I wrote this in March of 2022 for World Bipolar Day.
I wear the stigma of a bipolar diagnosis and hide this big secret This secret has been a part of me since my teens This secret explains my sometimes uncontrollable insanity This secret at times robs me of my sleep This secret has taken me on many fun and lustful adventures This secret makes me write, write, write so I don’t want to die, die, die I keep this secret and take medication for it But one day, I’ll scream out loud my mental health truth I’m bipolar 2 I’m not enough to ruin your life but just enough to fuck it up a little at a time
I never needed anyone to teach me how to love what I needed was understanding and acceptance while my love is kind and sweet most of the time my love also cannot be tamed at times when it gets wild and out of control it’s better to just ride the big wave of it until it is tamed and soft again it wasn’t that I didn’t know how to love It’s just that most don’t know how to handle it my kind of overwhelming love is a crazy kind of love it will hurt you, challenge you and bring conflict it will make you want to slap the shit out of me because yes it’s that intense but my kind of of love is always worthy
I’m tired of the bustle and hustle that comes with my social status and the color of my skin Why wasn’t I raised with privilege and wealth instead of being raised with poverty and trauma? And I try and I try and I try to find a way out of this cruel existence but it’s futile I take pride in my never ending hustling but at times it feels so exhausting There seems to no end in sight for this fruitless fight
C.E Hoffman’s chapbook collection Blood, Booze and Other Things in Nature is definitely a must read if you like your poetry vulnerable and thought provoking . This collection is raw and in your face and doesn’t shy away from telling you the harsh truth about the world but the poet does in a way that’s witty and full of dark humor. The poet addresses complex issues of mental health, love, sex, parenthood, and poverty. They address the inequalities that hit you in the gut and make you question the status quo.. I’ve never read a poetry collection like this before. I’ll talk about 4 poems from the book that I really liked. Their poetry feels like thoughts I’ve had that I have been too afraid to write down; much less share with the world.
The first poem is “Bloom (Blow Job) “and I really liked how this poem transitioned from giving a blowjob to other things in the poet’s life. I interpreted as things to talk about or are talked about after a blowjob. The line in this poem that really resonated with me was “you wipe spit from your cheek when/your lover says it was the hardest they came in their life, and/you believe them “(Hoffman). I’ve had this said to me quite a few times and my friend has as well. It’s a common line that men say to their partners/flings. Yes, MEN, we do talk about these things.
Another poem that resonated with me was “Magnificent Shits” in which the poet talks about how they imagine their unborn child to be like and how much they already love them . I resonated with this poem because as a parent myself, I’ve had similar thoughts. I resonated with the lines, “But no matter where you go/forever drives your soul/YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE that shits and smiles and needs and creates and kisses/explores and speeds “(Hoffman). These capture that feeling of loving your child and acknowledging their humanness.
Another poem I really liked from this collection is “Prenatal Yoga aka Relearning Breath”. It deals with complex issues of “passing” and even deals with the poet dealing with privilege. The line that I really liked from this poem was, “And I know it’s strange to find peace in a space of appropriation/’cause 8 outta 9 of our faces are white/ so when it comes to “passing”/ I really can’t talk, can I? “(Hoffman) As a woman of color who’s spent most of her time in predominantly white spaces, I understand this sentiment of feeling like an “other” or “out of place”. Often at times, I try to blend in and 9 out of 10 times, I am able to without incident. However, there is that 10 % where I feel uncomfortable because something unintentionally prejudiced is said or a wrong assumption is made about me.
New Moon in Cancer (Radical Honesty 101) was my favorite poem in this book. I interpreted this poem as the anxiety of the poet written in verse. I loved how honest Hoffman is in addressing everything that goes through their mind openly talking about their mental health, relationships, and what it’s like to be a writer in today’s environment of instagram, twitter, etc. One of my favorite lines from this poem was, “I don’t believe in The One./I’ve initiated most of my break-ups, cheated on basically/even in open relationships-/Shit. Maybe I just suck at this.” )Hoffman. I feel like Hoffman basically describes almost all of my romantic relationships and the thoughts I have about that part of my life. Examining and deconstructing my relationships this past year, I’ve often thought, “man, maybe I just suck at this, let me quit while I haven’t slashed anyone’s tires yet”(haha). The other line that I really liked from this poem was “Honestly I’m sick of wanting to get better, dying to be better, trying to do better than whatever I am or can” (Hoffman). Being in this recovery journey from my BPD feels like that sometimes. I have a strict routine I adhere to, read so many books about BPD, monitor my moods and honestly, it gets tiresome at times. Like Hoffman, I get sick of trying to “be better” and I often wonder when I can stop being so vigilant and rigid in everything I do. When can I say I’m finally better and can stop doing so much?
Blood, Booze, and other things in Nature is definitely the poetry collection for you if you’ve ever felt like a pariah, like an outcast, like an outsider in this world that tries to tone you down for being too crazy, too loud, and too bizarre for it. Reading this poetry collection is the medicine you need for that beautiful and chaotic soul of yours that refuses to conform to the norms and expectations of normalcy in this patriarchal society.
