I wrote this poem in August of 2023.

Gotta flex for my next ex
let me post some thirst trap pic
of my cleavage
and add a profound quote
about my self discovery journey
but nothing too crazy
I donβt want to scare him away
I wrote this poem in August of 2023.

Am I doomed to men trying me on
just so they can change their minds-
days, weeks, months, years later
is it some kind of karmic energy in me
I still havenβt found the remedy for?
Perhaps I really need to stop trying
to find hope in love
and stick to whatβs working for me
and thatβs being alone
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

As I let go of my self limiting beliefs,
I grieve the woman I used to be
so insecure and unsure of herself
so hesitant to take control and power
Overthinking and catastrophizing constantly
it held me back from living the life of my dreams-
Jealousy and envy filled me up
Scrolling the professional and personal successes
of others on social media
Thinking, βthat could have been meβ
and giving too much importance to the opinions of others
wondering constantly-
βare they judging me?β
It was a toxic story I told myself since the age of 16
and it continued on and on until one day in my middle age
I exploded and decided to fight my inner critic
and challenge everything I thought was wrong with me
slowly, I learned to turn my story around
Slowly, I went from victim to heroine
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

Iβm a poet, Iβm a writer but when it comes to expressing the romantic in me
I have the hardest time
Iβm great at expressing my anger, my disappointment, my shame
but when it comes to love, I shy away and put my guard up
itβs a mix of trauma and cognitive distortions Iβve held within me
since the age of 16
self limiting beliefs that no man has ever loved or respected me
and failing at all of my love stories no matter
how hard I tried to succeed, no matter how much I accommodated
or changed for my partner, he leaves me
and Iβm left flabbergasted, devastated, traumatized
so embedded and attached to my past tragedies
Iβm apprehensive and hesitant when it comes to trying on someone new.
when to comes to pursuing anything more than friendship
it leaves me in the land of βI donβt know how to fucking do this again
without it breaking meβ
and so I sit still, waiting for my crush to say something, do something
to restart my heart once again
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

after the thunderstorm came and went
I wrote a hundred poems about what happened
I didnβt know how to process it
and 1 hour in therapy didnβt cut it
the epic flood of grief that followed
and while it may seem excessive and melodramatic
It was either I kept writing
or I kept dreaming of dying
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

you love me anxious,insecure, and a hot mess
and love to add fuel to my insecurities and fears
to keep me with you, to control me
and I try and try to break out of this toxic codependency
tied up in a box of good intentions
with your excuse that you know whatβs best for me
when itβs holding me back from realizing my potential
from becoming the most powerful version of myself
it makes me wonder
did you ever really love me
or did you choose me on purpose to build up your ego?
I wrote this poem in June of 2022.

Got two hours of sleep last night
But I still woke up with excitement in my bones
Excited about a future without you
Excited that youβre really gone from my life
Because while I loved you and had many good times
You were never going to change, and neither was I
We were on the road to nowhere
And now that weβre forever apart
Weβre on the road to somewhere
Somewhere that gives us space to grow
Somewhere without the pain and drama we caused each other
Somewhere that brings us the peace and love we need
to be authentic
I wrote this poem in June of 2023.

Our children pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves
I noticed when my sonβs heart broke for the first time
and it awakened a deep catharsis within me
I would no longer hold onto my victim story
the one where I tell myself,
βIβm worthless, Iβm not good enough, Iβm unlovableβ
Instead Iβll walk with confidence and all of the self love
I can muster up for myself
maybe just maybe if I can model this type of healthy behavior
the cycle of generational self loathing and self destruction
will finally be broken
And my children has a chance of living a life
filled with more joy and contentment
than mental illness
I wrote this poem in May of 2023.

I didnβt mean to, it wasnβt in my plans for self improvement
But I fell for you in spring
I donβt even know when it started to happen
All I remember is absolutely hating it
hated how soft and corny it made me
hated how I started smiling at your messages
hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love
and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
So this year I was able to do the napowrimo challenge last month in which I wrote one poem a day and posted it to my blog. For information about what Napowrimo is and where I got my prompts, here is the link: https://www.napowrimo.net/

I wasnβt able to do the challenge last year because I was in Peru and well, I was too busy enjoying my vacation to think about the challenge.

