I was never the marrying kind Don’t know why I forced myself into that line Maybe because of society’s expectations I made marriage my destination But it wasn’t really who I ever was Forever is not meant to be in my book of love But still I tried for seven years And by year 7, I ran into my biggest fear I felt trapped in a cage of my own making Happiness, contentment, and authenticity I was faking But it was never truly me Living this suburban reality And one day I wanted to sleep forever My mind collapsed from society’s pressure to continue this facade of being the perfect wife With my perfectly imperfect life My authenticity I had to put aside I’m a wife and mother of three There’s no such thing as being free But these were the lies I told myself The critic in me I learned to quell I learned I could be a mother but not a wife My husband took our relationship’s demise in stride There would no more anniversaries We were done with self imposed forgeries And a new chapter started with us One full of laughter, friendship and familial love
This was my response to prompt #23: What’s you’d really like to do tomorrow
Kailua Beach, Hawaii-my former paradise
Tomorrow I’d like to swim for the first time in my former paradise and after lay out in the sun in my bikini I’ve loved feel the sand everywhere instead of tolerating another dreary and rainy day in Georgia My mood would improve and I would write more happy poems Instead of writing about how I hate my existence and everyone and everything in it
This is my response to prompt #11: A goal you reached
I know my worth..now fuck off 🤣🤣🤣
Getting rid off my self imposed chains of insecurity and doubt I no longer give any fucks-I no longer hold back I announce my arrival when I drive, when I make love, and when I blog I’m liberated from the chaos I used to cause and have accepted sometimes an attention whore or an introvert and it’s okay to swing between both as long as I honor my truth and know my worth
This is my response to prompt #15: the best kind of surprise
sometimes you have to say “fuck it”
Love surprises me with a glance, with a slight touch on my hand And 99.9 percent of me wants to run I don’t want to take a chance once again with my sanity but the romantic in me say “fuck it” maybe this will finally be a different story one where my lover doesn’t leave
Why did you break our romantic ties? What did she have to make you leave me suddenly? Why do I keep repeating the same stupid story, of finding myself the woman used and scorned? I’m fucking exhausted with rage always making the same mistake over and over again giving all of my myself to another confused man who leaves me when I’m no longer easy
This is my response to prompt #14: What did you think you’d be when you grew up
me in November of this year right before the Taylor Swift dance party in town
When I imagined my happily ever after- it never looked like my current reality a mother of 3 with 2 jobs, on the brink of divorce, with 5 mental health diagnosis and yet, I stand here with contentment in my heart and appreciation for the life I’m living I may not have grown up to live the life I envisioned but I’m still proud of who I’ve become
In honor of Taylor Swift’s Birthday, I decided to share my favorite Taylor Swift songs! I didn’t become a Swiftie until last winter when Red (Taylor’s Version) came out. Maybe it was because it was such an emotional time for me but I cried when I watched the “All Too Well” video the first time and the second time when I made my three kids watch the video with me. My youngest son unwittingly knows the lyrics to “Anti-Hero” and “Karma” because some days, I blast Swift from Alexa and my record player. I don’t think you get the full Swiftie experience unless you listen to her on vinyl. Also, in November, I spontaneously found myself at a Taylor Swift Dance Party and it was beyond amazing. I’ve included a short clip of it at the bottom. Anyways, this playlist includes what I consider the best of her work and music that’s gotten me through some of my toughest times or has uplifted me in some way. I hope y’all enjoy it:
the day that Red(Taylor’s Version) came out
Anti-Hero Blank Space Begin Again All Too Well (The 10 Minute Version) Karma Enchanted My Tears Ricochet Death By a Thousand Cuts Dress Vigilante Shit Right Where You Left Me Delicate Better Than Revenge The Lakes Afterglow The 1 Long Story Short Mastermind Closure Maroon The Way I Loved You This Love Call It What You Want Champagne Problems I Bet You Think About Me Hoax Midnight Rain Back to December Clean Mad Woman This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things Style Bejeweled
Below is a link to my Taylor Swift spotify playlist for your listening pleasure:
Below is a short video I made of the Taylor Swift Party I went to in November, it was so much fun! I love how I’m just exuding happiness and joy in this video, it’s a complete turnaround from who I was last year:
I never said I was a singer but I was tipsy and having the time of my life…lol
This is my response to prompt #16: Your favorite household chore
it’s always your responsibility
Springtime is here, it’s my favorite time of the year I blast out music from Alexa and start de-cluttering Anais Nin books I’ll never read go into the donation box her life no longer inspires me Dresses and outfits I wore to my trauma are packed in a suitcase destined for Lima Dozens of therapy sheets are recycled I finally found calm and serenity Springtime is here and it’s to get rid of everything that no longer fits this new version of me
Patience eludes me I want to run and jump to the next chapter of my life the chapter where I’m the victor and not the victim the chapter where I’m a winner and not a failure but I need to appreciate the journey and accept that the bumps along the way Help me savor the next chapter full of victories and maybe even love Patience is a necessary virtue for the growth and progress necessary for the next chapter
The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:
I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.
I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:
I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.
I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.
The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:
Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.
Excited about what the 11th year of Blogging will bring
Recibir esa llamada infame mato mi calma e ego descubriendo que había sido engañada por el que me profesaba amor Me hizo perder mi cordura ¿cómo pudiste hacerme esto? Fuistes otro desastre lleno de duplicidad te odio con todo mi corazón por destrozar todo lo que éramos
This is my response to prompt #8:An event that turned out differently than planned
Don’t Let the Light Go Out by Panic!At the Disco—this song always makes me think of my starter husband 💔😪
We were an odd couple to start out with- a generation apart-only 9 years younger than my dad but we still fell in love and made it work for several years eventually exchanged vows and rings,raised 3 beautiful kids but we always knew we weren’t meant to be each other’s forever at this realization-I went crazy and tried to find a new love story but no one could stand me for long or treated me like a secret and when all of them left, I took comfort in our friendship understanding I needed to give respect until our legal ending Without regrets and resentment in our unconventional love story I’ll always love you, you will always my family
At 40, I feel like the ultimate Queen after losing layers and layers of my princess skin The broken princess I had to beat to finally feel enough and complete Friends and men full of duplicity Have no place in my world of authenticity I no longer wear my crown of guilt and shame It caused me too much emotional pain Instead I wear a crown of confidence and power being true to myself is my superpower Fuck anyone who thinks I’m too much or not enough You assholes were never deserving of my love I am the ultimate Queen and I’m finally making myself seen
I wrote this in December 2018 when my husband forgot our 8 year anniversary. Iguess I was a little salty and kind of still processing the breakup of our marriage.
December 9, 2010
He forgot our 8 year anniversary I didn’t remind him because it didn’t really matter. Hopefully, this time next year, we will be divorced. There was no use in feeling sad or spilling tears Over something that would end soon. There was no use in feeling devastated over Something that never should have happened. Vows that should never have been taken. Promises of love that were doomed from the beginning. Empty words that were never believed in. 8 years of marriage; an institution we thought would bind us for eternal life. So that maybe the sting of resentment and neglect wouldn’t break us apart. He forgot our 8 year anniversary Just like he forgot all of his promises to “Try harder” or “to change” So I wouldn’t leave. He forgot our 8 year anniversary. And it’s fine. You don’t celebrate something That is already dead.
Life on the BPD 