Below is a link to the book:
Don’t believe me? Here are other testimonials about the book and the author:
Praise for Blood, Booze, and Other Things in Nature:
This book resonates with anyone who’s ever called a crisis line and had them respond, “Oh wow that’s a lot.” This chapbook isn’t a cocktail. It’s a shot.
-Kit Stitches
This is no nipple-slip, no wardrobe malfunction. This is deliberate, personal exposure, revealing heart, head, and the wounds of living. The battle songs, the laments, and the healing gather here.
-Neil S Reddy
This collection is a dirty meditation, a longing for escape, an ecstatic fuck you to the traps and ties of societal expectation. A delightful, messy romp through the entrails of the heart.
-Nicole Morning
This is the kind of writing that inspires fandom.
-Alexandine Ogundimu, Filth Magazine
Praise for C E Hoffman:
C E Hoffman is a fearless writer.
-Jack Wang, author of We Two Alone and winner of the Danuta Gleed Literary Award
The human spirit remains fresh-voiced, optimistic and youthful in Hoffman’s imaginative writing.
-Martin Millar, author of Lonely Werewolf Girl and winner of the World Fantasy Award
Hoffman’s writing style reminds one of Burroughs at his most straightforward or Irvine Welsh at his strangest, but with a presentation dominated primarily by women and queer characters- a refreshing change in this particular milieu.…Hoffman is definitely a writer to watch for, and I look forward to what they give us next.
I’ve had many Muses in my 41 years some have stayed my kids, my co-parent, my chosen family some have used me as a temporary destination countless friends and lovers they’ve abandoned me or I’ve abandoned them but all who have stayed or gone have inspired me in writing my life’s story through poetry so to my past, present, and future muses I am forever grateful for inspiring the most amazing and crazy creativity without you all, I wouldn’t have anything worth writing about-
this year I lost myself in poetry to help with unexpected loss and grief to make sense of my nonsense and I discovered my voice And I discovered my brand of crazy and there’s hardly a day that goes by without using poetry as therapy I no longer filter myself, I no longer judge myself I allow whatever swims in my mind to land on paper and sometimes it profound and great Sometimes it’s emotional and angry but most of the time it heals something within Maybe poetry should be my new lover because it’s always rescued me from my chaos of emotional instability
text message from me to the person who inspired this poem
Maybe I was captious in thinking you wanted sex but you were really depressed and needed help I was moody and tired and couldn’t be bothered so I turned off my phone and wanted to be alone I thought it was no big deal to not get back on our idiot ferris wheel and now I hope it’s not too late and prioritizing myself wasn’t a mistake because I couldn’t stand the thought of you harming yourself be my fault
There are so many stories within me aching to get out every single one wants to be a priority but which one do I pick first most are dramatic, some are angry and sad, a few are happy and lovely every story is important in a life full of chaos and trauma I don’t know why I attract so much drama So I’m going to tell each story Because I own everything that’s happened to me Because I’m finally taking myself seriously
we’re procrastinating our end not wanting to face the consequences of our doomed relationship so we keep wasting our time pretending we’re fine putting a bandaid of sex on our petty conflicts and keep using each other as blankets for our loneliness instead of being grown ups and admit how our love is no longer worth any effort
it was important for me to learn emotion regulation skills this year
My sense of urgency was lost When I finally felt like enough I no longer had a rush To jump to the next crush I no longer had a need to have a lover next to me I no longer wanted to be love addicted I finally learned To me I needed to return I finally had a new outlook And I started a new storybook I finally understood It’s okay to live my truth And now my sense of urgency rarely appears After so many tears and months of therapy
is it the devil who takes over me and makes me crazy? Or is it God punishing me for past mistakes or maybe it isn’t either And I really have fucked up genetics
I fell into the trap of “acceptance” not understanding I was slowly losing parts of myself for the sake of fitting in, for the sake of other people who loved to judge me accept that you’re too fat to wear that bikini accept that you’re too old to chase your dreams accept that you’re too hard to love it took me too long to figure out the acceptance of others was costing me my sanity and my self worth and I said, “fuck your opinions on who I should be” from now on, I’ll wear whatever I want, I’ll chase my dreams, and I’ll always be worthy of love”
slaying every day with my hard work ethic and my paper and pen
What is the last thing you learned?
Learning to uncensor myself was a hard process I always walked on eggshells for the comfort of others Said yes when I wanted to say no Toned myself down for fear of being too much Accommodated constantly to keep the peace Cut off pieces of myself to make myself digestible But I got too old and tired of hiding who I really am of continuing to pretend to be something I’m not or never will be so I chose to stop hiding the real me who’s loud and dramatic who’s crazy and creative who’s moody and depressed who ‘s a beautiful and majestic Incan Queen
Life on the BPD 