vivo en un mundo de incertidumbre contigo que me deja agotada, que me das ganas de morir tratando de adivinar tu siguiente paso tratando de entender porque que te alejas de me tratando de ser suficiente para ti mientras tu apenas me das lo mas minimos de amor y respect me pregunto -¿valera la pena vivir tanta miseria?
I hide the craziest parts of myself The parts that get sad, The parts that get obsessed The parts that lose hope I hide the worst parts of myself the parts that feel empty The parts that feel numb The parts that want to die I hide the craziest and worst parts of myself so no one else will leave
I wish I could be perfect to everyone in my life, the perfect mom, the perfect coparent, the perfect mistress but the pressure gets too loud within me And I need to get away from how I want to be perceived I’ll never be the perfect anything I’m never be June Cleaver or the perfect dream girl I can only be authentically and imperfect me And maybe me and everyone in my life need to accept that’s the best I can be
My diagnosis doesn’t define me, It empowers me, it makes sense of my nonsense I’m not crazy or chaotic or even hard to love I’m a dream come true wrapped up in complexity sure at times I feel like a nightmare But don’t all of us get rough at times So whoever gets scared and runs away from me Sorry not sorry, I’m too much and you’re just not enough
I wrote this in March of 2022 for World Bipolar Day.
I wear the stigma of a bipolar diagnosis and hide this big secret This secret has been a part of me since my teens This secret explains my sometimes uncontrollable insanity This secret at times robs me of my sleep This secret has taken me on many fun and lustful adventures This secret makes me write, write, write so I don’t want to die, die, die I keep this secret and take medication for it But one day, I’ll scream out loud my mental health truth I’m bipolar 2 I’m not enough to ruin your life but just enough to fuck it up a little at a time
Thanks to learning about my BPD I’m finally free to be me There is a reason for my numbness and for why I’m such an emotional mess Genetics and trauma played a part for me constantly falling apart There is a reason for my impulsivity and for why I distort reality There is a reason for men running away from me when I go from being sweet to being crazy And now that I know I have BPD I can conquer the world of DBT I hope that after I’m more calm And stop going off like a bomb Hopefully I have more control over my emotions And there will no longer be hysterical explosions
I never needed anyone to teach me how to love what I needed was understanding and acceptance while my love is kind and sweet most of the time my love also cannot be tamed at times when it gets wild and out of control it’s better to just ride the big wave of it until it is tamed and soft again it wasn’t that I didn’t know how to love It’s just that most don’t know how to handle it my kind of overwhelming love is a crazy kind of love it will hurt you, challenge you and bring conflict it will make you want to slap the shit out of me because yes it’s that intense but my kind of of love is always worthy
McKenzie Harpe’s debut collection, When Pens Became Megaphones is aptly named because of how powerful the writing is in this book. The poems in this book are passionate and compelling in examining a variety of themes. A few of the themes covered in this book are mental health, relationships, family, racism, and social injustice. . The book is divided into four sections which are, “Speak With Yo’ Mind”, “Speak with Yo’ Soul”, “Speak with Yo Fist” and “Speak with Yo’ Heart”. Harpe does not mince words or is subtle to express herself in her poetry and that is something I greatly admire. I also want to mention that the format and presentation of the book is very professional and flawless in how it’s laid out making it very appealing for the reader. I will discuss 2 poems from each section that really spoke to me.
