So I wrote this poem in January of 2004 when I was dating my husband and maybe I was foreshadowing my future with him (sort of-haha). I think that maybe I was paranoid he had someone else at the time because he was such a private person. Reflecting on this now is kind of strange because I was the one that ended up with the indiscretions. I was 22 when I wrote this and I have I think that this is a good example of “splitting” meaning that I went to black and white thinking about him.
I wrote this in January of 2003 about John. Maybe he tried to come back to be an FWB and I got mad and that’s what inspired this poem.
Why do you continue to be such an asshole to me? With your pathetic games you make yourself look lame You expect me to sit around and wait for you whenever it’s fucking convenient for you but I guess this is my fault for letting us almost fuck So now I have to tell you something I will no longer be your fucking fling So start to forget that we ever met Go on your merry away and stay away for i am lot more than an on call whore
I wrote this in January of 2003 about John. I’m telling y’all when I get obsessed with someone I’m like the mild version of Joe Goldberg.
You had no clue How I felt about you Because you were too hard headed to put us through the relationship test because you wanted to be free Instead of wasting your time on me It’s really sad But I’ll have the last laugh Because one day you’ll realized I could’ve been your ultimate prize But now it’s too late for you have offended your fate
I wrote this 20 years ago on November 1st right before the great breakup of 2001. I wish I could say that I get over breakups quicker now but that would be a lie. After fights or breakups with partners, I seem to always go back to the girl I was in my teens and 20s. My brain is wired that way and I’ve accepted it. It’s something called age regression that shows up in people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Fear of abandonment is so severe that some of us will feel like we are literally dying after a breakup. Some of us will stop eating, some of us will sleep for days, some of will self harm or have suicidal ideation. With each breakup, I’ve noticed I’ve acquired healthier coping mechanisms. Nowadays, I’ve learned to listen more to what I need in order to heal than what doing what I used to do to escape the pain of heartbreak. My method now is cut off all contact with the ex, exercise, write a LOT and do loads of self care. I’m careful not to fall into any quick escapes from my feelings like going on tinder and trying to find someone new. Do I think I will ever get better at accepting a breakup like a normal person? I don’t know but I hope so.While I’m thankful for all of the inspiration and growth that comes from every breakup ;it’s also very overwhelming, exhausting and draining at times.
You showed up unexpectedly in my life Like a pleasant surprise Calling and seeing me every day Making me dinner and leaving me roses on my dashboard I thought “finally, the one has come” Suddenly all of those nice things started becoming scarce The dinners, the roses, seeing me became non-existent Even talking to you on the phone has become too much of a bother of you I’m no fool, I know exactly where this doomed thing is headed Pretty soon you’ll give me some lame excuse As to why “we” can no longer be And my heart will shatter into pieces yet again There will be nothing left to say I’ll just realize once again You’re just like every other fool
I wrote this on January 1st, 2003 about this dude that I hooked up with a week prior. I was upset about John and of course wanted to escape from my feelings of rejection. So I started once again seeking validation from men and ended up hooking up with some guy from the bar.
The night I met you I was drunk and blue Because of that impossible love Who said I wasn’t good enough So I decided to drink my pain away and then you came my way With your charming and smooth manner I should’ve known you were a player But you told me everything That I wanted to believe in How you had never met anyone like me And that you wanted us to be It sound almost too good to be true But i was feeling lonely too So i decided to give in to you Afterwards you promised to call But instead you went awol And many days later I sit here In a river of foolish tears Wondering why why why I always fall for the same false lines
I wrote this in January of 2003 about John. Guess I was still mad at the rejection I felt when he ghosted me.
If I was nothing more Than another girl Why couldn’t you have been straight Instead of acting in an enamored way And made me really believe You truly care for me but I should have known all along that you’d be the same jerk song Hopefully one day I’ll learn to stop taking all you crooked turns
I wrote this in December of 2002. Towards the end of the year, I was depressed abotu dating and romance. I hated feeling like I was always just used for fun, objectified, and then discarded like trash. .
Now that I know That between us Can me nothing more Than a story of pure lust I feel so dumb And wonder once again If it’s possible to go numb From all of the jerks that are so damn lame You fucking jerks that don’t want to see past Me being a great piece of ass And I ask myself these questions What does it take for someone like me? To find someone that will make me happy To find someone who doesn’t use me just for fun But maybe it’s okay Maybe this is just my fate
I wrote this in 2019 when I was reflecting about the way men have often objectified in a way thatthey almost always seem to just want the fun and sexy part of me but seem to often have problems seeing the rest of me. I’ve almost always felt like I’ve been good enough to be their lover but never good enough to be introduced to their mother. Do I still feel this way? I honestly don’t know. I like the attention and validation I get from men because of my looks but sometimes it feels so hollow.
I wrote this poem in December of 2002 cause well dating sucks and it’s still timely. Haha.
