I wrote this poem in March of 2020.
I don’t want him to be a part of me-
And yet he appears
in my mind, my dreams, my poetry
He doesn’t deserve any amount of space
he comes to occupy in my life
And within me
-and yet he comes and stays
I tell him to go away
Stay away, and forget about me-
But it never happens that way
He consumes every bit of me
and it’s a lost cause to get him out out of me
I wrote this poem in March of 2023. My reference is to Joe Goldberg from the show “YOU” and not Joe Biden( who is in his own right a monster as well.lol)
I sit around in horror-
flagellating myself for comparing myself
to a monster
I know that this was the only way to cope and process
with emotions that threatened to crush me
but if I had to be honest with myself
it makes me question the reality I was living in
and maybe the psychotic who resided inside of me
I wrote this poem in March of 2020.
Trapped in this self made prison-
Trapped in what I thought was the American Dream
/but in reality is the immigrant nightmare
Trapped in my mom’s life
Trapped under a heavy blanket of strength
I continue to cloak myself in
Trapped in a suburban hell
of family and responsibilities
Trapped because I wasn’t patient enough,
wasn’t independent enough
to build the life I truly wanted
And instead settled
for a mediocre one
Trapped because of my fear of being lonely
a fear that has chained me to a heavy present
without any hope for the future
I wrote this poem in March of 2023.
Sometimes I’m like fuck this healing journey
can I just go back to the woman I used to be
the woman who invited and welcome chaos in
the woman who needed a man to make her feel complete
the woman who bought into society’s conditioning about who she should be
can I just be her for a day or two
To get some perspective as to why this journey is so important to me
I wrote this in February of 2019
Mother of three
What does that even mean?
Responsibilities, obligations, duties
Alcohol and going out are taboo for me
Songs of sacrifices and martyrdom
Are the tunes I hum
Dinner with friends and late
Night concerts are just WRONG!
Soccer games and play dates
Are my important dates
No time to spend
With my lifetime mates?
Mother of three,
Will I ever be free?
I wrote this poem in February of 2020.
Eating away my emotions with junk food and sugar
is healthier than meth and taking pills to sleep forever
Each bite I take and swallow keeps me alive
and further from a sweet death that tempts me
Food becomes the driving force behind my mediocre existence
until I can find a new obsession
I wrote this in February of 2019.
out of the most depressed minds comes the greatest creativity
I wonder why that is–
Is it because there are no limits in our imagination?
Is it because we live 100 lives in 1 lifetime?
Is it because we are easily inspired by devastation and loss?
It is because pain and sadness flows out of us
more easily than others and we have a necessity
to repurpose it as art?
I wrote this poem in February of 2021.
One was born in the beginning of the 20th century
the other was born in the beginning of the 21st century
one was born out of unplanned wedlock
one was a planned product of his parent’s love
one was taught hatred for blacks and cholos
the other was taught blacks lives matter and equality for everyone
one had misogynistic tendencies thanks to his machismo culture
the other other is that gender roles and conventions are a joke
One went through the Spanish flu times
the other is going through Covid times
both shares similar genes generations apart
both share the same Spanish name
one could not been possible without the other
so this was written about a former muse.lol.
I love you like the alcoholic loves alcohol
I can’t live without you
And have a deep never ending desire for you
when the sun rises you’re my first thought
and before I fall asleep, you’re my last thought
I don’t know if you’ll ever reciprocate
but for now I’m content with seeing you almost
Daily-admiring you from afar
8/31/22
calling it a phobia of dating/relationships could be over dramatic but idk…it feels like that sometimes. It used to be so easy for me to just go from relationship to the next (sometimes without even ending the next relationship) until one day there was this final straw and I found myself with a shit ton of mental health issues and trauma I needed to address and heal from. If I had to be honest with myself at this point in my life, I don’t blame my past partners for this. I think that from my teenage years on, I’ve been following this pattern of falling into these unhealthy relationships and patterns. I realized this a few years ago after my diagnosis of BPD. I know I needed to do something so I just stopped dating or making myself available to anyone for romantic/sexual interest. It was hard and I always put these arbitrary deadlines on myself of when I would start again like, “oh after I beat my driving phobia” or “oh after I finish this round of therapy “or “oh, after I’m divorced” and those deadlines came and went and it just never happened. Every time I think about going on a first date with someone and that person would ask me something inconsequential like “what’s your favorite color?” I see myself going to the bathroom and throwing up and coming back with an excuse of how something came up with my kids (it”s great to have kids in this instance-they make very good excuses) and leaving the date. Until a few months ago, this used to make me sad and made me feel like a freak. But, lately, I’ve accepted that this is who I am now. With the level of awareness I have about myself now, I know what I need to be in control of my life, my autonomy, and my mental health and my Aquarius in Venus mind tells me that relationships seem to be make me lose control of all of those aspects.
