Happy Mother’s Day! I wrote this poem in April of last year inspired by my sons.
finding someone to love used to be a priority
until love burned me one too many times
besides I’ve always had 3 somebodies to love
that always deserved all of my attention
with them I’m never alone
with them there will always be inspiration
with them my love overflows
at this point, it would be useless for anyone to compete
with this complete kind of love
Happy international Nurse’s Day to all the nurses and especially my favorite nurse, my sister. We’ve had a complicated relationship through most of my life but within the past few years, our relationship has gotten a lot better. I have more to say about this but that calls for a longer blog post in the future. Today, I want to honor her for being the awesome human being that she is. Below is a picture of us at a concert we went in July of 2022 and a poem I wrote in December of 2021 when she turned 47.
To My Sister On Her 47th birthday
you’re 3 years away 50
but still look like you’re in your 30’s
Has anyone told you how amazing you are?
Have our parents loved you out loud?
I’ve always admired you for your fortitude and resilience
but wish for you to have peace and an opportunity to be soft
I get it though –
It is hard to be soft in
a society that expects you resemble a tower of strength,
where you take care of everyone first and put yourself last
It was something you had to learn at a young age
you used to be the
Villian in my book at times,
but lately I think of you as the victim
and the victor_
You’re a victim of life-
the victim because of the pressure
you were put under for being the oldest
the victim for being a woman of color
in a racist and sexist society
But you’re also the victor-
the victor never giving up-
no matter how fucked up life got for you
the victor for facing shit head on without any fucks
and with an intimidating confidence (maybe that’s why I was jealous)
oh sister of mine,
on your 47th year-I hope.
you get to sit and enjoy
the wonderful life you’ve created
I wrote this poem in May of 2022 inspired by this “woke” white woman. Lol.
you’re nothing but a selfish and narcissistic attention whore
constantly craving the limelight
by posting long and stupid ridden Facebook statuses
about the “truth” of the injustice you see
injecting yourself as the voice of minorities
it all unveils your world of deep seated insecurities
and the irony of all of this is should you know better
since you’re a therapist
but apparently you’re still dumb as fuck
It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have-you still reek of ignorance
I wrote this poem in May 2022.
I’d rather live in music, daydreams, and fantasies
than face the monotony and routine of real life
who wants to deal with spreadsheets
when I can get lost in dreams about finding the one
who wants to answer to karen’s idiotic questions
when I got taylor swift on repeat
who wants to open and read another email
about another stupid workplace policy
when I can fantasize about the best sex
I had the a few nights ago
real life is too boring for me
when I have music, daydreams, and fantasies
waiting to inspire the writer in me
Here is the English version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/31/poetry-newfound-emptiness/
busco la adrenalina de amor en los brazos de otro
pero no siento nada cuando el me toca, cuando el me hace el amor
y finjo sentir algo para que el acabe
y me pueda levantar y irme a mi casa
donde lloro y lloro lágrimas inútiles
mientras escucho a Alejandro Sanz
y escribo poemas acerca de la soledad infernal
que vivo cada día que trato de superar
Happy Asian American and Pacific Islander Month! I wrote this poem inspired by my favorite Asian American, my oldest son.
I was young and so stupid
a kid having another kid
but with you I grew up
and learned the meaning of love
you’re everything a mother could want
a wonderful and amazing son
and while I’ll feel some grief
the day you’ll your spread wings
I’ll feel a special kind of pride
as I watch you shine your golden light
I wrote this poem in May of 2022.
I wonder where all of my money goes
but then I go home to the bottomless pits
that are my kids
and then I go upstairs to my bedroom
where my closet is exploding with clothes
and then I look under bed full of shoes
and then I go downstairs to my record player
and looks at my various vinyls
and we won’t even talk about my newly
acquired furniture from Amazon
now I understand
my money goes to my busy life
and my BPD spending impulsivity
Here is the English Version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/25/cant-forget/
vivo de recuerdos y sueños de lo que alguna vez fuimos
y quisiera morir que vivir en esta soledad opaca y amarga
donde lloro lagrimas que tu nunca veras
y escribo cartas y poemas que tú nunca leerás
Aqui esta la version en Espanol de este poema:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/02/02/poesia-la-mujer-de-hoy/
your wretched goodbye brought a radical change within me
left behind was the naive girl who fell in love with you
left behind was the stupid bitch who made a home in you
left behind was the insecure woman who made you her world
the woman who stands before you made a 360 turn
the woman who stands before lives life according to her own terms
without apologizing, without accommodation, without toning herself down
the woman you left behind no longer exists
she turned into ashes and out of the ashes turned into a brave and powerful queen
who learned that her love is the rarest type of jewel that she reserves
only for those who love her and accept her exactly as she is
Here is the English Version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/22/so-much/
el miedo de compartir todo demasiado pronto corre por mi
entonces me hago la chica de tus sueños
la que se viste sexy y se ríe de todas tus bromas
la que da su cuerpo fácilmente sin preguntas o demandas
la que no exige respeto por miedo
de vivir el cuento de mujer dejada de nuevo
Here is the English Version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/28/poetry-my-past/
el disco de mi trauma toca en el tocadisco de mi vida
en un ciclo infinito de los errores cometidos
en un ciclo infinito de lo que pudo ser
y trato y trato de escaparme
hallar brazos nuevos que me abracen y olvidarme de él
emborracharme hasta quedarme dormida esperando
la nostalgia de él no me visite en mis sueños
y rezar por una cura, un remedio
para borrarlo de mi mente para siempre
para poder empezar de nuevo con alguien que sepa valorarme
Sin el fantasma de el constante persiguiendome
I wrote this poem on Valentine’s Day of 2022.
Your false love swallowed me into an ocean of oblivion
and I almost drowned
You consumed my mind with anxious thoughts
of whether or not I mattered to you
And thoughts of death visited me when you ignored me
Feelings of worthlessness and emptiness
threatened my wretched existence over and over again
because of your inconsistent love
But one day, I was enough by myself
I didn’t need your pseudo love
So I’m banishing you to the land of past lovers
who never deserved the magic
of my love
Here is the English version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/26/poetry-indifference/
vivimos en un mundo de indiferencia
pero continuamos fingiendo que nos amamos
cuando en realidad todavía no me olvidado de él
y tu todavia piensas en ella
pero los dos tenemos miedo a la soledad
por eso seguimos juntos en una existencia de falsedad
I still ache inside at times
over past regrets, over past mishaps
it’s when doubt in me starts to rise
And I fear another emotional relapse
but then faith whispers to me
let go of your past and focus on your present
and I float back down to reality
and once again gain confidence
my past and trauma never defined me
it’s part of my heroine’s journey
at times I may have been terrible
but I’ve always taken accountability
at times I’ve felt irreparable
but it’s a false story I told myself
I’ve finally learned how to knock out
those thoughts of how awful I’ve been
I’ve learned the art of compassion and grace
for myself
Here is the English Version of this poem:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/01/23/poetry-youre-a-mess/
Me alejo de ti porque esto ya no funciona
Me alejo de ti porque no puedo seguir en tu aura
de desmadre y caos que eres
Me alejo de ti por el bien de los dos
para que tu encuentras tu calma
para que yo no pierda mi cordura
