I wrote this in January of 2022.
I’m done apologizing for being too much or not enough
I’ve always been enough
I’m done apologizing for being crazy
I’m God’s creation of a perfect imperfection
I’m done apologizing for being too bland or too spicy
I’m a perfect blend of whatever I want to be
I’m done apologizing for being me!
I wrote this in January of 2022.
Writing is my lifeline
with it, I’m almost fine
without it I’m almost lost
and my mind pays the cost
Writing is my lifeline
Especially since I’m borderline
It’s brings my truth to the forefront
It’s almost my antidepressant
Writing is my lifeline
It’s part of my life’s design
I accept it as my passion
and also my ammunition
Here is a link to the first scene:https://wp.me/p23LY2-1qp
Scene 2:
SETTING: Landon’s apartment. The aesthetic in this apartment is minimalist There are no stray things around. There is a very expensive looking sculpture. Landon has a very simple geometric painting. There is a glass coffee table at the center and really sparse furniture. CHLOE is at the door ready to knock. LANDON is in an expensive jog suit and on his laptop writing a business negotiation.
CHLOE knocks tentatively on LANDON’s door, Landon looks through his smallish peephole, sighs deeply, plasters a forced smile on his face and opens the door.
LANDON: Chloe, hi! To what do I owe the pleasure of having my little sister come over here unannounced. Do you want a drink ?
CHLOE: (goes to sit down slowly on the expensive chair) No…uhh..I wouldn’t have come over if I didn’t think it was important.
LANDON: Well, you know, you could always send me a text or call me.
CHLOE: You never answer your phone or reply to my texts. Besides, this is really important.
LANDON: Well, you know, I’m a busy guy. You could have a little more consider-
CHLOE gets frustrated and yells.
CHLOE: It’s about dad!
LANDON: Jesus! You’re on that business again. I thought I had already made it clear to you what needs to be done.
CHLOE: No,you didn’t. You’ve skirted around the issue without resolving anything.
LANDON: What is there to resolve? He seems okay living by himself.
CHLOE: You only see him once a month at the most . He’s struggling and doesn’t want to admit it. He’s not only holding on to mom’s old stuff but is accumulating new stuff as a way to deal with his grief. And to make matters worse, the landlord is about to put him out. We need to reason with him.
LANDON: How is the landlord going to put him out ? I give the old biddy a little something extra so she doesn’t bother him.
CHLOE: You don’t understand.It’s not about money, they want him out because dad has basically made the place a hazard. We need to help dad.
LANDON: And what is your suggestion. Einstein?
CHLOE: Well, you know, he could always move in with you.
LANDON: Like hell he can. Listen, I got a better suggestion. I put up the money, you make all the arrangements and we put him in one of those assisted living places. He’ll be surrounded by –
CHLOE: Are you nuts? A nursing home because you don’t want your life inconvenience
LANDON: I don’t see what’s so bad—
CHLOE: It will kill him! He will hate it. You can’t always just throw money at every fucking problem. You are such a selfish jerk.
LANDON: And you are a mindless little idiot. Are you done now?
CHLOE: (feeling rather defeated and sighs) Will you at least come with me to reason with him. He won’t listen to me but at least he will listen to you, his favorite child.
LANDON: Sure. I need to see when I’m free. Maybe next week, I could pencil something—
CHLOE: God damnit! Don’t you understand that the situation is urgent? He could be out on the street by the end of the week.
LANDON: Must you always be such a drama queen?
CHLOE: Ugh..there no use talking to you (Chloe mutters under breath, you just don’t fucking care)
LANDON: What did you say?
CHLOE: Nothing.
LANDON: Fine, I’ll go with you this Wednesday afternoon.
CHLOE: Okay.
CHLOE slams the door and sighs deeply.
I wrote this in January of 2022.
My emotions cloud and distort my reality
anger brings out passive aggressive social media post
sadness tells me I’m worthless
joy makes everything seem magical
numbness makes me want to end it all
hyper-sexuality makes me want to fuck almost everyone
My emotions cloud and distort my reality
I get paranoid, mad, sad, happy, and horny all in one day
My escapes used to be fucking and drinking
But I got older and wiser
And now I run and I write
My emotions cloud and distort my reality
And I learned to regulate and control them
I observe, I listen without judgment
and I honor my emotions
My emotions cloud and distort my reality
but now only for a short time
And I’m in control again
I’m no longer a mess of destruction and chaos
This was my response to prompt #26 : How has your life changed in the past year
2022 blessed me with more joy and growth than I could have dreamed of
I changed my narrative from a woman full of anger and resentment
to a woman full of contentment and an appreciation for everything
Unexpected and pleasant surprises filled up my year
swimming for the first time to Taylor Swift
music concerts that brought on catharsis
a spontaneous trip to my homeland where I found a stable sense of identity
and my accidental bangs in that beauty salon in Lima
I also learned to place my solitude as a priority for my recovery journey
It was the year when I stopped chasing love and unabashedly started
chasing my dreams, conquering my fears, and learning to love
the woman in the mirror
It’s been one of the best fucking years of my life
when I finally learned the meaning of gratitude and healthy love
This is in response to prompt #22:Something all people should know
stop allowing the world tell you who you should be
embrace who are with all of your imperfections
being “flawless ”is a lie sold to us by a consumerist society
who uses our insecurities for profit–
the countless anti aging creams catered to women of a certain age
even more weight loss shakes and gimmicks targeted at everyone
feeding us a false narrative that if we are skinnier or younger
we’ll somehow be an almost perfect ideal of human
be whoever you need be to fit your own brand of happy
everything else is bullshit
I wrote this in December of 2021.