The first section “Speak With Yo’ Mind” talks frankly and honestly about anxiety and the feelings that come along with it and how the poet copes. The poet presents a true understanding of how some people feel with the burden of anxious thoughts and how trying to find peace with that can feel like an uphill battle. A poem that spoke to me about dealing with anxiety was Medicine. The poem Medicine talks about the healthy coping mechanism that music can be for someone with mental health issues. This is presented in the fourth stanza with the lines “music is my only redemption/the only prevention/for lost hope” (Harpe,15) As a person with mental health issues myself, music is one of my healthiest coping mechanisms. When the world gets too “noisy” for me, I tend to put my earbuds in and play something to either calm me down or hype me up depending on my mood. Another poem from this section that resonated with me was Evicted. Evicted presents a picture about kicking anxiety out. This is presented when the poet states, “see, I only came to organize/my thoughts on my hanger, /but now I’m cleaning out more than my closet. /I’m kicking you out, anxiety” (Harpe,17) There is a power in that verse which shows the poet taking her power back from anxiety taking up space in her mind. As a person who also suffers from anxiety, I completely get it.
The second section pays a tribute to where the poets come from and her family. Harpe does this by talking about the women in her family as well as her friends. One poem that I especially loved was My Day Ones where she captures the ease that comes from long term friendships or connections. This is stated in the poem, “a necessary vent/ after years/of personal growth/and that vibes still the same” (Harpe,31) This poem resonated with me because it reminded me of the connection I have with my childhood friends from Hawaii. Weeks or months can pass by without us talking and out of the blue one of us will say something in our group chat and we’ll catch up on life. Another poem I absolutely loved from this section was Auntie. It displays the resilience and strength of a woman who has breast cancer. Harpe shows this woman’s strength from the first line, “I know a woman/who’s not afraid of monsters” (Harpe,36). This poem resonates with me when I think about breast cancer survivors and victims of breast cancer . Another thing I like about this poem is that Harpe captures the essence of this woman going through something really harrowing in a way that respects her humanity.
The third section Harpe explores the great social injustices that have been happening and still happen in this country. Harpe does this by talking frankly and honestly about racism and white privilege. The poem Armed is one of my favorite poems in the whole book. It speaks about how words can be weapons of change. When Harpe says, “I load my pen with thoughts/the aim with precision/ spit fire on these pages/ and hope you see my vision/ this is more than just a poem (Harpe,59), she speaks the truth with how people tend to underestimate the power that artists can have when to comes to social change. This poem reminded me that one of the reasons I write is to give a voice to the marginalized immigrant community that I come from. Another poem that really resonated with me in this section was the poem The Five Senses. This poem addresses how white privilege continues to undermine and oppress minorities in this country. I was blown away by how the poet used all of five senses to do this. For example, for the sense of hearing in stanza 2, the poet states “what does it sound like? /hearing a native language/and calling it a threat. /yelling at minorities/to go back home/to places they never even met/like we didn’t forget/you never discovered/this country to begin with, (Harpe,66). That stanza gives me goosebumps from how powerful it is in addressing racists and calling out their hypocrisy. This part in this poem really resonated too since I have been subject to prejudice and discrimination due to my ethnicity and former immigration status.
The fourth section “Speak with Yo’ Heart” explores themes related to love and it’s not just centered on romantic love, but it also talks about self-love. I really resonate with the poem Dramatic. In the first stanza the poet states “when you date a poet/understand that your attitude/will become similes/your emotions/will become metaphors/your actions/will be the starting line/for each stanza ( Harpe,83) How true is this for many poets who will take their inspiration from their romantic relationships. Some of us even have a blog dedicated to this type of poetry (😉😏). Another poem that really stood out from this section was Saving Grace. In this poem, Harpe talks about her “toxic relationship with anxiety” and how it has impacted her. A powerful verse in this poem was “this time I felt sad/lonely/and nonexistent. /turns out, he had changed into this person/called depression (Harpe,93). Harpe shows how agonizing it feels like for a lot of us when our anxiety turns into depression. I also want to mention that the end of this poem was very hope and filled with faith. Once again, Harpe captures the painful truth that most of us with anxiety and depression must live with.
