I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt. Even thought I was still resentful over the trauma I had been through because of him, I still had a somewhat idealistic perspective over what happened between us during the time we spent together. It was weird.
but its hard for someone like me to understand that
I never thought seeing you again Would make my world tremble again I thought I was over this A few years back When I was left with nothing But the faint memory of your lips But seeing you again like this Brings back all of these memories of our beautiful past
I wrote this poem on February 22, 2021. I wrote this while I still in a relationship with my most recent ex. I really thought he would be the one to stay but it wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. I look at year 39 that in spite of facing constant depression and craziness because of COVID, I still had something important in life and that was love even if at the end it didn’t work out. It was a year full of magical moments that I will never regret.
February 22, 2021
Last day of thirty nine and I look back on this decade with love and no regrets The decade started with my third miracle of life and ended with the miracle of love The decade started with a once stable and normal suburban life and ended with a chaotically busy and poly life The decade started with a half loved marriage and ended with an almost separation Toxicity ruled 2 and a half years of the decade but he left Now I’m left with a new determination to fulfill my potential and let no one or nothing stop me
I wrote this on February 22, 2020. I had started working at Kroger in October of the previous year, was still trying to stop my situationship with “C”, and had just started dating my most recent ex-the second Andrew. I was becoming hyper aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns and didn’t want to repeat them and had my guard up but life happens and well I fell in love.
February 22, 2020
On the last day of 38 I’m filled with so much hate Hate for the life I never had Hate for me and my soon to be ex spouse and for our toxic codependency The year has been filled with highs and lows- I was prolific with my poetry about my toxic lover My toxic lover that follows a pattern of toxic lovers since the age of 15 Toxic lovers that abused me, used me, and discarded me like trash- Toxic lovers that made me question my worth Toxic lovers that left me breathless with chemistry that felt like a drug Toxic lovers that I kept coming back to out of the habit of not loving myself enough Toxic lovers that never want to define an “us” Toxic lovers-that starting 2 weeks ago I will leave forever alone And on year 38 with all of my hate and rage for my mediocre life I decided to fight Fight with determination and purpose for the life me and my kids deserve Fight with my body working endless hours with fatigue and sore knees for the future I always wanted A future that looks independent and thriving on my own A future that will become my own universe who no one can enter I may cry, I may want to die but I will not give up- not when I’m so close And even though I met a ray of hope with my first lover’s name towards the end of year 38 My walls will stay up and guarded No piece of my vulnerability Will be exposed to him until I’m sure it’s not the same old toxic codependent story On the last day of thirty eight I work on inner healing I work on inner peace I work on goals to finally emerge as a butterfly on year 39 On the last day of 38 I say forever goodbye to toxic patterns and lovers I say forever goodbye to the old insecure me to welcome the new and confident me- I say forever goodbye to my once comfortable and mediocre life to welcome a universe full of great potential–
I wrote this in late 2002. It was about a coworker I was crushing on. I think this was thecoworker that I left a love note for under his windshield wiper. Yeah, that was one of my cringiest/most Joe Goldberg like moment. Haha.
sometimes it be like that
I got the short end of the stick When you were the one my heart picked For I know how you feel You and me could never be real What you don’t know is that Even though I’m not a doormat I would do almost anything for you Even if it meant dying for you You probably don’t even notice How much I long for just one kiss It would send me into a universe of happiness Too bad you don’t think I’m the best You may not know me But you’ve already judged me It’s so hard to discard of the notion That we’ll never share a love emotion You’ll be my discarded crush The one I will forever lust
Iwrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had figured out that John wasn’t for me but I prayed to God that maybe he was a preview of the love I hoped for.
my truth
Perhaps you’re not the man God meant to send me But the fantasy I’ve always dreamed of Someone so innocent And passionate at the same time So sheltered from the world But you still contain a fountain of wisdom Beyond your 23 years I know already not to make too much of this I just have one wish That one day I’ll meet someone like you again in my future And he will be the one Forever meant for me
I wrote this in December of 2002 about John. I had only known him a couple of weeks and had already become so infatuated with him and obsessed.
love is an adventure
Could I be the one who makes you stop having fun? Could I be the girl who becomes your whole world? Could I be the light in your darkest nights? Could I be the passion who becomes your inspiration? Could I be the hope Who helps you cope Could I be the love of your life and possibly even your wife?
Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John cuando el me rechazo. Estaba bien enfadada.
Óyeme cuando te digo Que ya no te amo Me hiciste mucho daño Por eso se acabo Este doloroso cuento de amor En que no supiste Apreciar todo lo bueno que te quise ofrecer Quizás tu pensarías Que yo era demasiado sencilla
I wrote this in October of 2002 about my first son’s bio dad. I had a lot of residual resentment for my son’s bio dad. Therapy would have helped with processing processing the trauma but at least I had poetry.
my truth, my trauma
The thought of you never escapes my mind not even for just one night Your little game has caused me a lifetime of hurt, resentment, and pain Now I’ll never be the same And I will forever ask myself Why is it me and our innocent child the ones to suffer for your thoughtless actions? Him, without someone to call dad and me,taken away from my youth Forced to grow up too fast
I wrote this in April 2002 after sleeping with Lucas for the first time. This situation was fucked up and crazy for many reasons but that’s another story time blog post. Let’s just say that I’m not great at making the best life choices at times.
Anais is not wrong
I finally fucked the forbidden married man It was good, it was great it was wonderful It was a heaven full of ecstasy It was dirty, it was shameful it was ugly It was a hell full of guilt
I wrote this in 2002 about my oldest son’s father. I really wanted him to step up to be a dad to our son despite our turbulent past.
truth
You make me think to look past that fateful night of fucking So I forced that memory to fade fast Even when a baby was made Cause you chose her over me I had to assume it was fate That there could neve be a “we” Just forget about that night And clean our slate white And walk with him the father-son mile
I wrote this in November of 2002. As I mentioned in my previous post, November was a chaotic month and I can’t remember who I wrote this about. Haha. Obviously I was angry at this dude. Maybe he ghosted me? Who knows?
Oh and I’m still learning -haha
I know you didn’t mean to But you’ve made me so blue With you nonchalant ways To you I was just a fucking waste So tonight I’ll leave Why does this always happen to me? Ending up with jerks like you Maybe one day I’ll get a damn clue And stop fucking around with you fucking clowns
I wrote this in November of 2002. November was such a chaotic month that year that I don’t remember who wrote this about. I think it was probably a one night stand that I had a connection with. It’s obvious that I read way too much into the situation than I should have.
Oh it does
My mind tries to forget Everything that happened last night But my heart puts up a fight My mind tells me it’s wrong and a mistake But my heart yells that it wasn’t just sex But it was also fate My mind considers it a lost cause but my heart finds a love feeling once lost
I wrote this in November of 2002 about my son’s oldest dad. I don’t know; maybe I read too much into it when he told me he had feelings for me. I guess that maybe I thought he would choose me. Idk. I guess I was delusional or something.
truth
Once upon a time I wanted to kill myself I almost felt myself cross that line Felt like I had no inner wealth But seeing you again Inspired me to pull myself together And this time I knew how to weather When once again you’d decide we couldn’t be together And I’d had to once again face your “accidental” departure
I wrote this in November of 2002 about my oldest son’s dad. I guess I was trying to view things from his perspective. Seeing him again felt surreal and almost like a dream.
for real
His memory draws blank Trying to think of that naïve girl And how they made that baby He would later on deny And five years later After meeting again That once precocious girl Turned into a woman He remembers her tender beauty And the sexual tension That drove them crazy to that baby making night And meeting his son for the first time He encounters a world full of regrets
I wrote this in 2002 and it wasn’t actually inspired by any past relationships/ breakups. I don’t know, maybe I understood deep down that I had a tendency to self sabotage relationships.
the post trauma is the worst
Remorseful sentiments of you still come to mind And I ask myself “How could I have been so blind, to screw up everything that meant everything to me? With my selfishness and lies, I destroyed our paradise And I still remember the look upon face As you drove away full of disgust and hate?
