My diagnosis doesnβt define me, It empowers me, it makes sense of my nonsense Iβm not crazy or chaotic or even hard to love Iβm a dream come true wrapped up in complexity sure at times I feel like a nightmare But donβt all of us get rough at times So whoever gets scared and runs away from me Sorry not sorry, Iβm too much and youβre just not enough
I wrote this in March of 2022 for World Bipolar Day.
I wear the stigma of a bipolar diagnosis and hide this big secret This secret has been a part of me since my teens This secret explains my sometimes uncontrollable insanity This secret at times robs me of my sleep This secret has taken me on many fun and lustful adventures This secret makes me write, write, write so I donβt want to die, die, die I keep this secret and take medication for it But one day, Iβll scream out loud my mental health truth Iβm bipolar 2 Iβm not enough to ruin your life but just enough to fuck it up a little at a time
Thanks to learning about my BPD Iβm finally free to be me There is a reason for my numbness and for why Iβm such an emotional mess Genetics and trauma played a part for me constantly falling apart There is a reason for my impulsivity and for why I distort reality There is a reason for men running away from me when I go from being sweet to being crazy And now that I know I have BPD I can conquer the world of DBT I hope that after Iβm more calm And stop going off like a bomb Hopefully I have more control over my emotions And there will no longer be hysterical explosions
quisiera ser una maga para que te olvides de mi para que nunca hubiese existido en tu vida porque me odio por haberte causado un mundo de dolor pero no vivimos en un cuento de hadas
Vivimos en una realidad dura donde soy incapaz de decirte algo para que tu dolor sea mΓ‘s fΓ‘cil para superar lo ΓΊnico que puedo hacer es rezar por ti, desearte lo mejor, y esperar que algun dia encuentres el valor para empezar denuevo con alguien que te sepa amar
I never needed anyone to teach me how to love what I needed was understanding and acceptance while my love is kind and sweet most of the time my love also cannot be tamed at times when it gets wild and out of control it’s better to just ride the big wave of it until it is tamed and soft again it wasn’t that I didn’t know how to love It’s just that most donβt know how to handle it my kind of overwhelming love is a crazy kind of love it will hurt you, challenge you and bring conflict it will make you want to slap the shit out of me because yes it’s that intense but my kind of of love is always worthy
maldito sea por pensar que era una santa y colocarme en un pedestal la mujer de cual te enamoraste fue un mito de cuatro meses todo estaba bien con nosotros mientras me callaba no soportaba tus gritos que yo era una estΓΊpida, una loca que siempre estaba equivocada Entonces aprendΓ a ser lo que querΓas una princesa sin una opiniΓ³n pero no podΓa seguir con esta farsa me estaba matando adentro guardar todo que era importante en mi tuve que escoger entre tu y yo y me escogi a mi no te estoy pidiendo perdΓ³n o comprensiΓ³n no mas te estoy dando la razΓ³n por terminar nuestro cuento de amor
Iβm tired of the bustle and hustle that comes with my social status and the color of my skin Why wasnβt I raised with privilege and wealth instead of being raised with poverty and trauma? And I try and I try and I try to find a way out of this cruel existence but itβs futile I take pride in my never ending hustling but at times it feels so exhausting There seems to no end in sight for this fruitless fight
C.E Hoffmanβs chapbook collection Blood, Booze and Other Things in Nature is definitely a must read if you like your poetry vulnerable and thought provoking . This collection is raw and in your face and doesnβt shy away from telling you the harsh truth about the world but the poet does in a way thatβs witty and full of dark humor. The poet addresses complex issues of mental health, love, sex, parenthood, and poverty. They address the inequalities that hit you in the gut and make you question the status quo.. Iβve never read a poetry collection like this before. Iβll talk about 4 poems from the book that I really liked. Their poetry feels like thoughts Iβve had that I have been too afraid to write down; much less share with the world.
The first poem is βBloom (Blow Job) βand I really liked how this poem transitioned from giving a blowjob to other things in the poetβs life. I interpreted as things to talk about or are talked about after a blowjob. The line in this poem that really resonated with me was βyou wipe spit from your cheek when/your lover says it was the hardest they came in their life, and/you believe them β(Hoffman). Iβve had this said to me quite a few times and my friend has as well. It’s a common line that men say to their partners/flings. Yes, MEN, we do talk about these things.
Another poem that resonated with me was βMagnificent Shitsβ in which the poet talks about how they imagine their unborn child to be like and how much they already love them . I resonated with this poem because as a parent myself, Iβve had similar thoughts. I resonated with the lines, βBut no matter where you go/forever drives your soul/YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE that shits and smiles and needs and creates and kisses/explores and speeds β(Hoffman). These capture that feeling of loving your child and acknowledging their humanness.