With her debut collection, Harpe presents an amazing talent for being open and honest about life, identity, social justice, and mental health. My only complaint about this book is that I wanted to read more. Yes, that’s how good this poetry collection was. I don’t usually read a book in one sitting but Harpe’s writing captivated me in such a way that I couldn’t put it down. I highly recommend this book for anyone who likes poetry that’s inspiring and empowering. I look forward from reading more from this poet. Below is a link to When Pens Become Megaphones
it was important for me to learn emotion regulation skills this year
My sense of urgency was lost When I finally felt like enough I no longer had a rush To jump to the next crush I no longer had a need to have a lover next to me I no longer wanted to be love addicted I finally learned To me I needed to return I finally had a new outlook And I started a new storybook I finally understood It’s okay to live my truth And now my sense of urgency rarely appears After so many tears and months of therapy
I fell into the trap of “acceptance” not understanding I was slowly losing parts of myself for the sake of fitting in, for the sake of other people who loved to judge me accept that you’re too fat to wear that bikini accept that you’re too old to chase your dreams accept that you’re too hard to love it took me too long to figure out the acceptance of others was costing me my sanity and my self worth and I said, “fuck your opinions on who I should be” from now on, I’ll wear whatever I want, I’ll chase my dreams, and I’ll always be worthy of love”
slaying every day with my hard work ethic and my paper and pen
What is the last thing you learned?
Learning to uncensor myself was a hard process I always walked on eggshells for the comfort of others Said yes when I wanted to say no Toned myself down for fear of being too much Accommodated constantly to keep the peace Cut off pieces of myself to make myself digestible But I got too old and tired of hiding who I really am of continuing to pretend to be something I’m not or never will be so I chose to stop hiding the real me who’s loud and dramatic who’s crazy and creative who’s moody and depressed who ‘s a beautiful and majestic Incan Queen
picture of how it feels of when I’m asked “what’s your bra size?”
What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.
I hate it when men ask me, “what’s your bra size?” it’s like my bust-line invites unwanted and sexist questions and comments about my body and it makes me want to throw up and write about them violently because out of all of the questions in the world to ask ME, a mother, a public health worker, a grocery store clerk, an immigrant, a Peruvian, an American, a friend, a poet, a blogger, a woman, a PERSON- they choose to ask me an awkward question about my body- I used to entertain them and tell them while laughing uncomfortably holding in my disgust and anger for them but now I either ignore them, call them out, or block them my boobs or any part of my body are no longer up for the objectification of others
I wrote this poem in December of 2021. I was kind of angry. Lol.
performing this poem at open mic in October of 2022
Let’s hashtag the fuck out of our imperfect perfect lives smile for the camera but make it look candid this is for instagram after all- we want to present an image of authenticity Authentic needs to look put together and balanced there can be no cracks in our suburban realities no one wants to see tears and frowns let’s continue to act like modern clowns except our lipsticks presents a false smile that hides our misery inside and let’s add a witty caption that spells out live,laugh, love and hashtags about #momlife,#gratitude, and #bestlifeever depression, sadness, and anger has no room in our modern world where we pretend to be perfectly imperfect moms and wives with these amazing and perfect lives let’s continue the facade of authenticity even as we burn inside and want to die we are not just okay but we are fucking fabulous so honey continue to smile for that selfie even as the expectations of modern womanhood continues to burn us all up
in order to grow, we must lose parts of ourselves that hold us back from reaching our potential
saying goodbye to the version of me I used to be was uncomfortable and agonizing even as I lost her in parts first came the extra pounds and inches I ran off from the curvy girl who used food as comfort and for a while a stranger stared at me from the mirror as I wondered where my cleavage went or how my waistline got so small then came the spectator and the passenger I lost as I gained confidence and power in sharing my truth, in sharing my art and I became the main character and the driver of my own life finally I lost the princess who held onto others for safety, who relied on others for acceptance and love-she left on a windy October day when she conquered a phobia that haunted her for 15 years saying goodbye to the version of me I used to be was uncomfortable and agonizing but she couldn’t stay around if I wanted to grow, to evolve, to become the mother my children always deserved, to become the woman I always wanted to be