I wrote this poem in December of 2002 cause well dating sucks and it’s still timely. Haha.
I hate playing this stupid game
Called dating
Trying to decide
Which move to make
So you can have him at checkmate
It’s no longer about falling in love
Or even real feelings
But it’s about winning
So if sit here wanting to hear hisvoice
I don’t dare give in to this yearning
To want to call him
Because then they’ll almost be winning
I wrote this in December of 2002 and it wasn’t inspired by any breakups, it might have been inspired by a movie I watched or a book I read.
I woke up one day
To see that you had gone away
All you left was a note
You could no longer cope
With our love mess
You had tried your very best
To be the man I wanted you to be
The one who only cared for me
You had only pretended to be true
And now you say the time has come
You’re sorry it took so damn long
All that is left is goodbye
You tell me to not even ask why
You wish me the best in life
One day I’ll make a great wife
And with your signature you sign off
I hope that someday you’ll find true love
I wrote this in December of 2002 after I had a one night stand with this dude I met in a bar and he didn’t tell me he was married. I found out a few days later when a coworker told me. I felt shame, guilt, and like a dirty whore for what happened even thought I knew that this time I was an unwilling homewrecker. It was rough.
This was a mistake
I wish I could unmake
I didn’t mean to kiss you
And I didn’t mean for us to screw
But the alcohol got to my head
That somehow led me to your bed
And now you have to understand
Our destiny has been written in the sand
You will never be the man I dream of
Who will deserve the best of my love
So now it’s about time
for you to open your eyes
What happened between you and I
Was chemistry I could no longer deny
So stop trying to interrupt my life
And just go back to your wife
Today is National Getting Over It day and I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate it than by sharing my ANGRY AF playlist. A huge part for me getting over something tragic in my life is to get angry. And when I get angry, it’s almost like a volcano eruption. This is actually pretty healthy for me because I’ve felt that at times, anger has saved me from feeling all of my sadness at once which for me can get really overwhelming right away. I can even say that Anger has probably saved me from spiraling into an abyss of sadness that would be hard to crawl out of. In other words, anger has helped me survive whatever trauma has come my way. I used to be so ashamed of being angry because of how it would turn me into the most self absorbed and reactive person. I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve learned how to better manage my anger. Instead of drinking or hooking with random dudes because I’m angry; I exercise or write while I listen to music. Most of the songs in this list are geared more towards someone going through a breakup because that is when my anger comes out the most. Thanks, BPD. Lol. In bold are my favorite songs from this list.
For the Brokenhearted: I’m ANGRY AF Edition (the only where you scream out the lyrics):
Below are links to the playlist for your listening pleasure:
My relationship with music is probably the healthiest life long relationships I’ve ever had. I honestly don’t know what I would do without it. I listen to music as a way to process both the bad and good things that happen in my life. Music is one of my favorite coping mechanisms I have when I’m having strong emotions. I have a playlist for almost any kind of mood or emotion you might be having: Feeling Sexy- I have a playlist for that, Feeling like a Bad Bitch -I have a playlist for that, Feeling like Your Heart has been shattered in a million pieces and you’re gonna be alone forever- I have a playlist for that too. I like to listen to music first thing in the morning to get my day going. I also listen to it throughout the work day to break up the monotony of the day. Sometimes I even spontaneously serenade my coworkers with my horrendous singing-haha. Music has saved me on numerous occasions from the bad and intrusive thoughts I do have from time to time. I also love to listen to super loud music when I’m power walking and jogging. I listen to all kinds of music from gangsta rap to mainstream pop to boleros. My favorites artists are usually singer songwriters like Taylor Swift, The KID Laroi, Shakira, and Alejandro Sanz. I am super fortunate to be bilingual so I have a huge music catalogue to choose from. No matter what happens in my life, music has always been a way to either help calm me down when I’m angry or perk me up when I get in one of depressive moods. I will be sharing some of the playlists I listen to depending on my moods. Below is a link to posts about a few of my playlists.
Playlist: For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry)
Playlist: Self Love-My Love Affair with Myself
Playlist: Let’s Get Sexy
I wrote this in October of 2002 about my first son’s bio dad. I had a lot of residual resentment for my son’s bio dad. Therapy would have helped with processing processing the trauma but at least I had poetry.
The thought of you never escapes my mind
not even for just one night
Your little game has caused me a lifetime of hurt,
resentment, and pain
Now I’ll never be the same
And I will forever ask myself
Why is it me and our innocent child
the ones to suffer for your thoughtless actions?
Him, without someone to call dad
and me,taken away from my youth
Forced to grow up too fast
I wrote this in 2002 about my oldest son’s father. I really wanted him to step up to be a dad to our son despite our turbulent past.
