Poetry: Losing My Mind
I wrote this in November of 2001. It was of course about what I thought was the most horrible breakup of my life. Lol.
I’m losing my mind
Learning your promises were just false lines
Your love meant so much to me
I guess this means no anniversaries
I just couldn’t handle
When I got that infamous call
Especially when she had to say
That you had gone her way
And you had given away my hugs and kisses
You destroyed all of my innermost wishes
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Poetry: That Night
I wrote this poem about my oldest son’s dad about the night I met him. I was obviously infatuated right away as 16 year olds tend to be. He was 21 and I was 16 and that situation was really predatory but at that time, I didn’t think nothing of it.
That night
You took my sweaty hands into yours
And my heart started beating fast and furiously
That night
I looked into your sincere and beautiful brown eyes
And knew that you were for real
That night
You put your arms around me
And made everything seemed possible
That night
You kissed me gently
And worked your way up to my lips
That night
You professed your love to me
And made time stand still
That night
I found what I was looking for
In your arms, that night
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Aw..falling in love 🥰
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Poetry: Same Old Ugly Song
This was written in November of 2001 after a breakup. I think of 20 year old naive me that put her all of her trust into this guy who appeared to be a “nice guy” only to be deceived later on. I don’t remember how or when but suddenly I was writing all of these poems to process the anger after that deception. How I process things after a traumatic event has changed throughout the years but it has always involved writing.
At first I thought your love was sweet
You even had me at your feet
Then you did a 180 turn
And I finally learned
That you were the same old ugly song
Just another pathetic con
So my love turned into an ocean of hate
Of realizing way too late
How blind I had been to see
that you were only using me
And it burns me so bad
That you drove me into a quicksand of sad
And unfortunately I still remember
That loving and understanding was what we were
But you ruined that when you went to her
And that’s what caused “us” to go under
And I hope you and her were meant to be
Because you’ve seen the last of me
I am completely done
Waiting for the day you’ll come
Even though I may be lonely
I have to accept you’re just a bad memory
Now I have to go on
Hoping I won’t end up with
The same old ugly song
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Poetry: To the One Who Claimed to Love Me
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 during a break from “C”. I think that during this break, I thought we were really done and I was super salty about it.
To the one that claimed to love me
I was yours, you had me
But you decided to dispose of me
I wrote poetry about you
Thinking your feelings were true
But my feelings, you made fun of
By claiming you felt love
You treated me like a barbie doll
And you told me over and over and over again
I love you
When your words should have been
I love fucking you
You claimed to not be “that guy”
Yet you almost made me want to die
You claimed to be different
But you turned out to be the same
Asshole man
You claimed I was the only one
But I was one of many you used for fun
You acted like you cared
You wore your lies well
And now that our lust filled
Fiasco is done
I still don’t regret that I was the one
Who loved you honestly, genuinely,
Purely-
And you blew your chance
At ever having me
You were a hard lesson to learn
And I was the girl
You weren’t ready for
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Poetry: Merry Go Round of Fuckery
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 about C when we were on another break. Thinking back on this period in my life when I would get so mad about him ghosting again and again and going back to him again and again feels so strange now. I don’t feel like the same person that wrote this.
We’re back here once again
You ghost, you ignore, you abandon
And I beg you to come back
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
I’m mad,I’m sad, I’m done
I’m finally almost recovered
From you-
Trying to forget you, mourning you,
Accepting you’re gone –
And then a text from you
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
Crying, writing, running
Each day it gets easier
Learning to forget you
But then, a “how are you”
Appears on my phone
It’s our merry go round of fuckery
Will you ever go away?
Am I always going to be this insane?
When will I get off from
Our merry go round of fuckery?
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Breaking an addiction to someone is hard. 😥😭💔
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Poetry: My Bad Habit
I wrote this about C. in the late summer of 2020 after we were yet on another break. I guess the sex really made me obsess over him.
I can’t turn my body off
From wanting you
Even if you make my heart blue
You take up space in my brain
Even when you bring me so much pain
Why does lust make me so blind?
You are my obsession
Even after your devastation
You show up in my dreams
I wish you didn’t exist
I wish there was a spell
To forget how you made me melt
I’m sure that time
Will make your memory fade
And will time
make me heal from
The experience of you
I just wish that time
Would speed up so that
You were only a distant memory
That I already learned to forget
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Poetry: Another Girl
I wrote this in 2001 after experiencing a really bad break up. Break ups tend not just break my heart but also make question my self worth. It’s really hard for me to get over someone especially if I get super attached to that person. In this case, I had been with the dude for like 2 months and I guess thought that maybe he was “the one”. Well that wasn’t the case when I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time. At least it inspired dozens and dozens of poems. Lol.
You make me feel like shit
and it’s breaking me bit by bit
I don’t know what to do
Knowing you love someone new
I feel so helpless
I’ve become such a big mess
and now seeing you and her
I see now that I was just another girl
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Poetry: Independence Day (a love poem)
I wrote this poem in the summer of 2019 when C had ghosted me for the millionth time and I thought that I was finally done with him and I was determined not to go back with him. Of course, that wouldn’t be the case. This relates to one of my BPD traits which is fear of abandonment. I think one of the reasons I kept letting him come back.
