I wrote this about my ex boyfriend Ron, the one I cheated on with Lucas. I felt so much guilt and shame about the whole romantic fiasco. I should have broken up with Ron BUT this was a really confusing time and I was probably scared to be alone once again. I knew that the fling with Lucas would end eventually and that Ron wasn’t go anywhere…and honestly that’s probably the worst reason to stay with someone.
If I had to be honest with myself
As I lie next to him So much is left unsaid So much I want to tell him But the words cannot Escape from my mouth I want to tell him the truth Instead of live in this big web of lies I have mistakenly driven myself into I want to tell him I was with another but I do love him But I can’t say anything I don’t want to hurt him Instead I lie next to him in this defying silence When nothing is said and he thinks I only love him
I wrote this in 2002 about my coworker Lucas. This is a good example of the black and white thinking that happens with me when I’m in a relationship.
It’s always a war, I’m never the same after
You’re so close to me And impossible to reach You’re the one I want to be with And the one I want to run away from You’re my best dream And worst nightmare You’re my reason for my happiness And the epitome of my frustrations You give me a reason to live And a reason to leave this life You’re the first on my list And I’m the last on yours
I wrote this in 2002 about Lucas after he dropped me off at home. I really thought we had this special and unique connection at the time even though the situation was so fucked up.
maybe
He drops her off and waits for her to inside opens the glove compartment and picks up the note she leaves for him He feels ecstatic and miserable at the same time by her simple way with words It’s not so much the content It’s the meaning behind it He wants to stop and love her but he can’t He realizes she leaves that note as a reminder that she will always love him
I wrote this in early 2002 about my married coworker Lucas. I remember going out to lunch with him one day and writing this poem about it the next day.
yeah, it felt that intense
As I look upon him with my dopey love eyes I wonder how he would feel next to me at this exact moment As we are listening to this song and looking at each other at this very moment I wonder what his exact feelings are Maybe it’s something I can never know or feel for sure but this moment with him is something I can forever cherish
Escribí este poema en 2002 acerca de Lucas. Estaba bien amarga y llena de amargura porque él nunca quiso dejar a su esposa. Mis pensamientos eran irracional e ilógico. Esto pasa cuando uno tiene trastorno límite de la personalidad.
pero el me olvido como los otros
El romance paro gracias a tu cobardía Nunca quisistes pelear Por aquel amor que me decias Que te hacía querer vivir la vida Y yo me quedo aquí Sola y desilusionada Y tu Con el viejo hábito Que se llama “tu esposa”
I wrote this in April of 2002 when I was depressed AF. I wrote this because I was in a toxic work environment where I was discriminated against, disrespected, and at one point even slut shamed. We could say by today’s standards that I was bullied to the extent that getting up every morning for this job was really hard. I was tired of it when I wrote this poem. I’ll tell the story of this toxic job in another blog post.
resilience should be my middle name
I wish I could throw up everything ugly in my life and only enjoy the beautiful Perhaps tell the put me down people to fuck off Or stop their pathetic attempts to change me into their idea of what I should be And stop getting talked into what they think is best for me
I wrote this in 2002 when I was really depressed. I probably should have gone to therapy but instead I wrote poetry.
sometimes this feels true
My emotional pain is killing me at a steady pace with no means of stopping Or even slowing down I don’t know how to feel good about myself anymore I forgot what it’s like to laugh or smile What’s left of my pride is gone.
I wrote this in 2002 about my ex Andrew whom I dated briefly in 1997/1998. Well, we’ll call him the first Andrew because I love to recycle names. Lol. I had a tendency to get nostalgic about because the love and infatuation I felt for him was really, really intense. Also, our story was kind of crazy in its own right but that’s another blogpost. I’ll just say that I idealize him and placed him on a pedestal for many, many years after we broke up.
so true
I think of you tonight More than I do on most nights Listening to this melancholic song Brings back all of those precious moments With you in my mind When we were each other’s whole world And nothing or no one else mattered except you and I And I wonder if I ever run through that beautiful mind of yours Or if I ever reached your heart if even for the briefest moment
I wrote this in 2002 about my first son’s bio dad. It kind of sucks that this situation happened BUT at least I got some salty poetry out of it. Lol.
