you love me anxious,insecure, and a hot mess and love to add fuel to my insecurities and fears to keep me with you, to control me and I try and try to break out of this toxic codependency tied up in a box of good intentions with your excuse that you know what’s best for me when it’s holding me back from realizing my potential from becoming the most powerful version of myself it makes me wonder did you ever really love me or did you choose me on purpose to build up your ego?
me and my boys-one of the major reasons I’m determined to be the strongest and most empowered woman in their lives
Our children pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves I noticed when my son’s heart broke for the first time and it awakened a deep catharsis within me I would no longer hold onto my victim story the one where I tell myself, “I’m worthless, I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable” Instead I’ll walk with confidence and all of the self love I can muster up for myself maybe just maybe if I can model this type of healthy behavior the cycle of generational self loathing and self destruction will finally be broken And my children has a chance of living a life filled with more joy and contentment than mental illness
“I can’t recall the last time I was kissed”-Lizzy McAlpine
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
I’m a lone brunette wolf in a world full of blonde sheep my exes always preferred blondes over me I never knew exactly why perhaps blondes really do have more fun perhaps blondes are easier to manipulate this used to bother me greatly, even robbed me of my sanity and sleep but eventually I had a great epiphany the one meant for me will not just love how sweet I can be He’ll also love and encourage the savage in me he’ll know how to ride the turbulent waves of my mood swings I’m not sure if I’ll meet him soon or if he even exists but after this grand epiphany I no longer care about my exes and their blonde sheep In fact, I wish them all the best fairytale ending
Stuck in between Spanish and English is a bilingual nightmare constantly switching between languages gives me a lifelong jaqueca and at times I don’t get it right it’s switching between two identities Latina or American it gets hard and confusing at times but it’s who I am Hablo con mamá en Español I speak to my sons in English Hablo con los pacientes en Español I speak to my coworkers in English and to code switch parece una comedia I’m told that I’m fun and loud en Español pero soy profesional y reservada in English eventually I learn to meld my American and Latina personalities and I find my most authentic bilingual and bicultural identity
does a scorpion sting when fighting back? -Taylor Swift
I overthink, I overthink and I overthink and my head hurts from so much anxiety Society puts so much pressure on me to be nice, to be pretty to be kind, to be smart the stress is tearing me apart but slowly I start to breathe and the pressure starts to decrease I change the narrative And stop with listening to my inner critic Fuck societal expectations so what if I’m an aberration the only person who determines my identity is me not you, not him,not my parents and not society
this bitch has had more transformations than she cares to remember
My story is important to share, it’s important to write down but I don’t want to do it from a place of anger, revenge, or ego It’s strange to say this because for the past 5 years Anger has been my major inspiration and motivation to feed the narrative of how everyone has been a villain and I’ve been a victim It gave me a sense of martyrdom that allowed me to find peace for a while acting like everyone is a problem While I just flounder around being wronged And while I have so much compassion and love for this version of me It’s not who I want to continue to be It’s not how I want to be perceived because I’m more than being angry and vindictive I’m also kindness, goodness, empathy, and love And when I share my story-I need to remember these things
When I tell you I’m a poet- please take me seriously don’t think I’m some cute girl who writes a few verses in her room about how your kiss is a new kind of heaven Poetry for me has a much deeper meaning, poetry is how I bleed out all of my emotions I hold within
When I tell you I’m a poet- please don’t laugh at me or mock me don’t berate the simplicity of my words I weave into verse It’s how I make sense of my explosion of thoughts It’s how I express what I can’t say out loud
When I tell you I’m a poet- don’t try to cure me of my poetic nature and prey on my insecurities and try to kill my dreams of making my art seen I know how the odds are stacked against someone like me I don’t do it to make it to the mainstream- I do it so other women like me can be seen, can be inspired to dream
And finally when I tell you I’m a poet- Appreciate the artist in me, make yourself a sanctuary to put my poetry in- I’m not asking for endless compliments or an ego boost I’m asking for a safe space in you to love the poet I hold within
My middle name is Elizabeth. I’m not sure why my parents chose this middle name other than the fact that it was the most generic white sounding name easy to pronounce and a few cousins and one aunt had this middle name. I was never been attached to it until my 30s when I took the shortened version of it, “Eliza” and unintentionally chose this as my alter ego and later on as a pseudonym for my writing. After the great depression of 2016 and 2017, followed what I now called the “great manic episode of 2018” in which Eliza first appeared. During that time, I did many unhealthy and toxic things like go on an array of dating apps, drink heavily, and just indulge in these terrible and self destructive behaviors.
