I wrote this in June of 2002 about my breakup with Ron. To this day, it hurts me that I caused him so much pain. I really hope he’s out there living his best life and he found the love of his life. I don’t judged the person I was when I broke up with Ron and 20 years later, I have loads of empathy for him. I can understand exactly why he reacted the way he did.
oh this left a definite scar
What can I do? To burn away the pain I’ve inflicted on you I could say the famous “I’m sorry” or “It was never my intention to hurt you” And these words would be true but it wouldn’t be enough to tear you away from the hurt and pain I have caused So I do what comes naturally to me And walk away from your life So you can start forgetting the memory of me
I wrote this in June of 2002 about Ron. It was a rough breakup to say the least. He was definitely justified in his feelings of anger towards and to respond the way he did. While I won’t say whether or not I deserved the 5 scathing emails I received after filled with insults, pain, and hate, I’m glad he did it . Maybe it made him feel better and/or gave him a sense of closure. He wasn’t being crazy, he was being human.
that’s life though..
Sorry to have broken your unwavering trust but I had to get away from us I never meant to hurt you But our goodbye was long overdue One of us had to do it eventually Unfortunately it had be me I hope one day you understand Why our love,from day one was damned And you’ll finally realize My choice was really wise
I wrote this in early June of 2002 about my ex Ron. If you’ve been following the whole Lucas and Me storyline, Ron was the boyfriend I was cheating on with Lucas. The right thing would have been to break up with him since I was in love with someone else and knew that me and Ron were in no way compatible. Instead, I allowed the relationship to drag on and avoided Ron for a bit. Eventually I reached out to Ron to break up with him -via email. Looking back now that was really shitty of me to do. I mean we had only be dating 4 months but I still should have called him to break up. I guess at the time I was trying to do the best I could and was scared of his reaction because he had a horrible temper. What followed where super angry emails from him about how I was this awful person. Since he responded in an angry way to my email, I replied in a defensive way. I don’t remember what I said but it must have been bad. Also, looking at other emails, apparently we went back and forth for a bit fighting. I guess I must have also been asking for an engagement ring and I’m like WTF. This is how I look like at my worst: needy, angry, cruel and impulsive. And many years later, karma would come back to bite me and I understood why Ron was so angry.
this was me at the time
You ask me why I had to say goodbye And walk away from your life In such a nonchalant way All I can say is I could no longer stay In something so fake Everything was fine As long as I never spoke my mind I had to hold back everything that was important to me Damn you for thinking the world of me For that was never the real me The woman was you fell in love with was a fake and submissive miss
I wrote this in June of 2002 when I was ghosting Ron. I was avoiding his phone calls and emails. I kept procrastinating on breaking up with him,
Forgiving myself is hard
My dear boyfriend Sorry for being a bitch You’ve probably noticed it’s you I ditch Sorry for being such a coward And being a big fat liar Sorry for not giving you the love you definitely deserved and never putting you first Sorry I wasn’t the “one” And being so wrong Sorry for waiting to break our ties And all of my sorry ass lies Sorry for never loving you And never giving you your value
I wrote this in May of 2002 about Lucas. I was missing him and feeling nostalgic about him. It was hard because while we were still keeping in touch via email, we hardly saw each other.
It’s almost always like that
I tried to escape the thought of you But it follows me wherever I go Your scent, your voice, your kiss Always remains fresh on my mind No matter how long it’s been Even if I try my hardest To live without you I somehow end up again Trapped in the caged memory that was your love
I wrote this poem in June of 2002 and almost 20 years later, I still have the same questions. Lol. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what romantic love and that’s okay. My life is filled with all kinds of different love that I’m not focused on finding romantic love or really care to.
if only
I want to write about love but do I really know what it is Is it a certain look? Or a certain action? Is it caring for someone’s happiness more than your own? Or is it being with the one that makes you crazy and your heart race with the sound of their voice? What is love?
I wrote this in 2002 about my coworker Lucas. This is a good example of the black and white thinking that happens with me when I’m in a relationship.
It’s always a war, I’m never the same after
You’re so close to me And impossible to reach You’re the one I want to be with And the one I want to run away from You’re my best dream And worst nightmare You’re my reason for my happiness And the epitome of my frustrations You give me a reason to live And a reason to leave this life You’re the first on my list And I’m the last on yours
I wrote this in 2002 about Lucas after he dropped me off at home. I really thought we had this special and unique connection at the time even though the situation was so fucked up.
maybe
He drops her off and waits for her to inside opens the glove compartment and picks up the note she leaves for him He feels ecstatic and miserable at the same time by her simple way with words It’s not so much the content It’s the meaning behind it He wants to stop and love her but he can’t He realizes she leaves that note as a reminder that she will always love him
I wrote this in early 2002 about my married coworker Lucas. I remember going out to lunch with him one day and writing this poem about it the next day.
yeah, it felt that intense
As I look upon him with my dopey love eyes I wonder how he would feel next to me at this exact moment As we are listening to this song and looking at each other at this very moment I wonder what his exact feelings are Maybe it’s something I can never know or feel for sure but this moment with him is something I can forever cherish
Escribí este poema en 2002 acerca de Lucas. Estaba bien amarga y llena de amargura porque él nunca quiso dejar a su esposa. Mis pensamientos eran irracional e ilógico. Esto pasa cuando uno tiene trastorno límite de la personalidad.
pero el me olvido como los otros
El romance paro gracias a tu cobardía Nunca quisistes pelear Por aquel amor que me decias Que te hacía querer vivir la vida Y yo me quedo aquí Sola y desilusionada Y tu Con el viejo hábito Que se llama “tu esposa”
I wrote this in April of 2002 when I was depressed AF. I wrote this because I was in a toxic work environment where I was discriminated against, disrespected, and at one point even slut shamed. We could say by today’s standards that I was bullied to the extent that getting up every morning for this job was really hard. I was tired of it when I wrote this poem. I’ll tell the story of this toxic job in another blog post.
resilience should be my middle name
I wish I could throw up everything ugly in my life and only enjoy the beautiful Perhaps tell the put me down people to fuck off Or stop their pathetic attempts to change me into their idea of what I should be And stop getting talked into what they think is best for me
I wrote this 20 years ago reflecting on how rough 2001 was for me. I mean there was my whole Jake Gyllenhaal episode and of course “the great breakup of 2001” that inspired dozens and dozens of poems. 2002 wouldn’t be any better but I survived it. Whatever doesn’t kill me makes for good blog content later. Lol. As I reflect now on 2022 and any expectations I have. I honestly don’t have any. I mean 2021 was rough in it’s own right, there was my BPD diagnosis and of course “the great breakup of 2021” BUT it was also a year of tremendous growth and progress for me. And that’s all I hope to have in 2022, continued growth-as a mother, friend, writer, and coworker. As always, I strive to become a better person than I was yesterday.
always moving forward
Another new year Supposedly filled with promise and hope As any new anything Whether it be a new relationship New job or even a new hero But will this year really live up to all it’s hype? And if so, it would be the first wonderful year with more happiness than sorrows Or will this new year be another year Wasted on dead end frustrations Filled with more sadness than one can bear Only as the days and weeks And eventually months go on will we be able to know I hope for my sake That at least will be somewhere in the middle
Life on the BPD 