I love her and she will be mine- because i know whatβs good for her because she needs me in her life as sheβs a complete mess and I can save her I can fix her I can be her hero her confidant, her eternal lover
no, Susan or Ken, your ex wasn’t a narcissist, they just got tired of your bullshit. honestly, though, we need to stop arm chair diagnosing people with this word. it’s turning into a “catch all term” to make us feel better about ourselves when a relationship ends or we have a fallout with someone. I’ve been accused of it and I’ve accused others of it and it just made things worse. So, yeah, let’s stop using the word “narcissist” unless we are a legit mental health professional or we know for sure that person has been diagnosed as a narcissist.
Insecurities and anxiety from my immigrant childhood Come out to play and my adult self wants to run away I thought I was healed from this I hate these triggers—but I still confront them even if I donβt want to I cry and write about them, reprocess something not quite healed Am I on the way to my recovery from BPD?
the facade of equality is cloaked in good intentions and lovely words- and while laws have been passed to prevent discrimination and to try to level the game of success, itβs all a sham, itβs all a con we still live in a world where the color of your skin and social status and gender determine your prosperity
did you drink your water today? did you remind yourself youβre worthy of love? did you understand you were always enough? will you repeat after me- I wonβt run away from or suppress my feelings I need to face my emotions head on or else Iβll break down
At 5 am, I woke up and wrote a 4 page poem about how I wasnβt enough and proceeded to crash my car and my therapist asked if I wanted to die- And I was like βnah, I just couldnβt reign my impulsivity inβ at least this time I got control of the car and didnβt fuck anyone else up
I used to water my roots with the supposed love of others their compliments, their energy made me whole but eventually theyβd tired of being my water, my earth my everything and leave And I was left once again incomplete- until one day I learned to water my roots with my tears, my strength, my self-love And now my growth and potential are infinite
My favorite words are my sons names names that taught me about patience and unconditional love names that have made me get up when I didnβt want to names that fill me with faith and hope when Iβm about to lose it names that make me want to become a better person than I was yesterday names I live for names I would die for
Our relationship slowly wilted Too many broken promises Too many sacrifices on my part I gave you my youth and you two children and you couldnβt give me an ounce of affection I tried to melt your icy cold wall and you denied my warmth And I tried over and over again to save us! But how do you save something that continues to die? Date nights, long conversations,accommodating to your needs continuously, and marriage counseling but all of it was useless and completely pointless So I gave up and let our marriage fall into a coffin along with your broken promises to change I even kept the coffin open with a slight hope we could fix us But one day I got tired of waiting, waiting and waiting and I decided to close the coffin and nail it shut- It was time to bury our lackluster love
love is a magnet for my insanity love is a magnet for feeling worthless love is magnet for everything wrong in me so I locked the door to my heart with a padlock and threw away the key I canβt trust myself again to risk my vulnerability
Delusion is believing this time it will be different ,it’s believing heβs not like the others and really gets you Itβs believing him when he tells you he loves you when you know how this story always ends Everything will be fine until one day itβs not and within a few days You go from lovers to strangers
viendote de nuevo me hizo temblar y me odie por que pense que ya te habia superado pero el recuerdo vago de tus labios y tu retorno enciende una quimica magica que no se puede ignorar
Setting This takes place in a nice and clean kitchen and there is a refrigerator with pictures and Jasonβs drawings and also a table.
LACIE enters following MARY into the kitchen door and sits down. LACIE puts her coat on the chair. LACIE is coming home from prison. LACIE walks with a slight limp and sits down.
LACIE: Damn, Mom, the kitchen looks a helluva lot different compared to the last time I was here. MARY: Well, I guess I forgot to mention to you. We renovated the kitchen last summer. LACIE: Well, I gotta tell ya , you really outdid yourself. MARY: Yeah, well with your dadβs new job, weβve been able to do a lot of things around here we always wanted to do but never had the money toβ LACIE: Wait, Dad got a new job? God, heβs been at Phillips Assembly for years, I thought he would stay there forever. MARY: Well, ya know we thought it was time for him to move on to something elseβ¦something where he could better our situation. LACIE: Still, Dad and change, you know damn well those are just two things that donβt go together.(Looks at fingernails and bites them.) So, where is he working? MARY: Dacute Enterprises. Heβs an overseer for their assembly line.
(LACIE bursts out laughing.)
MARY: Hey, whatβs so funny? LACIE: Who in their right mind would give a drunk a supervisory position?
(MARY frowns.)