triggered
Hey Mr.Donor man How does it feel to have your son Learn you never wanted to come That you talked big shit and never meant any of it That no matter how hard I tried for him you never wanted to be a daddy to him That you were so fucking lame You couldn’t even give him your last name That to you, his mom was just good fun That you’re a fucking coward you never dared to be his father Don’t worry though He’ll always have my love And without you, he’ll be just fine One day I’ll meet a man who is kind Who will love him and I and will want us in his life Who’ll be glad to take the place of The man who couldn’t give us love Who will come to his defense when things get tense Who will stick around And won’t bring him down Who will finally be The dad you never wanted to be
I wrote this poem about my oldest son’s bio dad in February of 2002. A lot of residual resentment I had towards him was because he wouldn’t step up. My empathy button for him was really broken for him and in this case maybe it needed to be.
it be like that sometimes
Three years too late You’ve decided to embrace your fate You’ve decided to recognize your mistake And fill my ears with apologies For not accepting mine and his existence
So now you feel like playing dad And expect me to forgive and forget about the misery you left us in The years of being a fucking deadbeat to him Please do what you do best Walk away and put this situation to rest For he doesn’t need A false wannabe daddy Who will cause him harm in the long run
Escribí este poema en 2002 acerca cuando estaba involucrada con mi compañero de trabajo Lucas que estaba casado. Estaba bien celosa y amarga.
La Verdad, yo fui una de muchas
Usted qué espera señor Que le siga dando amor Sabiendo que usted comparte mis caricias, mis noches Tambien con ella Sabiendo que me duele el alma Cada vez que me entero Que usted estuvo con aquella Lo siento, pero no estoy aquí para ser su tonta Por nuestro “amor” Esta historia tiene que parar Y no lo quiero ver nunca más
I wrote this in September of 2001, I guess I was frustrated with dating because it sucked getting stuck in relationships I had no business being in. Half the time, I did it to not be lonely but then I found myself miserable.
the magic is in you
A Liberal Kind of Love
Holding hands and kisses on the cheeks is what we are no longer about
Hot and sweaty bodies fucking with a goodbye note in the morning is now our nature
Respect, honesty, and trust are long forgotten words
Deception, disillusionments and selfishness are now our sacred words
I wrote this in 2001 about the great breakup of 2001. This is the last poem I wrote about this relationship. One of the aspects that I was hyper focused on during this breakup was being cheated on. Another reason, I flew into a rage was because “S” ex wife would not stop calling me after the breakup. It got to the point I had to change my phone number. She wasn’t exactly mean, I think she was trying to reach out as a fellow victim of “S” deception and wanted someone to process the pain with but I wanted no part of it. It felt too raw and painful for me at the time for me. And she wasn’t the only that called me about “S” cheating on me, there had been another chick by the name of Mariah. Also, the other part was that me and “S” communicated via email after the breakup for a few days just to fight about everything and place blame on each other. Emotions were really high not just on my part but for everyone involved. Also, this situation brought up triggers from my previous relationship with Paul. There are the reasons I went into a rage and ended up writing more than 40 poems about a 6 week long relationship.Reflecting on this now at 40, I can honestly say that I did process and heal from that breakup when it happened. I mean I did write like more than 40 poems about but maybe it’s what I needed to do at the time. I also don’t hold a grudge about “S” or his ex or anyone involved. Everyone was in their early 20s and we were all trying to do our best at that time and maybe our best looks shitty to other people.
maybe we were all counterfeits
You two were made for each other Like the sun was made to be hot To you I was just another toy To play with, But once the newness wore off You decided to go back to Your old comfortable teddy bear Unfortunately old habits are hard to break
This one is actually not salty but rather nostalgic about the great breakup of 2001.I think that one of reasons I had so much anger was that I hated myself for still having feelings for “”S” after the breakup. I felt weak for it and went against the image of strength that I had at the time.
Honestly…it will probably take 100 men to write my biography,,,lol
How I wish so much for another day with your warm touch How I would like to believe deep down that you still care about me How I would like to turn back time and go back to those days when you were mine How I would like to say Please don’t go away How I still long to dance another slowsong
Life on the BPD 