we were another lesson in love lost and mourned I tried everything to make it work even where it was past our expiration date I never wanted our children to be products of a broken home but even my best efforts could not fight how different we were or our long term story of incompatibility it wasn’t your fault or mine we were just both too stubborn to see what was in front of us a friendship that should’ve stayed platonic but you fell in deep for me and I was tired wanted to settle and we made it work until one day I realized it wasn’t enough
I still wonder who Peruvian Me would have been-probably not wearing this beanie…lol
if my parents hadn’t chosen america as their new homeland I wonder who I would’ve been a woman of priviledge married to a man who loves me for me or would it have been inevitable for me to turn out as a rebel who’d cause many scandals would I have take my education more seriously because of the pressure from society and my parents or would I have still struggled with my ADD and said fuck it I wonder who Peruvian me would have been if I didn’t have a bilingual and bicultural identity
My higher education experience was different from a lot of people because I went as an non traditional student in my 20s with children. The first college I went to was Gainesville Community College where I received my A.A in English with a high GPA. After that I got my B.A at the University of Georgia. I did horrible in high school barely graduation so when I told people I was going to college, I was laughed at and ridiculed. Still, I was determined and surprised myself. At Gainesville Community college I had to take remedial classes in order to take regular classes. Surprisingly, I loved college and thrived in that environment. My favorite class was creative writing.
graduating with my A.A in English and two kids….2/10 wouldn’t recommend…lol
After Gainesville Community College, I transfer to the University of Georgia to get my B.A in English. That first semester was overwhelming and I felt incredibly out of place being one of the 1.6 percent of the Latino Student population at the time. Also, I was a mom and older so a lot of the time I was anxious and thought “wtf am I doing here, I don’t belong here”. I’d say that it was kind of a traumatic experience to be honest but I was determined to finish my degree and I did just that. There’s a lot more to that story but it’s for another blog posts. I’ve also written poetry reflecting on that experience and here’s one of them: https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/10/09/poetry-small/ There’s another poem I wrote a few years ago when I was in this rage mode about it called, “F*ck You, UGA”. I’m not sure if that poem will ever make it on this blog or anywhere but it is funny. My favorite classes at UGA where my Spanish classes where I thrived and I loved my professors. I wanted to get a minor in Spanish but my Pell grant ran out so I couldn’t .
me with my two boys at my English Department Graduation in 2009
One thing I will say is that I’m glad I did get my degree despite the many obstacles that stood in my way. From my oldest son being diagnosed with Autism my first year to getting pregnant with my middle son my second year to breaking out in an all body rash during last semester of college where they couldn’t determine the cause of it until almost the end of the semester. I was super determined in getting my degree no matter what craziness in my life was happening at the time and I did it. I hope I set an example to my kids that they too can do it.
heroines go bravely up on stage and vomit out their feelings–pic is courtesy of my friend Amber Murphey
As I let go of my limiting beliefs, I grieve the woman I used to be so insecure and unsure of herself so hesitant to take control and power Overthinking and catastrophizing constantly it held me back from living the life of my dreams- Jealousy and envy filled me up Scrolling the professional and personal successes of others on social media Thinking, “that could have been me” and giving too much important to the opinions of others wondering constantly- “are they judging me?” It was an toxic story I told myself since the age of 16 and it continued on and on until one day in my middle age I exploded and decided to fight my inner critic and challenge everything I thought was wrong with me slowly I learned to turn my story around Slowly I went from victim to heroine
When I tell you I’m a poet- please take me seriously don’t think I’m some cute girl who writes a few verses in her room about how your kiss is a new kind of heaven Poetry for me has a much deeper meaning, poetry is how I bleed out all of my emotions I hold within
When I tell you I’m a poet- please don’t laugh at me or mock me don’t berate the simplicity of my words I weave into verse It’s how I make sense of my explosion of thoughts It’s how I express what I can’t say out loud
When I tell you I’m a poet- don’t try to cure me of my poetic nature and prey on my insecurities and try to kill my dreams of making my art seen I know how the odds are stacked against someone like me I don’t do it to make it to the mainstream- I do it so other women like me can be seen, can be inspired to dream
And finally when I tell you I’m a poet- Appreciate the artist in me, make yourself a sanctuary to put my poetry in- I’m not asking for endless compliments or an ego boost I’m asking for a safe space in you to love the poet I hold within
me and the evil Christmas Tree invading my writing space
As I sit here squished in my writing space because the damn Christmas tree is taking up the other side of the room, I still feel incredibly blessed and fortunate that I’m writing this post about how the 11th year of blogging was. To still be here telling my story though this platform with the most incredible followers is a true blessing. To the many people who have been supportive of me as I vomit out some of the cringiest and craziest shit, y’all are the real MVPs. I feel so encouraged and loved by every like or comment. I would say that it was a low key year because I didn’t experiment as much as I wanted to. What I did do is tell my story from January of 2022 through December of 2022 with my poetry along with my translated poems from my early writing days. I’ve translated a total of 215 pages of poetry from 1997 to 2004. It’s been a challenge for sure but it was important for me to take on this project because it allows me to reconnect with my first language in a creative way. Also, my main purpose for taking on this project is because I’d love for my parents and other Spanish speaking relatives in Peru to be able to read my poetry. I’d even started putting some of these poems on tik tok which has been somewhat of an interesting experiment considering I don’t know what I’m doing and still figuring out the best way to create content there. I guess one could say that I’m passionate about telling my story. Here’s my tiktok handle if y’all want to check it out: https://www.tiktok.com/@lagringachola81
Another new thing I did this year is start using my real name on this blog and across all of my social media. After my divorce, aka, my liberation day, I was finally able to let go of my pseudonym Eliza Dalton and use my real name Patty Tacuri. So, hi everyone, my name is Patty and I have issues. I love to use that opening line at open mic. Lol.
