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Poetry: Thirty-Eight

I wrote this on February 22, 2020. I had started working at Kroger in October of the previous year, was still trying to stop my situationship with “C”, and had just started dating my most recent ex-the second Andrew. I was becoming hyper aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns and didn’t want to repeat them and had my guard up but life happens and well I fell in love.

February 22, 2020

On the last day of 38
I’m filled with so much hate
Hate for the life I never had
Hate for me and my soon to be ex spouse
and for our toxic codependency
The year has been filled with highs and lows-
I was prolific with my poetry about my toxic lover
My toxic lover that follows
a pattern of toxic lovers
since the age of 15
Toxic lovers that abused me, used me,
and discarded me like trash-
Toxic lovers that made me
question my worth
Toxic lovers that left me breathless
with chemistry that felt like a drug
Toxic lovers that I kept coming back to
out of the habit of not loving myself enough
Toxic lovers that never want to define an “us”
Toxic lovers-that starting 2 weeks ago
I will leave forever alone
And on year 38
with all of my hate and rage
for my mediocre life
I decided to fight
Fight with determination and purpose
for the life me and my kids deserve
Fight with my body
working endless hours
with fatigue and sore knees
for the future I always wanted
A future that looks independent and thriving
on my own
A future that will become
my own universe who no one can enter
I may cry, I may want to die
but I will not give up-
not when I’m so close
And even though I met a ray of hope
with my first lover’s name
towards the end of year 38
My walls will stay up and guarded
No piece of my vulnerability
Will be exposed to him
until I’m sure it’s not the same old toxic codependent story
On the last day of thirty eight
I work on inner healing
I work on inner peace
I work on goals
to finally emerge as a butterfly on year 39
On the last day of 38
I say forever goodbye to toxic patterns and lovers
I say forever goodbye to the old insecure me
to welcome the new and confident me-
I say forever goodbye to my once comfortable
and mediocre life to welcome a universe
full of great potential–

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Poetry: Discarded Crush

I wrote this in late 2002. It was about a coworker I was crushing on. I think this was the coworker that I left a love note for under his windshield wiper. Yeah, that was one of my cringiest/most Joe Goldberg like moment. Haha.

sometimes it be like that

I got the short end of the stick
When you were the one my heart picked
For I know how you feel
You and me could never be real
What you don’t know is that
Even though I’m not a doormat
I would do almost anything for you
Even if it meant dying for you
You probably don’t even notice
How much I long for just one kiss
It would send me into a universe of happiness
Too bad you don’t think I’m the best
You may not know me
But you’ve already judged me
It’s so hard to discard of the notion
That we’ll never share a love emotion
You’ll be my discarded crush
The one I will forever lust

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Poesia: Demaciado Sencilla

Escribí este poema en Diciembre del 2002 acerca de John cuando el me rechazo. Estaba bien enfadada.

Óyeme cuando te digo
Que ya no te amo
Me hiciste mucho daño
Por eso se acabo
Este doloroso cuento de amor
En que no supiste
Apreciar todo lo bueno que te quise ofrecer
Quizás tu pensarías
Que yo era demasiado sencilla

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Poetry: Your Little Game

I wrote this in October of 2002 about my first son’s bio dad. I had a lot of residual resentment for my son’s bio dad. Therapy would have helped with processing processing the trauma but at least I had poetry.

my truth, my trauma

The thought of you never escapes my mind
not even for just one night
Your little game has caused me a lifetime of hurt,
resentment, and pain
Now I’ll never be the same
And I will forever ask myself
Why is it me and our innocent child
the ones to suffer for your thoughtless actions?
Him, without someone to call dad
and me,taken away from my youth
Forced to grow up too fast

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Poetry: Fucking Waste

I wrote this in November of 2002. As I mentioned in my previous post, November was a chaotic month and I can’t remember who I wrote this about. Haha. Obviously I was angry at this dude. Maybe he ghosted me? Who knows?

Oh and I’m still learning -haha

I know you didn’t mean to
But you’ve made me so blue
With you nonchalant ways
To you I was just a fucking waste
So tonight I’ll leave
Why does this always happen to me?
Ending up with jerks like you
Maybe one day I’ll get a damn clue
And stop fucking around
with you fucking clowns

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Poetry: Wrong

I wrote this in November of 2002. November was such a chaotic month that year that I don’t remember who wrote this about. I think it was probably a one night stand that I had a connection with. It’s obvious that I read way too much into the situation than I should have.

