Happy 11 Years of Blogging

The 10th year of blogging brought a lot of progress and growth in my life. As I write this, I’m excited to say that I’m in a really good place in my life. I’m proud that I’ve been consistent in posting content on almost a daily basis and have continued to challenge myself as a writer and content creator. When I have asked people what they think about the blog, they tell me “it’s honest” and “you really don’t hold back”. Some people don’t believe that everything I share is the truth because it’s so crazy. Well, sometimes my life does feel stranger than fiction. But, at least I’m never bored, right? One thing I started to do this year is translate all of my poetry whether the original poem was in Spanish or English. One of my favorite poems I translated is this one:

Happy Halloween! What’s scarier than a regular bitch?

I’ve also revised a lot of my old poems. This year, I’ve also grown a lot as a writer. In a few months, I can finally say I’m a published author. I will share the links to those books as they come out.

I can also say that I’m a much different person than the person who wrote this blog post this time last year:

A Decade of Blogging

I’ve let go a lot of the anger, shame, and guilt I felt from my trauma. It was a combination of therapy, a new level of introspection, and having a new appreciation for my life. I think last year when I restarted this blog, I was alternating between a state of anger, grief, and mania. I wanted to be as honest as I could be and I gave no fucks about the opinions of others. Also, as I was revisiting some of my older poems, it brought up trauma and well the anger came out in full force . I was also trying to find who I was beneath all of these years of unprocessed trauma. Add all this to the fact that I changed to hormonal birth control that made me even more angry and it was like a hurricane of emotions I tried to surf but sometimes couldn’t control.

I’m still going to continue telling my story but I’m skipping to December of 2021. There was a lot of poetry and stories I wrote from 2018 to November of 2021 and some of it I have shared on this blog already. The time frame I’m skipping is also the period of time when my BPD was at its worst and to put it mildly, I was an emotional train wreck. Sharing that version of me doesn’t feel right to me at this time. Also, I think that from December of 2021 to now is when my real recovery from BPD started and I wrote poetry on an almost daily basis.It’s going to be a challenge deciding which poems are going to end up on this blog. As I go through this recovery journey from my BPD, I’m understanding that I can still process and honor my trauma without having to share it on this blog or social media.

The direction of the blog is also going to move towards collaborations with other content creators, writers, and guest bloggers. So if you have a story, opinion piece, an essay, or poem you want to share with the world, feel free to contact me. I’m open to most topics. Also, you can use a pseudonym or be completely anonymous. I invite you to share your passion or anger or whatever message you want to send out there to the world through my blog! The cringier and more emotional, the better. Lol. Below is link to my contact info:

Contact Info

Lastly, thank you to all of my followers and everyone who reads, takes the time to read, and like my brand of crazy. I’m humbled every time I get a comment or a like on one of my posts. The fact that this blog has grown exponentially from 17 followers in July of 2021. This means I’m doing something right. Thank you for allowing me to have this platform to be my most vulnerable, craziest, saltiest, and authentic self.

December Poetry Challenge: A Slow Death

This is my response to prompt #10: One thing you could not give up

Don’t ask me to give up writing….EVER

You might as well do radical lobotomy
before you make me give up writing
You’d be asking me to give up
one of the things I most love–
my creativity with poetry and prose
brings me purpose and meaning on my good days
and helps me stay alive on my bad days
so if you ever ask me to give up my paper and pen
Understand you’d be asking for my slow death

December Poetry Challenge: For My Starter Husband

This is my response to prompt #8:An event that turned out differently than planned

Don’t Let the Light Go Out by Panic!At the Disco—this song always makes me think of my starter husband 💔😪

We were an odd couple to start out with-
a generation apart-only 9 years younger than my dad
but we still fell in love and made it work for several years
eventually exchanged vows and rings,raised 3 beautiful kids
but we always knew we weren’t meant to be each other’s forever
at this realization-I went crazy and tried to find a new love story
but no one could stand me for long or treated me like a secret
and when all of them left, I took comfort in our friendship
understanding I needed to give respect until our legal ending
Without regrets and resentment in our unconventional love story
I’ll always love you, you will always my family

Poetry: The Ultimate Queen

I wrote this in December of 2021.

And those flames burn 🔥 😍

At 40, I feel like the ultimate Queen
after losing layers and layers of my princess skin
The broken princess I had to beat
to finally feel enough and complete
Friends and men full of duplicity
Have no place in my world of authenticity
I no longer wear my crown of guilt and shame
It caused me too much emotional pain
Instead I wear a crown of confidence and power
being true to myself is my superpower
Fuck anyone who thinks I’m too much or not enough
You assholes were never deserving of my love
I am the ultimate Queen
and I’m finally making myself seen

Poetry: Forgotten Anniversary

I wrote this in December 2018 when my husband forgot our 8 year anniversary. I guess I was a little salty and kind of still processing the breakup of our marriage.

December 9, 2010

He forgot our 8 year anniversary
I didn’t remind him because it didn’t really matter.
Hopefully, this time next year, we will be divorced.
There was no use in feeling sad or spilling tears
Over something that would end soon.
There was no use in feeling devastated over
Something that never should have happened.
Vows that should never have been taken.
Promises of love that were doomed from the beginning.
Empty words that were never believed in.
8 years of marriage; an institution we thought
would bind us for eternal life.
So that maybe the sting of resentment and neglect
wouldn’t break us apart.
He forgot our 8 year anniversary

Just like he forgot all of his promises to
“Try harder” or “to change”
So I wouldn’t leave.
He forgot our 8 year anniversary.
And it’s fine.
You don’t celebrate something
That is already dead.

