while my mouth

Fucks the top of you

Slowly and then fast

As I feel you about  to burst

You’re almost there baby

Within seconds of exploding 

And then I taste your sweet liquid 

Fill up my mouth

I feel you tremble like

An aftershock 

And satisfaction

Is written all over your face

As I swallowed every 

Drop of you

You awkwardly hand me a napkin

And I graciously take it

We hold each other 

In the aftermath                                                        

Of your explosion                  

Poetry: Darkness

Para la versión en español de este poema, haga clic en este enlace:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/10/19/poesia-la-oscuridad/

You left me in an eternal darkness
Without any compassion, without any humanity
You caused me an infinite pain
with your malicious and false ways
You left me in a world of insecurity
How can I trust ever again?
But I promise you thing
you’ll remember me
After our painful parting
You had it all with me
And now there’s no way
To recover my love
With a unique and ardent warmth

Poetry: Sanity

I wrote this in January of 2018 when me and my starter husband had opened up our relationship. The person “B” who inspired this poem was the first guy I was with after this transition. It’d be the first of unstable whateverships/relationships from that year that would restart this unhealthy pattern. This poem is also a perfect example of my black and white thinking. I idealized my husband and devalued the other person. I also felt guilt and shame sleeping with someone else who wasn’t my husband even though we were in an open relationship.

me in 2018 around the time I wrote this poem

I’m disappointed once again -being here with you
You represent everything I thought I wanted
But-
You don’t compare to him
You make my body sing with kisses
but don’t sweep up the mess that I am
You give me pleasure
but can’t handle my pain
You are there to fuck me
but never to rescue me
SO I choose him
Who chooses to be there for me
When I chase for death in a bathtub or a bottle
Because while sex and lust feels good
When it’s happening
It doesn’t compare to the love
and support he’s provided in keeping me alive
So I say goodbye to a life
Full of lust filled fantasies
and accept the one and only who truly
cares for me

Poetry: Superficial

I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression.

I want to write about love

But instead find myself 

Writing about depression and loss

Everything feels so vague and fake

I don’t know what or who’s 

Real anymore

Is it existential dread 

Or a midlife crises 

Or a mixture of both?

Living in a world rampant

 With comparisons 

   With the click of a button

Tears at my soul

Thanks to the ridiculous 

And never ending standards 

Modern society thrusts upon us.

It’s all a constant competition 

About who has the best life

Have we all become society’s 

Attention whores?

Poetry: Love and Hate

So I had forgotten to post this poem from the great breakup of 2001.

haha…it be like that sometimes

I guess it was fate
For you to cross that thin line
Between love and hate
You were really a waste of time
Now you’ll never know
How good you and me could’ve been
Or how much I really loved you so
But your love was only a smoke screen
I even thought we had forever
because I wanted to believe you were true
but I guess you were another whatever
and I was another one you’d screw
Now there’s nothing left to say
and it’s time to forget everything

Poetry: Extinction

I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression. I guess I was just annoyed and angry by society.

me in 2017 around the time I wrote this poem

Simple decency is becoming extinct
Manners and politeness is rare
rudeness and sarcasm is the norm
Being kind feels outdated
in this narcissistic society
filled with superfluous and superficial people
Who bring their harsh and shallow attitudes
everywhere
There is no escape from this epidemic
of the nothingness
that tries to appear profound
It is a society that blames the victim
“ but what was she wearing?”
or
“He was hanging out with the wrong kids”
It is a society that’s prejudiced against
anyone different
“Go back to where you came from”
“You’ll never belong here”
“People will always remember
how you made them feel”,
Maya Angelou said
Unnecessary, weak, aloof, isolated alone
Is how this world makes me feel
I’m a FAILURE trying to accommodate myself
to this world full of shallow feelings
I miss the kind and real people
in this world
It’s rare to find them now
They are almost extinct

Poetry: Shadows

I wrote this poem sometime around 2014 or 2015. I was feeling nostalgic about a former flame I had been obsessed with. This tends to happen a lot with me. Letting go of my past is hard at times.

me in 2015 around the time I wrote this poem

Shadows of my past

Envelop my future

Everywhere I go

Time has passed 

I am older

Harsh experiences 

Have made my cynical

And embrace 

My mediocrity

But still 

Shadows of the past

Envelop my future

Everywhere i go

I’m happy that you found 

Your idyllic happiness 

With someone else 

And living the life

You always wanted 

But shadows of our past

Envelop my future

Everywhere I go 

I love my children

I love my spouse

But for one more moment

Of us

I would leave them

And everything else behind

Shadows of our past

Envelops my future

Everywhere I go 

Poesia: No Quiero Quejarme

For the English version of the poem, click on the link below:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/08/04/poetry-i-hate-to-whine/

No quiero quejarme

pero desperdiciaste mi tiempo

no pensé que fueras otro canalla

o que me dejarías con un hueco tan profundo

Es un dolor constante y tremendo

tu cara manipuladora está grabada en mi mente

No quiero quejarme

pero estaba buscando una señal

que tu eras mi alma gemela

Y  no otra persona que me llenaría con odio

Que tu eras el hombre de mis sueños

No otro hombre que rompería mi cordura

Poetry: Rejection

I wrote this in 2009 about Brad.

sometimes all you can do is laugh

Rejection
Is an interruption
Of the infatuation
I felt towards you

Rejection
Is a profound sadness
With a river of tears
That flows down my cheeks

Rejection
Is a broken promise
You made
That breaks my heart
Along with the rest of me

Rejection
Is the start of learning
Who you are
Behind the facade
Of infatuation

Poem: Depression

I wrote in December of 2012 when I was amidst a great depression.

So true-Life is hard

Recognizing the triggers of 

My depression is one of 

The hardest things I have to do

It’s when I’m silent

Wishing all the bad things 

Would go away

It’s when I stop listening 

To music 

It’s when I struggle 

To open my eyes 

And face another dreadful day

Poetry: Horizon

I wrote this in 2009 when I was feeling contemplative about life.

Sylvia Plath gets me

Horizon

The horizon stretches out before me
In a limitless manner
I see a future but am unsure
Of which path to walk towards
Everything is a blank slate to me
Undefined by my indecision
The moment I choose
Is the moment I’ll become
Something, anything
Than the nothingness
That I am

The horizon stretches out before me
Offering everything and nothing
Offering this or that
Offering a wasted life
Or a meaningful one

The horizon stretches out before me
And I need to stop
My hesitation
And become a person of actions
And do something, anything
So the horizon is not wasted

Poetry: The Wound

I wrote this in 2008.

I never came back the same

The Wound

It’s a wound that never closes
No matter how many years
are spent trying to close it

To taste the pure heaven that is you
and have it swept
from under me in a sudden swoop
made the everlasting wound

I looked everywhere
for somebody to help me close it
But no matter how hard
they tried, the wound
wouldn’t come close to closing

I finally met someone who lessened the pain
of the wound
with his gentle and understanding nature
But even after 6 years as his patient
the wound remains open

 

Poetry: Restless

I wrote this poem in 2008. One the BPD traits is feeling restless and oh my, I feel this a lot. Sometimes it’s for a few hours, sometimes it’s for a few days and I write about it.

restlessness lies in my heart

Restlessness lies in 

my mind at 

night and does

not go away

easily. It invades 

my thoughts and

questions me.

Will it ever go

away or will I 

become insane?