The first and last time I tried to die I tried to get everything right I wrote letters to my loved ones and swallow each pill one by one All that was easy enough but really dying was tough Something inside me was too stubborn And sent one last text out to a friend who alerted my husband Between her and him, I never reached my end but in that moment I understood the suicidal writers and poets Living is exhausting,living is agonizing I yearned for the sweetness of death to take away my mediocre breath But the universe or God had other plans And today I finally understand Living is painful,living is terrible But living is also beautiful and really living is admirable
Faith found me one day and told me to keep going when I didn’t want to Faith made me believe in GOD when I wanted to fall into the abyss of depression Faith held me as I cried endless tears of my about my latest life’s catastrophe Faith loved me when I couldn’t love myself Faith brought me people who believed in me When I couldn’t believe in myself Faith decided to one day bring it’s accomplice HOPE
My heart blooms like a flower in the spring taking in the beauty of everything I’m no longer so angry and feel a freedom to just be I take things in stride and no longer feel the need to fight Is this what healing looks like?
Today is the last day of my self imposed break from social media and alcohol for Lent and while I thought it would be hard to give up these things for 40 days; it was easier than I thought. My decision came out of concern for my mental health when once again I was depressed, anxious and started using threads my personal diary as I drank. Here’s a link to my messy threads account:
drinking German beer about to post some nonsense on threads…lol
Also, since the election, it’s been hard to be reminded every day that half the population kinda hates people like me but like so many of my friends, I felt like I needed to be informed of everything happening every single minute of the day. I thought it was important in order to keep myself and my family safe but this “need” started interfering very much with my mental health in ways that were terrible for me. I started getting triggered by posts and felt a great sense of paranoia (as if the world is out to get me) . I had also just been through a breakup in January that ended up being a lot messier than I thought at first and the constant barrage of information about all of the terrible things had me in a spiral for depression and anxiety constantly. I think I cried every week from January until the 3rd week of February while I wrote incredibly sad and depressing poetry that will probably stay between the pages of my journal. It was during this time, I also took my medical provider’s advice to up my dosage of Seroquel since I was having problems sleeping. All of this combined extended my emotional bandwidth again and again and until eventually it snapped. And I was about to snap and felt incredibly emotionally dysregulated to the point that my patience was incredibly low and I was snapping at people close to me. I knew I had to do something to get out of this downward spiral I was in. I had to identify what wasn’t helping me and that felt like social media and alcohol. So around the third week of February ,I uninstalled Instagram, tiktok, Threads, and Facebook. I still went to work and aside from my parenting/daughter duties, all I did was read and exercise after work for a week.
one the Amazing books of poetry I read that found me in a serendipitous way
I didn’t even turn on the TV that whole week. Needless to say, I felt much better by the end of the week. By the end of the week I also had a medical appointment with my medical provider and we talked about my how my new dosage of Seroquel wasn’t helping me and decided I had to go down to normal dose and that made a difference as well. That’s when I decided it would be a great idea to give up social media and alcohol for Lent as a type of reset for my nervous system and I’m glad I did. Now, I’ll be honest in saying that I have put a lot of that energy into my YouTube channel it has helped it grow a bit.
I’ve also been reading a lot of poetry blogs on WordPress which is always great and inspiring. And I think that in the month of March, I wrote an insane amount of poetry, like for the first 4 days in March, I wrote something like 100 poems. I’ve also been reconnecting with old friends I hadn’t seen in a while and still going to open mics.
open mic at Canopy Studio on March 27th
I’ve also watched tons and tons of Latin American Classic Movies on youtube. I don’t know how to compare this time period except for the time one of my kids infected me with lice and I was miserable and had to slowly delouse my hair and it tooks hours and hours but afterwards, I felt so incredibly relieved that I was able to do it and got to keep my hair cause lord knows I am vain and I don’t look good with short hair. Anyways, in this case, we’ll say the lice were like all of those social media posts that kept reminding me the world was burning, people were terrible or fake, and of course, the social media posts that brought up feelings of envy and jealousy and of course, anger. I was becoming infected by this algorithm that became incredibly unhealthy to my mental health. And also, I was paranoid all of the time if I was being judged by my posts since I tend to over post and overshare. I was starting to care a little too much as to how I was being perceived. So I needed to delouse my mind by giving that up along with alcohol. It has helped my mental health so much and I’m able to regulate my emotions so much better now than I have been in a long time.