Also, for the past few years, I’ve made sure to make my life full of everything I need to not feel like I need someone to fill some kind of void or space in my life. There’s basically no space or void like that now. My boys, my friends, my art, work, and my hobbies fill that space.
what would it take me to get me to date? Yung Gravy, Joji, or Jack Harlow sliding into my DMs. Lol. In all seriousness, I don’t know. I think I want to just enjoy my life as it is now . I will say that if somehow the stars do align and someone appears in my universe that strikes my fancy, then I wouldn’t be completely closed off to it.
Too wild
On days like today, I feel too wild, too untamed
to be loved, to be handled by anyone
I feel like too much and I won’t find anyone who’s enough
and I wonder if I’ll really be alone forever
because right now that’s what my future looks like
and it’s not me trying to diss any potential love candidates
it’s me acknowledging how much of an earthquake,
a hurricane, a tsunami I can be
and even though I’ve done the work to tame my inner demons
It still feels like there is still so much work left to do
before I feel confident enough to invite anyone else into my chaos
3/9/23
Copy and paste
Copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste
Partners, unhealthy love patterns, delusions of love
it happens over and over again
And I try my best to change this narrative
and sometimes it seems to work
but most of the time it was me denying what’s in front of me
A man who treats me like his inferior
Allowing him to step on my boundaries
trying to keep myself small enough so he doesn’t leave
and I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened to me
And I’m fucking tired of it
So I put a pause on love for a while
Until I can figure out how to produce healthy love energy
And ensure I don’t settle again for anyone
who treats me less than the majestic and magical queen that I am
2/4/23
I wrote a version of this poem in 2005. It was about my frustration with the relationship I was in at the time.
I’m hanging on to my last thread of sanity
trying to accommodate to our new reality
I know monotony happens even in the best relationships
but this feels like the death of our love
Where did your yearning for me go?
You used to worship me and call me Godly
now I can barely get you to look at me
and when I say anything, you call me crazy
so I’m going to swallow my words
and pretend I’m okay with this charade of love
I think one of the best things about having a family of your own is making up your own traditions. One of my favorite traditions I have with my boys is watching “About a Boy” every Thanksgiving while we wait for dinner or afterwards. I started this tradition in 2008 when my oldest was 10 and my middle son was 3. The first time we watched it we had just moved into our new place and me and their dad hadn’t gotten around to getting internet and hardly had any furniture so we had to make do with the DVDs we had on hand to entertain the boys. For whatever reason, we watched that movie a few times. I remember watching it for the first time with my boys and all of these questions about mental health my then 3 year old had and how concerned he was for the mom in the movie. It was just such a sweet moment for me. A couple of years ago, my oldest son gave me the blu-ray dvd version of the movie to upgrade it from my old DVD copy. I love the message in the movie about how “no man is an island” and we all need community from friends and family to make life enjoyable and worth living.
My other favorite tradition involves me and my middle son. I had him on my 24th birthday so we are birthday twins. When our birthday week rolls around, I decide to get desserts almost every day of the week for me and him to celebrate. Sometimes, we do share with our other family members when we feel like it. I started this tradition 4 years ago. We also always get two different cakes of our choice for our actual birthdays. I plan to keep this tradition around as long as he lives with me and/or lives close to me.
so I actually wrote this poem in December of 2022 after I got sick with COVID. This poem was actually inspired by the 2005 poem, “Here we again”- I was editing it to post it on instagram and something about it screamed turn into a poem about your ailment and this is what I ended with. God, my mind was extra crazy with COVID brain. lol.
Here’s the original poem, it’s edited from:
https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/07/01/poetry-here-we-go-again/
Another unexpected surprise
confirmed with the second pink line
Is this Karma coming for me?
for wishing this on my enemies
this puts a pause on my life for a few days
and I lay in bed in a fever haze
soon I lose my sense of smell and taste
I’m humbled and make a promise to the universe
I’ll be more careful with my words
and stop giving into my rancor
aqui esta el poema original que inspiró este poema:
Poesía: Falso 2005
we were another lesson in love lost and mourned
I tried everything to make it work
even where it was past our expiration date
I never wanted our children to be products of a broken home
but even my best efforts could not fight how different we were
or our long term story of incompatibility
it wasn’t your fault or mine
we were just both too stubborn to see what was in front of us
a friendship that should’ve stayed platonic
but you fell in deep for me
and I was tired wanted to settle
and we made it work until one day I realized it wasn’t enough
Life on the BPD 