radical self compassion and grace falls from my life as thoughts of crashing my car unintentionally come to the surface of my mind but this happens every year in early december the old me from 2016 still wants to be heard and seen the trauma from her is visiting me mixed with winter and PMDD and lack of sleep makes me feel incompetent and unworthy of existing but I resist and resist thoughts of self harm and despair there is still too much life left in me and besides it’s one bad day out of many Tomorrow, tomorrow, is another day, another sunrise, another sunset another brand new beginning
desperation and despair sounds like a former friend calling me out of the blue, asking me for numbers of drug dealers I used to know saying it’s a matter of life and death in shock, I tell him I’m a different person from who he used to know I couldn’t help him-the call ends- I’m no longer the person he used to know I finally understand my value and worth
there will be no more lamentations for what was once scattered across my journals and notebooks from now on, I hold my head up high and look towards the sky
I wouldn’t visit your grave a second time once you died you’re not worth my time, you’re not worth my energy I’d already would be forced to say my goodbyes at your passing due to our familial connections and I want to be respectful to my sister and nephews but after that I never want to think about you again with your death I want to bury the harm done-the trauma you caused and move on
Inti came out in full force today wanting to play and it lit a light inside of me Fierce and ready to run towards the potential inside waiting to be taken advantage of
I found God as a poet sang on stage sang “Don’t be scared little child, you’re no demon” it was a moment of triumph acknowledging that all of this time, I had been lying to myself I was never a demon, or the monster larger than life I had made myself out to be I was just a flawed and imperfect child of God
sometimes I wish you were here- so you could share your wisdom, so you could explain your truth I followed in your footsteps of being a teenage mom And it would have ripped me apart to have abandoned my son so I’m wondering how you did it- were you full of guilt or was it because of your lack of options how did you survive being away from your child and go on with your life as if he was an afterthought Perhaps I’m judging you harshly and I don’t understand the whole story I just want it to make sense
on days like today when the world hurts and i can’t stop doom scrolling reminding me that everything is burning I put down my phone, pause and breathe and ground myself in my friendships which are a reminder of love to me which are a reminder that no matter what happens in this world, I have people to hold space for me which are a reminder of hope and because of that I can keep on going
are we going in time with our lack of rights with prejudices more overt- this is suppose to be a first world country and yet no one is safe sending my child to school i pray he’ll come back in one piece going to work I hope a mentally ill or disgruntled employee doesn’t walk in with revenge in his mind and a gun in his hand and i’m even afraid of sex birth control isn’t fool proof and I’d be forced to carry an oops are we going to back in time or is this the new America?
apathetic voter
full of apathy-i no longer have the faith and hope in government I once had i’m starting to think that renouncing my homeland was a waste to become an American thinking my vote counted for something, that it meant something aside from the ease of traveling my situation is still the same a working class reality where I’m still struggling a high functioning mental case doing her best to survive in a country that thrives on capitalism
polls
must I go to the polls and vote? everyone tells me I must to maintain my rights and for my future but lately I feel apathetic about it all- feeling I’ve never made a difference feeling like it’s so much bullshit but since I’ve heard Nazi sympathizers are in this race and I’m an other I”m forced to go to the stupid polls for mine and my loved ones survival
these poems are from 2022 and I’m more disillusioned than ever with the government. I’ve always leaned towards being a liberal/democrat and while I’ll still go out there and vote for whatever is deemed the “lesser evil”, I absolutely hate that we don’t have a third option that’s way more humane. And for anyone who thinks, “well, you should go back to your country”, at this point, I am working on having that as an option in the near future. Going back to Peru last year and this year has given me a new perspective about everything my parents gave up to immigrate to this country and it’s overwhelming because it was a lot. While I understand their reasons and while Peru does not have the most stable government either, the quality of life there seems better in a lot of ways. Who knows what will happen next year with the elections but I’m making sure my kids have their passports and I keep my connections with family and friends in Peru.
looking back on my tbr list from 2016 I think -pretentious much- it feels like it was a different person who added 600 something books to goodreads because now I don’t have any interest in most of these books in fact, most of these books that I once wanted to read would now bore me to tears maybe in 2016, I thought reading books about philosophy and history would make me smart enough for those I thought as evolved and now it just disgusts me now,I’d rather stick to poetry and interesting stories
I had fallen in love with brown and hazel eyes Before the disaster with blue eyes walked into my life Those blue eyes would make me believe in love again Those blue eyes would be the first to make me want to die of shame and guilt and cause more trauma than he ever intended Then again, I was only twenty and there were a dozen years between us he should have known better than to fuck with a girl who was barely a woman but carnal desire ruled both him and I And we were tricked thinking it was love but we were completely wrong and he got to walk away without any consequences While I was slut shamed and had to endure the trauma
I wrote this poem about you, someone I wish I never knew
Implied I was a heretic because of my tarot cards told me I should look up some verse in the bible that validates your suspicion that I’m breaking bread with the devil because of esoteric tendencies the funny and ironic thing in your lecture is my tarot cards never harmed me or made me feel Worthless and the nearest I came to living with devil energy is the man you look at when you look in the mirror
while our friendship has been various shades of gray I’d never imagined that one day it’d turn black without an explanation leaving me alone to find closure leaving me in tears to find acceptance and understanding that somehow our friendship wasn’t meant to be
Life on the BPD 