MARY: Well, maybe things have changed more than ya think. LACIE: Whadda ya mean? MARY: Youβll see. So, how does it feel to finally be back home? LACIE: Pretty good. But damn, I didnβt imagine that so much shit would change βround here. MARY: Hey, watch your language around here!
LACIE: It didnβt bother ya before.
MARY: Well, we donβt talk that way no more.
(LACIE gives MARY a dismissive look.)
MARY: Ya know, for Jasonβs sake.
LACIE: Okay, then.
MARY: So, ya hungry?
LACIE: Yeah.
MARY: Whadda ya feel like eating?
(MARY goes to the refrigerator and looks for something to cook.)
LACIE: Anything really.
MARY: Okay.
(MARY pulls out something to cooks fridge. LACIE looks at JASONβS artwork on
the side of the fridge.)
LACIE: So, these are Jasonβs drawings?
(MARY closes fridge and looks proudly at artwork.)
MARY: Yeah, creative ainβt he?
LACIE: Yeah, I see that. I canβt wait βtil he gets home. Me and him have lotsof catching up to do.
MARY: Donβt get so excited , we really do need to talk aboutβ
LACIE: Later, I donβt feel up to listening to one of your talksβ¦had to listen to enough of them when you use to visit me.
(MARY lets out a big sigh.)
MARY: Okay.
LACIE: So, whenβs he coming home?
MARY: Well your dad shoulda picked him up from voice lessons ten minutes ago so they should be home maybe in 30 minutes.
LACIE: Voice lessons? What theβ¦.I mean, when did this happen?
MARY: Six months ago,the reverend at church heard him singing one day and thought he was pretty good and so he suggested voice lessons to fine tune his instrument, whateva that means. Your dad didnβt wanna let him at first, but Jason, as always, found a way to convince him.
LACIE: Church huh? Since, when did yβall start going to church?
MARY: Wellβ¦
LACIE: Ya know something; I need a beer about now.
(LACIE gets up and looks in the fridge for a beer.)
LACIE: Where does dad keep the beer nowadays? I canβt find it. MARY: Your dad doesnβt drink anymore.
(LACIE slams the refrigerator door and sits down.)
LACIE: What do you mean dad donβt drink no more? You gotta be joking right? MARY: Now why would I joke about something like that?
LACIE: He donβt drink no more? At all? MARY: Nope. It was one of the conditions the social worker gave us that your dad had to agree to so the state would let us have custody of Jason. I wanted him to tell you himself, butβ LACIE: What the hell! I mean I know Iβve been gone for a while, but sheesh I expected at least a few things to stay the same. MARY: I thought youβd be happy your dad stopped drinking. I know itβs something you used to always whine about. LACIE: I know I did, itβs just thatβ¦ MARY: What is it? LACIE: Never mind. Well, at least I can count on one thing and thatβs finally getting to know my kid. I canβt wait to see him. I wonder if heβll still remember meβ MARY: We need to talk. LACIE: I told you, I donβt feel likeβ MARY: You just donβt know. There are some things that weβve had to tellβ
(DALE enters with JASON running. Jason notices Lacie and hides behind Maryβs chair.)
MARY: I wasnβt expecting yβall so soon. (Gives DALE an accusatory look.)A call sure wouldβve been nice. DALE: Well, I didnβt expect Jβs lesson to let out so early and since I wasβ JASON: Whoβs that?
(Lacie approaches Jason slowly.)
LACIE: You should know who I am, now come over here and give your β
(Dale immediately gets in between Lacie and Jason and pulls Jason to him, faces him.)
MARY: Sister a big hug. Donβt ya remember we talked last week about a sister that might be coming to live with us? JASON: Oh! Now, I remember! The one living inβ¦in (Jason starts scratching his head) DALE: Europe for the past six years. JASON: Thatβs rightβ¦Hey, Iβm Jason
(Extends hand to LACIE, LACIE grabs him and hugs him, JASON is real uncomfortable. LACIE wonβt let go of JASON, MARY goes and rescues JASON from LACIEβS grasp and pulls him towards her. LACIEβS eyes tear up.)
MARY: Jason, honey, why donβt you go wash up and go to your room for a little while your dad and I catch up with your sister. JASON: Okay, Mommy.
(JASON leaves, but looks back in kind of a weird way at LACIE.)
(LACIE stands there for a minute and then walks towards where JASON went, MARY stops her by grabbing her by the shoulders. Theyβre facing each other.)
MARY: Donβt! LACIE: Sister? Europe? What kinda lies have you been telling MY son? DALE: Keep your voice down, the boy will hear you.