Eliza in 2018
I used Eliza as the profile name for those dating apps and also, when I started blogging again in 2019. After much therapy and introspection, I’ve determined that Eliza is my shadow side, my alter ego that’s been much needed to deal with my depression, my anger, my madness-basically the worst of my mental illness. She was much needed to be able to deal when my emotions got overwhelming and I didn’t know how to keep going. I’ll say that while she’s caused much mischief, as I’ve started to recover from mental illness, she’s been instrumental in healing. I’ve learned to used this side of me to do badass and awesome things like conquer my driving phobia, learn to swim, travel to my homeland, write rage poetry, and perform at open mic.
me using Eliza’s confidence to perform
As time passed and I recovered more and more, I learned that eventually, I’d get to integration of self and I’d had to let go of her. Well, sort of. It took a while to get to the integration of self and this took many steps (I’ll write more about this in another blog post). The last step to get to my integration where I would become my most authentic self was my divorce which was 6 months ago. I knew as soon that afternoon after my divorce was finalized, I’d have to let go of Eliza, as a pseudonym, an alter ego, a protective entity to protect me. That afternoon, I switched all of my social media profiles and my two blogs to my real name.
meet integrated Patty-integrated and empowered
It was a very scary thing to do but a much needed one to finish this process of integration I started a few years ago. It was hard because for so long I hung onto this part of me that had gotten through the roughest of times and also, using my real name everywhere was extremely uncomfortable but I had to do it. I’m not going to lie and say that Eliza is completely gone because she’s not but she’s integrated into who I am now and I no longer use her as an excuse when my anger gets the best of me and a rage poem comes out. The best way to put it is that I’ve fully accepted that she’s a part of Patty but no longer controls me, defines me or is even the worst of me. She just is. I’ve learned the past few years how to manage this part of me in a much healthier manner that’s been productive and helpful to me in achieving my goals. Here are three poems I’ve written about her:
shout out to these folks who were there for Eliza when no one else was….hahaha
Eliza and Patty
If you’re gonna love Patty-you’re going to have to live with Eliza She’s the dark and loud side of me I try to keep her at bay , I try to ignore her But then something angers me and she appears I used to loathe her and say-hey, that’s not me-but now I accept She’s always been a part of me She makes me brave and strong-she makes me crazy and creative I haven’t had writers block since I’ve stop trying to suppress her And while it’s embarrassing that I have an alter ego She was necessary for progress and growth
10/13/22
Shadow
my shadow waits and waits to be integrated she’s been patient long enough she wants me to feel the true power of being whole she’s stayed too long in the sidelines as I called her “bad” and a “complete stranger” and I was ashamed of her and at times she jolted me and came out during my bouts of impulsivity or my super angry poetry and now I finally understand she’s me Well the part within me I hate to acknowledge but I’m no longer afraid of her and understand her and am ready for her to be acknowledged and take her rightful place within She will no longer be treated like a dirty mistress Nah, she’ll rule like a queen and I’ll feel whole and empowered
11/26/22
I run with my shadow
my transformation and rebirth meant giving voice to my shadow who’s vindictive, petty, and mean I’ve never really allowed her to breathe much less be seen and now she’s almost everywhere- taking space in uncomfortable spaces learning she’s not bad- she just needed attention and to feel valued I’ve finally accepted she’s an important part of me who needs to be heard, seen and loved
am I reading too much into the attention and energy you’re giving me the casual messages, the comments on my posts the nervous vibe and the hug you gave me the first time we met It felt like chemistry Am I even your type? Or is this the beginning of beautiful friendship One that will last, one that will be healthy Without the complications and expectations that lust or love brings
Life on the BPD 