Poetry: Another Girl

I wrote this in 2001 after experiencing a really bad break up. Break ups tend not just break my heart but also make question my self worth. It’s really hard for me to get over someone especially if I get super attached to that person. In this case, I had been with the dude for like 2 months and I guess thought that maybe he was “the one”. Well that wasn’t the case when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. At least it inspired dozens and dozens of poems. Lol.

You make me feel like shit

and it’s breaking me bit by bit

I don’t know what to do 

Knowing you love someone new

I feel so helpless

I’ve become such a big mess

and now seeing you and her

I see now that I was just another girl

Poetry: Desire

I wrote this in 2006 about my husband and my husband were in a good place…meaning we were having sex again after taking a break for several months from it. I tend to place a lot of importance of sex in a relationship and well…if that’s lacking, I get bored and depressed in the relationship.

For once desire and passion 

Has entered our lives once again

 And the pieces start to fall perfectly 

In our lives again.

Is this a dream or just another short lived memory? 

He runs his hand through my back and it’s like

Electrical wires going through my body and it turns on 

Something wonderful inside of it.

Whatever happened to our 

rut and miserable boredom for each other?

He wants me once again and I want only him. 

What did I do differently this time?

Poetry : Dreams

I wrote this poem in late 2007 when I was depressed about my life. Again, instead of going to therapy, I just wrote a poem about it. Lol.

Tainted dreams 

of life is what

I have left.

A career of abstract 

nothingness lies

before me. 

Chaotic and sensitive off springs

I must put before me.

Frigidity and

senility in my

marital bed lie

next to me. 

Is this it? Is this 

what is left 

of my 

foolish childhood dreams.

Scattered dreams

in my past 

become failures

of my present.

Will my soul

ever recuperate

from the cost?

Will I ever be that

hopeful again?

Poetry: Reborn

I wrote this in late 2007 as I reflecting about my life and how much I had changed.

The nostalgic ocean

reminds me of

everything that 

I’ve lost.

Former flames, former friends

swept in a 

wave from under me.

My former self

died in that wave.

When the wave

came back…

I was stronger 

and better.

I was reborn again.

Poetry: Long Ago

I wrote this poem about my husband in 2006 when we were in a rut of routine and being parents. I remember thinking how hard it was at the time to reconnect with him.

Long ago…

Passion was lost

Where did it go?

What has it turned into?

Perhaps into comfortable feelings

Of gratitude and friendship

And boring things like that

But how can we find once again?

The long lost passion 

That we once had. 

Poetry: Lame

This is another poem about the bio dad of my oldest son. Obviously I had a lot of anger directed at him that I should have gone to therapy for but instead I just wrote a lot of angry poetry. Ha.

You don’t know him and chances are 

 You never will

You could’ve been somebody real in his life

But you BLEW IT! 

So now is the time to say 

Goodbye forever. 

Poetry: Ghost of Mamacita

I wrote this poem in 2018 shortly after the death of my maternal grandmother/mamacita. My grandmother lived in a time where her opportunities were very limited by society’s rules about what a woman should be.

The ghost of my grandmother 

  hangs above me 

Her spirit swallows and 

  Envelops me-

It tells me to live

  a life full of passion and love

Without self imposed boundaries

It tells me to stop 

 being afraid of my promise 

  and potential

  and takes risks and 

  Go for my dreams

  No matter how many 

    obstacles stand in my way

It tells me that I only 

 have one life left to live

And I need to start 

living it fully instead

 of standing on the sidelines

Waiting for something or someone 

to rescue me

It tells me 

Stop waiting

Now it’s your turn

Poetry: The Difference

I wrote this in 2006 after I was reflecting my first years of being a mother to my eldest child who I had at 17. Becoming a mother at such a young age didn’t make me the best parent and at times I still tried to act my age and party a lot even though I was a parent. It used to eat me up inside but I’ve come to terms that I did the best I could under the circumstances.

me and my oldest in 1999 when I was 18

Late nights at the club

Drunk and dancing-you

Singing lullabies

Until he fell asleep-I

Getting ass from 

an unknown stranger-you

Looking for monsters under the bed

and wishing them away-I

Waking up in an unknown place

With a helluva hangover-you

Waking up from little hands 

Shaking my shoulders-I

You and I=me

Me =two different truths

About the way your childhood

 Was seen

Poetry: Rising

I wrote this in 2006 about my husband, then boyfriend. I tend to put a lot of my worth in the person I’m romantically involved with. This is another BPD trait.

Rising from darkness I struggle to find 

       the light in the oblivion

 that has become my life. 

The light is bright with love without conditions . 

The light tells me I’m good enough. 

The light is you. 

Poetry: Independence Day (a love poem)

I wrote this poem in the summer of 2019 when C had ghosted me for the millionth time and I thought that I was finally done with him and I was determined not to go back with him. Of course, that wouldn’t be the case. This relates to one of my BPD traits which is fear of abandonment. I think one of the reasons I kept letting him come back.

Me in the Summer of 2019 when I wrote this poem

I’m finally free 

Of the spell 

You have over me

I’m finally free

Of the butterflies 

I felt when I saw your text

I’m no longer blinded

By your callous ways

I will no longer tolerate

Your undercover mistreatment

I can no longer be part of

My continuing self destruction

I’ve learned to stay away

From the intensity of your gaze

I’ve learned to love myself enough

To stop holding on to your false love

I’ve learned to stop ruining my life..