December Poetry Challenge: Karma

This was my response to prompt #19: One thing you’d like to see

Quote from the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”

I try to write about something positive I want to see
but today, I don’t have it in me
instead, I want to blast out my rage in verse
I try to change this narrative, but after many attempts, I fail
so today I’m going to accept how sometimes I’m a petty bitch
I can’t always be the bigger person
there’s some people I’ll never forgive
And when I think of them, petty thoughts come up
I hope Karma gets them and they suffer like I did

Poesia: Lo Siento

Here is the English version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/10/25/poetry-im-sorry/

Lo siento por el niño que eres
y el hombre que nunca serás

Lo siento por haber enamorarme de ti
y no recibir el amor que merecía

Lo siento por creer en tu actuación de hombre bueno
Y aprender que el amor era una ilusión

Lo siento que tu nunca sentiste mi desamparo
Y que para ti no mas fui otra inutil

Lo siento por todas las lágrimas derramadas
y todo el amor que te di

Pero más que todo lo siento por el dia que te aparecistes en mi vida
para ser otro recuerdo lleno de amargura

December Poetry Challenge: The Whisper

This is my response to prompt #6: An important person in your life

A Beautiful Autumn Afternoon in Georgia

I find God everywhere lately
in the autumn wind that blows leaves whimsically
in lyrics that evokes intense emotions in me
in the excitement I feel every morning
in my newfound peace and serenity
God is a whisper always reminding me
life is worth living if I keep trying, if I keep going

Poetry: Forgotten Magic

I wrote this in December of 2021.

me on my run in December of 2021

There is a certain magic in nature I forget about
Feeling the wind in your face running
while listening to my favorite song
It reminds me what a gift it is to be alive

Observing the miniature toad in the creek that hasn’t
been washed away by the many harsh elements around it;
It gives me hope I too can survive the really hard times,

Smelling the rain before a storm,there will be a rainbow after it
that is how life is, there are better times after the worst of times

December Poetry Challenge: One Hour

This is my response to prompt #13: How You Procrastinate

they’re not wrong

One hour on social media and I feel guilty
for time wasted on such silly things
It was an hour that killed my productivity
an hour when I allowed my brain to wonder
to something other than my children or work
I could have been making content
or helping my son with his homework
and I chastise myself for wasting time
then self compassion steps in
and reminds me I’m human and it’s okay
to allow myself to escape my reality
in the superfluous things in life

Poesia: Chingona Bilingue

Here is a link to the English Version of this poem:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/10/31/happy-halloween-whats-scarier-than-a-regular-bitch/

Cometiste un gran error
que me rompió en mil pedazos
antes estaba llena de ternura
ahora busco venganza
mis palabras se convertirán
en espadas aguda de furia
Gritando como tus mentiras
jodieron mi mente y mi vida
Me dices que debería olvidarlo todo
Cariño, debes acostumbrarte
tu y esa rompieron mi cordura
ahora deben enfrentar las consecuencias
Estuviste mal en traicionar a una chingona bilingüe
Te matare en español y en inglés

December Poetry Challenge: The Truth about My BPD Recovery Journey

This is my response to prompt #5: Something you know something a lot

Where is my honorary degree in my BPD recovery ?
I’ve read more books than I’ve cared to-
I’ve acknowledged more toxic patterns than I wanted to-
And I’m almost an expert at DBT
But I still have days when I think it’s all bullshit
I still have times I miss the chaos in my life
so I know I still have a long way to go in this journey
and it’s needed to fulfill my potential
I need to let go of anything that caused me harm
and say goodbye to who I once was
Thanks to this recovery journey
I’m self aware, I’m full of self compassion,
I’m going to become the best version of myself

Poetry: A Letter to My Previous Muses

I wrote this in December of 2021.

Maybe I was too harsh with my words
Frustrated with rejection and abandonment
I was filled with anger and resentment
that needed to bleed on paper
Maybe I’ve been too much of a critic
Cutting you down with petty words and insults
Perhaps I was projecting my own insecurities
Maybe I should have taken some of the blame
of your unexpected departures
I know I’m not an easy woman to be with
often times I’m too emotional and needy
And maybe, just maybe
I forgive all of you and me
We were all trying our best to love and be loved
And sometimes even our best isn’t enough

December Poetry Challenge: Coffee, Music, and Books

This was my response to prompt #3: Three good things

I don’t know how I’d cope without these three things

Coffee, music, and books are what I need
to get through the dreariest of days
Coffee to wake me up from my somber mood
Music to feel every single feeling in my body
and maybe try to dance them all out
Books to calm down my most intrusive of thoughts
Coffee,music, and books are what I need
to make myself shiny again

Poetry: My Book of Love and Lust

Para la version en Espanol, haga clic en este enlace:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2021/11/10/poesia-yo-pense/

I thought nothing could ruin our love

now everything we once were is lost

because once again I was wrong, wrong, wrong

I wasn’t aware of your secret lust filled missions

you’re another confused boy

and to you I was another toy

You were another tourist

in my book of love and lust