Another poem I really liked from this collection is βPrenatal Yoga aka Relearning Breathβ. It deals with complex issues of βpassingβ and even deals with the poet dealing with privilege. The line that I really liked from this poem was, βAnd I know itβs strange to find peace in a space of appropriation/βcause 8 outta 9 of our faces are white/ so when it comes to βpassingβ/ I really canβt talk, can I? β(Hoffman) As a woman of color whoβs spent most of her time in predominantly white spaces, I understand this sentiment of feeling like an βotherβ or βout of placeβ. Often at times, I try to blend in and 9 out of 10 times, I am able to without incident. However, there is that 10 % where I feel uncomfortable because something unintentionally prejudiced is said or a wrong assumption is made about me.
New Moon in Cancer (Radical Honesty 101) was my favorite poem in this book. I interpreted this poem as the anxiety of the poet written in verse. I loved how honest Hoffman is in addressing everything that goes through their mind openly talking about their mental health, relationships, and what itβs like to be a writer in todayβs environment of instagram, twitter, etc. One of my favorite lines from this poem was, βI donβt believe in The One./Iβve initiated most of my break-ups, cheated on basically/even in open relationships-/Shit. Maybe I just suck at this.β )Hoffman. I feel like Hoffman basically describes almost all of my romantic relationships and the thoughts I have about that part of my life. Examining and deconstructing my relationships this past year, Iβve often thought, βman, maybe I just suck at this, let me quit while I havenβt slashed anyoneβs tires yetβ(haha). The other line that I really liked from this poem was “Honestly Iβm sick of wanting to get better, dying to be better, trying to do better than whatever I am or canβ (Hoffman). Being in this recovery journey from my BPD feels like that sometimes. I have a strict routine I adhere to, read so many books about BPD, monitor my moods and honestly, it gets tiresome at times. Like Hoffman, I get sick of trying to βbe betterβ and I often wonder when I can stop being so vigilant and rigid in everything I do. When can I say I’m finally better and can stop doing so much?
Blood, Booze, and other things in Nature is definitely the poetry collection for you if youβve ever felt like a pariah, like an outcast, like an outsider in this world that tries to tone you down for being too crazy, too loud, and too bizarre for it. Reading this poetry collection is the medicine you need for that beautiful and chaotic soul of yours that refuses to conform to the norms and expectations of normalcy in this patriarchal society.
Below is a link to the book:
Don’t believe me? Here are other testimonials about the book and the author:
Praise for Blood, Booze, and Other Things in Nature:
This book resonates with anyone whoβs ever called a crisis line and had them respond, βOh wow thatβs a lot.β This chapbook isnβt a cocktail. Itβs a shot.
-Kit Stitches
This is no nipple-slip, no wardrobe malfunction. This is deliberate, personal exposure, revealing heart, head, and the wounds of living. The battle songs, the laments, and the healing gather here.
-Neil S Reddy
This collection is a dirty meditation, a longing for escape, an ecstatic fuck you to the traps and ties of societal expectation. A delightful, messy romp through the entrails of the heart.
-Nicole Morning
This is the kind of writing that inspires fandom.
-Alexandine Ogundimu, Filth Magazine
Praise for C E Hoffman:
C E Hoffman is a fearless writer.
-Jack Wang, author of We Two Alone and winner of the Danuta Gleed Literary Award
The human spirit remains fresh-voiced, optimistic and youthful in Hoffmanβs imaginative writing.
-Martin Millar, author of Lonely Werewolf Girl and winner of the World Fantasy Award
Hoffmanβs writing style reminds one of Burroughs at his most straightforward or Irvine Welsh at his strangest, but with a presentation dominated primarily by women and queer characters- a refreshing change in this particular milieu.β¦Hoffman is definitely a writer to watch for, and I look forward to what they give us next.
I’ve had many Muses in my 41 years some have stayed my kids, my co-parent, my chosen family some have used me as a temporary destination countless friends and lovers theyβve abandoned me or I’ve abandoned them but all who have stayed or gone have inspired me in writing my life’s story through poetry so to my past, present, and future muses I am forever grateful for inspiring the most amazing and crazy creativity without you all, I wouldnβt have anything worth writing about-
this year I lost myself in poetry to help with unexpected loss and grief to make sense of my nonsense and I discovered my voice And I discovered my brand of crazy and thereβs hardly a day that goes by without using poetry as therapy I no longer filter myself, I no longer judge myself I allow whatever swims in my mind to land on paper and sometimes it profound and great Sometimes itβs emotional and angry but most of the time it heals something within Maybe poetry should be my new lover because itβs always rescued me from my chaos of emotional instability