I wrote this poem in October of 2022 inspired by my middle son.
me and my middle child in March of 2022
Me and my teenage son fight and I regret it the next day Iβve watched too many people mourn their sons this year Iβve felt the screams of those close to me asking God why he took their babies too young Young men who will never be fathers, Young men who will never see their children grow up into rebellious and sassy teens and while I understand conflicts happens between parent and child I also know weβre both on borrowed time and I donβt want our angry words to be the last exchange between us if its his or my last day today
Happy international Nurse’s Day to all the nurses and especially my favorite nurse, my sister. We’ve had a complicated relationship through most of my life but within the past few years, our relationship has gotten a lot better. I have more to say about this but that calls for a longer blog post in the future. Today, I want to honor her for being the awesome human being that she is. Below is a picture of us at a concert we went in July of 2022 and a poem I wrote in December of 2021 when she turned 47.
me and my sister in July of 2022
To My Sister On Her 47th birthday
you’re 3 years away 50 but still look like you’re in your 30’s Has anyone told you how amazing you are? Have our parents loved you out loud?
I’ve always admired you for your fortitude and resilience but wish for you to have peace and an opportunity to be soft
I get it though – It is hard to be soft in a society that expects you resemble a tower of strength, where you take care of everyone first and put yourself last It was something you had to learn at a young age
you used to be the Villian in my book at times, but lately I think of you as the victim and the victor_
Youβre a victim of life- the victim because of the pressure you were put under for being the oldest the victim for being a woman of color in a racist and sexist society
But you’re also the victor- the victor never giving up- no matter how fucked up life got for you the victor for facing shit head on without any fucks and with an intimidating confidence (maybe thatβs why I was jealous)
oh sister of mine, on your 47th year-I hope. you get to sit and enjoy the wonderful life youβve created
I wrote this poem in May of 2022 inspired by this “woke” white woman. Lol.
youβre nothing but a selfish and narcissistic attention whore constantly craving the limelight by posting long and stupid ridden Facebook statuses about the βtruthβ of the injustice you see injecting yourself as the voice of minorities it all unveils your world of deep seated insecurities and the irony of all of this is should you know better since youβre a therapist but apparently youβre still dumb as fuck It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have-you still reek of ignorance
Iβd rather live in music, daydreams, and fantasies than face the monotony and routine of real life who wants to deal with spreadsheets when I can get lost in dreams about finding the one who wants to answer to karenβs idiotic questions when I got taylor swift on repeat who wants to open and read another email about another stupid workplace policy when I can fantasize about the best sex I had the a few nights ago real life is too boring for me when I have music, daydreams, and fantasies waiting to inspire the writer in me
Life doesn’t always go the way we planned, and oftentimes our finances take a hit during these detours. Perhaps you lost your job because of downsizing, or youβve struggled to find good-paying work. Or you could be recovering from financial debt from an extended illness or repair. No matter the cause, financial stress can feel inescapable. Fortunately, there are some steps you can take to change your situation. Life on the BPD explains how.
Consider Changing Careers
Unemployment is a serious problem, and many people have been out of work. The number of people reporting unemployment has varied a lot recently, but numbers are slowly decreasing. This is a great trend, but lost money during extended unemployment can impact you for a long time. And if your new job doesnβt pay enough, it will be difficult to financially recover from that deficit.
If you’re noticing changes to your work prospects with no end in sight, or if the type of job you were doing wonβt pay enough to get you back out of debt, you may want to consider changing careers. Think about other areas of interest where your education and work history may be relevant. Consider going back to school. There are many options from traditional classes to night classes or even online degree programs.
Lastly, you may decide that you want to start a business of your very own. Beyond coming up with an idea for your company, there are a few things you need to do to get things started. First, you need to come up with a business idea. This can be something you’re passionate about or have experience in. Once you have your idea, you’ll need to start planning everything out. This includes coming up with a name, logo, and brand. You’ll also need to create a website and social media accounts. Once all of that is done, you’ll need to start marketing your business and getting customers. The best way to do this is by networking and using social media. Finally, you’ll need to continue growing your business by always being on the lookout for new opportunities. If you do all of these things, you’ll be well on your way to starting a new company.
Take Time for Yourself
Between work, family obligations, and worrying, you may find you have little time for yourself. This can lead to a vicious cycle of a lack of sleep and anxiety. When you’re stressed and not getting enough sleep, you’re more likely to eat poorly, which only worsens the problems. Instead, do something just for yourself. You could read a book, take a relaxing bath, or exercise. Engage in anything that takes your mind off your financial problems.
