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Poetry: Lost Concentration

I wrote this in 1998 when I was pregnant. I was kind of denial at the time but also knew what was happening. It was a weird and traumatic time in my life. I was barely 17 and coming to grips to how drastically my life would change. I will say that after 23 years, my son’s birth was definitely a trauma turned into triumph. I don’t think I knew what real love was until I had him.

me on my 17th birthday around the time I wrote this poem

I can’t concentrate
knowing my fate
I’d rather die
Than having to keep up this lie
I’m gaining weight
And my period’s 3 months late
I’m having cravings
Pretty soon everyone is going to be staring
I don’t know how to cope
I’m starting to lose all hope
I don’t wanna live anymore
I feel like I have nothing to live for
What am I to do?
Where or whom do I go to?
My life is ruined
All this, just by letting him in

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Poetry: The Cad

I wrote this in 1997 about my ex James. I was pissed and super salty as you can tell. This poem is me fantasizing Karma got back to him one day. This poem is full of that great anger I feel when men are jerks to me.

me in 1997 when this poem was written- laughing about my ex …lmao

You were such a cad
and that makes me so sad
You give women so much crap
Just to get them in the sack
You give them so much pressure
Just so they can give you pleasure
You never know how they feel
After you made your kill
You didn’t care
And thought it was fair
To use them to satisfy your primal thirst
Never thinking one of them would make a big fuss
Now you spend your life in bed
Having to be fed
How ironic it is
Just cause you had to add one more to your list

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Poetry: Passing Fad

This poem was about “M” and I wrote it in 2000. I had convinced my parents to take me to see him at his University which was about an hour and 15 minutes away and I went to his dorm room and we had sex and then he tells me, “I’m not serious about you, I just want to be your friend” I was pissed and upset. I don’t know how but I guess I kept in contact with him and it I remember how awful it was. Ugh. And this is why I can’t be friends with exes.

ugh…I’m always an “amazing person” and they “always want to be friends”-yeah no thanks

I still remember the hurtful words
You said to me
After making love
“I’m not serious about you.
I just want to be your friend”
That’s when my whole world came to an end
I drowned in an ocean of my own tears
you had awaken my biggest fear
That you wanted my body
And not all of me
It’s too bad
That to you
I was just a passing fad

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Poetry: Lies

I wrote this in November of 2001. This poem was another product of the “Great Breakup of 2001” . Of course, I’m glad that I took out all of my anger on paper and not him.

Salty as fuck

Lies was what you were about

How dare you

pretend to care about me?

Don’t you understand?

I was falling in love with you

Don’t you know?

I’ve become addicted to you.

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Poetry: I’m Sorry

I wrote this in November of 2001 after the “great Breakup” of that year. I lost count of how many poems I wrote about the breakup but it’s crazy to me since that relationship only lasted a month. Lol. I am however grateful for a creative spell I had afterwards.

My mood when I wrote this poem

I’m sorry for the boy that you are
And the man that you’ll never be

I’m sorry for falling in love with you
And learning that your “I love you’s” were not true

I’m sorry for every girl that ever fell under your trap
and not seeing past your Mr.Nice Guy act

I’m sorry for making love to an illusion
And not seeing past the delusion

I’m sorry you’ll never be able to feel my despair
And that you’ll never care

I’m sorry for all of the tears I had to cry
After learning you were nothing more than a lie

But most of all I’m sorry for the day you walked into my life
And for being nothing more than a waste of time

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poetry:could I dream you into existence?

I wrote this poem in October of 2022.

stay strong Queen-he’s out there

you wear many faces, sometimes you have dark hair
sometimes you have blond hair
but you always take me in your arms
and make me feel loved and accepted for who I am
you don’t care that I’m too crazy or too much
It’s a type of excitement, an almost adrenaline rush for you
and if I annoy you-you’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous
but apologize right after I burst into tears
and you’re not afraid of my tears or screams
because you know it comes with the territory
when it comes to loving me
and then I wake up-
in my self imposed solitary confinement
and I wonder if this dream could one day come into existence
like my other dreams
or it it will become another fulfilled fantasy
Because love stories aren’t meant for someone crazy like me

