I wrote this poem 2002 and it was yet another poem inspired by the bio dad of my oldest child. For many years. I had so much unresolved rage and anger about how he abandoned my son and used poetry as a way to process it.
List of pros I made when Mr.Toxic ghosted me in late 2019
I wrote this in the summer of 2019 when Mr.Toxic had once again ghosted me. I think so much of me was obsessed with him because of the chaos he brought into my life. Also, even though I hate to admit it, he brought so much inspiration to my life that I ended up writing over 50 pages of poetry/ mini stories about him. He was my muse for a while and I think I became addicted to him.
There once was a girl and she fell in love with the ocean. The ocean engulfed her with its salt smell, and the warmth of the water on late nights. The girl swam and swam, deeper and deeper into the ocean-loving it more each day. One day the ocean got tired of the girl and decided to make the biggest wave to throw her back to the land. When the girl woke on land, she was disoriented, confused, lost and hurt. She wondered if her late night swims had been a beautiful and hopeless dream. So a few weeks went by and the girl returned to her normal reality of her every day . She went through her normal routine even though her heart hurt-she slowly recovered from the crash of the ocean and just as she was almost to her normal self. The ocean decided to call her back again. At first, she couldn’t believe it-she thought her ears were deceiving her-but it was clear that the ocean wanted her to swim in it again-for whatever reason. The girl felt special and lucky and even though she was hesitant -she swam again in the ocean. This time -it was deeper and more intense. She felt at one with the ocean. She felt honored to learn all of its secrets and was completely enthralled by it. She was finally beginning to feel safe and so vulnerable she started to float and let the ocean carry her. All of a sudden the ocean got tired and threw her again-this time the crash was way more devastating . It felt like she couldn’t breathe at times. She knew that she should deal better since this had happened once before but this time she cried more than ever. She felt worthless and used in every sense of the word. She wondered what sin she had committed that the universe had handed her such unimaginable and tremendous pain. It was hard this time to get back to normalcy. It was hard for her to go about her day and not burst into tears because her poor heart would spasm when something brought back the memory of the ocean. And then the process repeated itself a few more times. It was more exhausting and devastating each time. It’s like she couldn’t learn and see how damaging the ocean was to her soul. Finally there was a time where it was so brutal the girl finally learned to tune out the ocean’s song and she never swam again.
This playlist that I will share is titled: “For the Brokenhearted: Sad Edition (the one where you cry). I don’t handle breakups very well. Actually, I handle them poorly and go kind of nuts. Music helps me cope with the multitude of emotions I have. This playlist is the kind of playlist you play out loud in your car or at home with your headphones as you write mediocre and sad poetry. This playlist is based on the disastrous and heart wrenching breakups I’ve had throughout my life. These are songs I go to when I’m feeling numb or the waves of sadness come. I’ve put in bold the ones that I like to put on repeat.
I wrote this poem in 2001 after a really horrible breakup with the second “S” who cheated on me with ex wife the entire time he was with me. Needless to say, I was super angry about this and being the 20 year old I was at that time included lots of cringy cliches in this poem. The upside to this that at least I didn’t goslash his tires. Lol.
me at age 20
I hate to whine but you were a waste of time I didn’t think you were such a creep and that I could feel a heartache so deep It’s a profound and constant pain Your devious face is etched in my brain
I hate to whine but I was looking for a sign That you were my soulmate Not someone who’d fill me with hate That you were the man of my dreams Not another man who’d break my sanity’s seams
I wrote this poem in 2002 when I was about to break up with this guy “R” that was kind of aggressive and mean to me throughout our relationship. He was also kind of a jerk to my toddler son at the time. Instead of ending things, I ended up cheating on him and eventually ghosting him at a time when he needed me the most. Needless to say, he was pissed and wrote me lots of hate filled emails in CAPS LOCK and colored ink. It was pretty intense. I felt horrible after that.
Me in 2002 with “R” except he’s cropped out of the picture
Life on the BPD 