I wrote this in November of 2001 after “the great breakup” of that year. To say I was pissed is an understatement. I don’t even know if angry is a strong enough word to accurately describe what I was feeling after that breakup. LOL.
You two were made for each other
like the sun was made to be hot
to you i was just another new toy
to play with
but once the newness wore off
you decided to go back
your comfortable teddy bear
unfortunately old habits
are hard to break
I wrote this in December of 1997 about my oldest son’s father. I guess the night I write about in this poem was probably the night my son was conceived.
This is another poem related to that situation:
https://rejectingstagnationafter.wordpress.com/?p=1553
7 O’clock came and you were there
To pick me up from from work
My feet hurt
So you carried me to the car
You drove me to your home
And took me to your room
Your friends were there
we waited until they left
you put on some music
And we danced
And as our bodies swayed to the music
Your hands played with my body like an instrument
you had learned on master on the first try
They knew how to touch all of the right places
That sent wild shivers throughout my whole body
Clothes started to become undone
And were on the floor in a matter of minutes
we danced with our heated bodies as they longed to become whole
Para la version en Espanol:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/07/06/poesia-la-llave-especial/
This was one of the first poems I wrote in 1996 so I was 15. I didn’t realize then that I would always use writing as a way to process my many, many feelings after breakups. I also want to mention that this breakup of 1996 is the one that I mention in my other blog post :
A New Diagnosis: BPD
another related poem is this one:
Poetry: Another Mate
I sometimes wonder what went wrong
Was it you not telling me “I love you” just that one time
Or was it me and my wanting to have you all the time
Sometimes I get pissed
Wondering why I did that or this
Or maybe I couldn’t understand
If only you gave a damn
And even though it’s been a long time
And even though we’ve gone our separate ways
My love for you still hasn’t fade away
It still grows with each passing day
And even though it can never go back to how it use to be
You’ll always hold that special key
I wrote this in 1999 about ex. I’m not sure which ex this was about to be honest. Lol. I guess I was just feeling both nostalgic and super salty at the time.
I still love you
I don’t know why
I guess you were one of the few
I was proud to call my special guy
Or maybe you were the first one I was with
To give me that special gift
By loving me the way you did
You never made me feel like a little kid
But then she came
And to you I became
A thing of the past
That came and went by fast
But still I wish
You wouldn’t have met that bitch
Because I know
You wouldn’t have let me go
This was written in November of 2001 after a breakup. I think of 20 year old naive me that put her all of her trust into this guy who appeared to be a “nice guy” only to be deceived later on. I don’t remember how or when but suddenly I was writing all of these poems to process the anger after that deception. How I process things after a traumatic event has changed throughout the years but it has always involved writing.
At first I thought your love was sweet
You even had me at your feet
Then you did a 180 turn
And I finally learned
That you were the same old ugly song
Just another pathetic con
So my love turned into an ocean of hate
Of realizing way too late
How blind I had been to see
that you were only using me
And it burns me so bad
That you drove me into a quicksand of sad
And unfortunately I still remember
That loving and understanding was what we were
But you ruined that when you went to her
And that’s what caused “us” to go under
And I hope you and her were meant to be
Because you’ve seen the last of me
I am completely done
Waiting for the day you’ll come
Even though I may be lonely
I have to accept you’re just a bad memory
Now I have to go on
Hoping I won’t end up with
The same old ugly song
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 during a break from “C”. I think that during this break, I thought we were really done and I was super salty about it.
To the one that claimed to love me
I was yours, you had me
But you decided to dispose of me
I wrote poetry about you
Thinking your feelings were true
But my feelings, you made fun of
By claiming you felt love
You treated me like a barbie doll
And you told me over and over and over again
I love you
When your words should have been
I love fucking you
You claimed to not be “that guy”
Yet you almost made me want to die
You claimed to be different
But you turned out to be the same
Asshole man
You claimed I was the only one
But I was one of many you used for fun
You acted like you cared
You wore your lies well
And now that our lust filled
Fiasco is done
I still don’t regret that I was the one
Who loved you honestly, genuinely,
Purely-
And you blew your chance
At ever having me
You were a hard lesson to learn
And I was the girl
You weren’t ready for
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 about C when we were on another break. Thinking back on this period in my life when I would get so mad about him ghosting again and again and going back to him again and again feels so strange now. I don’t feel like the same person that wrote this.
We’re back here once again
You ghost, you ignore, you abandon
And I beg you to come back
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
I’m mad,I’m sad, I’m done
I’m finally almost recovered
From you-
Trying to forget you, mourning you,
Accepting you’re gone –
And then a text from you
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
Crying, writing, running
Each day it gets easier
Learning to forget you
But then, a “how are you”
Appears on my phone
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
Will you ever go away?