this time served to reconnect with my friend from college
This time period has also been good for introspection into how much I want to make social media a part of my life because I think there are benefits for it. I’ve been able to find a creative community both local and online through social media. Also, I’ve used it to share my poetry and to promote my blog and other writing projects. Social media can also be used to uplift one another as well, and hype the people in your life. And to an extent, it’s been good to share life updates but not the way I was abusing it by posting several selfies in one week. God, I knew it was a problem when one of my aunts mentioned it to me at my grandmother’s funeral in 2018. I remember how embarrassed I was when she told me but I kept on posting shamelessly. Now, that I’m at my big age of 45, I think I’ll post selfies or life updates sparingly. I think as I get older, I want to be a bit more private about my life. I also need to be mindful because I have parents, kids, and a state job I do want to keep. It’s like that old Spanish saying my Mami has always tells me, “Eres amo de lo que callas, y esclavo de lo que dices” which translates into, “you are the master of what you keep quiet and slave of what you share”.
at the end of my time away, I feel so much better
links to amazing poetry books I’ve read:
Follow my Goodreads Account for more book recommendations.
As far as movie recommendations, here’s my letterboxd account y’all can check out and follow.
If failure was a task I would be the poster girl for it I’m a failure at love, I’m a failure at life, I am a failure at Being Human but all of these are thoughts of the past me the new me doesn’t see herself as a failure or that she has ever failed at life she sees failure as a stepping stone and learning curve the new me sees herself as a winner of life and not the loser of 1 because she never gave up or didn’t give in or because she’s a resilient queen
When I open my eyes,I whine and grunt Another day where I whine,whine, whine Working to live? Or living to work? I can’t remember which is better Living is really just guesswork Maybe today I won’t feel so much anger Perhaps I should find hope in this new day Instead of living in doom and gloom Maybe the darkness will stay away Or I’ll cry at work in the bathroom again
longing to escape responsibility of my suburban life I became 21 again and did drugs and fucked stranger men I never meant any harm, I just wanted to know what it was like to not be looked at as someone’s mother, someone’s wife
in total darkness I fell for a while for a year I didn’t listen to music For a year I don’t remember being a mom and while I still function and went to work Several years later I realize how I had forgotten all about the darkness I had fallen in a while ago my mind blocked it in an attempt to move on in an attempt to heal
me manifesting that one day I’ll be holding a book with my stories
middle age me is not seeking revenge on all who caused me trauma I’m simply trying to make sense of the fuckery that happened to me I’m simply trying to address the unhealed trauma that still lies within me and haunts me in my dreams I’m trying to process and understand that I never deserved any of it I’m trying to get rid of that shame and guilt I’ve carried from it and while sometimes that looks vindictive I’m sorry but the only way to my journey in healing work is through uninhibited storytelling
the empty wineglass sits at the edge of the coffee table after I’ve written another poem about you it needs to be refilled so my mind gets tired of being inspired by the memory of you
I wrote this in January of 2022 when I was depressed.
honestly
I welcome death to take me away tonight- death must be better than the anger that has made an eternal home in me death must feel better than this emptiness that lies in my heart death has to be better than this sorrow that floods my pillow with tears continuously death would be better than my emotions that threaten to consume me
grief found me on a sunday night in the shower and cried all of the tears I had been bottling up since my uncle’s passing lately it feels like life is running through my hands and there’s not enough time to do everything I want there’s not enough time to make an impact, an imprint on this earth lately I feel like a footnote just existing on the edge of life, of love
winter comes with the iciest winds and everything inside me freezes and I fawn is this what they call seasonal depression yet it’s much more than that it’s a “what’s the point” status it’s a “I’m looking forward for this day to be over as soon as I wake up”- my bed becomes my church, my family, my community where I find comfort in not thinking, in ignoring the noise of the world winter comes with the iciest winds and it’s hard to function but yet I do and I feel like a fictional character playing my part in a society fueled by greed and capitalism
can’t shake the stink of death and while I know it’s inevitable and I need to radically accept it it still doesn’t soften the explosion of grief that follows and leaves me wrecked it still follows me everywhere I go perhaps this will be the biggest lesson of 2025 to spend time with my loved ones while they’re still here instead of waiting until it’s too late and live in regret while we drown in condolences and eulogies
So I had planned on writing this blog post early this month around mid December for my blogging anniversary but life and depression got in the way along with the most chaotic holiday season. I remember last year, I had all of these big plans to rebrand myself into something that has to do less with my mental illness and more to do with who I am as a writer and storyteller but it didn’t happen and tbh, I don’t when and if it will. In fact, I didn’t know that the payment on this website was up for renewal until the morning it happened and oh, boy, was that a bit of a surprise to my bank account but I took it as a sign to keep going with this thing however I can. So for now, it will remain with the same name, same storytelling format and same brand of crazy. I hope to go back to more poetry reviews and more blog posts about mental health and writing but we’ll see. I am proud of myself for keeping this blog going and that I have done this for 14 years and I’ve done it consistently for the past 4 years. Here’s the update from last year.