Because of our connection?

Our chemistry?

Nah, it’s just bomb ass sex. 

I’ve learned that my self worth 

Can’t be tied to you, my toxic lover

My self worth

Is tied into my self love

Into loving the best parts 

And the worst parts of me

But most of all I’ve learned 

That no amount of orgasms

Or passionate kisses

Or sparks 

Are worth me agonizing 

Once again

If I’m good enough

Poetry: Deceptive Lust

I wrote this in July of 2019 about “C” and it was inspired by the crazy and intense chemistry me and him share. For a long time, I had convinced myself that it was love but it really wasn’t. It’s more like before him and even after, I’ve never met anyone that’s ever matched my sexual energy like he does.

me in July 2019

Lust is temporary happiness 

 Disguised as love

The adrenaline rushes to your brain 

And make you thinks it’s the real deal

So you trap yourself 

In a dream that you don’t want 

To wake up from 

You delude yourself into thinking 

This is love

You delude yourself into thinking

He’s the one

Who’ll fill up your days and nights

All because he can push certain pleasure buttons 

In your body that makes you

Explode in happiness 

Lust oh lust is beautiful, terrible, 

And deceitful thing   

Reflection: Mr.Toxic is well not Toxic

So it’s no secret if you have been reading my blog that I have been calling the guy that I’ve been involved in a tumultuous situationship with- TOXIC. Most of the time, when I describe him to people, I talk about him being terrible, bad, and Toxic. Now, I’m not excusing his behavior that at times has been detrimental to me and has made me feel unsafe BUT I realized the other day-he’s just a person. He’s a person with many issues and trauma. I had this tendency to blame him  for a lot of my issues instead of taking accountability for my part in our toxic situationship.  I really had to look at myself in an honest way and I realize how easy it is to blame him or make him the villain of our tumultuous situationship. It was easy to write all of this poetry and these journal entries about him about how he treated me like shit. What has not been easy is admitting my own part. Admitting that I had my own toxic patterns and  issues that I brought to our situationship. That  he really showed me who he was at first and instead of really seeing him,I did what I almost always do in relationships;I fell in love with his potential and for the person I wanted him to be. He has ghosted me and  broken communication with me so many times and that shit hurt my soul.  However, I’ve also lied to him and gone crazy on him more times than I can count. I’ve gone to his house for the sole purpose of yelling at him and  I lied to him for a year and a 1/2 about the fact that I was in another relationship. And he’s forgiven me time again and time again. I’m not proud or saying that I deserve the shitty way he’s treated but I have to admit that I’ve been almost equally as shitty to him. 

 I would also complain that he’s an alcoholic but guess who often brought him the beer . It was me, I was the enabler. So while it would still be easy to call him toxic or bad I really don’t think he deserves that title. I think that like most of us he’s trying to do his best with his issues and sometimes that best can look shitty to other people. And I don’t want people to think I’m idolizing him. I think that I’m really taking a hard honest look at myself and at him at this point. I’m trying to make sense and find peace with this situation with him. There is an appeal of going back to him continually and while it has to do with this intense chemistry and the amazing and mind blowing sex; it has to do with much more than that. The other night when I saw him he told me he felt like he didn’t belong anywhere and it’s strange how much I relate to that. Also, we both get how dark we can be, how irrational and crazy we both can be and it doesn’t scare either of us away. We just accept that part without promises or expectations of anything that resembles a relationship or commitment to each other. The other night we both agreed we possibly won’t ever be ready for a relationship with each other or with other people. We both feel too damaged beyond repair to ever be of any good to anyone in a romantic way. I used to hate myself for caring about him,  or going back to him BUT I’m done doing that. It’s been a long and hard 3 year journey to get here: peace and acceptance.  Instead, I forgive him and myself for past wrongs and learn to enjoy the fun and crazy times we share.  Or as my mom says, live for the moment. With him, it really is living life on the borderline.  

us in late 2018

Poetry: She Flew

I wrote this poem in February of 2006 when my mother in law passed away suddenly. I knew for a short time but she was one of the most gracious and kindest individuals I ever met.

She flew one afternoon without warning

To a place unknown 

Why did she have to fly?

Was it really her time?

And now everyone left behind 

has  puddles dripping from their eyes

Why did she have to fly?

Was it really her time?

Regrets and remorse

Have become our two worlds

Why did she have to fly?

Was it really her time?

No fancy words could ever express

How it feels to lose your best

Why did she have to fly?

Was it really her time?

Poetry: Don’t

I wrote this poem 2002 and it was yet another poem inspired by the bio dad of my oldest child. For many years. I had so much unresolved rage and anger about how he abandoned my son and used poetry as a way to process it.

Don’t even try to understand me

You don’t even know me

I was born with your DNA

But to you, I have nothing to say

I once was a babe, a boy

And now a man

Don’t pretend to give a damn

I’ve done grown up to become

A man unlike you that doesn’t run

No thanks to you “Dad” 

You left I was a mere lad 

So please go on on your way

I can’t stand the sight of you

Another day