I hate playing this stupid game Called dating Trying to decide Which move to make So you can have him at checkmate It’s no longer about falling in love Or even real feelings But it’s about winning So if sit here wanting to hear hisvoice I don’t dare give in to this yearning To want to call him Because then they’ll almost be winning
I wrote this about John in 2002 when he ghosted me. I really liked him so I was really sad. Feelings of worthlessness came up and it was hard to not feel so shitty.
Our love has ended I know There’s nothing more to say To make you stay We were too different, you said I guess I was just too damn naive To think someone like you Could fall in love with an ordinary girl like me
Today is National Getting Over It day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate it than by sharing my ANGRY AF playlist. A huge part for me getting over something tragic in my life is to get angry. And when I get angry, it’s almost like a volcano eruption. This is actually pretty healthy for me because I’ve felt that at times, anger has saved me from feeling all of my sadness at once which for me can get really overwhelming right away. I can even say that Anger has probably saved me from spiraling into an abyss of sadness that would be hard to crawl out of. In other words, anger has helped me survive whatever trauma has come my way. I used to be so ashamed of being angry because of how it would turn me into the most self absorbed and reactive person. I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve learned how to better manage my anger. Instead of drinking or hooking with random dudes because I’m angry; I exercise or write while I listen to music. Most of the songs in this list are geared more towards someone going through a breakup because that is when my anger comes out the most. Thanks, BPD. Lol. In bold are my favorite songs from this list.
For the Brokenhearted: I’m ANGRY AF Edition (the only where you scream out the lyrics):
FUCK YOU, GOODBYE-The Kid LAROI , Machine Gun Kelly
SELFISH-The Kid LAROI
SAME ENERGY- The Kid Laroi
good 4 u-Olivia Rodrigo
Cute Without the “E” (Cut from the Team)-Taking Back Sunday
Sugar, We’re Going Down-Fall Out Boy
Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today-Fall Out Boy
The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes-Fall Out Boy
Better Than Revenge -Taylor Swift
You Oughta Know-Alanis Morissette
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together-Taylor Swift
Stronger Than Me-Amy Winehouse
Death by a Thousand Cuts-Taylor Swift
Look What You Made Me Do-Taylor Swift
Your Name Hurts-Hailee Steinfeld
Great Romances of the 20th Century-Taking Back Sunday
Lying Is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Her Clothes Off- Panic! At the Disco
BEST FOR ME-The Kid LAROI
I Bet You Think About Me-Taylor Swift
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things-Taylor Swift
Head Club-Taking Back Sunday
Screaming Infidelities-Dashboard Confessional
Sue Me-Sabrina Carpenter
Below are links to the playlist for your listening pleasure:
I wrote this about John in 2002 after he ghosted me after taking me to see his mom. His mother didn’t approve of me-an uneducated single mom. It was rough and of course I took it personally. So John fell off my pedestal and it was a long fall.
Perhaps you feel too smart to let someone as ordinary as me into your heart Perhaps you think I’m not good enough to be deserving of your love Perhaps you are only sure I’m just good for pleasure Perhaps you wear a know it all smirk And believe I’m just like any other girl Perhaps you believe in your head I’m only good to warm up your bed But darling I’m sorry to say You won’t get your way Because I respect myself too much To let myself melt with your touch Because I am worth a lot more than any of your trophy whores Because I have an actual mind Without you I’ll be just fine But mostly because I would never fall For someone so extremely false
I wrote this about Matt in 2002. He stopped contacting me after his visit in November and I was beyond pissed. So I did what I normally did after feeling rejected and abandoned, I devalued him to the point that he became dead to me.
You’ve become dead to me That day, you decided to leave And again decided to forget Everything you had said That you’d try your hardest To give us your best That you’d love to Be there for us on cue That we really are special And pain on us wouldn’t befall But once again, I was wrong You sing the same deadbeat song But thankfully, this time, I was prepared For you to once again fail So don’t ever come back And pretend to be sad Because you’ve become nothing to us When once again, you left us in the dust
I wrote this in late 2002. It was about a coworker I was crushing on. I think this was thecoworker that I left a love note for under his windshield wiper. Yeah, that was one of my cringiest/most Joe Goldberg like moment. Haha.
I got the short end of the stick When you were the one my heart picked For I know how you feel You and me could never be real What you don’t know is that Even though I’m not a doormat I would do almost anything for you Even if it meant dying for you You probably don’t even notice How much I long for just one kiss It would send me into a universe of happiness Too bad you don’t think I’m the best You may not know me But you’ve already judged me It’s so hard to discard of the notion That we’ll never share a love emotion You’ll be my discarded crush The one I will forever lust
Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John cuando el me rechazo. Estaba bien enfadada.
Óyeme cuando te digo Que ya no te amo Me hiciste mucho daño Por eso se acabo Este doloroso cuento de amor En que no supiste Apreciar todo lo bueno que te quise ofrecer Quizás tu pensarías Que yo era demasiado sencilla