I did do the challenge in 2022 and I can definitely tell a difference in my poetry from that year to this year.
Hereβs that blog post: https://wordpress.com/post/lifeonthebpd.com/3708
So a few things I have noticed in my poetry this year is Iβve gotten stronger in using imagery, my vocabulary is way better and Iβve even written some funny stuff.
Hereβs one inspired by Yung Gravy that I loved and read at open mic:

Another thing I noticed is that Iβm getting better at telling a story through my poetry and hereβs an example of this, this one is also one of my most vulnerable poems that I loved:

I will admit that not all of my poems were βgood poemsβ and Iβll also admit that there were some days that it was hard to stay on task doing this daily since I do work 60 hour weeks but my discipline and determination won and even on the hardest and busiest of days, I still manage to write and post a poem. Also, I was determined to use the prompts from the napowrimo site and at times those prompts were challenging. However, I still used those prompts to the best of my ability. Also, when I did the challenge in 2022 I said something about turning off my internal editor and writing the poem and posting it right away. While I did turn off my internal editor (somewhat) when I wrote the first draft of the poem, I actually edited that first draft after I wrote it. I wrote a second draft in my journal and thatβs what I posted in my blog. This shows Iβm growing as a writer as Iβm editing and paying more attention to what I post. I think one of the major reasons Iβve grown as a writer is because Iβve found community with other poets online and in real life. One thing I thought a lot about as I was doing this challenge was my audience. My friend Alex (another poet) told me that when he writes his poetry, he thinks about how it will sound while reading it to an audience and that really stuck with me. I know Iβve said so many times, βI write for myself primarilyβ and while that is still true, I think that in order for me to build community I need to also think about my audience and my readers. I donβt think this takes away from my authenticity at all; I think Iβm just growing as a writer who aims to become better.

My advice to anyone whoβs thinking about doing the challenge next year is do it for yourself and be gentle with yourself. Understand you donβt have to post it if you donβt want to and use any prompts available on the internet. As I look into doing this challenge this year, Iβm thinking of making my own prompts in Spanish and English for anyone interested in doing the challenge.
I hope that next April when God willing I do the napowrimo challenge again Iβm better at my craft and I can inspire some of my fellow poets to do the challenge with me.

I wrote this poem in May of 2023.

almost cried out anger today
but instead went for a drive
a good choice for me and who I wanted to kill
blasted my music and screamed
βI fucking hate white womenβ
they seem to be a thorn in my side
all the fucking time
focusing on my mistakes
and snitching to my boss
pretending to be friend
never apologizing when they hurt me
constantly trying to bring me down
trying to make me feel less than
and while I hate how much they affect me
at least today I’m grateful that today my hatred for them inspired me
to write this poem
I wrote this sometime in 2006 when I was contemplative about life.

dreams and goals are important
without them life doesnβt have purpose
without them we get stuck in a routine of misery
Without them we end up projecting our insecurities on others
and making ourselves the victims of our lives
I wrote this in January of 2022.

Stuck in between Spanish and English
is a bilingual nightmare
constantly switching between languages
gives me a lifelong jaqueca
and at times I donβt get it right
itβs switching between two identities
Latina or American
it gets hard and confusing at times
but itβs who I am
Hablo con mamΓ‘ en EspaΓ±ol
I speak to my sons in English
Hablo con los pacientes en EspaΓ±ol
I speak to my coworkers in English
and to code switch parece una comedia
Iβm told that Iβm fun and loud en EspaΓ±ol
pero soy profesional y reservada in English
eventually I learn to meld
my American and Latina personalities
and I find my most authentic
bilingual and bicultural identity
I wrote this poem in April of 2022.

I overthink, I overthink and I overthink
and my head hurts from so much anxiety
Society puts so much pressure on me
to be nice, to be pretty
to be kind, to be smart
the stress is tearing me apart
but slowly I start to breathe
and the pressure starts to decrease
I change the narrative
And stop with listening to my inner critic
Fuck societal expectations
so what if Iβm an aberration
the only person who determines my identity
is me
not you, not him,not my parents
and not society