Reevaluate Goals
It may feel overwhelming, but now is a great time to reestablish your financial goals, since you are dedicated to getting yourself back on track financially. Take a look at your current goals and decide if they’re still feasible. It may be time to alter them to adjust to the economic climate and extend the overall timeline. Set positive goals with smaller sub-goals so that you can see your progress. But also push yourself towards a challenging final goal. You may be surprised by what a little positive anxiety can help you accomplish.
If youβre not sure how to set new goals, consider working with a financial planner or doing some online research. They gather helpful information about financial planning, including professionals who can come alongside you to create and support these goals and present them online. A little guidance can go a long way!
Create a New Budget
Budgeting helps you know exactly how much money is coming in and going out. You know how much you can save monthly and how much you have to enjoy.
However, when situations change your budget needs to change, too. You may currently have more costs related to your household, potentially less income, and possibly fewer entertainment options. At this point, it’s time to create a new budget with all this in mind.
Once you have an accurate, up-to-date budget, you should look for areas where you can spend less and save more. With an uncertain economic climate, it’s more important than ever to have a nest egg.
Consider Refinancing Your Home
The pandemic brought about historically low refinance rates. Look at your options, because you could save yourself money each month and in the long run. For example, you can look into cash-out refinancing, which replaces your current mortgage with a larger one. You then receive the difference between the old and new as cash, which gives you some money to use however you choose.
If youβre interested in refinancing, youβll need to gather some information first. When you cash out or take a home equity loan, the lender needs to know your homeβs current appraisal and the amount you still owe on your house. The appraisal will determine how much your home is worth now so that your lender can calculate how much equity you have in your home. The equity is the amount of money your home is appraised for minus the amount you still owe on your mortgage.
Don’t Let Hardships Take a Toll on Your Finances
Life has a way of surprising us – sometimes for good and other times not-so-good. Even if youβve experienced some financial hardships lately, donβt let them completely derail your finances. Take a deep breath and reevaluate. Then, take steps today to start putting away money, even if that means you have to make a career change or reevaluate your budget.
Happy Asian American and Pacific Islander Month! I wrote this poem inspired by my favorite Asian American, my oldest son.
me and my oldest in 1999
I was young and so stupid a kid having another kid but with you I grew up and learned the meaning of love youβre everything a mother could want a wonderful and amazing son and while Iβll feel some grief the day youβll your spread wings Iβll feel a special kind of pride as I watch you shine your golden light
I wonder where all of my money goes but then I go home to the bottomless pits that are my kids and then I go upstairs to my bedroom where my closet is exploding with clothes and then I look under bed full of shoes and then I go downstairs to my record player and looks at my various vinyls and we wonβt even talk about my newly acquired furniture from Amazon now I understand my money goes to my busy life and my BPD spending impulsivity
Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everyone Is my mood stabilizer working yet? and fuck, fuck, fuck my brain chemistry it makes me so angry and crazy Sometimes Iβd rather feel nothing than constantly feeling everything Between my anxiety, depression, bipolar And bpd I canβt trust my brain to tell me the difference between right and wrong I canβt trust my heart if my feelings are valid or if itβs inner critic preying on my insecurities on day likes this Iβd rather disappear because being me gets so exhausting
Your false love swallowed me into an ocean of oblivion and I almost drowned You consumed my mind with anxious thoughts of whether or not I mattered to you And thoughts of death visited me when you ignored me Feelings of worthlessness and emptiness threatened my wretched existence over and over again because of your inconsistent love But one day, I was enough by myself I didnβt need your pseudo love So I’m banishing you to the land of past lovers who never deserved the magic of my love
you burned our novel of love because your courage ran out because you couldnβt fight for us- even when you told me over and over again how being with me made you feel alive how I was different from anyone you ever met none of that mattered because you chose your wife because she brings you security because sheβs your peace because sheβs comfortable because you preferred a static and predictable life with her Instead of living a life full of excitement and challenges with me
Deep inside of me is a treasure chest full of wonder, full of splendor Deep inside of me is a treasure chest full of sadness,full of sorrow Deep inside of me is a treasure chest full of love, full of laughter Deep inside of me is a treasure chest full of anger, full of hate
I feel raw with emotions Itβs like someone has ripped off the scab of an almost healed heart and itβs bleeding once again And while this time itβs not pulsating with anger and rage it still hurts like a small paper cut you canβt see but itβs still there
I hide the craziest parts of myself The parts that get sad, The parts that get obsessed The parts that lose hope I hide the worst parts of myself the parts that feel empty The parts that feel numb The parts that want to die I hide the craziest and worst parts of myself so no one else will leave