I wrote this in April of 2002 when I was depressed AF. I wrote this because I was in a toxic work environment where I was discriminated against, disrespected, and at one point even slut shamed. We could say by today’s standards that I was bullied to the extent that getting up every morning for this job was really hard. I was tired of it when I wrote this poem. I’ll tell the story of this toxic job in another blog post.
I wish I could throw up
everything ugly in my life
and only enjoy the beautiful
Perhaps tell the put me down people
to fuck off
Or stop their pathetic attempts
to change me into their idea
of what I should be
And stop getting talked into what
they think is best for me
It’s been 2 weeks since the toxic dude “C” that I’ve been having an on and off situationship with has ghosted me. We’ve been playing this game since we met in July of last year. The chemistry and connection between us has been the insane from the beginning and maybe that’s why I have always let him come back. Or maybe I let him come back because I do genuinely care for him and love him and a part of me wants to believe that he’ll change and things will be different this time. I hate that every time I let him in, I let myself be vulnerable and let my guard down. And then he does something to disappoint me each and every time.I think I lost count of the times I’ve cried over his idiot ass. I think this time I’m finally convinced that he’s never going to change and I’ve got to let him go. He doesn’t have the emotional maturity to face whatever conflict we’re having and he never will have the emotional maturity to do so. It’s strange because he’ll be the one to mention marriage or having kids with me and get crazy jealous about other dudes. I think this time he ran away because I called him out on his offensive behavior while we were out in public and he got his feelings hurt. Or maybe he simply got tired of me.
And of course, he was my muse for my writing for a while. Today, I am tired of writing about him. Today, I am relieved that I’m not waiting for him to text me. Today, I am thankful that I don’t have to deal with his alcoholic and depressive ass trying to make me see things from his republican/libertarian perspective or trying to pull me down in his depression with him. Today, I am lucky I’m not measuring my worth by how he treats me. I’m obviously still angry and upset about this but I’m slowly entering the acceptance phase that he will no longer be a part of my anl life. I think the fog has lifted and I understand that I deserve way better than him. He was part of my wild phase from 2018. It was this phase where I got I was hooking up with dudes for fun (me and my husband had opened up our marriage at the beginning of 2018). A few of them I had genuine feelings for but I ended up being a fun phase for them. I realized that while that phase was fun, I need something deeper than a shallow “no strings attached” connection. I thought that maybe me and “C’ had that for a while but I was wrong. I was another “fun” phase to another dude and he got tired when it was no longer fun and made me feel disposable. Oh well. Honestly, I don’t blame guys for being that way. I know my part in putting that energy out there and tolerating waaaay too much. And damn, I tolerated too much with “C”. It probably should have ended for sure when he friendzone the first time in late July or that time he threw me out of his apartment in January or that time in August when I was sitting in the emergency room with my kid and he accused me of sleeping with other men. Typing all this, I think damn, I should have let him go a looong time ago.
Anyways, today, I say to “C”, thanks for inspiring me for the many poems I wrote, thanks for not believing in me when I needed you too, and also for the excitement and your dumb antics that me and my friends laughed about for hours. I’m not just turning the page, I’m burning our book.
In the words of Ariana Grande, “thank u, next” .