I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt. Even thought I was still resentful over the trauma I had been through because of him, I still had a somewhat idealistic perspective over what happened between us during the time we spent together. It was weird.
but its hard for someone like me to understand that
I never thought seeing you again Would make my world tremble again I thought I was over this A few years back When I was left with nothing But the faint memory of your lips But seeing you again like this Brings back all of these memories of our beautiful past
My last year in my 30s ended up with me being an essential worker during a pandemic while being a mom of three and being involved in two different romantic liaisons. I could look back on what I have not accomplished in my life and be sad but instead I’ll focus on my growth and my goals for the next year. I’ve made a lot of progress this year both financially and personally. I’ve improved my credit score by 100 points by working 2 jobs and paying debt off. Also for the first time in my adult life I’m in a healthy romantic relationship with a wonderful man. This time last year I didn’t think either was possible and at times I don’t feel like I deserve all of the good fortune in my life. As I look forward to my next year and my new decade, I hope to really focus on becoming a confident driver, submit my writing everywhere and try to get published, and continue to work my two jobs to save up to buy 2 houses. I’m kind of excited for how the next decade looks like. My thirties taught me I can survive what I once thought would not be survivable. During my thirties, I felt myself merely surviving. In this next decade, I look forward to thriving.
I wrote this poem on February 22, 2021. I wrote this while I still in a relationship with my most recent ex. I really thought he would be the one to stay but it wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. I look at year 39 that in spite of facing constant depression and craziness because of COVID, I still had something important in life and that was love even if at the end it didn’t work out. It was a year full of magical moments that I will never regret.
February 22, 2021
Last day of thirty nine and I look back on this decade with love and no regrets The decade started with my third miracle of life and ended with the miracle of love The decade started with a once stable and normal suburban life and ended with a chaotically busy and poly life The decade started with a half loved marriage and ended with an almost separation Toxicity ruled 2 and a half years of the decade but he left Now I’m left with a new determination to fulfill my potential and let no one or nothing stop me
I wrote this on February 22, 2020. I had started working at Kroger in October of the previous year, was still trying to stop my situationship with “C”, and had just started dating my most recent ex-the second Andrew. I was becoming hyper aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns and didn’t want to repeat them and had my guard up but life happens and well I fell in love.
February 22, 2020
On the last day of 38 I’m filled with so much hate Hate for the life I never had Hate for me and my soon to be ex spouse and for our toxic codependency The year has been filled with highs and lows- I was prolific with my poetry about my toxic lover My toxic lover that follows a pattern of toxic lovers since the age of 15 Toxic lovers that abused me, used me, and discarded me like trash- Toxic lovers that made me question my worth Toxic lovers that left me breathless with chemistry that felt like a drug Toxic lovers that I kept coming back to out of the habit of not loving myself enough Toxic lovers that never want to define an “us” Toxic lovers-that starting 2 weeks ago I will leave forever alone And on year 38 with all of my hate and rage for my mediocre life I decided to fight Fight with determination and purpose for the life me and my kids deserve Fight with my body working endless hours with fatigue and sore knees for the future I always wanted A future that looks independent and thriving on my own A future that will become my own universe who no one can enter I may cry, I may want to die but I will not give up- not when I’m so close And even though I met a ray of hope with my first lover’s name towards the end of year 38 My walls will stay up and guarded No piece of my vulnerability Will be exposed to him until I’m sure it’s not the same old toxic codependent story On the last day of thirty eight I work on inner healing I work on inner peace I work on goals to finally emerge as a butterfly on year 39 On the last day of 38 I say forever goodbye to toxic patterns and lovers I say forever goodbye to the old insecure me to welcome the new and confident me- I say forever goodbye to my once comfortable and mediocre life to welcome a universe full of great potential–
Iwrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had figured out that John wasn’t for me but I prayed to God that maybe he was a preview of the love I hoped for.
my truth
Perhaps you’re not the man God meant to send me But the fantasy I’ve always dreamed of Someone so innocent And passionate at the same time So sheltered from the world But you still contain a fountain of wisdom Beyond your 23 years I know already not to make too much of this I just have one wish That one day I’ll meet someone like you again in my future And he will be the one Forever meant for me
I wrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had only known him a couple of weeks and had already become so infatuated with him and obsessed.
love is an adventure
Could I be the one who makes you stop having fun? Could I be the girl who becomes your whole world? Could I be the light in your darkest nights? Could I be the passion who becomes your inspiration? Could I be the hope Who helps you cope Could I be the love of your life and possibly even your wife?