Am I always going to be this insane?
When will I get off from
Our merry go round of fuckery?
I wrote this about C. in the late summer of 2020 after we were yet on another break. I guess the sex really made me obsess over him.
I can’t turn my body off
From wanting you
Even if you make my heart blue
You take up space in my brain
Even when you bring me so much pain
Why does lust make me so blind?
You are my obsession
Even after your devastation
You show up in my dreams
I wish you didn’t exist
I wish there was a spell
To forget how you made me melt
I’m sure that time
Will make your memory fade
And will time
make me heal from
The experience of you
I just wish that time
Would speed up so that
You were only a distant memory
That I already learned to forget
I wrote this in 2001 after experiencing a really bad break up. Break ups tend not just break my heart but also make question my self worth. It’s really hard for me to get over someone especially if I get super attached to that person. In this case, I had been with the dude for like 2 months and I guess thought that maybe he was “the one”. Well that wasn’t the case when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. At least it inspired dozens and dozens of poems. Lol.
You make me feel like shit
and it’s breaking me bit by bit
I don’t know what to do
Knowing you love someone new
I feel so helpless
I’ve become such a big mess
and now seeing you and her
I see now that I was just another girl
I wrote this poem in the summer of 2019 when C had ghosted me for the millionth time and I thought that I was finally done with him and I was determined not to go back with him. Of course, that wouldn’t be the case. This relates to one of my BPD traits which is fear of abandonment. I think one of the reasons I kept letting him come back.
I’m finally free
Of the spell
You have over me
I’m finally free
Of the butterflies
I felt when I saw your text
I’m no longer blinded
By your callous ways
I will no longer tolerate
Your undercover mistreatment
I can no longer be part of
My continuing self destruction
I’ve learned to stay away
From the intensity of your gaze
I’ve learned to love myself enough
To stop holding on to your false love
I’ve learned to stop ruining my life..
Because of our connection?
Our chemistry?
Nah, it’s just bomb ass sex.
I’ve learned that my self worth
Can’t be tied to you, my toxic lover
My self worth
Is tied into my self love
Into loving the best parts
And the worst parts of me
But most of all I’ve learned
That no amount of orgasms
Or passionate kisses
Or sparks
Are worth me agonizing
Once again
If I’m good enough
So it’s no secret if you have been reading my blog that I have been calling the guy that I’ve been involved in a tumultuous situationship with- TOXIC. Most of the time, when I describe him to people, I talk about him being terrible, bad, and Toxic. Now, I’m not excusing his behavior that at times has been detrimental to me and has made me feel unsafe BUT I realized the other day-he’s just a person. He’s a person with many issues and trauma. I had this tendency to blame him for a lot of my issues instead of taking accountability for my part in our toxic situationship. I really had to look at myself in an honest way and I realize how easy it is to blame him or make him the villain of our tumultuous situationship. It was easy to write all of this poetry and these journal entries about him about how he treated me like shit. What has not been easy is admitting my own part. Admitting that I had my own toxic patterns and issues that I brought to our situationship. That he really showed me who he was at first and instead of really seeing him,I did what I almost always do in relationships;I fell in love with his potential and for the person I wanted him to be. He has ghosted me and broken communication with me so many times and that shit hurt my soul. However, I’ve also lied to him and gone crazy on him more times than I can count. I’ve gone to his house for the sole purpose of yelling at him and I lied to him for a year and a 1/2 about the fact that I was in another relationship. And he’s forgiven me time again and time again. I’m not proud or saying that I deserve the shitty way he’s treated but I have to admit that I’ve been almost equally as shitty to him.
I would also complain that he’s an alcoholic but guess who often brought him the beer . It was me, I was the enabler. So while it would still be easy to call him toxic or bad I really don’t think he deserves that title. I think that like most of us he’s trying to do his best with his issues and sometimes that best can look shitty to other people. And I don’t want people to think I’m idolizing him. I think that I’m really taking a hard honest look at myself and at him at this point. I’m trying to make sense and find peace with this situation with him. There is an appeal of going back to him continually and while it has to do with this intense chemistry and the amazing and mind blowing sex; it has to do with much more than that. The other night when I saw him he told me he felt like he didn’t belong anywhere and it’s strange how much I relate to that. Also, we both get how dark we can be, how irrational and crazy we both can be and it doesn’t scare either of us away. We just accept that part without promises or expectations of anything that resembles a relationship or commitment to each other. The other night we both agreed we possibly won’t ever be ready for a relationship with each other or with other people. We both feel too damaged beyond repair to ever be of any good to anyone in a romantic way. I used to hate myself for caring about him, or going back to him BUT I’m done doing that. It’s been a long and hard 3 year journey to get here: peace and acceptance. Instead, I forgive him and myself for past wrongs and learn to enjoy the fun and crazy times we share. Or as my mom says, live for the moment. With him, it really is living life on the borderline.