I’m finally free
Of the spell
You have over me
I’m finally free
Of the butterflies
I felt when I saw your text
I’m no longer blinded
By your callous ways
I will no longer tolerate
Your undercover mistreatment
I can no longer be part of
My continuing self destruction
I’ve learned to stay away
From the intensity of your gaze
I’ve learned to love myself enough
To stop holding on to your false love
I’ve learned to stop ruining my life..
Because of our connection?
Our chemistry?
Nah, it’s just bomb ass sex.
I’ve learned that my self worth
Can’t be tied to you, my toxic lover
My self worth
Is tied into my self love
Into loving the best parts
And the worst parts of me
But most of all I’ve learned
That no amount of orgasms
Or passionate kisses
Or sparks
Are worth me agonizing
Once again
If I’m good enough
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Story: The Ocean
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 when Mr.Toxic had once again ghosted me. I think so much of me was obsessed with him because of the chaos he brought into my life. Also, even though I hate to admit it, he brought so much inspiration to my life that I ended up writing over 50 pages of poetry/ mini stories about him. He was my muse for a while and I think I became addicted to him.
There once was a girl and she fell in love with the ocean. The ocean engulfed her with its salt smell, and the warmth of the water on late nights. The girl swam and swam, deeper and deeper into the ocean-loving it more each day. One day the ocean got tired of the girl and decided to make the biggest wave to throw her back to the land. When the girl woke on land, she was disoriented, confused, lost and hurt. She wondered if her late night swims had been a beautiful and hopeless dream. So a few weeks went by and the girl returned to her normal reality of her every day . She went through her normal routine even though her heart hurt-she slowly recovered from the crash of the ocean and just as she was almost to her normal self. The ocean decided to call her back again. At first, she couldn’t believe it-she thought her ears were deceiving her-but it was clear that the ocean wanted her to swim in it again-for whatever reason. The girl felt special and lucky and even though she was hesitant -she swam again in the ocean. This time -it was deeper and more intense. She felt at one with the ocean. She felt honored to learn all of its secrets and was completely enthralled by it. She was finally beginning to feel safe and so vulnerable she started to float and let the ocean carry her. All of a sudden the ocean got tired and threw her again-this time the crash was way more devastating . It felt like she couldn’t breathe at times. She knew that she should deal better since this had happened once before but this time she cried more than ever. She felt worthless and used in every sense of the word. She wondered what sin she had committed that the universe had handed her such unimaginable and tremendous pain. It was hard this time to get back to normalcy. It was hard for her to go about her day and not burst into tears because her poor heart would spasm when something brought back the memory of the ocean. And then the process repeated itself a few more times. It was more exhausting and devastating each time. It’s like she couldn’t learn and see how damaging the ocean was to her soul. Finally there was a time where it was so brutal the girl finally learned to tune out the ocean’s song and she never swam again.
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Playlist: For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry)
This playlist that I will share is titled: “For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry). I don’t handle breakups very well. Actually, I handle them poorly and go kind of nuts. Music helps me cope with the multitude of emotions I have. This playlist is the kind of playlist you play out loud in your car or at home with your headphones as you write mediocre and sad poetry. This playlist is based on the disastrous and heart wrenching breakups I’ve had throughout my life. These are songs I go to when I’m feeling numb or the waves of sadness come. I’ve put in bold the ones that I like to put on repeat.
1.Wrong Direction-Hailee Steinfeld
2.Someone You Loved-Lewis Capaldi
3.Rest Stop-Matchbox 20
4.Dangerously- Charlie Puth
5.Don’t Speak-No Doubt
6.Goodbye to You-Michelle Branch
7.Stone Cold- Demi Lovato
8.Lose You to Love Me-Selena Gomez
9.Too Much to Ask- Niall Horan
10.River of Tears- Alessia Cara
11.The Night We Met- Lord Huron
12.What a Time-Niall Horan with Julia Michaels
13.White Flag- Dido
14.Consequences- Camila Cabello
15.I Have Nothing-Whitney Houston
16.I’m Going Down-Mary J.Blige
17.It Must Have Been Love- Roxette
18.Another Sad Love Song- Toni Braxton
19.Hello- Adele
20.Breakdown- Mariah Carey
Below are links for your listening pleasure:
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Poetry: Soulmate
I wrote this little gem of a cringy poem in 1996 when my ex boyfriend tried to get back with me when I was already in a relationship with another dude. Sad thing is that when I broke with the dude I was dating, I did go back to my ex and it was terrible. It would be a pattern of relationship choices that would follow into adulthood.
Why did you show up at such a bad time?
A time when I’m with someone who might be the one
Who is to me all the things you couldn’t be
I don’t want to hurt you but I feel nothing for you
And you might get pissed I need to say this
I don’t love you anymore,
So there’s the door
if you really love me so,you would let me go
For it’s too late, I’ve found my soulmate
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Poetry : I Hate to Whine
I wrote this poem in 2001 after a really horrible breakup with the second “S” who cheated on me with ex wife the entire time he was with me. Needless to say, I was super angry about this and being the 20 year old I was at that time included lots of cringy cliches in this poem. The upside to this that at least I didn’t go slash his tires. Lol.
I hate to whine
but you were a waste of time
I didn’t think you were such a creep
and that I could feel a heartache so deep
It’s a profound and constant pain
Your devious face is etched in my brain
I hate to whine
but I was looking for a sign
That you were my soulmate
Not someone who’d fill me with hate
That you were the man of my dreams
Not another man who’d break my sanity’s seams
Life on the BPD 