I think one reason, I keep this thing going is because this blog and writing in general grounds me in a way nothing can when the world feels beyond chaotic and I feel like the earth is going to swallow me whole that makes me want to give up. This year has been good in many ways and I’ll get to that part in a bit but I have to be honest for a bit about how bad my mental health got. It got to a rock bottom that I haven’t been in years. There were many factors that contributed to this and just extenuating life circumstances and kept dog piling on and on until my brain broke for a bit . Let’s also take into account that I am working class Latina immigrant living in America who’s constantly living in a state of hypervigilance worried for my family’s safety. Also, as the main provider of my household, I feel all of the pressure on top of me to mask, mask, mask even as I’m breaking. Like my mom would say, “a mal rato, buena cara” which translates to “put on a brave face for a bad time” or something like that. I try my best to do this mostly for other people’s benefit because duh, no one wants to be around a depressed bitch cause it’s just such a buzzkill. And while, yes, I could seek out help such as therapy or get better meds;however, lack of financial resources and time prevents me from doing this. Also, lately, I question whether that’s needed since I feel like I’ve even been able to dig myself out of my rock bottoms of depression with the coping skills already acquired. As of now, I’m okay for the most part, my life isn’t bad; it just that my brain chemistry is a little fucked at times. I just wanted to write a bit about my great depression of 2025 because I’ve always been honest and candid about my mental health in this blog. It’s part of my story this year that can’t be ignored especially when I plan blog content for November and December of this year. Below is a video of me looking ugly and depressed in November talking about how I got comfort from couch rotting while watching Mexican Classic Movies as I planned blog content for April:
Now, that we’ve talked about the hard part of this year; let’s move on the good and joyous things that have happened in my life. I got hip surgery in late January of last year and it’s been life changing not to live with chronic hip and knee pain. My three kids are thriving and doing good. My parents moved closer to me and they’re now 10 minutes away which is a godsend. I decided to submit to Magazines and literary journals and I’ve been published more than a few times. Here’s a link to my publications :
This has been a part of my dream come true for me that’s filled me with a sense of accomplishment and contentment. I’ll add that I have encountered way more than my fair share of rejections and sometimes this is disheartening but I’m too stubborn a bitch to give up so I keep submitting. In June, I was the featured poet at Word of Mouth, a monthly poetry open mic event I’ve been going to since 2016. This is something I manifested last December in a virtual writing workshop. It’s still wild to me that it happened. Also ,I met someone in April through a dating app and I’ve been dating him. It’s been nice and a bit complicated at times because well, I’m still a bit of a hot mess when it comes to relationships. I won’t say much except that it has inspired all types of poetry. So, while, yes my mental health has been a dumpster fire at times; good things still happened to me this year .
me on 1/1/2026 with my ponytail in the wind
Anyways, here is where I thank my followers and anyone who has followed my brand of crazy for years. This is incredibly encouraging to me and I am beyond humbled anytime I get a like, a comment, and a new follower. When I started blogging consistently 4 years ago cause I was a sad, enraged, jealous, vindictive, heartbroken and insane bitch with a story to tell; I’d never imagine anyone would like my brand of crazy or resonate with it . I’d never imagined that something simple like this blog would mold me into the writer and woman I wanted to be and 4 years later, I’d sitting here tons better than where I started. I want to add that I’m also on other social media platforms and here’s my page for that and also, I’m always open to collaborations or featuring your poems, your stories, your articles on my blog :
Life on the BPD 