we hear the ice cream truck and we beg mami for money we tell her to hurry before the ice cream truck realizes heβs in the hood she gives us all of the change in her purse and all of us run to the ice cream truck my favorite is a fudgesicle it taste like an almost normal childhood
Cochran street was supposed to be our bright new start in a new country naive immigrants we all were thinking america would accept us thinking our family would have our back instead my parents were exploited and me and my siblings were treated like indentured servants- we never talk about how the toxic it all was
or the trauma it brought or how we tried to fit in a country where we were squares in a peg holes and how dad fell further into his addiction and depression and we donβt talk about any of this because dirty laundry is never aired out in public
I was supposed to have been born in Cuzco but drama kept me away until I was two cusco saw me walk for the first time cusco saw me blossom with the attention and affection of my family and everyone else I learned to be happy with the new freedom my legs gave me but one day that changed when I was four when the baby sitter hurt me -hurt me for being spoiled hurt me for having la tez clara and she gave me a phobia of water and my resilience created an imaginary friend Calinchia to help me face and process what happened to me and eventually blocked my trauma
spring love happened unexpectedly on our first date, he called me his Incan Queen and sent jolts of electricity though my body the first time he touched me and even though itβs too soon to say if this will be my last chapter in my book of lust and love and weβre only almost 3 months in what I can say is that this feel promising, worthy, and something simply with pure intentions that feels almost majestic
This is a poem I wrote in July. I was angry when I wrote it. Lol.
me on the 4th of July with my kiddo
celebrating a country that rips babies apart from their parents and takes away rights from the marginalized and makes anyone whoβs not white and christian feel unwelcome feels like the cruelest irony itβs celebrating genocide, racism, prejudice, xenophobia, and white supremacy itβs celebrating everything atrocious and wrong about this country it almost feels like a personal violation of my beliefs to celebrate the hypocrisy of this country founded on genocide and slavery who claims liberty and justice for all but βallβ is really white, christian and male so Iβm passing on this yearβs 4th of July celebrations because except for a small portion of Americans no one can claim true freedom or independence in this American Land
one day the weight of this burden I carry wonβt feel so heavy and it wonβt be so tough to exist in a country that wants to exterminate people like me or my family, one day this nightmare will be over and the hypervigilance Iβm living will cease to exist one day will come unexpectedly and Iβll find my way back to safety and security
even in our middle age, our mami still tends to us calling us, asking about our eating habits and love life giving bits of wisdom and encouragement still worrying about us she doesnβt have to but itβs her nature to do so itβs a habit of almost half a century thatβs hard to break itβs a tradition of an unconditional motherβs love
When Iβm 54, I want some things to stay the same and others to change I want to love freely unafraid and unashamed and without apologies without the anxiety I have right now that one day heβll leave I want to have the same creative energy that motivates me, and continue to share mine and my familyβs stories that will continually be seen and make me succeed I want to not worry so much if itβs a matter of when this epidemic of violence and madness reaches someone in my family or live with the fear one of my loved ones will be detained I want to have hope for the future of my children and descendents that when I leave this earth things will be better for them because I did the work so they didnβt suffer and can enjoy life a bit more also , I want to be filled with financial stability where Iβm not doing financial gymnastics to pay my bills on time and an no longer a slave to my debt but mostly when Iβm 54, I want to have evolved as a healer who continues to share her light in this world as a poet, writer, and storyteller
Hold onto joy and magic in times like these pause, breathe, drink water Remember your existence is resistance all of that pain, sorrow and grief felt in your body Alchemized it into poetry, art,a story or you could just scream and allow it to exist understand that the oppressors want to overwhelm you And make you crazy and over react using it as an excuse to frame you as the enemy protect your peace at all costs if someone threatens it, itβs a sign theyβve handed you a match to light up and burn their bridge to you and finally, Remember, the distress, the exhaustion is intentional to burn out your light Donβt let them
dating a soldier in not for the weak in these modern time especially now with a civil war and WW3 on the horizon our new love story could be cut short if heβs deployed Things can get complicated and messy if end up dehumanizing or ripping apart families like mine because its his job it makes me wonder if we were foolish in the throwing caution to the wind and getting into a relationship it makes me wonder if we have any chance of working out
Iβm not trying to be rude, Iβm not trying to be mean but I can wear whatever I want, I can post whatever I want Your reaction to any of it is not my responsibility I donβt care if you acquire a thirst for me and delude yourself into thinking you love me Iβm just woman sharing my story however I see fit in order for me to heal, in order for me to help others feel a bit seen Iβm not here for some random man to tried to persuade into a love story Iβll never be interested in writing
compassion and hope appear in a phone call from my prima right before I give in to my hate and anger right before I let my rage control me and make it into a weapon of destruction she reminds me that this is not who I am and to choose forgiveness and empathy for those who hurts us for they donβt know what they do and I wonder if it was an intervention from God, the universe, reminding me that revenge and the wrath of my anger is not the answer and instead I should look to love and wisdom passed down from my ancestors for the confusion and frustration turned into rage that lies within me
my beloved LA is under siege the place that saw my immigrant child self grow, and learn English the place my parents decided to make their new home the place with tastiest hot dogs at culver city mall
my beloved LA is under siege and all I can do is watch the carnage be livestreamed and Iβm transported once again to the L.A riots in 1992 when I was 11 and violence and madness was a stoneβs throw away from our small apartment while mami pretends nothingβs happening as she cooks dinner and weβre all glued to the TV
my beloved LA is under siege and I couldnβt be prouder of my people standing loud and with a firm grip of love and justice for the most vulnerable of us whose only crime was to come this country in search for a better life
we get up and live our daily lives, work, go to school, show up to jury duty while the new regime is on a warpath to destroy the lives of the most vulnerable of the marginalized, of those who are not white, cis, and male we get and continue to live as if the American Gestapo isnβt ripping families apart and as if city after city isnβt been torn apart and turned into a warzone
not feeling romantic lately as my community is torn apart and cruelty is served to them by this administration with no end date as I watch Americaβs Gestapo treat my people as worse than animals but somehow Iβm suppose to block this all out and reply to your sext about all the ways I want you to ravage me