Oh it does

My mind tries to forget
Everything that happened last night
But my heart puts up a fight
My mind tells me it’s wrong and a mistake
But my heart yells that it wasn’t just sex
But it was also fate
My mind considers it a lost cause
but my heart finds a love feeling once lost

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Poetry: Remorseful Sentiments

I wrote this in 2002 and it wasn’t actually inspired by any past relationships/ breakups. I don’t know, maybe I understood deep down that I had a tendency to self sabotage relationships.

the post trauma is the worst

Remorseful sentiments of you still come to mind
And I ask myself
“How could I have been so blind,
to screw up everything
that meant everything to me?
With my selfishness and lies,
I destroyed our paradise
And I still remember the look upon face
As you drove away full of disgust and hate?

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Poetry: Pretending

I wrote this in 2002 about Matt. I think that the experience with him really put any residual abandonment issues from my childhood to the forefront. Interactions with him throughout my son’s childhood were hard emotionally for me for this reason.

exactly

We meet once again
And you pretend to be my friend
Like nothing ever happened
Like I forgot you never took a stand?
To be a father to our son
How can you be so damn dumb?
How could it have taken you so long?
To finally admit you were wrong
But I’ll forgive you
But I won’t ever forget the hell
you put us through
Just remember
It can never go back
To the way we once were

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Poesia: La Mujer de Hoy

Escribí este poema en Octubre del 2002 acerca del padre de mi hijo mayor. Tenía bastante sentimientos encontrados pero mas que todo tenía rabia.

La Reina Maria Felix

Yo no soy aquella niña ingenua
Que tu conocistes
La que dejaba todo por ti
La que creía en el amor
Que tu le prometías
La que te amaba
Sin razón, sin condiciones
Sin enfrentar realidades
Esa soñadora quedo atras
Y esta mujer que ves
Es una mujer desilusionada, realista,
Y pessimista
No cree en nadie que le promete amor
Y se ha vuelto fría
Todo esto gracias
A tu desgraciada ausencia

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Poetry: Indifference

I wrote this in September of 2002 about Damon. I remember being annoyed with him and wanting to break up with him but Idk I kept procrastinating about it. It was one of those many times when I was afraid to be alone.

so true

I keep trying to figure out
what we are all about
We are suppose to be “in love”
but both of our hearts live
in a world of indifference
Let’s make this uncomplicated
And accept we’ll never be soul mates
and begin to follow our separate fates

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Poetry: Lucas’Song

I wrote this in December of 2002 when I was feeling nostalgic about Lucas. I was pretty obsessed with him. I have this saying, “just because someone stops loving you doesn’t mean you automatically stop loving them.” Having BPD and being me means that when I get obsessed with someone, that “love” I feel doesn’t go away easily. It sucks but it is what it is.

heartbreak is hard to get over

I heard your song tonight
And my mind surrendered
To the memory of your baby face
and that achingly unique voice
It made me realize
How much I still miss you
and love you
It make me think
How lucky I had been
to have had you in my life
if even for a short while

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Poetry: Escape

I wrote this in May of 2002 about Lucas. I was missing him and feeling nostalgic about him. It was hard because while we were still keeping in touch via email, we hardly saw each other.

It’s almost always like that

I tried to escape the thought of you
But it follows me wherever I go
Your scent, your voice, your kiss
Always remains fresh on my mind
No matter how long it’s been
Even if I try my hardest
To live without you
I somehow end up again
Trapped in the caged memory
that was your love

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Poetry: Mixed Feelings

I wrote this in 2002 about my coworker Lucas. This is a good example of the black and white thinking that happens with me when I’m in a relationship.

It’s always a war, I’m never the same after

You’re so close to me
And impossible to reach
You’re the one I want to be with
And the one I want to run away from
You’re my best dream
And worst nightmare
You’re my reason for my happiness
And the epitome of my frustrations
You give me a reason to live
And a reason to leave this life
You’re the first on my list
And I’m the last on yours

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Poesía: Cobardía

 Escribí este poema en 2002 acerca de Lucas. Estaba bien amarga y llena de amargura porque él nunca quiso dejar a su esposa. Mis pensamientos eran irracional e ilógico. Esto pasa cuando uno tiene trastorno límite de la personalidad.

pero el me olvido como los otros

El romance paro
gracias a tu cobardía
Nunca quisistes pelear
Por aquel amor que me decias
Que te hacía querer vivir la vida
Y yo me quedo aquí
Sola y desilusionada
Y tu
Con el viejo hábito
Que se llama “tu esposa”