From the ages of 18 to 23, I worked for a government agency as an interpreter. I was well-liked by many of my coworkers and my first supervisor was appreciative of me. I was very good at my job and even cross-trained in many other areas that didn’t “pertain to my job”. However, at that job, I was also bullied and discriminated against for being Latina. I was also slut-shamed by my second supervisor and coworkers the latter 2 years I was there. I don’t want to say I deserved being slut-shamed but I’ll just say that I trusted the wrong coworkers with my private life and they went on to gossip about me to everyone. It was also a very stressful environment because of the work I did and clients I had to interact with. My depression and anxiety went haywire. In 2003, I decided to enroll in my local community college and major in English. In 2004, I was trying to go to school full time, work full time, and deal with my child’s new autism diagnosis. I was breaking down mentally and something had to give so I quit this job. I was fucking done. And this poem was inspired by that moment. I thought I had processed this trauma until it came back up in therapy in the summer of 2021. I didn’t realize it at the time but I had suffered a deep racial trauma that impacted me and still triggered reactions in me. I was angry. There is actually way more to this story and one day I’ll share it when I’m ready.
So I wrote this poem in January of 2004 when I was dating my husband and maybe I was foreshadowing my future with him (sort of-haha). I think that maybe I was paranoid he had someone else at the time because he was such a private person. Reflecting on this now is kind of strange because I was the one that ended up with the indiscretions. I was 22 when I wrote this and I have I think that this is a good example of “splitting” meaning that I went to black and white thinking about him.
I wrote this in 2003 about Lucas. I was again obsessing about him.
Everyday I think about you more and more My heart can’t help itself I close my eyes for a brief second and your wonderful and attached self is what my mind sees. I catch myself missing you and it doesn’t make sense to miss something I never really had. You did something to me without having to do anything. Maybe you accidentally put a spell on me . I still can’t figure out why you, Mr.Forbidden has become my new unrequited love obsession Maybe love really does come out of the least expected place Or maybe I will always Desire the one that I can’t have.
I wrote this in January of 2003. I’m honestly surprised that after so much disappointment in the dating world, I still had faith. I guess I was still a hopeless romantic at that point.
It’s so hard sometimes to be nice When you’ve cried so many times Over so many sorry ass guys When you are always done wrong You wonder what’s taking so long To find a warm hearted guy Who’ll give you the moon and the sky To find that special man that was written for you in the sand Sometimes you almost want to give up and just suck it up And say “I’m so through” With always being used But you have to have faith That one day you’ll find somebody great And all of these lonely nights Will finally have an end in sight
I wrote this in 2002 about my former friend Brad. He was the type of “friend” that kept trying to sleep with him and I tried to have boundaries with him. I guess I should have seen the red flags then.
My dear friend Why do you want to stay with me tonight? Is it because you’re lonely? Or is it because you’re sad? Or maybe you just crave the company of my warm body Sorry but I can’t allow it Because I’m selfish And want to keep memories of you pure and free of any sexual intimacy
I wrote this poem in December of 2002 cause well dating sucks and it’s still timely. Haha.
I hate playing this stupid game Called dating Trying to decide Which move to make So you can have him at checkmate It’s no longer about falling in love Or even real feelings But it’s about winning So if sit here wanting to hear hisvoice I don’t dare give in to this yearning To want to call him Because then they’ll almost be winning
I wrote this in April 2002 after sleeping with Lucas for the first time. This situation was fucked up and crazy for many reasons but that’s another story time blog post. Let’s just say that I’m not great at making the best life choices at times.
I finally fucked the forbidden married man It was good, it was great it was wonderful It was a heaven full of ecstasy It was dirty, it was shameful it was ugly It was a hell full of guilt
I wrote this in 2002 about Damon. When we first started dating, things were great and then they weren’t. Right off the bat, he took me to meet his parents and daughter and he even met my son and my parents. However, we both had our issues and were probably not at a place to be in a relationship. Honestly, I was with Damon to escape loneliness even though we were incompatible and I think he was using me for the same reason. The sex was good and I grew to care about him but I never loved him. We would sometimes have these fights and ghost each other and then come back to each other. Maybe I was just too tired at the time to find someone I was more compatible with.
I wish you were as simple as slow dance but you’re a fucking mess Like an upside down cup of coffee And I don’t want to be part of your insanity So I’ll tear myself apart from you And perhaps clean up some of your mess even if my heart will bleed ,even if the tears will fall
I wrote this in June of 2002 about Lucas after I had slept with him for the last time. I’m pretty sure that this was after I had started dating Damon. I guess I was looking for love wherever I could get it.
After making love to him I lie awake in his arms And the only thought that crosses thru my mind is that “I want to stay here With you my love”
But even wishing something like that Would be violated by our complicated lives And maybe even regretful sacrifices
So I lie in bed in a life that is anything but the truth and wonder to myself
If to you, I will ever be worth more Than just your special friend
After breaking up with Ron while dealing with the whole Lucas drama, I was very impulsive and emotional. I wanted to escape from what I was feeling so I thought it would be a great idea to meet a new dude at a bar and hook up with him. His name was Damon and it would end up being yet another unstable relationship. This poem was written in June of 2002 right after meeting Damon.
Got drunk last night and somehow ended up Naked and vulnerable in some guy’s bed We know what happened next I gave in to mine and his desires Not sure why I did But everything felt so damn good I just couldn’t stop Even though I knew that that it was so wrong
I wrote this in May of 2002 about Lucas. I was missing him and feeling nostalgic about him. It was hard because while we were still keeping in touch via email, we hardly saw each other.
I tried to escape the thought of you But it follows me wherever I go Your scent, your voice, your kiss Always remains fresh on my mind No matter how long it’s been Even if I try my hardest To live without you I somehow end up again Trapped in the caged memory that was your love
I wrote this poem in June of 2002 and almost 20 years later, I still have the same questions. Lol. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what romantic love and that’s okay. My life is filled with all kinds of different love that I’m not focused on finding romantic love or really care to.
I want to write about love but do I really know what it is Is it a certain look? Or a certain action? Is it caring for someone’s happiness more than your own? Or is it being with the one that makes you crazy and your heart race with the sound of their voice? What is love?
I wrote this in early 2002 about my married coworker Lucas. I remember going out to lunch with him one day and writing this poem about it the next day.
As I look upon him with my dopey love eyes I wonder how he would feel next to me at this exact moment As we are listening to this song and looking at each other at this very moment I wonder what his exact feelings are Maybe it’s something I can never know or feel for sure but this moment with him is something I can forever cherish
I wrote this in 2002 about my ex Andrew whom I dated briefly in 1997/1998. Well, we’ll call him the first Andrew because I love to recycle names. Lol. I had a tendency to get nostalgic about because the love and infatuation I felt for him was really, really intense. Also, our story was kind of crazy in its own right but that’s another blogpost. I’ll just say that I idealize him and placed him on a pedestal for many, many years after we broke up.
I think of you tonight More than I do on most nights Listening to this melancholic song Brings back all of those precious moments With you in my mind When we were each other’s whole world And nothing or no one else mattered except you and I And I wonder if I ever run through that beautiful mind of yours Or if I ever reached your heart if even for the briefest moment