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Poetry: The Liar

I wrote this in 1997 about my oldest son’s bio dad after he ghosted me. I was quite salty about it. Lol. You can tell that I had that black and white thinking down pat at this point.

me in 1998 when I wrote this poem

I believed you when you told me
you love me
How wrong could I have been?
What a fool I have been?
To believe on all of the promises
and all of those wonderful words you told me
How could you have so cruel as to use our lovemaking
to use me for other interests
But most of all, how could you make me fall in love with you?
And now it hurts to know you never really loved me
You were just playing with my heart and mind
the whole time
I guess your heart must be made of ice and you must be numb
You were never that good in bed anyways

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Poem: Rebound Chick

I wrote this in November of 2001 after “the great breakup” of that year. To say I was pissed is an understatement. I don’t even know if angry is a strong enough word to accurately describe what I was feeling after that breakup. LOL.

You two were made for each other

like the sun was made to be hot

to you i was just another new toy

to play with 

but once the newness wore off

you decided to go back 

your comfortable teddy bear

unfortunately old habits

are hard to break

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Poetry: Lust at First Sight

I wrote this in December of 1997 about my oldest son’s father. I guess the night I write about in this poem was probably the night my son was conceived.

This is another poem related to that situation:

https://rejectingstagnationafter.wordpress.com/?p=1553

me in 1997 before meeting my first baby daddy

7 O’clock came and you were there
To pick me up from from work
My feet hurt
So you carried me to the car
You drove me to your home
And took me to your room
Your friends were there
we waited until they left
you put on some music
And we danced
And as our bodies swayed to the music
Your hands played with my body like an instrument
you had learned on master on the first try
They knew how to touch all of the right places
That sent wild shivers throughout my whole body
Clothes started to become undone
And were on the floor in a matter of minutes
we danced with our heated bodies as they longed to become whole

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Poem: Racist Jerk

So I wrote this poem in 2000 when ex my boyfriend Mike said something super racist about immigrants knowing I was an immigrant myself. Talk about cognitive dissonance. Lol. He also had a super nice red sports car….and yes he was making up for something. Haha. Looking back, the dating pool in the hick town I was living in was super limited. I honestly can’t say that this had to anything to do with me over reacting because of BPD…this dude was just an ignorant asshole.

My new boyfriend
What you said really hurt
I never thought you were a racist jerk
I don’t know if I can get past your words
Staying with you would only make it worst
With time I could become like you
And to tell you the truth
That scares me to death
So now I wish we never met
And that I didn’t have to tell you this
I hope I won’t be missed
I wish you a good life
I hope one day you become wise

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Poetry: I Still Love You

I wrote this in 1999 about ex. I’m not sure which ex this was about to be honest. Lol. I guess I was just feeling both nostalgic and super salty at the time.

me in 1999 around the time I wrote this poem…lol

I still love you
I don’t know why
I guess you were one of the few
I was proud to call my special guy
Or maybe you were the first one I was with
To give me that special gift
By loving me the way you did
You never made me feel like a little kid
But then she came
And to you I became
A thing of the past
That came and went by fast
But still I wish
You wouldn’t have met that bitch
Because I know
You wouldn’t have let me go

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Poetry: Losing My Mind

I wrote this in November of 2001. It was of course about what I thought was the most horrible breakup of my life. Lol.

I’m losing my mind

Learning your promises were just false lines

Your love meant so much to me 

I guess this means no anniversaries

I just couldn’t handle

When I got that infamous call

Especially when she had to say

That you had gone her way

And you had given away my hugs and kisses

You destroyed all of my innermost wishes

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Poetry: That Night

I wrote this poem about my oldest son’s dad about the night I met him. I was obviously infatuated right away as 16 year olds tend to be. He was 21 and I was 16 and that situation was really predatory but at that time, I didn’t think nothing of it.

That night
You took my sweaty hands into yours
And my heart started beating fast and furiously

That night
I looked into your sincere and beautiful brown eyes
And knew that you were for real

That night
You put your arms around me
And made everything seemed possible

That night
You kissed me gently
And worked your way up to my lips

That night
You professed your love to me
And made time stand still

That night
I found what I was looking for
In your arms, that night