a feeling of desire for you, anticipating our next kiss, anticipating the first time you make me yours and I almost die from our mutual pleasure anticipating the first time weβre somewhere where you make me coffee and those 3 little words I havenβt heard in a long time slip out of your mouth
I try to banish the clouds of doubts and insecurities in me everytime Iβm in love, I get like this everytime I start to feel comfortable in a new sanctuary I start to question if iβm worthy, if iβm deserving is it possible that really, Iβm the problem and the one who sabotages everything
putting in bold letters I support ICE in your facebook profile pic I quickly unfriended yours and your husbandβs joint facebook account the one created after he stepped out on you and karma was served to you for being a homewrecker several years ago the one created to keep tabs on him so he wouldnβt do it again and as I write this, I almost laugh hysterically because of course it makes sense that you support Trump, ICE, and everyone who wants to destroy and rips rights away from everyone whoβs not white and straight After all, didnβt you yourself tear a family apart? so it makes perfect sense also I always wondered who the other woman was from your hateful vitriol of immigrants and latinas she must be one hell of a Latina who almost took your man
Iβll leave an emotional stain on your life that will be hard to get rid of Youβll curse the day I was born Youβll regret the day you ever meet me because I demand respect, because Iβll never be your safe place because Iβll say βnoβ to being relegated to the role of mistress and youβll accuse me of being crazy and narcissist just because I wanted to be treated with dignity just because I want to be seen as more than another girl to pass the time with
going from βpeople watchingβ energy to βJunoβ energy is not for the weak itβs accepting that finally your time has come and your turn is here despite your many attempts to build an impenetrable wall no one can get through someone was brave enough to get to know you, to claim you as theirs and while there is still a jaded part of you that attempts to not make much of this because at the end they all leave the romantic in you wins and you fall like alice into the wonderland of love
once my boundaries are crossed, I CUT YOU OUT LIKE TAGS ON MY CLOTHING (like the great Conan Gray said)
itβs not romance, itβs harassment placing me on your dream girl altar and telling me about your boner Even after IΒ told you no But then you still threw me your delusional love and when I was honest right away and I told you βIβm sorry but noβ somehow now Iβm a crazy bitch, a stranger whoβs letting her mental illness talk for her after calling out your misogynistic behavior All I said was no to you and the insults come on cue I warned you, didnβt I and now foul, you cry I told you I wasnβt ready for what you had to offer but you kept playing the part of my great admirer and maybe Iβm fucked up in the head but your fantasies I needed to behead I needed to keep myself safe from men like you who try to bully me into loving them into giving in because your endless attention and compliments havenβt you read my story? Iβm not no longer a woman who bends and bends to manβs thirst for me
my rage comes in like a bright orange burst and it explodes in social media posts, my notebooks, and journal itβs my inner child scared and anxious who feels threatened and take it upon herself to call on middle age me to defend her, to protect her from the cruelty and abuse happening in front of her so many families like mine torn apart so many immigrant children like me many years ago crying for their parents not understanding why this is happening and I feel the heavy weight of impotence not knowing how I can help or what to do to stop all of this needless pain and suffering happening in front of me and all I see is a bright orange burst of rage ready to punch walls because my empathetic and soft heart feels the cries, the whimpers, the screams of the parents and kids whose only crime was to leave their country in search for a better life
to inhabit and exist in my body is exhausting itβs constantly being in fight or flight mode constantly waiting in hypervigilance for the next atrocity from this administration wondering if my son will make it home today without incident worrying if my parents or brother will be taken away by the American Gestapo lighting candles and praying on my rosary for my familyβs safety and my sanity try my best to function as democracy is falling and continuously reminding people yes, immigrants are human beings and deserving of respect and dignity
floating in a neon pink haze , the afterlife awaits no more suffering, no more mental health crisis no more dark doses of reality this could be lovely and nice but Iβm pushed out by forces beyond my control wake up in a fog my soulβs purpose has not been fulfilled I must continue telling my story
one day Iβll give my testimony of how I burned down to ashes and resurrected from them and wrote my powerful chapter called empowerment and love and how the worst of me had to happen in order for me to to become the powerhouse in front of you
that silver lining turned into a dark cloud real quick
phosphene blooms across the room when I catch you staring at me and I feel an electric shock go through me this feels like a new kind of crazy this feels like a new stirring of hope I never expected to feel this way ever again And this feels like my silver lining a long time coming
charcoal lights up the grill, my son draws a silly drawing on the pavement today the summer breeze hits as we drink and laugh about our past misadventures about how dramatic I used to be about how sensitive you once were how everything is trauma deconstructed and put to rest and only positive energy exchanged between us Building each other up every step of our lives
temptation all around me to repeat the same unhealthy stories to the sabotage the healthy energy in front of me it would be so easy to do so allow it all to combust in front of me but I wonβt this time Iβll be different this time Iβll do my best to make it work this time he knew the poet in me before he met me and I have no hidden corners of myself left and with all that said I know we have a chance of making it
from my favorite movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
Wish I could say Iβm a chill and cool kind of girl when it comes to love but Iβm not because once Iβm into you and I let you in it will be hard to get rid of me because I am a nurturer and Iβll love you with my whole heart and Iβll make you the center of my world and find ways for us to get closer wait, wait, wait this version of me no longer exist she went up in flames a few years back Nowadays, the slightest sirens go off in me and I want to run away and block him Cease and desist any evidence of him, the slightest offence and it takes everything out of me to remember my skills learned in therapy Tell him, I need a bit of time to process and weβll talk in the morning I know that after a good nightβs sleep, Iβll look at things differently and wonβt fuck up my new love story because of a single simple misunderstanding