This is my response to prompt #15: the best kind of surprise
sometimes you have to say “fuck it”
Love surprises me with a glance, with a slight touch on my hand And 99.9 percent of me wants to run I don’t want to take a chance once again with my sanity but the romantic in me say “fuck it” maybe this will finally be a different story one where my lover doesn’t leave
In honor of Taylor Swift’s Birthday, I decided to share my favorite Taylor Swift songs! I didn’t become a Swiftie until last winter when Red (Taylor’s Version) came out. Maybe it was because it was such an emotional time for me but I cried when I watched the “All Too Well” video the first time and the second time when I made my three kids watch the video with me. My youngest son unwittingly knows the lyrics to “Anti-Hero” and “Karma” because some days, I blast Swift from Alexa and my record player. I don’t think you get the full Swiftie experience unless you listen to her on vinyl. Also, in November, I spontaneously found myself at a Taylor Swift Dance Party and it was beyond amazing. I’ve included a short clip of it at the bottom. Anyways, this playlist includes what I consider the best of her work and music that’s gotten me through some of my toughest times or has uplifted me in some way. I hope y’all enjoy it:
the day that Red(Taylor’s Version) came out
Anti-Hero Blank Space Begin Again All Too Well (The 10 Minute Version) Karma Enchanted My Tears Ricochet Death By a Thousand Cuts Dress Vigilante Shit Right Where You Left Me Delicate Better Than Revenge The Lakes Afterglow The 1 Long Story Short Mastermind Closure Maroon The Way I Loved You This Love Call It What You Want Champagne Problems I Bet You Think About Me Hoax Midnight Rain Back to December Clean Mad Woman This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things Style Bejeweled
Below is a link to my Taylor Swift spotify playlist for your listening pleasure:
Below is a short video I made of the Taylor Swift Party I went to in November, it was so much fun! I love how I’m just exuding happiness and joy in this video, it’s a complete turnaround from who I was last year:
I never said I was a singer but I was tipsy and having the time of my life…lol
Patience eludes me I want to run and jump to the next chapter of my life the chapter where I’m the victor and not the victim the chapter where I’m a winner and not a failure but I need to appreciate the journey and accept that the bumps along the way Help me savor the next chapter full of victories and maybe even love Patience is a necessary virtue for the growth and progress necessary for the next chapter
The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:
I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.
I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:
I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.
I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.
The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:
Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.
Excited about what the 11th year of Blogging will bring
At 40, I feel like the ultimate Queen after losing layers and layers of my princess skin The broken princess I had to beat to finally feel enough and complete Friends and men full of duplicity Have no place in my world of authenticity I no longer wear my crown of guilt and shame It caused me too much emotional pain Instead I wear a crown of confidence and power being true to myself is my superpower Fuck anyone who thinks I’m too much or not enough You assholes were never deserving of my love I am the ultimate Queen and I’m finally making myself seen
This is my response to prompt #5: Something you know something a lot
where is my honorary degree tho?
Where is my honorary degree in my BPD recovery ? I’ve read more books than I’ve cared to- I’ve acknowledged more toxic patterns than I wanted to- And I’m almost an expert at DBT But I still have days when I think it’s all bullshit I still have times I miss the chaos in my life so I know I still have a long way to go in this journey and it’s needed to fulfill my potential I need to let go of anything that caused me harm and say goodbye to who I once was Thanks to this recovery journey I’m self aware, I’m full of self compassion, I’m going to become the best version of myself
You left me in an eternal darkness Without any compassion, without any humanity You caused me an infinite pain with your malicious and false ways You left me in a world of insecurity How can I trust ever again? But I promise you thing you’ll remember me After our painful parting You had it all with me And now there’s no way To recover my love With a unique and ardent warmth
I wrote this in 2017 during my great depression. I guess I was just annoyed and angry by society.
me in 2017 around the time I wrote this poem
Simple decency is becoming extinct Manners and politeness is rare rudeness and sarcasm is the norm Being kind feels outdated in this narcissistic society filled with superfluous and superficial people Who bring their harsh and shallow attitudes everywhere There is no escape from this epidemic of the nothingness that tries to appear profound It is a society that blames the victim “ but what was she wearing?” or “He was hanging out with the wrong kids” It is a society that’s prejudiced against anyone different “Go back to where you came from” “You’ll never belong here” “People will always remember how you made them feel”, Maya Angelou said Unnecessary, weak, aloof, isolated alone Is how this world makes me feel I’m a FAILURE trying to accommodate myself to this world full of shallow feelings I miss the kind and real people in this world It’s rare to find them now They are almost extinct
Porque me demore tanto tiempo en descubrir que tu eras otra cancion estupida Porque tuvistes que ser una basura y dejarme con un sabor amargo en mi boca Porque me creí en tu actuación de hombre bueno Porque causastes una herida tan severa en mi corazón Estoy harta de este infierno de tristeza Porque te apareciste en mi vida solo para arruinarmela