I wrote this poem 2002 and it was yet another poem inspired by the bio dad of my oldest child. For many years. I had so much unresolved rage and anger about how he abandoned my son and used poetry as a way to process it.
Don’t even try to understand me
You don’t even know me
I was born with your DNA
But to you, I have nothing to say
I once was a babe, a boy
And now a man
Don’t pretend to give a damn
I’ve done grown up to become
A man unlike you that doesn’t run
No thanks to you “Dad”
You left when I was a mere lad
So please go on on your way
I can’t stand the sight of you
Another day
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 when Mr.Toxic had once again ghosted me. I think so much of me was obsessed with him because of the chaos he brought into my life. Also, even though I hate to admit it, he brought so much inspiration to my life that I ended up writing over 50 pages of poetry/ mini stories about him. He was my muse for a while and I think I became addicted to him.
There once was a girl and she fell in love with the ocean. The ocean engulfed her with its salt smell, and the warmth of the water on late nights. The girl swam and swam, deeper and deeper into the ocean-loving it more each day. One day the ocean got tired of the girl and decided to make the biggest wave to throw her back to the land. When the girl woke on land, she was disoriented, confused, lost and hurt. She wondered if her late night swims had been a beautiful and hopeless dream. So a few weeks went by and the girl returned to her normal reality of her every day . She went through her normal routine even though her heart hurt-she slowly recovered from the crash of the ocean and just as she was almost to her normal self. The ocean decided to call her back again. At first, she couldn’t believe it-she thought her ears were deceiving her-but it was clear that the ocean wanted her to swim in it again-for whatever reason. The girl felt special and lucky and even though she was hesitant -she swam again in the ocean. This time -it was deeper and more intense. She felt at one with the ocean. She felt honored to learn all of its secrets and was completely enthralled by it. She was finally beginning to feel safe and so vulnerable she started to float and let the ocean carry her. All of a sudden the ocean got tired and threw her again-this time the crash was way more devastating . It felt like she couldn’t breathe at times. She knew that she should deal better since this had happened once before but this time she cried more than ever. She felt worthless and used in every sense of the word. She wondered what sin she had committed that the universe had handed her such unimaginable and tremendous pain. It was hard this time to get back to normalcy. It was hard for her to go about her day and not burst into tears because her poor heart would spasm when something brought back the memory of the ocean. And then the process repeated itself a few more times. It was more exhausting and devastating each time. It’s like she couldn’t learn and see how damaging the ocean was to her soul. Finally there was a time where it was so brutal the girl finally learned to tune out the ocean’s song and she never swam again.
I was standing on one side of a closed door and I heard a conversation that I will never forget. I remember being five years old and running such a high fever that my vision started to get blurry and I had a massive headache. I remember the loud whispering between my parents. My father wanted to take me to the hospital, my mother argued they couldn’t because it was too much money. It was something that my newly arrived immigrant family could not afford. I remember that was the first time I felt something extremely heavy within me. I didn’t know then what it was but it would be the first time of many times I would feel that guilt of being a burden to my parents. Eventually it would turn into a certain type of guilt that made me swallow words and feelings so I wouldn’t inconvenience anyone. I have carried this guilt within me throughout since I can remember.This is a quiet BPD trait. This trait would lead me to becoming a people pleaser later on in life. As I have gotten older, I’ve gotten more aware of this and have become more assertive in making my needs known and met. I’m still not where I want to be but at least I’m way better than I use to be.
Below are a couple of links about Quiet BPD:
https://themighty.com/2018/12/quiet-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-signs-child/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202107/what-is-quiet-bpd
I wrote this little gem of a cringy poem in 1996 when my ex boyfriend tried to get back with me when I was already in a relationship with another dude. Sad thing is that when I broke with the dude I was dating, I did go back to my ex and it was terrible. It would be a pattern of relationship choices that would follow into adulthood.
Why did you show up at such a bad time?
A time when I’m with someone who might be the one
Who is to me all the things you couldn’t be
I don’t want to hurt you but I feel nothing for you
And you might get pissed I need to say this
I don’t love you anymore,
So there’s the door
if you really love me so,you would let me go
For it’s too late, I’ve found my soulmate
Life on the BPD 