You make me think
to look past that fateful night of fucking
So I forced that memory to fade fast
Even when a baby was made
Cause you chose her over me
I had to assume it was fate
That there could neve be a “we”
Just forget about that night
And clean our slate white
And walk with him the father-son mile
I wrote this in 2002 and it wasn’t actually inspired by any past relationships/ breakups. I don’t know, maybe I understood deep down that I had a tendency to self sabotage relationships.
Remorseful sentiments of you still come to mind
And I ask myself
“How could I have been so blind,
to screw up everything
that meant everything to me?
With my selfishness and lies,
I destroyed our paradise
And I still remember the look upon face
As you drove away full of disgust and hate?
I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt when he contacted me again and said he was coming to see our son for the first time. It was a really confusing and chaotic time for me. Even after everything that had happened and I had been through I was still romanticizing him. Ugh. Gotta love that BPD.
I thought my feelings for you
had come to an end
When you thought it was best
For us to go our separate ways
And all of a sudden
Once again you appear
Explaining you felt a strong need
To be near me
That in your time away
You realized you made
The biggest mistake
By breaking us apart
You broke your own heart
A part of me is sad
A part of me is happy
I want to save my dignity
What am I to do?
I want to be with you
But don’t want to end up a fool
I wrote this in November 2002 after a seeing my one of my exes. Chronic feelings of emptiness are one of the symptoms of BPD and in the past I’ve tried to escape it with alcohol or sex. I tried sex this time and it didn’t work.
She wants to enjoy herself
as his once familiar hands and lips
explore her body
But she can’t
He kisses her breasts
and she feels nothing
His hands touch those special
turn -on places in her body
And her body remains cold and numb
Then she realizes this meaningless act
of intimacy she uses to satisfy
her body’s urges
is no longer enough
She now needs something more,
she is frightened but the newfound emptiness
Of it all
She realizes she need love
I wrote this in August of 2002 reflecting on Andrew and Lucas. I thought that they were 2 of the greatest loves of my life. I obviously don’t feel that way anymore. I understand now that due to the circumstances out of my control, there was no way I could have had long term relationships with them.
I’m scared of love. Maybe I jeopardize and push away any opportunity of love knocking on my door. Or maybe it is truly bad luck. I don’t know anymore. I feel so numb and used at the same time. This love shit seems so pointless. I feel like I lost out on the greatest love of my life either 4 years ago or 2 months ago, perhaps. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much about the others and fought for the love I felt for Andrew and Lucas but I had no clue as to how they felt about me. To Andrew, I felt like a passing fad but damn I would’ve done anything for him. For Lucas, I still believe that I was an escape for him whom I also had a great friendship with. I shared everything I ever was with him. I shared my feelings, my thoughts, I even gave him my most vulnerable aspect, my heart. These two men will always and forever be in my heart, a place many had tried to reach but only two have succeeded.
I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.
After making love to him
I lie awake in his arms
And the only thought
that crosses thru my mind
is that “I want to stay here
With you my love”
But even wishing something like that
Would be violated by our complicated lives
And maybe even regretful sacrifices
So I lie in bed in a life
that is anything but the truth
and wonder to myself
If to you,
I will ever be worth more
Than just your special friend
I wrote this in June of 2002 about my breakup with Ron. To this day, it hurts me that I caused him so much pain. I really hope he’s out there living his best life and he found the love of his life. I don’t judged the person I was when I broke up with Ron and 20 years later, I have loads of empathy for him. I can understand exactly why he reacted the way he did.
What can I do?
To burn away the pain
I’ve inflicted on you
I could say the famous
“I’m sorry” or
“It was never my intention to hurt you”
And these words would be true
but it wouldn’t be enough
to tear you away from the hurt
and pain I have caused
So I do what comes naturally to me
And walk away from your life
So you can start forgetting
the memory of me
I wrote this in May of 2002 about Lucas. I was missing him and feeling nostalgic about him. It was hard because while we were still keeping in touch via email, we hardly saw each other.
I tried to escape the thought of you
But it follows me wherever I go
Your scent, your voice, your kiss
Always remains fresh on my mind
No matter how long it’s been
Even if I try my hardest
To live without you
I somehow end up again
Trapped in the caged memory
that was your love
I wrote this about my ex boyfriend Ron, the one I cheated on with Lucas. I felt so much guilt and shame about the whole romantic fiasco. I should have broken up with Ron BUT this was a really confusing time and I was probably scared to be alone once again. I knew that the fling with Lucas would end eventually and that Ron wasn’t go anywhere…and honestly that’s probably the worst reason to stay with someone.
As I lie next to him
So much is left unsaid
So much I want to tell him
But the words cannot
Escape from my mouth
I want to tell him the truth
Instead of live in this big web of lies
I have mistakenly driven myself into
I want to tell him
I was with another but I do love him
But I can’t say anything
I don’t want to hurt him
Instead I lie next to him
in this defying silence
When nothing is said
and he thinks I only love him
Life on the BPD 