I wrote this in April 2002 after sleeping with Lucas for the first time. This situation was fucked up and crazy for many reasons but that’s another story time blog post. Let’s just say that I’m not great at making the best life choices at times.
Anais is not wrong
I finally fucked the forbidden married man It was good, it was great it was wonderful It was a heaven full of ecstasy It was dirty, it was shameful it was ugly It was a hell full of guilt
I wrote this in 2002 about my oldest son’s father. I really wanted him to step up to be a dad to our son despite our turbulent past.
truth
You make me think to look past that fateful night of fucking So I forced that memory to fade fast Even when a baby was made Cause you chose her over me I had to assume it was fate That there could neve be a “we” Just forget about that night And clean our slate white And walk with him the father-son mile
I wrote this in November of 2002. As I mentioned in my previous post, November was a chaotic month and I can’t remember who I wrote this about. Haha. Obviously I was angry at this dude. Maybe he ghosted me? Who knows?
Oh and I’m still learning -haha
I know you didn’t mean to But you’ve made me so blue With you nonchalant ways To you I was just a fucking waste So tonight I’ll leave Why does this always happen to me? Ending up with jerks like you Maybe one day I’ll get a damn clue And stop fucking around with you fucking clowns
I wrote this in November of 2002. November was such a chaotic month that year that I don’t remember who wrote this about. I think it was probably a one night stand that I had a connection with. It’s obvious that I read way too much into the situation than I should have.
Oh it does
My mind tries to forget Everything that happened last night But my heart puts up a fight My mind tells me it’s wrong and a mistake But my heart yells that it wasn’t just sex But it was also fate My mind considers it a lost cause but my heart finds a love feeling once lost
I wrote this in 2002 and it wasn’t actually inspired by any past relationships/ breakups. I don’t know, maybe I understood deep down that I had a tendency to self sabotage relationships.
the post trauma is the worst
Remorseful sentiments of you still come to mind And I ask myself “How could I have been so blind, to screw up everything that meant everything to me? With my selfishness and lies, I destroyed our paradise And I still remember the look upon face As you drove away full of disgust and hate?
I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt when he contacted me again and said he was coming to see our son for the first time. It was a really confusing and chaotic time for me. Even after everything that had happened and I had been through I was still romanticizing him. Ugh. Gotta love that BPD.
ain’t that the truth
I thought my feelings for you had come to an end When you thought it was best For us to go our separate ways And all of a sudden Once again you appear Explaining you felt a strong need To be near me That in your time away You realized you made The biggest mistake By breaking us apart You broke your own heart A part of me is sad A part of me is happy I want to save my dignity What am I to do? I want to be with you But don’t want to end up a fool
She came in before him into the same house she was at a year ago. She wonders to herself why she‘s there at all. She knows the minute she steps into the room; it will be like welcoming back a ghost into her life. She feels like she has no choice. He offers her a drink, and she gladly takes many, hoping that this will numb the outcome her mindless and impulsive actions have taken her to. She wants to say “no” and that she has a boyfriend she wants to be faithful to but knows that now it’s too late. She stops him for a minute after he takes off her shirt and unhooks her bra. She tells him she needs to use the bathroom, and in the bathroom, she writes this. A night she would like to forget.
I wrote this in November 2002 after a seeing my one of my exes. Chronic feelings of emptiness are one of the symptoms of BPD and in the past I’ve tried to escape it with alcohol or sex. I tried sex this time and it didn’t work.
You DO!
She wants to enjoy herself as his once familiar hands and lips explore her body But she can’t
He kisses her breasts and she feels nothing
His hands touch those special turn -on places in her body And her body remains cold and numb
Then she realizes this meaningless act of intimacy she uses to satisfy her body’s urges is no longer enough
She now needs something more, she is frightened but the newfound emptiness Of it all She realizes she need love
I wrote this in September of 2002 about Damon. I remember being annoyed with him and wanting to break up with him but Idk I kept procrastinating about it. It was one of those many times when I was afraid to be alone.
so true
I keep trying to figure out what we are all about We are suppose to be “in love” but both of our hearts live in a world of indifference Let’s make this uncomplicated And accept we’ll never be soul mates and begin to follow our separate fates
Life on the BPD 