Christmas sounds like Mariah Carey and Wham
competing to blast their christmas songs from my radio
or a Christmas Story playing on the tv
Christmas looks likes the crooked christmas tree
almost tipping over with an excessive amount of ornaments
and way too many gifts under the tree
christmas taste like mashed potatoes with ham
and alcoholic eggnog to swallow
uncomfortable conversations about politics
christmas smells like candles burning with scents
called christmas tree farm
christmas feels like happiness with everything in my life
and the warmth and magic of my little family
Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2021.
Soy la sangre de mis antepasados
Colonizadores e indígenas
y pues por estoy llena
de una ambigüedad
de moralidad
Y pues por eso tengo
la tez blanca con cabello negro y crespo
Soy la sangre de mis abuelos y abuelas
y pues por eso estoy
llena de frialdad
y tambien tengo
un calor único
Soy la sangre mis padres
Y por eso soy
débil y fuerte
Y callada con mal genio
I wrote this in December 2021.
Believing in myself feels like an act of rebellion
after years of self loathing and self destruction
I finally feel enough and complete
Is this some kind of dream?
Do I really love myself?
Do I really accept myself?
Do I really care about myself?
I do and I do and I do
I’m ready to live out my truth
I’m complicated and complex
and not terrible or a hot mess
I’ve been forever misjudged
and thought I was too much
The reality of my authenticity
Brings out a new transparency
I was never too much or not enough
or even the hardest to love
I might be a complicated puzzle to solve
But I’m always, always, worthy of love
I wrote this in December of 2021.
I was never the marrying kind
Don’t know why I forced myself into that line
Maybe because of society’s expectations
I made marriage my destination
But it wasn’t really who I ever was
Forever is not meant to be in my book of love
But still I tried for seven years
And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear
I felt trapped in a cage of my own making
Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking
But it was never truly me
Living this suburban reality
And one day I wanted to sleep forever
My mind collapsed from society’s pressure
to continue this facade of being the perfect wife
With my perfectly imperfect life
My authenticity I had to put aside
I’m a wife and mother of three
There’s no such thing as being free
But these were the lies I told myself
The critic in me I learned to quell
I learned I could be a mother but not a wife
My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride
There would no more anniversaries
We were done with self imposed forgeries
And a new chapter started with us
One full of laughter, friendship and familial love
This is my response to prompt #15: the best kind of surprise
Love surprises me with a glance, with a slight touch on my hand
And 99.9 percent of me wants to run
I don’t want to take a chance once again with my sanity
but the romantic in me say “fuck it”
maybe this will finally be a different story
one where my lover doesn’t leave
In honor of Taylor Swift’s Birthday, I decided to share my favorite Taylor Swift songs! I didn’t become a Swiftie until last winter when Red (Taylor’s Version) came out. Maybe it was because it was such an emotional time for me but I cried when I watched the “All Too Well” video the first time and the second time when I made my three kids watch the video with me. My youngest son unwittingly knows the lyrics to “Anti-Hero” and “Karma” because some days, I blast Swift from Alexa and my record player. I don’t think you get the full Swiftie experience unless you listen to her on vinyl. Also, in November, I spontaneously found myself at a Taylor Swift Dance Party and it was beyond amazing. I’ve included a short clip of it at the bottom. Anyways, this playlist includes what I consider the best of her work and music that’s gotten me through some of my toughest times or has uplifted me in some way. I hope y’all enjoy it:
Anti-Hero
Blank Space
Begin Again
All Too Well (The 10 Minute Version)
Karma
Enchanted
My Tears Ricochet
Death By a Thousand Cuts
Dress
Vigilante Shit
Right Where You Left Me
Delicate
Better Than Revenge
The Lakes
Afterglow
The 1
Long Story Short
Mastermind
Closure
Maroon
The Way I Loved You
This Love
Call It What You Want
Champagne Problems
I Bet You Think About Me
Hoax
Midnight Rain
Back to December
Clean
Mad Woman
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
Style
Bejeweled
Below is a link to my Taylor Swift spotify playlist for your listening pleasure:
Below is a short video I made of the Taylor Swift Party I went to in November, it was so much fun! I love how I’m just exuding happiness and joy in this video, it’s a complete turnaround from who I was last year:
I wrote this in December of 2021.
Patience eludes me
I want to run and jump
to the next chapter of my life
the chapter where I’m the victor
and not the victim
the chapter where I’m a winner
and not a failure
but I need to appreciate the journey
and accept that the bumps along the way
Help me savor the next chapter
full of victories and maybe even love
Patience is a necessary virtue
for the growth and progress
necessary for the next chapter
The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:
Happy Halloween! What’s scarier than a regular bitch?
I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.
I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:
A Decade of Blogging
I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.
I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.
The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:
Contact Info
Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.
This is my response to prompt #10: One thing you could not give up
You might as well do radical lobotomy
before you make me give up writing
You’d be asking me to give up
one of the things I most love–
my creativity with poetry and prose
brings me purpose and meaning on my good days
and helps me stay alive on my bad days
so if you ever ask me to give up my paper and pen
Understand you’d be asking for my slow death
Life on the BPD 