(MARY motions for LACIE to sit down but LACIE wonβt.)
MARY: Sit down, please, your dad and I need to explain a few things to you.
LACIE: Explain what? That you have basically stolen my son from meβ¦ YOU promised me he would know who I was once I got out. No fucking wonder you wouldnβt bring him to come visit me. I ainβt gonna listen to this shit.
(LACIE heads towards the door to get JASON but DALE stands in front of the door.)
LACIE: Get outta my way, youβ DALE: Sit down and shut up and LISTEN to what me and your ma have to say if you care about Jason at all. LACIE: Shit! Thatβs funny coming from you considering all my life the only thing you ever cared about was your fucking Rolling Rock. I wouldnβt be in this fucking mess if you hadnβt been such a sorry-
(DALE slaps LACIE across the cheek, MARY pulls them apart, all three of them just stand there for a moment.)
LACIE: I donβt need this shit! Iβm getting my son and leaving this hellhole! MARY: Please, Lacie, donβt be so damn stubborn and hear us outβ LACIE: Why the hell should I?
(LACIE walks towards the door again.)
MARY: If youβre not a completely selfish bitch, you will-
(LACIE stops and faces MARY.)
LACIE: Selfish, like you should be one to fucking talk calling ME selfish when youβre the one who wouldnβt stop HIM(pointing to DALE) from beating the shit out of me when heβ MARY: Just calm down and let me explain some things to you LACIE: I guess Iβll have to just so you leave me alone. (Crosses her arms with a scowl)
(MARY sits down.)
MARY: Okay, okay. When you had your little incident- LACIE: Damn, you make it sound like I tripped and fell or something. DALE: What your ma means is that when you were arrested, we found out all of a sudden you had a son. MARY: Yeah, you donβt think it took us by surprise? You were gone for two years and we looked everywhere for youβ LACIE: And so because youβre pissed off at me, you decided to get back at me by telling MY son that you are his parents. MARY: When are you going to learn the whole world doesnβt revolve around you? What we did was out of love for our grandson. Now just listenβ¦as I was saying we looked for you everywhere. DALE: And then the cops come up to the house one day and tell us you have killed your husband and if we could take our grandson in. MARY: A grandson that needed so much out of us and we had no choice and saw ourselves raising your son. DALE: We started to see things in a new way, ya know. MARY: All we wanted for him was to grow up with a normal familyβ¦ so yeah for his well beingβ¦we told him we were his parents, and you were his sister. LACIE: I canβt believe you did this! DALE: What did you expect us to do? Tell him that his real mom was in jail for killing his father. LACIE: Oh and you think I killed him for fun or something, I had to kill that asshole to save both me and Jasonβ¦you donβt fucking understandβ¦that sick bastard had already broken my leg and when I found him trying to mess with Jasonβ¦I knew I had to do something to save him from that monster and I didnβt care if I went to jail for it. DALE: Whatβs done is done, thereβs no turning back. You can either stay here and live under these conditions or you can leave. LACIE: I canβt fucking believe this, Mom, I expected you out of all people to understand. Donβt you understand? Everything I did, I did it for him! MARY: I do understand but β¦you should understand, we were left with no other choice other than to do the right thing for him. LACIE: And thatβs all you have to say! DALE: Like I said before, you can either live with this or you can go. LACIE: I guess Iβll just have toβ
(A basketball bounces into the kitchen and JASON enters the room skipping looking for his ball.)
JASON: Just came to get my ballβ¦
(Picks up basketball and holds it.)
MARY: What did I tell you about playing ball in the house? JASON: Iβm sorry β¦wonβt do it againβ¦sheesh. LACIE: Hiβ¦ JASON: You okay? LACIE: Yeah, Iβm fineβ¦Iβm just a little sad. JASON: Why LACIE: I have to make a choice about something important. JASON: Why? LACIE: Because I just have to. JASON: Umβ¦okay. (gets his ball) I got an ideaβ¦ maybe if you play some b-ball with meβ¦you might feel better. LACIE: Thatβs actually not a bad idea.
My lack of worth of self-esteem allowed me to accept not even the bare minimum from lovers as long as they showed any interest in me, any sign of wanting me, Iβd give them my energy made them the muse of my poetry put them on a pedestal where I worshiped them like a deity and made what I mistook for love my religion thought each one was the one because of my inability to find self-love it was the version of me who thought the world began and ended with the love of a man It was the version of me who didnβt know that alone I had always been whole, I had always been enough