hi, it’s me Patty, your little piece of heaven or hell—lol
I’ve also been going to open mic at my local pub and it’s helped me connect with other poets which has helped me grow as a writer and poet. Being up there on that stage sharing the most vulnerable parts of myself has felt incredibly empowering and healing. I’m grateful to the Athens Word of Mouth community who’s been so open and receptive to whatever trauma laden or angry poem I decide to read that night.
me at open mic on December 6,2023 -photo from Athens Word of Mouth
As to what kind of blog content I have planned for 2024, I plan to leave the format as it is in telling my story of 2023 and including the translated pieces in between those poems. I hope that I can do more collaborations and review some more poetry books. I don’t have much more planned than that but who knows, sometimes my crazy mind comes up with the most off the wall ideas and an unexpected playlist or an essay about some kind of trauma happens. I know that in 2024, I want to be more open and vulnerable in telling my story and how my recovery journey has been going. We’ll see what happens. I can tell you that this blog is my happy place and something that keeps me going when my depression wants to get the better of me. Planning blog content this year has kept me grounded more times than I can count this year especially with some of the big emotions that have come up with the major life events I’ve had. It’s become part of my recovery process from mental illness and a safe space for me to be honest and vulnerable. Also, since I’m such a main character now, haha, I decided to give y’all a preview about what’s to come next year in telling my story. I’m calling it the twelve days of Patty starting on December 20th. Again, I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my crazy and sometimes cringe poetry. To my fellow bloggers, poets,and storytellers-my message for you is to keep going! Your art and stories are important!
this is how healing looks like-me and my notebook against the world
healing is chaos and calm intertwined with diving timing because after almost falling of the cliff of insanity and wanting to end it all a light flickered inside of me to push through- that light was sometimes my anger, therapy, poetry or my friends encouraging me to to move forward to continue on my path of self discovery and a year later- I no longer care about why someone’s love wavered or why someone treated me like shit all i care about is vibrating to the version of my highest and healthiest self I care about intentionally setting fire to the path of personal and professional success
I used to be an expert at throwing my own pity parties I drew a chalk line of the outline of my body and called myself the victim of my life It was before self-awareness kicked in, it was before radical honesty it was comforting to drown in my misery but now, if I feel myself treading in a sea of self-pity I look back on all of the progress I’ve made and all of the healing I’ve done and am reassured I’m not a victim anymore I never really was I was always a diamond buried under a mountain of mental illness-and now I shine with the queen energy that took me a long time to uncover
The scared and anxious little girl and the insecure and clingy woman tug at me- I try to avoid them and lock them up in a box, but it never happens that way They refuse to go away when a trigger of trauma visits me And once again, I am lost in the alter ego I made up to protect myself the one who shows up in confidence and screams through her poetry but if I want to reach integration I need to allow the little girl and the insecure woman space to reside within me and honor them with powerful words of praise because they, too, were part of my strength and resilience through the many traumas It may feel painful at times-but for me to get to become a whole person and reach emotional maturity – I need to walk hand in hand with the ones who made me the powerful and confident woman I currently am
“This is your time” the moon goddess whispers to me in a dream she puts her hand on my shoulder and a jolt of magic spread throughout my body I stumble and almost fall- but catch myself in time to stand up-and feel my power rise within I am invincible, I am empowered, I am ready to fulfill my potential and claim my success
Maybe it’s lack of sex or lack of sleep but I must declare- Christopher Columbus is a piece of shit Maybe it’s my own insecurities or maybe it’s a projection but I must say you can get away with murder if you’re a white male Maybe it’s the BPD and the depression But I must scream FUCK WHITE SUPREMACY
Eliza, eliza, eliza what have you done? Entering a beauty content you have no business entering While you’re beautiful ,confident and powerful- Beauty contests aren’t for you when european beauty standards rule society it’s not that you’re less than them It’s just that your type of beauty is only meant to be fetishized to be fantasized about your beauty is a temporary place for men your beauty can’t keep a man, only excite men So while I’ll share the link and every now and then remind people to vote for you Remember your worth is not wrapped up in your beauty Because you’re more than your good looks You’re everything Kind, loyal, intelligent, witty, sexy, everything a man can dream of A woman a man can really love and be loyal to You just haven’t met him yet Trust is the process-trust in God’s divine timing
