I wrote this 2001 when I took a break from writing angry breakup poetry-lol. As an immigrant that grew up here, I’ve struggled with my identity for most of my life. Issues with identity are also another trait of BPD. I think this was a time in my life when I was especially reflecting on this part of my identity because I was become aware that men were fetishizing me.
Caught between two worlds what am I made up of more hopefully I won’t ever have to choose sometimes I wish to just cut loose
Too Latina for the American side Too Americanizada for the Latino side So what is the politically correct term for someone like me? Not American, not born here Not fully Latina either for I lack that latin allure
So I’ll call myself one of a kind a girl with much Latin beauty and an American mind like a delicious half and half cream whose taste is an amazing mixed dream
So it’s been a while since I last blogged and there have been many changes: My husband and I decided to open our marriage January of 2018 and it’s been an interesting journey to say the least. I’ll blog about this in several posts later on. Let’s just say that not much has changed in the dating game except for easier access to getting laid with the help of technology. Haha. Well, as my husband and I explored this new territory…mainly me, we both came to the conclusion or rather I did that a separation followed by a divorce needs to happen. It won’t happen for a while due to lack of finances but it is definitely one of goals within the next 2 years. One thing I wonder though is : Is there such a thing as a good divorce? I’ve seen friends and family go through divorces and all of them seem to suck and become outright ugly and bitter. I understand that the dissolution of any relationship is sad, angry, and often at times full of resentment. But in my case, I feel that between last year and this year, we’ve worked through a lot of those feelings, have mourned our marriage, and have come to an agreement that we’ll always try to maintain a great friendship because duh we’ve shared a life together and we have 3 kids together. I’m not sure if my Pollyanna outlook on this is realistic but I really hope that me and my husband end up being those exes that take vacations together. I wonder if there are people out there that actually do that.
It’s been a long 4 years since I last blogged and two themes seem to follow: my dissatisfaction with life and the progress with my oldest son D, on the autism spectrum.
The Good: My boys- My oldest son D, graduated from high school in May with a 4.0 GPA and is starting the university next month. Also, he graduated with over 30 college credits and many honors and awards. He literally is my light at the end of the tunnel some days when everything seems so overwhelming and bleak. My middle child T, is the opposite of D, meaning he’s extremely social but does not do as well academically. He is definitely the most sensitive child out of my three sons and that presents challenges. My little one M, is now 6 and is as happy and energetic as ever. I always say he’s a good combination of my oldest and middle sons. He does well academically and is a social butterfly. I feel like aside from the usual childhood angst, nothing really gets him down. I envy him.
Other things- I joined a local Toastmasters Club and have grown more confident in my public speaking skills. I’m also on the board of a storytelling organization that empowers our local community by telling one story at a time. I’m actually proud that it was telling my own immigration story in October that prompted the board to invite me to be on it.
The Bad: I have severe anxiety and depression. Some of it is circumstantial. Some of it is just me and my awful brain. I took a job working from home with Child Support Services in October of last year and my mental health went downhill. Dealing with angry clients every day on the phone while also dealing with not the most positive work environment. Most people would argue that this would be an ideal work environment but for me it was just the opposite. For one thing, it’s fucking isolating, especially when the only human contact are your colleagues/supervisors via Skype and the angry clients on the phone (because about 75% of the people on the phone are ANGRY and rightfully so). The other thing is fucking technology not working right and being monitored on a continual basis. Both of these things just added to an awful and stressful situation. And of course, there is my husband who doesn’t have the motivation to find a job and therefore is home every day. I resented him more with each passing day. While I’m being verbally abused every fucking day, he has the audacity to tell me to get over it. And to top it all off, my “perfect” oldest son started skipping school because of his own anxiety and I couldn’t help him. It was a recipe for me feeling like a worthless piece a shit to everyone so eventually I decided to do something drastic (that’s another blog post). Eventually, I did quit that job and landed another job in February of this year (not high paying at all) for the school district. It’s a job working with high school students with special needs. It’s actually quite an amazing and rewarding job in many ways but not one that pays the bills.
So this awful summer, I have been out there again, looking for jobs and while I have gotten a few interviews, none of them have panned out. It’s frustrating and almost hopeless. I told my husband, “We are just going to end up at my parents’ house soon” because this is how I truly feel. He responds that we’re not but how can I possibly trust him when he does NOTHING to re-mediate the situation. I told him I’m probably going to end up in an institution or dead to which he said nothing at all. Maybe that’s the only response he can come up with. I stay in this relationship mostly for my children’s sake. I keep thinking there is a light at the end of the long tunnel that is depression but I can’t seem to find it yet.